Advertisements

Awkward

I’ve always prided myself on my ability to make others comfortable.  Ever a generous host, always a gracious guest.  Perhaps I watched too much Love Boat as a child and was overly influenced by Julie the Cruise Director.  I put the comfort of others ahead of my own, at least I used to.

I am learning that my survival in sobriety hinges on my willingness to allow a bit of awkwardness.

Last night I went to a movie with my sisters, only one of whom is aware that I’ve quit drinking.  That’s all she knows really, that I’ve quit.  Actually I didn’t choose to tell her at all, she noticed and asked, “So what, you’re not drinking at all? Is this like, forever?” (Um, yah.  It’s forever.) “Oh, sweet,” she chirped, a little nervously it seemed to me. “So I guess you’re the DD from now on.” (For sure.)

She knows it but she doesn’t quite “get” it.

My idea was go to the show last night and be home by 9:30.  This didn’t quite match my sister’s expectation at all. “I thought we could all go to the bar after for –” suddenly she remembered my situation and shifted mid-sentence,  “– something to eat. Like a plate of nachos or something….?” She trailed off.

I felt horrible.  I am home alone this weekend and the bar is the last place I need to find myself.  I’d only arranged the movie outing to help fill my time during the witching hours when I most miss drinking. I just wanted to go home after, walk my dogs and crawl into bed with a book.  This was the antidote to drinking for me.  I knew I could “technically” manage to go to the bar and not drink, but I also knew it wasn’t best for me, and wasn’t at all what I wanted to do.

I dropped her off at her house after the movie, earlier than she wanted to be home on a Saturday night.  I could tell she was disappointed.  My other sister didn’t seem to mind; she had a long drive home from there and wanted to get on the road.

“Here, I owe you for the movie,” one of them said, fishing through her bag for her wallet.

“My treat,” I said, feeling badly that I was no longer much fun for her.

“Okay, I owe you then,” she said. “I’ll just bring you a bottle–”  She stopped short.  Her face was a mix of embarrassment and annoyance. We used to often bring each other a bottle of wine in exchange for small favours.  “I guess I can’t pay you in wine anymore so I’ll have to buy you nachos sometime.”

It was awkward, there’s no other word. I never realized wine was so many things in our relationship – a symbol, a currency, an activity, a hobby, a habit.

“No worries,” I said, smiling.

Advertisements

About UnPickled

I am learning to walk without the crutch of alcohol. As I begin I am 1 day sober. Gulp. I drank in private and hope to quit just as privately. The purpose of this blog is to help make me accountable - just by following you will give me enormous support and encouragement.

Posted on May 22, 2011, in Getting Sober. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Oh my goodness, this really connected with me. The amount of times I’ve failed giving up in the past because of wanting other people not to feel uncomfortable, so I’ve drank. Ive just found this blog and am starting from the beginning. It’s really great

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I used to welcome wine as currency, wine as symbol, wine as friendship. I used to promote it and encourage it. It is like some kind of cult. My book club should get royalties from wine manufacturers. Now that you have raised my awareness on this, I will be an observer. Sort of like an anthropologist. Thank you!

    Like

  3. I totally get the ‘currency’ thing. I went out for lunch today with my mother and sister and they sat back amazed that I didn’t order wine. (12 days sober today and haven’t really told anyone anything categorically.) My sister mentioned a movie she had for us to watch when I came over for wine. Then it was talk of Christmas and drinking wine, and so on and so on. I wonder if I have any non wine dimensions, I hope so! I hope people can create new associations for me, and soon!
    Sam

    Like

  4. Sometimes it’s those awkward moments that bring family members closer together…in addition to the awkward moments it allows for the moments of appreciation and congratulations that are so important…Thanks for sharing your honesty with all of us and letting us learn from you…Hugs!

    Like

  5. Just found your blog and am struck by the honesty – and maybe even a little insight. I have been sober a long, long time – still go to AA once a week. Have been called a “low bottom snob” because my bottom was very ugly – it took all of it to get me sober at age 45 for the first and only time. I am so glad for you – it is such a freedom —-.

    Like

    • Thanks, Sally. I won’t say I envy your “rock bottom” but it would make things easier to explain if I’d smashed my car or woke up in my own pee. Luckily for me, I changed before it came to that. Maybe it was closer than I realized. I am thankful for my new life despite the lack of juicy bits.

      Like

Your Turn! Have Your Say:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

The Truth of Being Me

Memories, Moments & Mid-Life of a Woman, Survivor & Fighter

Finding a Sober Miracle

A woman's quest for one year of sobriety

Unbeaching the Whale

A recovery journey

A Beautiful Mess

Embracing the beautiful mess God created me to be

Anna Bananas

I might be crazy, but at least I'm sober

mistakes by the lake

sit down. let me tell you a story about ohmygod what am I doing?

ma petite lumière

a creative outlet + nonlinear collection of musings on unlearning how to destroy and remembering how to create. designed to enlighten, empower and humor.

StoneColdTemperate

I used to drink to do life, now I have to figure it out the old fashioned way - dazed and confused, lucky it's hilarious.

rockinthesoberworld

who knew life would be better????

Total Fatty

Escaping my escape mechanisms.

Hurrah for coffee!

My new sober adventure!

Blog - LAURA McKOWEN

How I Secretly Quit My Secret Habit of Secretly Drinking

Honeybee Living

How I Secretly Quit My Secret Habit of Secretly Drinking

suburban betty

clean & serene

Heya, Monster.

A SoberBlog by a TallWoman.

A Spiritual Evolution

an alcoholic's blog and addiction memoir

life without vodka rocks

Quitting alcohol on my own terms

feelingmywaybackintolife

living without alcohol, living again

Seeing Clear Lee

musings on becoming alcohol-free

The Truth About Alcohol

We Are Not Alcoholics and we Refuse to be Anonymous

My Road To Abstinence

Sober, me? Really?

ainsobriety

Trying to ace sober living

viatoday

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Starting today I am on my way.

The Six Year Hangover

A BLOG BY A GAY MAN GETTING SOBER IN NEW YORK CITY.

And Everything Afterwards

How I quit alcohol and discovered the beauty of a sober life

Raising Healthy Children in an Alcoholic Home

A Book and Blog for Parents in Recovery from Alcoholism and Codependence

unsmashed

Finding myself by leaving the wine behind...

HealthyJenn

From daily wine drinker to alcohol free living...this is my journey.

SOBER COURAGE

from liquid courage to sober courage

Mrs D Is Going Without

How I Secretly Quit My Secret Habit of Secretly Drinking

A hangover free life

Waking up to the sobering reality that booze is the problem not the solution

Mished-up

Mixed-up, Mashed-up, Mished-up.

Off-Dry

I got sober. Life got big.

Heather Kopp

Words fail, but sometimes I try

Sober Grace

Finding and practicing grace in recovery

themiracleisaroundthecorner

There are no coincidences.

Running on Sober

This blog is on hiatus, thank you for your support.

Sober Identity

#Life Coach #50+ Years #Striving #Thriving #Emerge: Growing From Addiction-Starter's Guide" #AfterRehabCoaching

%d bloggers like this: