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I want to stop but I’m scared to.
Hi Cara. What scares you about it?
I’m afraid to tell my husband that I want to quit drinking!
I just found your blog and this is an interesting blog post. Even I was an alcoholic and I am sober for more than 2 years now. Life without alcohol is really good as we discover many new things we can do with our life which we cannot see when we are only obsessed about alcohol. When i stopped drinking alcohol, amazing things started happening to my body, for example, I lost body fat and was able to think much clearly.
Hello! This is inspiring and helpful in many ways. My drinking is ruining relationships, to the point where my reality is skewed and I become angry and mean. I don’t want to be angry and mean anymore. I’ve lost a husband, friends, and now a boyfriend because of my drinking. I want to be better than that, I know I can be better than that. All of this blogging and shared experiences will definitely help, thank you!!
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I spent much of yesterday reading your posts and lots of comments. I am commenting on this post because this is what I want for my life. I want nice things for myself and my home, I want happy sober adventures with my husband, I want to feel proud of myself. I want to fill my well of patience for my children. I want to be truly present in my life, because it’s pretty great.
I guess I’ve struggled with alcohol since I was around 17. Nine years, on and off. But mostly on. The first 7 years I drank almost every day. I stopped when I found out I was pregnant with our first, and took it easy during his first year. I got pregnant again and stopped again, but I went back to drinking regularly when our second was born. In recent months, I’ve been drinking regularly and excessively. I wish I could stop at 2 drinks, but I don’t. 3 quickly turns in to 4 and then sometimes 5 or 6 even. Then it’s past midnight and I’m getting a terrible sleep, having to get up with the boys at 7 AM.
I want to stop. I don’t think I even really enjoy it anymore. But mentally, it’s my ‘reward, treat’. Though I know poisoning myself is not treating myself very nicely. And the headache, grouchiness and sluggish feeling the next morning is definitely not nice.
I will stop privately. My husband knows I drink excessively. He used to as well, but since starting his more demanding job around 6 months ago, he’s limiting himself to a couple of drinks on weekends. He seems to have that under control. I know he will be supportive when I tell him I want to cut it out completely. It’s certainly not helpful to our marriage, as when I’m drinking I’m pretty much unavailable. I park in front of the TV or the computer and if he tries to engage, I brush him off. I could call it ‘me’ time, but it’s not. I want to connect with my husband. I want to be present for him and for our relationship.
I will probably have regrets about my drinking when I’m farther in to sobriety. I have read many commenters saying as much. But it’s better that I stop now than be the cause of something traumatic or damaging. I will have to deal with that guilt. I will have to deal with my emotions. I think that’s a part of the reason I enjoy(ed?) drinking, it quieted my emotions.
I could go on and on. But in summary, I don’t want to drink anymore. So I’ve taken a few notes from your blog posts and some comments.
*Take care of yourself.
Drinking is not treating yourself. Take a bath, do your nails, sew something. Clean your space, care for your things.
“If you are inspired to quit drinking before it destroys your life, then you are among the lucky ones.”
-Do not care if others think it’s strange that you don’t drink. Be honest. It could help someone.
April 12 2018- dumped the last can of beer in to the sink. Not going to the store to buy more, not asking anyone to pick some up.
And now I’m on day 2. Yesterday afternoon I went to the store to get some non alcoholic beverages (tea, aloe juice, soda), I got myself a new nail polish and some good ice cream. For supper I pulled a meal out of the freezer for ease. Last night I took a bath and pushed my cuticles back, shaved and moisturized (that’s treating myself properly.) and drank tea and water and ate some ice cream. I didn’t even miss beer last night.
I had some unpleasant dreams, I wonder if that’s the brain trying to sabotage. I dreamed someone was pouring out my new nail polish. Interesting.
I will continue to treat myself kindly. I might even let the house chores go this weekend in favour of watching movies, playing with my boys and really talking with my husband. Might do some shopping for literature to help myself.
I wish your website had a forum, where readers could connect. I might have to find something like that, for support on bad days.
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WOW momofboys, you have done some good reflecting here. You are off to a wonderful start. If you ever feel wobbly, come back here to read what you wrote, maybe even print this page and keep it with you. I can connect you with a support forum. Send me a private message via the UnPickled Facebook page and I will help you find an online group.
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Thank you ♥
Day five today! I told my husband Friday night that if he was getting booze, to not grab anything for me. So he skipped the store entirely, didn’t get anything for himself either. So we talked briefly about it Friday and I didn’t even think much of it this weekend (the boys do keep me busy hah). I opened up to some of my close friends this morning, not in too much detail. Still waiting to hear back. I don’t think they’ll be anything other than supportive.
I wrote in my journal on day 3 about freeing up headspace. “Between wanting a beer, checking the time to see how long until 5 o’clock, drinking, feeling like crap and recovering, shopping or thinking about going out for more beer, feeling guilty about everything and thinking I should just stop drinking all together.. Took up a lot of headspace. Now I’m thinking about saving money and maybe painting downstairs and decorating my home.”
