If there is one question I am most asked about living alcohol-free, it is “How did you know it was time to quit drinking?”
Only occasionally is this question asked with dancing eyes that reveal a quest for titillation: I want to hear every detail of rock bottom. If I sense that is the motive, I generally let them down easy: I was the most boring alcoholic ever – I have no stories of catastrophe. I just knew I was losing control and needed to take charge.
More often it is asked with genuine interest, either because someone would like to know me better or is trying to understand addiction better for personal reasons. Sincere questions deserve honest answers.
I have been reading about the “transtheoretical model of behaviour change” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transtheoretical_model) and I can easily see how it correlates to my journey. In short, it identifies various stages of decision-making and behaviour changes as such:
- Precontemplation (not ready) – in my case, using wine as a daily antidote for stress and anxiety; enjoying the relief it brought; feeling very comfortable with my routine and experiencing no negative thoughts or consequences.
- Contemplation (getting ready) – I began to feel an acknowledgement and growing discomfort with the reality of my habits. I started to pay attention to the red flags (see below). I began watching Celebrity Rehab with intense focus (while drinking).
- Preparation (ready) – I got up the courage to assess my drinking patterns online (I used http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov) and received confirmation that I needed to make changes. I started trying to quit and failed each day. I took no steps to make myself accountable and did not reach out for help, but these initial unsuccessful efforts confirmed my worst fears. Not only could I not quit, but also not moderate or reduce. Throughout this stage, my intake instead steadily escalated and I began to realize where this was headed.
- Action (initiating change) – for me, this was speaking honestly to a friend, starting this blog, and reaching out to the online community for help and support. I threw myself into the task at hand and little by little made it through each difficult day.
- Maintenance (supporting the change) – I guess this is where I am at now – you could call this ongoing recovery. This is a great place to be and many recovery advocates say the goal should be to engage in this phase forever.
- Termination (completion of change) – remembering that the transtheoretical model of behaviour change is not about recovery specifically, there comes an end point where the change is complete and the new behaviours are effortless and normal. There are different schools of thought in the recovery community as to whether or not one can ever end the process. Some pathways teach that if you stop going to meetings and working their program you’ll either start drinking again or fall into the miserable life of a “dry drunk”. Some pathways encourage striving for a point of supported closure on the change – which does not mean it is possible to start drinking again normally but rather that you can go forward as a “non-drinker” and be done with it. I don’t take a position on this – at this point it doesn’t matter to me because I have a lot of work still to do and see myself in the maintenance phase for many years to come.
Red Flags
So what were those red flags for me? It wasn’t any one single “big” thing that led me to change; it was the accumulation of little things. Here are some I recall:
- Unable to stop drinking daily
- Unable to reduce or limit amount
- Drinking alone
- Shame about bottles in recycling bin
- Hiding extra alcohol in cupboard
- Continual concern about having enough alcohol on hand
- Obsessive awareness of alcohol at every event – planning when and how to get in the “right” amount to get through the evening while still managing to drive sober to and from events, and appear “normal” to the outside world
- Becoming very agitated when unplanned changes disrupted my pattern – specifically I recall a friend dropping by and my husband poured her a glass of wine. I began to panic knowing that it meant there would not be enough to get me through the evening. I secretly drank shots of scotch before bed to compensate. I felt guilty about resenting my friend for visiting unannounced.
- Spending the last hour of work each day deciding if I would stick to my plan of quitting drinking or stop at a liquor store on the way home, all the while knowing I would certainly pick up more wine.
- Rotating stores because I was embarrassed of buying wine every day, but never buying more too much at once because I was planning to quit “tomorrow”.
- Finding out that my drinking habits fell into the “high risk” and “heavy drinking” categories. I knew my drinking was only increasing, never declining, and I was running out of categories. Next stop: rock bottom. No thanks.
Now what about you, readers? Do you recognize yourself in the stages of behaviour changes? What were your red flags, and was it many little things or one big incident that initiated your decision to live alcohol-free?
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Tick a few of those boxes. Day 5 here, time to stop it before it runs away! It’s amazing how good a few back to back hangover free days feels!
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All of the red flags you mentioned are like reading my own story. I drink in private, I lie to my spouse about how much I drink, though I’m sure he knows. I’ve gone as far to secretly buy a bottle of vodka to pour into the one in our freezer to make it look as if I really didn’t drink that much. I wake up with drinkers remorse every day, I’ve set alarms for 6pm reminding myself that I promised I wouldn’t drink, to remember the guilt I felt that morning when I woke. I want to be healthier, not just for myself but for my spouse and my kids. I want to be the friend who is the designated driver, and most times I am but when I get home- doesn’t matter how late I reach for the bottle. Im ready to stop. I want to stop, but every night I find myself searching for the bottle and the shot glass. All of my friends drink every time we get together, the people I’ve met that are new always say “I like this version of you” when I drink alcohol. I know I need to cut them out of my life at least while I work on my self control, but my spouse and I have the same friends and I feel like Im spiraling. SA triggered my drinking problem, but now I don’t drink to cope, I drink out of habit. I’ve tried teas, reading books (romance novels), vitamin routines, etc. Even movies when I see alcohol makes me want to drink. I hope coming back to this comment section later helps me when I want to reach for the bottle. I’ve felt comfort in all other comments I’ve read.
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Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad you’re here. Would you consider joining a program or group, online or in-person? Do you have access to healthcare for physical and mental support? Is there anyone in your life you can enlist as a trusted confidant who can help you through the early days and act as your wingman? It isn’t easy but you deserve to be happy and free from alcohol’s demands.
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Yes please. I really need help. Sometimes I am out in public and it just starts coming out. I always avoided it by drinking my apple juice but nothing works. Thank you for providing me this information.
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I have just found this site and oh my, every one of those red flags applies to me! I started a private blog 4 years ago and update it most days with how I’ve tried and failed yet again to stop drinking 2 bottles (yes bottles!) of wine a night between 6 and 11 p.m. And apart from a 2 month period before lockdown I’ve failed miserably. Lockdown anxiety ruined my success in March and I’m back to square one – I can’t moderate and because I am good at handling alcohol and never feel too ill or get sick I feel as though I can just carry on. It’s all or nothing. In my blog I detail how fantastic I feel when not drinking, how I lose weight, look better, save money and feel healthier but every day at 5 pm. I dash out for the 2 bottles I promised I wouldn’t have. Tonight, instead, I am going to read through your blog posts. Wish me well. Ailsa
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❤️❤️we have all been there. You will figure it out. Lisa
Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone
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Real.
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This is me I need to stop
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Hey there. You’re not alone. If you’re ready to make a change you have loads of options. It’s not easy but it’s so much better without alcohol dragging you down.
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I found you by accident after a night of being a very nasty drinker once again…I am in the contemplation stage with most of those red flags waving quite vigorously in front of my face. I find myself reading more and more of the articles and responses on here. Even showing my poor forgiving husband the post that blessed nine wrote and he said yes that is you. Baby steps right now…but finding strength
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I’m glad you’re here. Reading these posts and comments can help nudge from contemplation into preparation. Sending you peace and strength. Be gentle with yourself. (PS – be sure to spend some time listening to The Bubble Hour, too. Open your podcast app and search for it, or listen here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour )
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Hi Jean
Day one today of my eighth year without a drink. I think reading back on your red flags I would have to say that there is hope when one starts reading blogs and watching rehab shows on TV. It means that you are realizing that you have big problem. It amazes me when I see my siblings continuing to consume many drinks each night without shame or concern. There are people like them who will never seek out a blog. I searched through many sober blogs before I found Unpickled. For me my hidden bottles and obsessing about my supply was pretty much my rock bottom. The hole got deeper and deeper as my deceptive behavior alienated those people closest to m. Using this blog as a “sponsor” pulled me out of that hole. I felt like that there were anonymous people like me from the other side the world supporting me. I don’t miss the drinking. I am now the most dependable grandmother/ wife and mother. Strong and constant. Thanks Jean and all my fellow unpicked friends.
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I’m beyond happy for you and honoured to have played a role in your recovery. Thank you for checking in. You’re an inspiration.
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4 years sober tonight. This blog post was the first thing I read on day 1 and it was very inspiring. Thanks for writing it and good luck to everyone out there struggling and surviving.
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Congratulations! Thanks for sharing your success. You’re an inspiration!
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This is literally like looking in the mirror. I can’t seem to stop drinking every day and it is getting more and more. I can’t remember the last time I went 24 hours without alcohol. I’m going mad with doom and guilt about my health. I NEED to do something. But I don’t want to quit completely. Do you think it’s possible to cut down? Or maybe I need to stop completely….
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It sounds like you’ve been trying to cut back and can’t, which is usually a good indicator that it would be better to stop altogether. Honestly, none is easier than some. There’s a ton of resources available to help you make your decision and get started. Check my resources page in this site. Read “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace. Listen to The Bubble Hour for stories of how others have done it. Dig in. Learn all you can. You can take your power back.
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Please be careful. I was in your same situation and when I decided it was enough and quit cold turkey I got pretty sick. I had never heard of Delirium Tremens before but I know all about it now. I got through it fine but I should have checked myself into a voluntary treatment facility. Be safe and make this your Day 1. You can do this! I’m 4 years sober and every day I get a feeling of euphoria when I think about what I’ve accomplished.
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Day one again for me. Started reading your blog this weekend from the beginning. I relate to each red flag. I’m tired and need to move from the preparation to the action stage. I’m also overwhelmed yet grateful for all the resources out there. I’m having a hard time figuring out what would be the best support group for me. I’m a private person but realize I can’t do this alone.
