One Day Sober

Today is going to be my day 1 again. A few months ago I did 14 days. I listened to your podcasts a plenty and need to get back into it for the reality check to help me drive this sober life I desire.

When I quit smoking many years ago I reached out to an online community and it helped immensely. I plan to use that/ this as my tool again.

I find it hard to commit to being day 1 when the morning isn’t even here yet but I need to. It’s been a holiday of excess food and drink and my body is feels lousy.

I want to be where you and others are today, with those first days behind you and nights of full sleep. When I quit for the 14 days I couldn’t believe how great the sleep was. And when I walked my dog, some days I felt like running up the hills. That’s where I want to be again.

There is booze in the cupboards so I need to see if my partner is willing to dump it. Wish me luck.

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I’m reading the very beginning of your blog, and it sounds a heck of a lot like my story… I started drinking in high school, hid it VERY well (teacher’s pet and good kid)… Then got in a drinking-related accident at 21 and stopped. For years, I rarely had a drink. Then I met my wine-drinking friends and realized I could grade papers on a couple glasses of wine. No problem! But then, like you-then, those two glasses started to turn into a bottle by accident… and a steady half or more a bottle every night for the past 5 years. I stopped last August for a month (it’s my birthday month). And then teaching started again, and all the stress, and hello! Wine!

If I could keep it at one glass, I would drink until I was 99. But, I can’t. And I hate what it has done to my life, my body, my brain, etc. So I’m hitting the tea and nurturing my body right now. Doing yoga. I am going to need to come back and read your blog, because I, too, can’t do AA, yet still need support.

Thank you for your awesome blog.

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Hey…been lurking in your blog. Day one for me again today August 13, 2016. I need help and support. I hope blogging here will help. I really want to quit, get healthy and feel great. I am 53 and the effects of over drinking keep me down, depressed, tired, irritable and so on. If you are in this blog then you know what I am talking about. Don’t really want to do AA but if any of you have some comments on them or any resources please tell me.

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I am on Day 1 and just looking for some additional support, so I am reading your beginning. 🙂

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In 2011, I found myself in an IOP for disordered eating. It was a long time coming; I’d had bouts of restriction for years, usually triggered by a traumatic life event. I got out three months later with new perspective and a deeper understanding of myself. Or so I thought. Looking back now, four years later, I see that I came out of my program no better than when I went in. I was still isolated. I still had a family that didn’t understand my struggles. I had friends that were no longer in my life because the disordered me wasn’t the loveliest person to be around. (Who am I kidding? I was fucking *mean* sometimes when the disorder was in control.) But, I digress…

And then I found a real, true “friend.” A friend that was always there, just within reach, whenever I needed it. Rain, shine, summer or winter, it didn’t matter – this was a friend I could depend on and cling to when things got rough. It was me and my new best friend, Sauvignon Blanc, against the world. Oh, we’d curl up on the couch together with my beautiful little dog, Norman, and enjoy a lovely night in. Lovely until I passed out and found myself in a puddle of my own vomit. (Go ahead, say it – that’s super sexy!) There were nights I’d stumble to the bathroom and be so drunk I’d smash into the wall because I couldn’t walk straight. I remember a specific Sunday, just a year ago, when I slid off my bed face first and smashed my head and nose into my hardwood floor. I was a bloody mess and gave myself a concussion. The doctor initially said my nose wasn’t broken but I did end up with a deviated septum; I only have 30% airflow in my left nostril and surgery to correct it is coming up this summer.

The dog I mentioned earlier, Norman, was my *other* sidekick. I adopted him just before getting out of the IOP and he quite literally was the center of my universe. As long as I had Norman, I knew things were going to be okay. So when he woke me up in the middle of the night on January 29, 2014 shaking violently and ultimately having a massive seizure, I didn’t know what to do. We went to the emergency vet more than once but no one could figure out what was going on with him. Finally, he had a seizure during the day, March 26, 2014 to be exact, and I ran with him to my regular vet and begged them to see him right away. Blood tests brought about my worst fears; his kidneys and liver were all functioning perfectly which meant it was neurological, most likely a brain tumor. I got that news on Thursday, March 27, 2015, left work, went home to pick up Norman and brought him back to the office to spend the day with me. One of my co-workers drove us home and I made him a special chicken dinner since he didn’t feel much like eating. Then, I ran out and grabbed a bottle of my favorite Sauvignon Blanc to help numb the pain I was in. I settled down on the couch with my “friend” while Norman dozed peacefully in his doggie bed. When I woke up at 10:30pm from my wine-induced stupor, there was Norman. In the middle of the living room floor. He was dead.

I ran to him, picked him up and threw him on the couch looking for any sign of life. But there was none. I told him how much I loved him and held him until I literally couldn’t hold him anymore. I wrapped him in his favorite blanket and placed him in his bed. My world was shattered and I missed out on Norman’s last minutes on earth because I was drunk. A year plus later and I still sob as I write about his death. I may never forgive myself.