I will say though that quitting requires preparation, especially mentally. I expected I might feel agitated, short tempered and unwell over the weekend. So I didn’t plan anything, except easy meals. We watched movies and television series and I didn’t do much but sit on the couch with my husband and my boys. Isn’t that how a good weekend should be though hah
Physical preparation too- I’ve always eaten well, but I’m making a point to consume more healthy calories and hydrate hydrate hydrate. I picked up a 24 pack of gatorade and I think I went through 18 this weekend hah.
I mentioned the dreams though, holy. Every night I have had a strange dream.
Another positive though- my eye stopped twitching. It was getting pretty bad, and I figured it had something to do with alcohol consumption, withdrawal or the constant *thoughts* of alcohol.
You’re doing so great! I’m so happy for you. You’re doing it. You’re reclaiming your life. Beautiful.
With a lot of insight from your blog. Endless thanks to you.
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This is the beginning of day 3 for me. The hardest part of day 1 was no sleep that night as I was used to drinking myself into a blackout to go to sleep and wake up feeling somewhat normal. I have a very stressful job but made it through yesterday somehow. I like what I am reading on these blogs about staying sober and it encourages me. The only other time I’ve stayed sober since around 2010 (when there were no dry nights) was when I was pregnant with my now 1 year old little girl. I started drinking again right after she was born and it got worse and worse. I was buying airplane bottles and hiding them from my husband so that I could drink them with beer every night just to achieve that feeling I thought I wanted. I realized I was missing out on so much and my husband was doing all the work after I got drunk and passed out around 7 pm every night. Anyways I don’t want to go back to that. Thank you all for the encouragement on this site. Will be needed here!!
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Hope day 3 wasn’t too hard on you!
Thank you momofboys8!! I made it past day 3 and I am now at the end of day 4! Today was a struggle because I didn’t sleep at all last night but I pushed through a 12 hour busy day at work and then made dinner for the kiddos and actually spent time with them instead of drinking and passing out only to have wasted memories. I have to admit I am nervous about this weekend because it’s the first sober and it’s warm which is when I really enjoy a cold beer. I will be checking in as much as possible to gain encouragement. Thank you for thinking of me!!
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Well done on getting through the weekend! Hope you can catch up on sleep soon.
I did too, this is the beginning of day 5 for me. I spent the weekend watching movies and TV shows with my husband and my boys, and that was really really nice. We had horrible weather (ice storm!). Under “normal” circumstances, I would have run out of beer at some point, and I would have gone out into the below-freezing, ice pellet rain to fetch more. And I would have probably felt proud of myself for braving the weather to get what I wanted, I would have deserved that beer (how twisted!).
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Check out my new blog…a journey into the life of a child of an alcoholic! Would love to have your input
I’m so grateful to have found your blog – the first one I clicked! I needed some reinforcements and a feeling of community for Day 3. Thank you!
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Keep us close! Have you listened to the podcast I host (The Bubble Hour)? Lots of wise people in recovery telling their stories. Blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour
Here I am back where I said I wouldn’t be 2 months down the line. I’m on day 1 today and one hell of a hangover (being sick till 5pm). I did roughly 19 days in July and then thought ‘I am strong enough to moderate’, some days I can but I have just proved last night it a dangerous game.
I want to stop thinking about wine and clear my head, I hate the way my fiancée looks at me after I have too many, I hate the wasted days, guilt, shame and self pity that all come with drinking.
Hi Leanne, I’m sorry it’s a rough day. You can do this. It sounds like you now understand that none is easier than some. That’s the whole secret. If you can focus on the abundance of freedom, presence, clarity and awareness that you receive from being alcohol free, you’ll feel the shift. You’re not missing out on anything, and you’re gaining so much more. Steady the bus. You’ve got this.
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Thank you so much for your reply Jean! You are so right, I am proud to say I’m on day 21 today and I feel amazing!
The amount I have achieved in 3 weeks of sobriety vs years of drinking is incredible.
I also wanted to thank you for your Bubble Hour pod casts, I spend hours listening to them walking to work and they really keep me motivated.
I did my first sober pub dinner last night and ate a cheese board with a Diet Coke! (Cheese lovers will know this is a big deal!). I am so proud of myself that I never want to look back.
Thank you again 🙂
Fantastic! I’m so happy for you. Thanks for the update.
For me, exercise is a helpful tool. Allows me to kind of shut off everything else and spend that time to myself by improving myself. I also think it is important to acknowledge when you have the urge to drink. By doing that you are taking time to think about why you have the urge and hopefully think about what will happen if you decide to drink. Focus on how you feel being sober and how good that feels to not feel sick. Hope that helps!
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Hi Zach similar story as yours it sounds, I have managed with help of my spouse to get more control on my drinking but I still relapse on occasion realizing I haven’t sought professional help in my deep rooted physc of why I drink and this is next step for myself so I can once and for all put a full stop to it. When I read your story I wondered how are you tackling to stop your abuse?