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Hi Deb, I’m sober with you today. Have you thought about working with a recovery coach? It’s a new tool that seems to be super effective to help get the ball rolling. Most offer a free call to see if it feels like a fit, and they usually use video calls so they can connect from anywhere. So that’s one avenue to consider. If you message me via Facebook on the UnPickled page, I can help you find some of the inline support groups as well. Be gentle with yourself today.
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I can identify with every single one of those red flags. Every.Single.One. Ten days ago I said enough is enough. Praying as I make it through this early days.
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*these early days.
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How wonderful – you’re doing it! Brava! Keep going, it does get easier. You’re not alone!
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Day 1…of my 5th year sober! After many false starts, on January 1, 2015 I quit drinking for good. This website was my “sponsor,” my inspiration and my support group because I too secretly quit drinking. This particular blog entry hit home with me and got me on the road to recovery. I don’t think anyone realized I was getting out of control as I was high functioning and never missed a day of work (albeit some days I felt like crap until noon). I had my drinking buddies but since I drank the least out of the group(!!), no one realized I was headed for trouble. I never hit rock bottom but I was certainly circling the drain. I quit cold-turkey and have never looked back. My life has improved in so many ways and although in the beginning some days were a real struggle to get through, I made it. Am I still tempted? Once in a while I wish I could be like “normal people” and have a glass of wine but I know I cannot control it. I am way too proud of the person I’ve become to ever go back to hangovers and hating myself. If you are reading this and are also looking at the new year as an opportunity for a fresh start without alcohol, I encourage you to do it. Use this website for support. Read and re-read all the entries for encouragement-that’s what got me through. You can do this.
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Happy sober-anniversary and congrats on this special milestone!!
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My annual check in: Day one-of my eighth year sober! One of my top accomplishments in life. Jean, your blog was so instrumental in getting me here. Thank you.
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Congratulations on this milestone!! Inspiring
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I have been going about this for years. Always claiming a day one. Over and over…the cylcle… the pattern…daily regret in the morning (actually all day) the afternoon voice…the decision. Lately I have been reading nonstop about sobriety, listening to the Bubble Hour, even journaling. This morning I woke up and read your blog questioning if you were terminally I’ll would you go back to drinking? It shot through me like a lightning bolt…what if I were to to die ( we all are!) And I never had that taste of sobriety. Always saying tomorrow but then tomorrow isn’t there? Scared me so much. Made me so sad. I had 5 months of sobriety a couple years ago and loved it. It was VERY hard at times but I was calm and clear and full of energy. So here goes day one for me. Say a prayer. I am.
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Ok my friend, you’ve been prayed for this morning. Your eagerness to take your life back and live it fully will serve you well. Life without alcohol clears space for abundance, new experiences, happiness on new levels, profound sadness that can tolerated and healed, and growth. Lean hard on whatever you need to get through the witching hour – podcasts, ice cream, naps – and if you can try going to a recovery meeting (AA, Refuge Recovery, SMART Recovery) or book into a therapist or look into a recovery coach. You are not alone, there are millions of people living alcohol free who would love to help you. Message me via the UnPickled Facebook page if you need help finding resources. I am cheering for you.
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Went back to AA last night. This isn’t easy right now, but it sure is the right thing. I knew that if I didn’t step through the threshold nothing would change. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. I will need to make a lot of changes, but each one prayerfully considered will lead to freedom. Onward!
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Well done. Keep going. You’re not alone in this.
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Today is my day one. I just texted my husband and said I’m not going to drink tonight. I’d appreciate your support.
We’re both compulsive and from large families of compulsive people. Different areas of focus: some drink, some gamble, some try to control others, some smoke excessively, some do prescription medications – a couple are normal.
We’ve been together 37 years in October – married 34. I didn’t grow up in a house where drinking was the norm on a daily basis. People would drink at BBQs but no one drank daily. I didn’t have my first drink until I was 18: on graduation night. However, from there I made up for lost time and I’m thankful I lived through some of those early college days and I didn’t hurt anyone else.
In college I met my husband. He is a wonderful man and he grew up with a father who did drink nightly. So, when we got together and settled down, i also settled into the nightly routine of drinking wine. It was so easy to start and I’ve just never stopped. I don’t think I drink to relieve stress – its just a habit, a routine. However as others have noted so is the routine of feeling horrible, embarrassed, unhealthy every day…
So here we are now. I’ve called myself blessed because I am – we both are. God has blessed us with each other, two terrific kids (now adults), good health, good careers and prosperity. However, in the midst of all that we’re alcoholics – we each drink one to 1.5 bottles of wine each night. When I binge, it can be more…
He’s a mellow drunk. He’ll drink his wine, eat one chocolate and go to bed. I, on the other hand, am a mean drunk. After my wine, i will typically find someone to fight with: him, my kids, my siblings, friends, workmates, TV call in shows – anyone.
I’ve managed to hurt and embarrass myself, the kids, the families, the friends. Again, I’m blessed because they keep forgiving me. But I must stop. I must stop for them and I must stop for me. I’m squandering all the blessings I’ve been given. I feel like I’m just throwing those back in God’s face and I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose it all.
I went to one AA meeting and when I introduced myself, I summed it up this way: if I were to draw a line on page and put all those things I’m glad for one one side and all the things I regret on the other, every single regret is somehow associated with wine, every single one…
I’m glad I found your site and am going to continue to follow and read. Thank you for helping people like us.
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I was reading through all the posts and yours struck a nerve with me. I too can be a nasty drunk. I have said things that if my husband had said them to me I would have kicked him out. I am wondering how you are going now as this post was 2018 and it was your day 1
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Well, Three year later here I am. I’m going to try this again. I’m going to quit AGAIN. This time is different, I’ve come the realization that if I don’t drinking am going to die. I was sober for 6 month and it was the happiest, productive, calmest months of my life. I started back up with a beer one Saturday. Then I convinced myself that gee I finally have this under control. I can drink socially without getting blacked out drunk. Well of course that was short lived. A year later, I had some emotional things happen (divorce, Best friend and father dyeing) so of course I now had an excuse to be Drunk. It’s funny how we use any excuse to destroy our selves. Last Weekend I totally embarrassed myself in front of strangers & close friends , followed by me walking 5 blocks the next Am..Yes AM.. For a bottle of Vodka & a 6 pack. Naturally, called out of work Monday. I’m so sick of the cycle; I have finally got it through my thick head that I CANNOT DRINK! I Refuse to destroy my life anymore that I have already. Alcohol has costed me entirely too much. People, Trust, Promotions, Dignity. Well enough is enough. I have to change the narrative of my life NOW
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Oh Dee, you’ve been through so much. I’m so glad you are ready to get off of the rollercoaster. You’re right, it’s a deadly game. A slow suicide that ruins your life before taking away what’s left. Take back your power, joy and freedom! Get off the Booze and get to work uncovering what’s behind the addiction, what can you change to free yourself into a life that allows you to embrace the happiness you so deserve.
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Dee, I’m swimming in the same lake you are. I recognize everything you say. Would you be willing to partner up and support each other? Best to you, Niels
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3 years sober. I visited this post 3 years ago when I was at my lowest and it spoke to me and helped me push through those first few weeks. I hope anyone else that reads this is doing well on their journey, whether it’s day 1 or day 10000. Thanks Unpickled!
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Thanks Erik and HURRAY for 3 years!!! How do you plan to mark the milestone?
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Actually, I didn’t make too big of a deal out of it. I have a reminder on my calendar for it. It popped up on my computer while at work and I had actually forgotten about it. That’s the fist time that has happened. For year 1 and year 2 anniversaries I was counting down the days. But for this year it just happened and it wasn’t 1st thing on my mind. For the first year or so I probably thought about alcohol every day. Not because I wanted it, but because I would be in a situation that I wasn’t used to being in sober. So I would be reminded of how I was doing that thing while a little tipsy. I would be constantly reminded as I drove by the turn to the liquor store. But something happened in the last year that has made me not think of that stuff. I still define myself as someone who beat alcohol, but I don’t think of that every day anymore. I guess that’s a good thing. I’m able to just live now.
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Someone I love very much has need of your blog.
I’ve been searching for a place where my wife can go to share and learn, for support and kindness, and to come to believe in herself enough to seriously tackle the task of getting alcohol free.
As I write this, she is in bed essentially unconscious, after a trip to the car wash which started the evening, then two more not-so-secret trips to the car bar (car trunk), ostensibly to take out the trash, which finished it off. It’s 2:25 in the morning, and I’ve got a stack of printed material about a quarter inch thick (and probably empty ink cartridges to boot), all of which I’ve read, and your blog seems to me to be a very good one. I will try with all my wits to get her to visit with you here. I think perhaps she is finally ready.
I
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I would love to help her, when she is ready to reach out. I also encourage you to look into support and information for family members of people with addiction, so that you can learn how to look after yourself and understand what you can and can’t expect during this process. Checkout alanon.org for reference material. It is very kind and loving of you to look into information to help her, however alcohol has a way of twisting our thinking and making it all seem normal and fine. It can be very frustrating for other people who expect us to be our normal, rational selves. Addiction can fight hard to stay, and it can be very tricky.
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Day one.
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Sending you strength and encouragement. Be good to yourself.
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I woke up this morning to the words, honey you’re too classy to be getting drunk and sloppy and passing out in the chair every other night. To which I reply, “come on now, it’s not every other night”…and “you’re right, I am too classy”….then he says, “then why do you do it”…..silence. I also woke up to your comment on my “unpickled” email for new comments.