Despite all that, I still continued to drink. Fucking Sauvignon Blanc.

To the world, I look like a put-together 30-something with an amazing job, great apartment, a beautiful (newly adopted) dog and a good group of friends. People don’t see the sad, lonely girl hiding under the facade. The girl who hides out in her little apartment with her wine, shielded from the world, but longing for companionship. This is the most abusive relationship I’ve ever been in, but still, as the old song goes, breaking up is hard to do.

Today is Day 2 of sobriety. Not only has my relationship with wine caused physical and mental pain, but it’s also helped pack about 30 pounds onto my petite, 5 foot 3 in frame. So, I’m working hard at replacing old, bad habits with new, healthy ones. I’ve joined a running club at work with some people I really like. I committed to running a 7-mile road race for charity in August, though I can’t even run a mile without stopping. (Yet.) I will remember that everyday, I have a choice to make: Do I let the wine win? Or do I let my best self, who I’ve yet to meet, finally emerge from her cocoon? I hoping for the latter.

Although this forum is public, this is the FIRST time I’ve ever shared my whole story. Of course there’s more, but if I wrote more, it would be a novel. I believe that sharing what really has happened to me and what my hopes for the future are will make this all real. I CAN DO THIS. And I’m gonna kick Sauvignon Blanc’s ass.

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I see myself in these stories. On Day 12. I love this blog. Thanks.

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Today is the day I admit I’m an alcoholic. I am not physically addicted and my drinking is a symptom of the true problems – some of which I know, some of which I don’t. Because of that I have really resisted calling myself an alcoholic. I mean, that would mean I’m an eataholic, an exercisaholic, a workaholic, a cleanaholic and I just realized I also like picking at my fingernails and the skin around them – never thought that was a symptom of anything because I do it even when not anxious.

I resisted because I was convinced once I figured out why I was drinking, I would naturally decrease the amount. It’s NEVER been normal for me to have 1 drink and be sated. I didn’t drink at all in high school and the first time I did, I drank a bottle of cooking wine all by myself (graduation party). When in social situations I can moderate the amount I drink, but my preference is to drink alone.

I live with my boyfriend and his love is unconditional, but this morning he told me I was acting weird last night. I prepared for him to say something else but he didn’t. He was likely testing the waters to see if I wanted to say anything. I didn’t. But I realized I had been waiting for him to prove he cared enough to intervene. I mean, he’s GOT to know! He has his game night hobby, I have my drinking hobby. Every time he goes out he comes home to me being intoxicated. But I am almost always able to act sober. My tolerance is high. A bottle wine? No one would know I’m drunk and I don’t feel drunk. It’s only the next day that I can’t recall everything I did or said. But I know I acted fine in the moment. It takes a lot to get me visibly drunk. I must have been that way last night, but I don’t remember everything. I had: 3/4 bottle of wine and 5 beers.

Part of my problem is that I rarely get hangovers and I drink fast. Even non-alcoholic drinks are always gulped. I envy people who sip and put down, sip and put down. I went from zero to partier and there was never any moderation. I have not learned moderation. I’ve only learned to do without or go all in. For example, I’m trying to get back into exercising and the best way for me to do that is to start working out every day. If I workout one day, rest one, I just will never go back. It “works” for me to approach things this way. But I wish I knew how it felt for moderation to be normal.

I’m so thankful I found this blog. I need an outlet but just want to stop quietly so I don’t want anyone knowing. I don’t want it to be a part of our conversations. Just thinking about it exhausts me emotionally. Like most things, if I’m successful, it will not involve others confusing the matter with their well meaning but completely out of touch help.

The reason this is day one for me is because I’m finally ready to quit for good, forever. Alcohol no longer provides me with anything helpful in my life. Before I truly didn’t want to give it up. I am going to a BBQ tomorrow and am not going to drink. As I type that I don’t even feel that familiar “I’m lying to myself” feeling. I 100% believe I can do this.

So here goes….

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Relieved to have found your blog and this community! It’s 9pm on my Day 1 – I’m going to make it! But I, too, have had many, many first days sober and always fell back into the old dance of drinking every night. I feel a little bit of hope but also alot of fear. However, anyways, here I go.

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I too have felt the shame and disgust at “doing it again” and waking up feeling terrible, waking up in the wee hours of the night missing huge chunks of time and wondering what crazy things I did or said to my husband or children, wondering how I scarred them this go round and why I have to KEEP doing this? Day two after a day four and a day 9 in the past two months. I’m hoping this is my time and that day three is mine tomorrow and day 10 is mine next week and on and on!

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I am so jealous of you, but happy for you. I really like your wit and strength. I wish it could be me that quit – but it can’t.

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I can totally relate, except I prefer beer over wine. Very similar story except I have a divorce in the mix. I am trying to get the inspiration to give it up. I have 5 or 6 beer almost every day after work and know I should probably give it up.

It’s so hard to get started!

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