I just wanted to say thanks for having something like available. I just finished a 3 day bender and attempting to insult with words someone I hold very dear to me. That paired with the physical illness experienced, that was my rock bottom. I always knew alcohol was an issue for me since high school and I always returned to it to numb any pain. It has taken me 20 years to be afraid of what alcohol is capable of making me do and feel, in the worst ways possible. I’m not a normal drinker, I drink to excess and for me, alcohol can’t be in my system. I may have ruined several relationships because drinking so much would alter my reality and everyone else was responsible for my problems. I’m not sure about anyone else, but this self-created anger will only ruin everything in my life and has the real potential to kill me. That scares me so much that I am done with drinking. Not drinking never gave me problems and I know that if I continue to drink, it will only get worse. I just needed to get that off my chest. Everything has to start with day 1, and today is mine. Thanks for reading
Hello! My name is Benjamin and your blog inspired me to write my own! I am super new to the whole writing concept but I truly believe it will help me keep my mind focused on something else other then my alcohol thoughts. I currently have it through the site blog.com. I am thinking if it becomes a hobby of mine to write everyday that I would get my own blog site. Probably shouldn’t think that far ahead right now but I am very excited to see what comes. Just wanted you to know I appreciate you taking time out to continue and update this blog. Thanks for being here and giving me the inspiration to do my own thing.
Hi Ben – thanks for stopping by and congrats on the new blog! I’m glad to be travelling this path together 🙂
Hi this is the morning of my first day. I have been trying and failing to stop for years. Also on antidepressants and getting CBT for mental health problems. I’ve stocked up on tea and soft drinks and am thinking of ways to change my routines. Am hoping that this post will help and if anyone wants to reply suggestions encouragement I would really appreciate it. Thanks
One way I found helped was to do a daily workout routine each day it help me to trigger some much needed pleasure once your done working out and that in turn removed need to drink to find that buzz.
I also found cutting other triggers from drinking connection helps at least to get you to overcome initial period once your past first few days of not drinking I found that is time your most vulnerable
Good Morning From Michigan.
Day 4 for me. Very thankful on many fronts.
Yesterday for me was “beyond” stressful, won’t bore you with details, we all have those days.
I think this goes for all of us, but for me, when I act on what my gut is telling me, even if the “why” evades me, it isn’t too much time before I get some understanding.
An obvious example is drinking. I stopped and demanded better, this reason I understood from the start, but the follow up of true understanding continues to come.
As I’m driving yesterday the thought of drinking came to mind. A much stronger thought overtook and said quite clearly: This isn’t stress, if you want true stress go get drunk and this will intensify tenfold. And here’s the odd thing, I’ve been adding tenfold trouble on myself by making “one wrong decision on a consistent basis”. The results were compounded negatively.
In this short period of time I can also see that changing a bad decision isn’t enough, I have to also make additional good decisions every day in order to expedite a better life, consistent and never ending improvement. Small changes on a daily basis, compounded over time makes for enormous positive results with little effort.
For those of you that have never heard this you have to try it. As an investment strategy in yourself, take a penny and double it every day for 30 days. 1 penny, next day 2 pennies, next day 4 pennies, on the fourth day you have 8 pennies. At the end of 30 days you have $5,368,709.12. (yes, really)
We can’t ever say we don’t have any or enough resources to get over a hump or to get onto a better life because if you just act on that one gut feeling (that little penny) you compound your success and understanding and tomorrow’s growth and understanding is a bit better. WE ALL HAVE A FREAKING PENNY, we all have the ability within us to do what we know is good and right, to expand our horizons a little bit every day so in a week or in a month we will worlds above where we use to be and with a clear head could not imagine ever going back.
Looking below at the penny formula, my thoughts are “I’ll just go pull a bunch of pennies out of the jar” and I’ll be on day 13. But the follow up thought is, what do I do to double those pennies so I succeed on day 14? I Don’t Know. But. I’m not on day 14. I’m on Day 13. Today I succeeded. I don’t need the answer for tomorrow because if I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, I know that tomorrow will also take care of itself. I may have to go buy something cheap at a garage sale and then sell it at a pawn shop to succeed or take another way to work so I don’t drive by what use to be my favorite putrid bar but, tomorrow will take undoubtedly care of itself.
The penny formula is below. The formula for your greatness is in you.
Your all great people, I am truly indebted to you for your help.
Day 1: $.01 Day 2: $.02 Day 3: $.04 Day 4: $.08 Day 5: $.16 Day 6: $.32 Day 7: $.64 Day 8: $1.28 Day 9: $2.56 Day 10: $5.12 Day 11: $10.24 Day 12: $20.48 Day 13: $40.96 Day 14: $81.92 Day 15: $163.84 Day 16: $327.68 Day 17: $655.36 Day 18: $1,310.72 Day 19: $2,621.44 Day 20: $5,242.88 Day 21: $10,485.76 Day 22: $20,971.52 Day 23: $41,943.04 Day 24: $83,886.08 Day 25: $167,772.16 Day 26: $335,544.32 Day 27: $671,088.64 Day 28: $1,342,177.28 Day 29: $2,684,354.56 Day 30: $5,368,709.12
Thank you for this – what a powerful reminder of the strength, power and riches we build as we carry forward.
Hi. My journey is this:
I drank beers on weekends during 10th – 11th grades in high school. Grew up on the beaches in So California. After a few months of partying it got so I would end the night sloppily crying and making a fool out of myself. I stopped. My best friend found a new friend and I was heartbroken.