If you can get to the “why” then at least for me, I can understand what I’m doing and take steps to stop drinking all together. Clearly I am using it as a coping action to deal with personal situations. Now, I do love and crave a crisp Chardonnay, but what taste buds are left after an bottle and a half, seriously. I feel like crap the next day — all day. I am bloated and dizzy and my beautiful green eyes are swollen and red. And lately I cringe while reading my texts from the night before hoping I didn’t get too “honest” with my friends that actually answered. I’m a sentimental drunk…and I have alot on my mind these days that I hold in. Some good, some inevitable, some disappointing.
Your wife is suffering. Try your best not to judge her, questions her or voice your disappointment. Listen to her, let her tell you what is bothering her in the moment she decides to take that first sip. Everyone who drinks too much has a trigger….a time of day that is stressful, a person who triggers them or an event or thought….ask her what hers is and then do what you can to change that. For me it’s 5:00-8:00pm….daily….I’m bored, lonely, waiting for my husband to get home…then when he does, he is on the phone for hours, then the bathroom, then the shower, then a book…all while cheerfully sipping one or two cold beers and then he stops. Our life is all about him these days…..we’re retired, financially set, and he seems to have full control over himself and is very self motivated. I am motivated by “others”….which is impossible with someone who acts as if they only thing they need you for is dinner, a clean shirt, shave their hairy back and be a dazzling date on cue.
But that is my story……….good luck and I wish you and your wife the very best result.
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So much wisdom in your words. It sounds like you could use some connections to help support you in changing this. If you message me via my UnPickled or Bubble Hour pages on Facebook I can tell you how to find an online group that might be just what you need.
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This is me. Every single part. No one knows my secret, not even my husband. That is my biggest shame, we have such a great marriage and I can’t share this secret with him. I’m ashamed and he would be so hurt to know I didn’t go to him. He thinks I only drink on the weekends but its every day. I’ve quit 5 times after reading This Naked Mind and Allen Carr’s Easy Way and a few others. Then for whatever reason I’ll break down and have wine and before long I’m back to my daily bottles of wine. I buy the Bota box mini’s because they are easier to hide than glass. I rotate liquor stores because I’m embarrassed. I only buy just enough for each night because its the last time.
I am what you would call high functioning I guess. I wake up, get my daughter ready for preschool get myself to work and bust my butt all day to be a model employee at a fast pace construction office. I’m a leader in my group. I exercise on my lunch break and after work pick up my daughter. We eat a healthy dinner together as a family. Then I begin taking sips of wine secretly till its time for bed. I fall asleep easily but wake up around 3am vowing never again.
Today is day 1 for me. This is the 3rd time this year it’s been day 1 but damn it I’m going to do it. It makes no sense for me to give my life to alcohol when I have an AMAZING family to live for.
I’m so glad I found this blog today when I needed it the most.
Heather
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Hi——this sounds so similar to my style….my day one was yesterday and I struggled all the way home deciding what I was going to do today but I knew there was a half bottle of wine left over on the counter and I knew I was going to drink it! So I’m one sip in….Ugh it’s so frustrating but ya, like I said, your situation sounds similar…..I wake up every morning at 5:30….go workout three of those days and go to work the others (minus weekends). I work, then come home to my beautiful kids and my amazing husband but I love my wine and vodka/la croixs!
How are you doing now, Heather? Any tips?
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This a wonderful post that resonates strongly with me. I tick all those boxes and the real thumper was the hiding of wine bottles from my husband. I have put on so much weight in 15 years, am tired and sick of not seizing the day. So it’s my day 1 today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your generous and illuminating blog. X
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Beautiful – so glad you’re here. Check in lots and let us know how you’re doing. Big hug. Sober with you tonight!
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I’m doing great Jean. I think the penny has finally dropped. I have been listening as much as I can to the bubble hour podcasts and they are life changing for me. Before I knew I had to be AF but didn’t want to deep down. Now I want that freedom.
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Stark frau Toll !!!!Strong woman Great !!!!
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I’m someone who comes from a long line of alcoholics and drank excessively most of my adult life. I quit cold turkey in 2015 with no problems using Allen Carr’s “EasyWay” method. I gradually started back up again, mainly from peer pressure from everyone from friends right down to my wife who felt awkward when we’d go out with friends and I was the only one not drinking.
