“I’m Sorry” by Nancy P.

On a recent episode of The Bubble Hour (Nancy’s Story S7 E23), a poem was shared that touched many listeners. I’ve since been swamped with requests for a copy, and I’m pleased to make it available to you here in print and audio form. My gratitude to Nancy for her vulnerability and courage in telling her story and reading her poem.

Click here for audio of “I’m Sorry”:

I'M SORRY

 I always said “I’m sorry”
 for everything I did
 I think that it began
 When I was just a kid.
 
 I’m sorry that I’m little
 I’m sorry I get mad
 I’m sorry if I’m not as smart
 As my mom or dad.
 
 I’m sorry that I’m shy
 And that my chest is flat.
 I’m sorry I’m not ready
 To do the stuff like that.
 
 I’m sorry about the baby
 He’s colicky; he’ll cry
 I’m sorry I can’t comfort him
 No matter how I try.
 
 I’m sorry for my house
 It’s messy, we have boys...
 I’m sorry for my car
 It’s making a strange noise.
 
 I’m sorry about my cooking
 It isn’t always great.
 I’m sorry that I’m tired
 I’m sorry that I’m late.
 
 Sorry about the garden
 The yard is such a mess
 I need to do some weeding
 We need to fix the fence…
 
 I’m sorry about my dog
 He should be better trained
 I’m sorry about my kitchen
 I’m sorry about my brain.

 I’m sorry about my hair
 I’m sorry I’m a bore
 I’m sorry sometimes I forget
 What I had said before.
 
 Sorry I was quiet
 Sorry if I said too much
 Sorry I was clumsy
 Sorry I was rushed.
 
 Sorry I spent money
 Sorry I was cheap
 Sorry I’m so sensitive
 Sorry I’m too deep.

 Sorry that I drank too much
 Sorry that I quit
 Sorry if you find that weird
 Sorry for my shit.
 
 I’ve been sorry for my flaws
 Each and every one
 And yet I have to tell you
 Sorry isn’t fun.
 
 I’m sick of saying sorry
 Or swallowing my words
 It’s time I just said “fuck that”
 All these “sorries” are absurd.
 
 I’m not sorry for my thoughts
 My hips, my breasts, my brain
 I’m not sorry for my feelings
 I’m not sorry for my pain.
 
 I’m not sorry for my cooking
 It’s nourishing and good
 I’m not sorry for my car
 It takes me where it should.
 
 I’m not sorry for my home
 It’s filled with love and care
 I’m not sorry for my body
 My wrinkles or my hair.
 
 I’m not sorry for my voice
 I think it should be heard
 I’m not sorry for the many times
 I’m searching for a word.
 
 I’m not sorry that I’m sober
 It’s how I want to be
 I’m not sorry if you wish I’d drink,
 I’ll have a cup of tea.
 
 I’m not sorry that I’m human
 Warm and soft and kind
 I’m not sorry I’m imperfect
 In body and in mind.
 
 I’m ready for that chapter
 Of apologies to end
 I’m ready for acceptance
 Of everything I am.
 
 And so I’ll just apologize
 One last heartfelt time
 To the person that I’ve been, and am
 The person that is fine.
 
 I’m sorry, little girl
 That I criticized you so
 I’m sorry, awkward teenager
 I should have let you know
 
 That you were truly lovely
 Compassionate and smart
 I’m sorry brand new mother
 With your enormous heart.
 
 I’m sorry middle-aged me
 I love you, you’re a dear
 I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you
 But that is stopping here.

 I’m finding self-compassion
 The missing link, I think
 I know it’s what I didn’t have
 When I would choose to drink.

 My light is shining brightly
 My sisters are at hand
 I’m ready to take care of me
 In every way I can.
 
 I’m rising through my sadness
 I’m rising from my pain
 I’m rising from my guilt
 I’m rising from my shame.
 
 I’m ready now to stand
 I’m ready soon to soar
 I’m ready, please come with me
 I see an open door…
 

 by NRP, a woman in recovery
 2019