I went to a new school for my final year, was living with my mom who was a binge drinker at the time. She is now sober 31 years!
On October 10, 1981 I met the person who changed the course of my life. He was from Manchester England and I fell in love immediately. I was 17, he was 21.
Turned out that he was a heroin and cocaine addict and a lot of his friends were dying from overdoses, so the family sent him out to live with his sister in So Cal. He wasn’t using when Iet him, but. Long story short I ended up getting addicted, had my son while on drugs, and had to leave the man to get straight
I went to rehab and got clean and sober on August 31, 1986.
I was clean for 24 years, and because of chronic neck and back pain combined with fibromyalsia, I started drinking to ease the pain.
I had gotten sick on wine as a teenager – worst hangover ever! So what do I do? Go straight for the hard stuff. I tried rum, tequila, southern comfort, vodka. A half pint a night – every night, then more. I fell out of bed last year and broke my wrist.
I found you today while researching the effects of medications.
I want to stop, I hate what alcohol has done to me – 40 pounds overweight, memory loss, psoriasis. I don’t like the way I look or feel.
So this is my first step toward recovery – again.
My former sponsor is in the same position.
My son is a success, an artist and Hugh school teacher with a master’s degree. He actually taught alcohol awareness classes while he was in college.
Sadly, his father passed away in 1991 form an acute heroin overdose. My son was 6 at the time.
I thank you for all your great advice about pampering ourselves, sipping on tea instead of booze.
I want to do it, I definitely need help.
KL your blog was shared on a Facebook site related to alcoholism (Alcoholicshare) and i bookmarked it thinking to come back to it at a later stage, and tonight i did and read several recent blogs you had posted. Like you have pointed out you began your journey to stop your alcoholism by means of self help to begin with or at least i understand the first 2 years and now i am into my 13th day and so far so good.
I will certainly come back to read more of your blogs, i also started my own dairy as i am not ready for reasons related to work to blog openly on web and i also do this more for self help reasons as i can then go back to my honest dairy and read it reminding why i began this journey to stop my addiction. Like you and your husband i also run my own business and have done so since i arrived in this foreign country nearly 10 years ago (my anniversary will be June 5th) when i arrived in Istanbul having left Denmark, i moved here because of my girlfriend at the time who a year later married me and when i moved i had to find work and as i didnt or wasnt able to speak Turkish i decided to start my own business which 10 years later has blossomed into a company employing staff both in Turkey, Germany and China. My drinking was never about getting drunk to point of collapse it was to run from stresses and truths that i felt hard to deal with in real world, childhood issues with parents, loss of children from my first marriage which by way was also related to alcohol and drug misuse but what i found in 10 years i have lived here in past few months was i had to stop running as past is who we are and we cannot change that we can only learn from it and improve and it spurned me on to stop abusing alcohol to wipe out the past instead work on myself soberly to overcome my anxieties and then hopefully i can come to peace with myself. One person who never gave up on me is my wife, i was also a horrible drunk by that i mean someone who was biligerent to those around me and i certainly had anger issues and although i never was violet my verbal abuse came to light recently when my wife showed me the last time i drank 14 days ago how i am and i am grateful that she did so as it really in cold light of a sober morning hit home what a monster i could be with words. So now after 13 days i spend each day helping myself, educating myself, searching myself to help myself beat my desire when it happens to run from being sober and participating person in real world to someone who is selfish, belligerent and just a general twat. Its early days here unlike your 4 years but i will fight to continue my battle and with each new morning their is always a trepidation hanging will there be that one event which will push me over. I have had my first trials here in past week with things happening at work and also personally related to my children that would normally have pushed me to start drinking to run away but i use my education to push my triggers away.
I thank you for sharing your experiences openly on web, that is so helpful to this newly sober individual. I wish you and the hubby a fantastic trip to Italy hope you have a trip extraordinaire
PS Facebook group has over 5000 members and has and was my start to my journey so it is certainly worth a commendation to others. There are dozens of regulars who are veterans and i can only but say very helpful
Today is day one for me. I have had many day ones in the past three years. But I need this day one more than anything else. My story is sounds so much like most of the other women on this site. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my personal shame. Shame is the best way I can describe this constant hell. I have been drinking since I was a teenager. When I was young I was a binge drinker and would only drink on the weekends, but as I have gotten older it has turned into a daily demon, from the second I walk in the door till I pass out each night. I wake not knowing what horrible things I said or did. I scour my phone to make sure I didn’t send out any stupid emails or make drunken calls.
I have a great job, loving husband and a beautiful daughter. I can barely look at them sometimes the shame is so overwhelming.
For years, I was able to hide my drinking, or so I thought. But it is no longer a secret, unexplained absences from work, cancelled plans, my daughter going to school without her homework done, as I was too drunk or busy drinking to help her.
I have spent countless hours scouring the internet for the “magic pill” to make me normal. Normal meaning being able to drink normally. However, there is no normal for me or magic pill. I scarred to death of dying. I obsess about it. Constantly thinking I am having a heart attack, but it is amazing a bottle of wine seems to cure that. It has taken me a long time to realize that it is that bottle or two of wine every night that is going to give me that heart attack.