Fast forward to today – I’ve gone through the EasyWay book again and yesterday I had zero drinks mostly because the time change really messes with me and I slept about 14 hours. However, I’m also experiencing the highest stress point of my entire life. I’m concerned that staying abstinent vs. tapering gradually will just worsen my already unbearable anxiety. It’s a decision I have to make today since the house is very well stocked with beer wine and booze and I’ve gotten used to reaching for a cold one the same way someone might pop a xanax, to relieve the immediate and unbearable anxiety symptoms. I’m curious to get your thoughts on the two schools of thought: The EasyWay, Allen Carr method which says to quit cold turkey (and amazingly I had no withdrawal symptoms when I did that three years ago, but I also had no stress), and vs. the “HAMS” method of tapering. It almost seems that going cold turkey during this time of extreme stress will just leave me completely paralyzed with anxiety.
I appreciate your article and for educating people on the dangers and harm of alcohol.
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Hi, thanks for your thoughtful post. My personal, layman’s opinion is that abstinence is preferable to moderation or harm reduction, however if a person does choose to try and go the later route I would suggest having some kind of program or supervision. That said, quitting cold turkey can have deadly complications for very heavy drinkers so they should also be medically supervised. Speaking only from my own experience, having none is easier than having some. It sounds like you could really use some support – are you connected with other sober people who could help you through the rough times? Have you talked to your doctor about your anxiety?
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This is me, every single point is me. I don’t know what to do.
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Hi Dana, I’m glad you’re here. Please know that you’re not alone. This place where you are is uncomfortable and scary but you can take charge and change it. If everything you’ve read here rings true than it is likely that you’d be better off living alcohol-free. Is that something you’re ready to consider? Try to think of it as a life of freedom and not deprivation, because I promise it is a much fuller way to live. If you’re trying to quit and just can’t get started, try joining an online forum like hellosundaymorning.org or send me a private message via Facebook and I’ll connect you with a secret recover group there. Listen to my podcast The Bubble Hour http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour to fill your ears with the stories of others like yourself who have been through this and found a way out. You deserve to be happy and free, Dana! If alcohol is taking that away from you then it’s time to take your power back. I’m rooting for you. Comment or message me anytime. Also the other readers of this blog are an incredible source of information and encouragement via their comments. Sending love and strength.
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This was almost a year ago so not sure you’ll receive. I didn’t take control and in the last six months I’ve broken my collar bone and this weekend my foot. My company fired me today. I think it’s Rock Bottom. I’m devastated and so scared. Trying not to drink and have called for some help. I have three kids, I’m so scared. I’ also remembered your kind message from a almost a year ago.
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Ok Dana. It’s go time. The longer we stay in active addiction, the fewer choices we have for making change. All signs are pointing you to your future, to freedom and peace of a life without the demands and betrayals of alcohol. Things can be so much better and that is exactly what you deserve. Reach out for support and then take it. Don’t chicken out. You can do it. We are all cheering for you and you are not alone. If you need help finding resources please send me a message via the UnPickled page on Facebook and I’ll do my best to help you find something.
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DJRUNGIRL@gmail.com
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Yesterday marks one full year of ZERO alcohol after a couple of years of occasional breaks from years and years of regular drinking.
Words cannot explain the increase in self-esteem, productivity, positivity, and overall well-being in the last year. Yes, there are bad days, worse days and terrible days but unlike before I was not hiding behind the crutch of alcohol to face those days. This year, I dealt with them without which in turn developed strength in me to deal with them. It was hard for sure because I had to face rather than run away from the obstacles in life.
Indeed, there were more good days than bad because there was no hangover, no regret, no unnecessary tiredness (physical, mental, spiritual, and most of the days combination of all), no guilt, no shame, just realization of overall improvement in sense of well being. Just the freedom of having no not think of drinking and having to not deal with the consequences was sufficient to lighten up the soul.
I don’t miss alcohol anymore which I did during the first few days and primarily just a couple of weeks. Regular exercise, newly adopted meditation practice, and positive behavior patterns are new routines. Hope I will be back in this forum to write a note of the second year. I never want to go back to the drinking self – that person is worth pity, has no future. There is no comparison between the quality of life I enjoy now after one year of eliminating alcohol and the life before. Alcohol is just not worth it.
If you are reading this and are not always able to stop alcohol after the second drink (even if you have temptation for the third glass, you may have problem – if you have no temptation for the second or the third glass ever, you don’t need to give up), you are far better off quitting it completely. Don’t think so? You dont need to believe me. Just give your self a try. You can go back to drinking anytime if you dont agree but you deserve the trial – even just for 3 months to begin with.
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Love this – thank you for your wise words and congrats on your milestone! Be sure to treat yourself and mark the occasion!
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In trying to quit drinking, I keep a case of beer at all times. Problem is I buy another case everyday
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Hi – please bear with me on this one. It’s a true story but I’ve changed the names to protect those involved.
Years ago I was seeing a guy called *Ian. At first things were great but then he started to control what I ate, when I went out, left me no time to see my friends and insisted I stayed off work to see him. He made me do things that I wasn’t comfortable with sexually but it got to the point where I was anxious and unhappy if he didn’t come around. He took away my self esteem – forever telling me that I wasn’t good enough. I was fat, unlovable and had zero talent. I stopped eating. Stopped going out and became a recluse unable to face people, virtually penniless. Friends and family warned me about him but I refused to listen.
