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Telling

Having a secret is as uncomfortable for me as a panty wedge.  It alters my body movements, causes me to glance sideways constantly and seek out dark corners to back into.

My acting skills are roughly on par with the kids in the Barney videos.  When combined with my inherited Catholic conscience, I have an amazing ability to physically display the possession of a secret.

I slump and slink in a way that causes mall cops to follow me for hours.  They can see I look guilty and since I usually carry an oversize bag, clearly I could be swiping designer jeans or small appliances at any opportunity.

Naturally mall security would assume that taking twenty minutes to decipher all the choices of K-cups in Bed Bath and Beyond is a cover for sizing up the expensive knife sets across the aisle. No one could take that long to choose between medium roast and decaf.  Obviously I’m up to something.

I know I am being watched and want so much to wave the mall cop over and explain, “Hey I’ve recently given up drinking and the evenings at home are a bitch.  Do you think a dark roast would keep me up at night or should I just go decaf and maybe splash in a little flavoured syrup? Also I’m finding the detox headaches in the morning a bit much and caffeine helps.  Lighter roast has more caffeine but I really prefer the taste of medium roast. Hey, did you know Safeway has a really great fat free cream?”

Much as I know this conversation would end the mall stalking and possibly even kindle a new friendship, I sigh and resign myself to being tailed all the way to my car.  I’m not telling this guy my secret any more than I’m telling the rest of the world.

I did, however, finally tell my husband.  It was a relief to me, and his kindness and support make me love him even more.  We are one of those couples who dated in high school and managed to have a long happy marriage in spite of ourselves.  I think one of the challenges for couples that start their lives together at a young age is that life’s changes can cause them to grow in opposite directions.  We have made a conscious effort to grow together, but each change brings challenges.  New directions we take as individuals must be discussed and decided as a couple, and sometimes this means compromise.

In typical “man” mode, sharing a problem with my husband always means getting his specific solutions. You should just…. This is a common male/female communication challenge – women want to explore feelings and be heard; men want to find a solution and act on it.

I might say, “Uck. I am having a fat day.” This should be the cue for him to rub my back and tell me I am beautiful.  Instead I hear, “You should just watch your portion control” or may favourite: “You should just buy bigger pants.”

So for years, when I’ve half-heartedly said “I should really quit drinking,” his suggestions have been “You should just drink on weekends” or “You should just have red wine on occasion because it is still good for you,” or even just “You should.”

All of these are perfectly good and valid answers.  Most folks can drink on weekends or special occasions. Most folks can manage a healthy amount of red wine. Most folks could just quit.

As I’ve said in other posts, you can’t ask for viable solutions if you aren’t honest about the problem.  And since I wasn’t prepared to admit the seriousness of my situation to anyone but myself, my God, and the kind readers of my anonymous posts it really wasn’t fair to expect a useful conversation.

Ten days into my new life, I opened up over a bowl of WonTon soup and shared the essence of the story.  It wasn’t exactly a heart to heart.  More like letting out blobs of truth in spurts, the way a repelling rock climber is issued line from a spotter below. A bit more. A bit more.  Until there it was, and here it is, and here we are.

Unburdened of my secret, I feel myself standing straighter and breathing normally.  It’s such a relief to be my whole self with the most important person in my life.  I can’t imagine telling others, but last week I couldn’t imagine telling anyone at all.

It can only get better from here.

 

 

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About UnPickled

I am learning to walk without the crutch of alcohol. As I begin I am 1 day sober. Gulp. I drank in private and hope to quit just as privately. The purpose of this blog is to help make me accountable - just by following you will give me enormous support and encouragement.

Posted on April 2, 2011, in Getting Sober. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. I just found your blog! Welcome! Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share your experiences.

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    • I am excited to discover your blog as well. Hmmm, amazing how many sources of support and information there are — all I had to do was remove the blinders and search in earnest!

      Like

  2. I’m so glad you’ve told some trusted people. I am 3 1/2 years sober, and I remember well those dark days of secrecy and isolation. I was so terrified of telling anyone that I stayed sick and alone for a looooong time. I think it’s great you have this place to come talk about it; I’m glad to have found your blog.

    I’m putting you on my blogroll at http://www.cryingoutnow.com — if you haven’t seen it yet it’s a blog where women come tell their stories of addiction and recovery. Some women are still drinking, some are newly sober and some have been sober a while. In the blogroll are many other bloggers traveling this path – I’m sure they will find you! 🙂 We are NOT alone.

    -xo

    -Ellie

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    • It is an HONOUR to be listed on your site, Ellie. I have visited CryingOutNow.com many times already in my three little weeks of recovery. I began writing “Unpickled” as a means to help myself stay the course. I did not realize the benefit would extend far beyond accountability, into the realm of connecting with others – so many others! – with similar stories. Your site is a help and encouragement to people seeking change. To even imagine my story helping someone like myself fuels my passion to succeed.

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      • I’m loving your blog – you are an honest, compassionate and insightful writer. If you ever want to submit to Crying Out Now, we’d love to hear from you.

        🙂

        -Ellie

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        • Thank you so much, Ellie. What a generous compliment! I would love to send you something for Crying Out Now – many of the readers of this blog are finding me through your page. Let me know what you’re looking for – you can email me directly at picklednomore@gmail.com

          Cheers 🙂

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  3. I just read this. I’m sober 7 years. I get that ‘secret’ of being a drinker
    An alcoholic. A problem. After a while, it became more clear to me that everyone else already knew. I acted a fool, lost control, embarrassed someone, on and on. People sometimes responded “you’re not an alcoholic”. Those were my posh friends which I would have never subjected them to my behavior after a 4 drink night. I suffered those nights having to hold back! Couldn’t wait to get home and have enough to pass out!

    We change over time. We accept our Thinkin is ‘off’. The drink could just as easily been sex, gambling, drugs, overeating etc. We all have strange wiring. I bet there are few who care that we choose to stop drinking. I figure that was my self seeking part of myself who really wanted people to know more about me

    I also know that ‘normies’ can never ever ‘GET’ my addiction. I quit trying to explain. I used to try! I was so excited about my newfound knowledge of the disease and excited for the work laid out in front of me. Ummm, THAT part IS all about me. So I stick with the winners,those who choose to live in the solution & work daily tolive by better principles. I’m happy. And I getto choose my companions today. Sometimes it’s sad, but necessary. I choose sobriety. I choose life! Just for today. God bless you every day ~. Keep coming back!

    Like

    • Ahh, bless your heart and thank you for your words, Sherril. I feel that anxiety over trying to explain and am leaning towards just “living it”. I’ve now told a few special people who are very close to me, and that will be it. As you said, it could be any number of habitual behaviours — this is our particular wiring and that’s just how it is — I was thinking that very thing myself moments before I read your comment. Then when I read your words I had to smile – I believe “coincidences” like that can be quiet divine affirmations, so I’m believing it was my message from above for the day: to accept myself for who I am and how my body works, and to take care of myself. Cheers!

      Like

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