Like most of us, there is underlying pain that I have never really dealt with and high anxiety, trying to be perfect when I am slowly killing myself.
So today is day one with a hope for day two. I know that there has to be something better out there. Anything has to be better than living in shame everyday of my life.
I am so grateful I came across this site. It makes me realize that really is there anything as “normal”, but there is hope for something better.
If anyone has advice on getting through the first couple of days, I would greatly appreciate it. I am really scared, but not as scared as continuing this way.
i’m newly sober and have found that when i feel like shit, I go to bed. I know that sound crazy, but the longer I would stay up, the more I would want to drink in the beginning. Reach out on here. Read the blogs, call someone. Just DO NOT DRINK! Get to a meeting if you can and call your doctor and tell them what’s going on. They can help. “Hugs”
Wow. That made me cry. I am so grateful not to be alone. Thank you for your kind words. A
Great advice! And congrats on your own sobriety!!
Sending you love, strength and encouragement as you embark on this journey back to yourself. Be very gentle with yourself for the next little while. You are like a new born baby – fragile and special and beautiful and in need of extra care and protection. Fill your fridge and cupboards with things you like that help cancel cravings rather than trigger them. For instance, cheese or nuts may cause you to miss alcohol because they “go together”. But a sliced apple with cinnamon, or ice cream, or hot cocoa with whipped cream – these things may “cancel” cravings because they don’t pair with booze. Stock up on magazines, nail polish, face masks or any other pampering activity that can help you pass the time, and as Jess so wisely suggested when in doubt go to bed! A hot bath, tv binge, or long walk with a recovery podcast in your ears is also helpful. I covered miles and miles listening to podcasts like the Bubble Hour, aa speaker tapes, Dr Drew, and anything else I could find where people told their stories. I still do this often and it clears my head. Your post is very insightful and you are doing a great thing by stopping now before the spiral becomes a nosedive. You can do it. You are worth it. And my friend, you are not alone. Please keep posting so we can learn together. xo
Minus the husband and daughter (I do have a lovely BF though), you have described my experience to a T.
I too and on day one….again. I am hoping this will be my last.
Anna please tell me how you are doing?…
Hey how are you doing? I’m on day one again but woke up and asked for help. I leave for treatment on Thursday. It will be my first time to treatment so I’m scared. I hope you are well
I’m 7 days sober into my umpteenth attempt but this time I feel so different and it’s thanks to this website. Unpickled’s insights have been inspirational and the personal stories shared so courageous and heartwarming.
I’ve drank since I was a young teenager in various quanties peaking this year (a truly annus horribilius!) at 1.5 bottles a night. I felt wretched but it was the only way I could cope with all the dreadful things happening to me… or so I convinced myself.
I came from a family of heavy drinkers (except mum). My dad’s drinking turned him from a kind, gentle, generous soul I adored into a violent, badgering, selfish, paranoid nutter I truly hated being around. Drinking turned my oldest sister from a sweet, sensitive, honest and loving angel into a secretive, lying, self-obsessed, gambling, toothless, pitiful waste. She died from alcoholism at 57. My 2 other siblings also drink heavily, one I have no relationship with, the other a very fragile one. Their young adult children are also serious binge drinkers.
Alcohol has done so much damage to our beautiful family, and to me. I know I would have achieved much more of the things I wanted in life had I not been so in the grip of the grape (like you Unpickled a cold, crisp Sauvignon Blanc, preferrably from New Zealand, was the reward I deserved at the end of each day…for what I’m not sure). After my last attempt failed I decided to accept the situation and not get back into the tiresome self loathing thing. I think this helped as when I finally decided enough was enough it was not a nagging, negative voice in my head that was leading me. I’ve suffered withdrawal headaches but have not craved a drink at all which is incredible given how it ruled every day for most of my life. I’m sleeping so well and having beautiful dreams again,. I have much more energy and find my clearer head and focussed eyesight an absolute thrill. I was very emotional for the first 5 days but that seems to be settling down. I haven’t told anyone yet. It will come out at Christmas but I’m not concerned. I’m just going to say that I’ve stopped for health reasons and leave it at that. When I stopped years ago my family told me I was boring but I think they will be more understanding since we lost our sister to alcoholism. And hopefully having a sober and happy aunty will be a positive role model for my nieces.
I now realise I have alot of work to do to understand why I needed to drink. I don’t think it was just the family problems that drove it. There is something lurking much deeper that needs to come out. It’s scary to look deeply into myself because I don’t know what’s under all the self delusion. This is the greatest insight I’ve gained from this incredible forum. It was the piece that was missing in my previous attempts.
That’s it, that’s exactly it! Putting away the bottle is only the beginning – recovery begins with introspection and a willingness to do things differently. Lay down the defenses and let the healing begin! Hurray for your SEVEN sober days and cheers for a bright future ahead!