When I decided to see sense and finally quit Ian I met *David. He was kind, gentle, interested in what I had to say and told me that I was a beautiful person, inside and out. He encouraged my artwork and we took long walks together. We cooked together and slowly I began to regain my appetite and learned to laugh again. My family and friends love him and say that he’s the best thing that ever came into my life. I’m so happy.
My point? Ian equalled my severe alcohol abuse and David is akin to my sobriety. Anytime I think of Ian/alcohol I look at how my life is enriched in so many ways by David/sobriety I find myself wondering why on earth I let the former control me for so many years when a much more fulfilling life was waiting for me. Now, why on earth would I go back to hell when I have heaven on earth.
Thanks for listening – blessings to you all.
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I love this! Yes!!
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Because of your original post above, today I celebrate THREE years sober. People often say, “if I could just help one person….” You helped this one. Thank you. My life is so much better!
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X0X0X0X0X0 >
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I am honoured! Thank you for sharing. Three years is amazing!
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IM sorry to hear that . Our situations are all different but the bottom line is if we don’t make changes we will loose everyone & everything we love or even worst . I made it 100 days then summer came around and I had a beer because I though I could handle it . 6 months later I’ve upgraded to vodka clubs , I’m missed work and pretty much became. I liar . I’m so disgusted with my behavior . Here’s to hoping we can get it together .
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Dear Unpickled,
Your blog speaks directly to me. Are your attempts still successful?
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Hi Stubborn, thanks for stopping by. Yes, I have 6 1/2 years of freedom from alcohol now – I have had a drink since starting this blog and I can tell you life is much better without being shackled to a box of wine!
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Wow, this blog has been so very helpful to read! I started reading yesterday. Today is Day 1 for me. My story is very similar to others I read here. Drinking since I was 14, in the last four years or so it has really increased. Had some very hard times having to do with my children and that started it. Then I dated an alcoholic and that did not help. And now I am up to about two bottles a night. I live alone and I am SO sick of waking up and realizing the humiliating things I have done. Called the old boyfriend, who is very bad for me…bumps on my head from falling, bruises. And my face is so bloated…I am very excited to end this. I am usually a very happy, healthy person in all other ways. I know this will change my life dramatically. I just need to stick with it for this first hard week. Glad this is here and I hope you all are doing well.
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Bottom line, I’m getting pretty scared….what’s it going to take for me to stop drinking?? Legal trouble, rehab stint, totaled cars, alienation from family. A few weeks ago I fell during a blackout and have no idea how I got a softball-sized bruise on my thigh. My husband travels a lot for work and with no kids in the house any longer, I can drink as much as I want. Drinking leaves me feeling as lonely as I can ever remember. How in the world did I end up with this kind of messed up life!
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Hi Scaredy Cat, you’re not alone. This happens to a lot of us, probably because society keeps telling us wine is a great solution — it’s not. It’s addictive. You though you found something that was working for you only to realize not its not. Addiction isn’t your fault – it’s the normal outcome for using something addictive. We know this about cigarettes and drugs but somehow we expect alcohol to be exempt. But now you know, now you see it and so recovery now becomes your responsibility. Now is a great time to stop, before you get hurt even worse or lose the things that matter to you. Help is available. Life is GREAT without alcohol, I promise, but it does take effort to change. You are worth it.
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Thank you for your prompt reply. It is reading about these fantastic lives people are leading without alcohol in them, that give me such encouragement. I started drinking to excess about fourteen years ago to deal with a divorce…almost in a punishing manner. But, yes I have many people in my life who love me…and would also tell me I’m worth it. Thank you again.
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I have been an irregularly irregular follower of your blogs since 2014/2015 which probably is around the first time I thought seriously about giving up alcohol for long-term. Did that, but decided to restart due to tempting social situations – that happened couple of times.
Now, this time its 190 days booze free which is over 6 months so sharing. I was a high functioning (mostly) but a daily drinker (anywhere between 4 to N drinks) with frequent black-outs. First couple of weeks was hard physically then it was hard psychologically – psycho part still happens on/off but just in thought not action.
Situations don’t tempt me anymore because I have recognized fully that it all lies in your head – situations can never persuade you, it is your own thinking that compels you to drink. It is your own self, your own mind that wants you to drink and you want something to blame on like situations – no one in the whole universe can force you to drink if you are careful about your own. No one can stop you from falling through the crack if you give in to the monster-drunkard-tricky-mind. And, no good can come from making yourself stupid repeatedly with alcohol. You need to first understand that alcohol is only ruining your life in every aspect and the simplest way to stop it is right in front of you and its very easy – just don’t pick up the glass!! Pick something else .. anything .. but not the glass! If you do this every time there is a temptation, you’re cured! Yes, there will be temptations in the beginning but hey, you have been using this drug for a long time, it will take time for the brain to adjust itself… temptation get lesser and lesser with each passing day. Some days might appear a little worse than others but they actually get lesser everyday, overall!