This is my day 3. I don’t know what my goal is but something has changed. I am exhausted. Drinking is my best friend and worst enemy. I am not sure how I got to this point. Cutting down to me meant one bottle of wine a night, not two. I would black out most evenings but wake up in the morning feeling pretty normal, which simply isn’t normal. My Mum died from alcohol at the age of 53 – I just turned 40, I am catching up with her….
I live by myself and have major depression and anxiety so wine takes the edge off, then it goes too far.
I overdosed on wine and anti depressants last Thursday, not the first time. Somehow I do very well in my job, I don’t know how.
Reading the posts here has helped me feel less alone, I can more than identify with the majority of thoughts and feelings expressed on this site.
I just want to feel something, anything apart from drunk, depressed or anxious. I see a psychologist and my GP is great.
I have things I want to do but feel I have no purpose – I have no family to care for and no partner. All I have are my dogs whom I love to bits.
Today I am exhausted. I am sure I had more energy when I was drinking. Maybe it’s part of withdrawal?
Everyone of your stories is an inspiration to read. I shall sit in bewilderment whilst I figure out if this is long term abstinence or just a break to give my body a rest.
Thank you for this site, it’s the best I have read (and that’s been a lot!)
How are you doing, Wine-no-more? Thinking of you!
I always felt like alcohol gave me a boost of energy as well. Only it doesnt last very long because I usually find myself in bed around 6 or 7- long before anyone else. And my bouts of sobriety follow episodes of total self-poisoning so I too sit in bewilderment wondering if Im REALLY done or just recovering for the next one.
I reach out to you via this blog….its the only one Ive liked enough to actually create an account for. Reading the posts from others keeps me from feeling like Im a total piece of shit.
Take Care and GO DAY!
Hi, I’m on day two. I am a wine lover but feel like its no longer a good idea. My (ex) husband and I split a year and a half ago, and when that happened, I VERY gradually started drinking more wine at night. It helped me deal with feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I am now on day two Nov 13, 2014 and am sipping on a couple of cans of RedBull throughout the day…which may not be good either but its helping me in the evening to stop feeling like I want a glass of wine. I drank in the evenings because it helped me keep my weight down (I wouldn’t eat) and have a history of disordered eating. I’m thin, and want to stay this way and alcohol had been helping me with that, but now I can’t do it anymore. I’m done. Any words of advice would be helpful. I’m 45.
This is a very fragile time and you need to give yourself a lot of self care. Something I found helpful were to mix up my routine. Being sober in the evenings opened up a lot of possibilities because I could drive places and do things when I would otherwise have been isolating on the sofa, so I started going for groceries almost every night.I would stock up on some small indulgences to get me through the evening. Avoid the people and places that would make it hard for you to stay away from booze. Eventually you will get to a point where you can go into old situation and feel stronger about saying no to booze, but for now you need to care for yourself like a little baby. Load your phone with recovery podcasts ( http://www.thebubblehour.com; http://afterpartychat.com/category/podcast/; http://podcastone.com/Dr-Drew-Show – these are also avail on itunes and there are aa speakers galore as well) and go for nice walks. Dust off a precious tea cup from grandma and make it part of your evening ritual. Bubble baths and pedicures. Self care and positive activities! Keep me posted – you are worth all the effort so hang in there and be patient with yourself.
On Fri, Nov 14, 2014 at 5:32 PM, UnPickled wrote:
Today is my day one. I have been an alcoholic for the last 10 years. I have brief times where I have been able to stop, a few months at best. I hate it! I’m soo tired of not remembering how I got to bed. How I put the kids to bed. My husband recently took a job out of town and I’m home?working and taking care of both of them. Before he left the drinking wasn’t as bad. I had a bit of accountability in the house. Now It’s been four weeks and my drinking is completely out of control. Gasp..I drove to the store after a bottle of one to get one more last night. Opened it, poured a glass and passed out. I’ve tried AA and haven’t seemed to find something that works. This blog is so uplifting. I have spent the whole morning reading through the last year of your posts. Thank you for letting me know that there is a way to do this.
What if it’s not working. I think help is in order but what if it’s not going according to plan. Help?
Yes, help! Reach out, ask someone for help. Most people in recovery consider helping others important and are grateful for the opportunity to be part of your journey. helping each other helps each of us stay sober. If you are comfortable going to a recovery meeting like AA, Smart Recovery, Life Ring, or Celebrate Recovery, you will find the people to be encouraging. It isn’t like joining a gym – you are not obligated to join or even return – it is okay to go and just see how it feels and maybe talk to some people to ask for help. Does that feel like something you might do? Would you like some more resources to look into online? How can i help you get past this bump?
Hi. After 12 years of never missing a day without drinking. Two months ago, I finally quit my new job of only 4 months. I previously worked as a leader at the largest company of its kind in the world. Only to move to the new company and still bring my old problems with me. Over qualified for most jobs, I spent the past month and a half drinking excessively. I do mean excess to the max. Starting at 6:30 am passing out around noon or 1 then sleeping til 5 or so. Then up and drinking til I passed out around midnight. Rinse, repeat, new day. I did this all the while having consistent problems with my relationship.
Here is how I quit. Each day, I was getting more and more disgusted with going to the cooler. Asking my fiance to pick up drinks and ice every single day. If I ran out, then she would be asked to go out and get more from a corner store. Embarrassing to her no doubt. I hated going to the cooler to get a drink. It started just ticking me off.
I woke up two weeks ago and said I am done. I spent three days downsizing my intake. I stayed in bed, literally did not leave the house or my bedroom. I got up to use the restroom and back to the bed and watched series after series on Netflix and Hulu. I did this while going through horrible pains, spasms, nightmares, hot and cold flashes, waking up in sweat drenched sheets, shaking, small noises would make me jump like it was a bomb, couldnt even use the restroom without shaking, my legs could not stay still in the bed, I could not think clearly at all, could not make coherent sentences, forgot what I was saying half the time. Couldnt remember what things were called. What is a colander? The strainy thing. I could not get over the depression, the anxiety, the hopelessness, the fear. Hated to go to sleep because I was afraid the pain in my stomach, liver and heart was going to make me have a heart attack or I was going to have the hallucinations that are so real that you jump and your heart is racing so horribly.
I spent the next week getting over the liver, stomach pain, and headaches. The general overall feeling of being in a fog. I really did not leave the room much at all that following week. My fiance was there for me. She brought me food to the bedroom, made juice from fresh vegetables, brought me vitamins, and pretty much would sit with me when she could on the bed. We watched movies and spent time together. She never judged the sickness I was trying to get out of.
I was for the first time in my life, patient with my situation, patient with myself. I gave in. I gave up. Funny that it sounds like I quit on myself. Reality is it was just that. Who myself was. That is who was killing me. Ruining relationships, responsibilities, accountability, career, and an overall feeling of worthlessness. I had no energy for anything. I could barely pay bills on my computer despite having the money to do so, the time to do so and nothing at all preventing me from doing so. I just could not move. I started missing work at least once a week. Finally one day I went in and albeit was dealt a very unprofessional situation that morning, I quit. I said no more of that place.
Here is the tricky part. Had I not quit, despite not having a job lined up, I dont know that I would have been able to quit drinking. It was a cycle I could not get out of. Most would categorize me as a highly functioning alcoholic. I moved quickly up the ranks in the business world with numerous awards, etc. All the while abusing alcohol daily.
SO,,,, after about ten days, my stomach and liver stopped hurting. The pain in my heart (literally) went away. I stopped shaking. I have coherent thoughts. I have written down all of the things I want to do and get my life back. I am more patient with myself and like myself more than ever. I am proud of me once more. I am excited about the new life I have. Granted, I dont recognize who I am much as of day 14. It is a whole new world.
Two days ago, I went to the corner store to get some soda’s. Early in the morning, I drove my old truck down the quiet streets. It was amazing. I realized that the only REAL problem in my life without alcohol was a temporary lack of work at the moment. When I was drinking, there was ALWAYS some issue that was so big in my head, that it felt like my world was always falling apart. I made that up in my head. Being clear I realized, hey! Wait a minute, my life is pretty awesome here now. Get back to work and you have a great thing in store. It was never really that bad, but boy howdy did my mind make my world a living hell. And with that hell, came the inability to get rid of the thing that was creating the pain.
Here is another thing you may run into as well. Insomnia. Not for out of fear of the aforementioned things either. I as of right this moment am still dealing with that. Now, mind you, I do not have a job at the moment that has required a bedtime or get out of bed time in two months. SO, your situation may be different. However, if you are in a similar fashion to my circumstance, then I, in my opinion, suggest to not worry about it as of yet. I found this amazing outreach and testimony blog by researching how to address that I quit drinking and NOW WHAT? So, in a nutshell here, so long as you are productive, let your mind find its new self. I for one know that I have been missing the real me for a long time. Now that I have the ability to see ME again, and with all of the life I have learned being in the fog the past decade, I know I have so much more to learn about myself and how I best fit into this new world of mine.
I know I will no longer be a drinker. Alcoholic sure. So, the one place that I was going to have to put it to the test was on the golf course. My buddies and I were always really big drinkers on the course. We would drink damn near a beer a hole. 18 beers plus whatever I had before I tee’d off. Then whatever I drank after the round at the clubhouse or restaurant, then whatever I drank when I got home. It was easy to get into the 30-40 drink area on the weekend. A day. I golfed two days ago without even wanting a drink despite them drinking it up. I happened to shoot one of the best scores I have shot in years.
To Cheryl and Rachel. Be patient with yourself. Give up. Get rid of thinking you are a failure. Accept responsibility for loving yourself. Take a week or more off if you can. You have to break the cycle. Spend time with you. Watch inspirational movies. Reading was hard for me as I could not concentrate. If per UnPickled suggests, you can get outside and walk, then give that a whirl. I was too hurt inside to do that myself. I sense that is a matter of personal attention to the individual.
To UnPickled. You are inspiring that you are sharing your story with us so openly and honestly. WE all need to know this is a very difficult disease that without HELP is virtually impossible to work with. Thank you for your efforts here. I have subscribed as I myself will continue to know that I am not alone. That I can learn from others points of view.
Lastly, I will say this to UnPickled’s point. While I should have seen a doctor first, I did not when I detoxed myself. I do not recommend this at all. Everyone has different DNA. I put myself at risk and I know that. In all fairness, it hurt so bad, had I still been working and had insurance, I would have went to the ER. There are many problems associated with quitting like I did. Sure, I did some research on holistic avenues. They worked so far for me. Have I done irrepairable damage that I am unaware of at the moment? Maybe. But I did what I did. I drank and then I quit. Neither way was good on how I went about it. I do know however, that it can be done with help. Funny thing is when I was working I had the benefits beyond measure that would have paid for rehab and any type of medical bills that would have been associated with medicine, cognitive therapy, etc. I ignored all of that.
Bottom line is this to anyone reading. My story on how is not a story on what YOU should do. It is my story alone on how I did it. Better or worse, I am clear for the first time in 12 years. I have a new life. One that I am excited about. Keep in mind, when you quit though. You will have doubts about your new life. It will feel abnormal. You will have so much more free time (perceived and actual) that your mind is not going to be used to it. FIND SOMETHING you CARE about. Something that excites you again. Something you are PASSIONATE about.
And go get it with a smile. 🙂
PS: Thank you UnPickled.
Thank YOU, Michael. Yours is a beautiful post and it will help change lives.
Thanks for sharing Michael… these blogs are the most interested thing i have ever been able to read… I know i am SO close to making the step toward recovery.. I feel myself becoming closer everyday… Maybe today? Maybe Tomorrow? We’ll just see….
Thank you for your honesty and inspiration and the reminder that I am not alone and I too can beat this and find true happiness and walk away from the shame and guilt.
Your story has helped me and I am only on day one. I was worried that nobody else is in recovery. Thanks
You are not alone – there are so many sober people who are cool as beans – you have no idea! Jump in – it is a great life 🙂 I am glad you are here.
I woke up today and thought ‘now or never’. I told someone – someone I’d never usually confide in and yet the response was just right. I poured out the leftover gin and wine in the house. I went out and bought myself a lovely teapot (for sipping) and some flowers (because I deserve them). And I found your blog! I’ve very grateful; this has been a really good, different, hopeful day. Will I make it through this evening? and tomorrow? Those are my questions at 5 pm today. That’s fair. Thank you, thank you for your writing, your sharing, your courage. Now, it’s up to me.
Cheryl, I am cheering for you and want to support you as you succeed in this change. Stay in touch and keep moving forward. You will love your life with the freedom that living without alcohol will bring.
UnPickled, thank you for your amazing blog, and your efforts to reach out and attract others that struggle and a place where we can all come together and help one another.
You are most welcome. I am honoured to have had this blog become part of so many journeys that weave together and give/take strength.
I’ve just found your blog and it’s inspiring. I’ve wanted to stop drinking for over 2 years now and haven’t been successful. I feel like a failure to my kids, husband and myself. In aging faster, gaining weight, I have constant anxiety almost completely due to my alcoholism but none of that seems to matter after about a week. I just wish I could control this. Any advice on how to take the first few steps and not want to scream at everyone around me? Thanks
First, tell someone. One person who won’t blow you off or say “you’re fine”. Your doctor, your husband, a friend (an actual friend, not a drinking buddy), a therapist or counsellor. If you can’t talk about it, you can’t change it. (This is why people go to meetings – to talk!) The instant you speak the truth to someone, you start to take back your power.
Secondly, take action. Make a plan and get after it. Read up on PAWS and make sure you are quitting safely, the start the do-ing. Get the booze out of your home, stock up on alternatives for munch and sip when you normally drink, and line up heaps and heaps of self-care. Bubble baths and People magazines and movies. Listen to recovery podcasts and go for walks in the fresh air. Busy yourself with the life you’ve been avoiding.
Support, action, and self care. Those are some good starting points. Check the resource links on the side of this page and consider choosing a recovery pathway for support.
How does that sound, Rachel? Are you ready? You’re not alone and you can do this. You deserve to be happy and full of peace.
It’s day 12 for me and, having scoured the internet looking for advice and pointers (of which there are many, fine examples), your blog is definitely the most resonant for me, as are the very insightful comments that people are posting here. I’ve been a drinker since my early teens, with a two-year hiatus in my early twenties after I was diagnosed with diabetes, and another, shorter break in my early 30s, when I was living with a sober person.
Then I started again, and it became increasingly heavy as I moved from one-night binge drinking sessions towards binge drinking in sessions that could last for whole weekends, and these were, inevitably followed by several days of “winding-down” drinking (involving a fair amount of alcohol in themselves). In the end I was drinking most days, and a year ago I started on whiskey, which I found surprisingly easy to get through.
This past year and a half has been insane. After my mother died I used bereavement as a justification for my increasingly heavy binges, and my quality of life was very low. The past twelve days have been great and I’ve been able to get some perspective on things, as well as a sense of control, which is great, because control was something that I had definitely lost.
I know that a lot of people can return to better-managed or controlled drinking but I’m not sure that I can. And, for me, staying off it entirely feels like I’m resisting this problem in a more definite way. I want this to be permanent, and I look forward to following your posts, along with your many readers’ very insightful comments, and to learning more about staying off alcohol.