Lessons learned: life is incomparably good without booze, better skin instantly, mood better within few days, productivity better, don’t think now that I would ever go back, read allan carr’s book if you need to (I haven’t read myself but know it will be helpful because I read his smoking book before so know the idea), life doesn’t become fabulous with no pain – you will still have ups and downs of life but you will be in a better position to deal it better and develop real skills to deal with it rather than blow up your mind so it can’t think temporarily. Life is so so so better without. I have found new passions and am starting to get to understand the real me (which was hidden deep under alcohol for years) and loving new me more everyday. Life is really good without booze. This is the worst curse to human civilization. Much more than the illegal drugs.
Hope to post again at 365 days!
Good luck to all that plan to quit.
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There is an AA saying about being sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. That, and the belief I could have accomplished more than I had up to then simply made me say I had had enough of this BS.
I then drank 5 times in 3 years, with the longest gap being 9 months. Each time was a real bender, including one true blackout. I got no enjoyment from the drinking at all. So I stopped. I didn’t actually quit, I just stopped. I just realized that was a little more than exactly 10 years ago. Was it easy? Yeah, it was. Don’t know why, can’t say how, but drinking holds no attraction for me at all. No temptation, no white knuckles. I would not drink now for any money. I go to restaurants, bars, cocktail parties, etc. with no discomfort at all.
I am very sceptical of the whole recovery industry, and very grateful they never got a dime of my or any insurance company’s money. After 10 years, it was that fact that prompted me to surf the web and find this site. As an aside, I do not include AA in the industry, and have no problem with those who get their needs met through AA.
So, from my experience, I would say wise up, grow up and shape up. Don’ t make excuses or play the victim. Don’t let others make excuses for you, like you’re sick, you’re screwed up in the head, or that you need to live your life according to our instructions. You know the problem is drinking and the solution is not drinking. Handle it.
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Hi Syncopator, thanks for visiting my site. I can see how your experience led to your “tough love” approach and rejection of the recovery mindset, but I have to tell you that others experience addiction differently and that if you were able to just stop without even realizing it, you are a very lucky soul. The drinking pattern itself can dictate the recovery obstacles – it sounds like you were a binge drinker, which is one common pattern, others are daily drinkers, maintenance drinkers. The latter become physically addicted and quitting involves withdrawal in a way you may not have experienced. What feels like strong daily cravings are really withdrawal, the body saying “hurry up, I need more or things are gonna get bad”. The other factor is that problematic drinking is often the result of coping with some kind of trauma or inner pain that is buried deep and needs to be tenderly revealed and healed. This is the aim of programs like AA, SMART Recovery, Refuge Recovery, etc seek to assist with in addition to supporting abstinence. So the solution goes even further than just not drinking, it involves truly changing so you no longer *need* to numb out.
I do agree that there are some opportunists in the rehab industry, but many are good, healing, helpful places that help people get their lives back.
You sound like a very strong person who has been able to muscle through and triumph over alcohol, and I celebrate your victory. I also encourage you now to turn your attention to understanding others who experience addiction and recovery differently. You’ll be amazed what you learn! Please check out my podcast, The Bubble Hour http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour to hear hundreds of stories from others who have successfully quit. I’d love to hear your feedback!
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Hi. A little surprising, but nice of you to reply. I was a daily drinker, and always to get drunk. I would stop periodically for your basic 3 day detox because I would wear out, and I could feel my body needing a break. I believe this was beneficial in avoiding physical problems, but that was not my thinking at the time.
I said to recognize the problem and handle it That is by any means necessary, and I do not wish to criticize or judge what methods work for anybody else. When I had had enough, however, my desire not to want to live like I was living was from deep in my soul and completely sincere, and I knew it was up to me, not anyone else. I think that needs to be true for anybody.
Nor do I wish to minimize those who have traumas and the like that need to be addressed before they can truly not want to drink. I am out of my depth there.
I will also concede that I engaged in 3 years of “practice” in which I made occasional tests to see if I could just drink normally. Not so much out of a desire to drink per se, but to see if I could handle it. These failures were very, very reinforcing. Not only do I not want to drink, the very idea of doing so seems ludicrous.
I have taken up enough of your time, thanks.
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Wow- just catching up on different posts in your blog and scary how many of the red flags apply to me. I’m just starting on a journey to reduce and control alcohol but I now wonder whether I am just fooling myself and that I may have to face the uncomfortable truth that abstinence is only way to truly move forward.
Jim
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Hey Jim, I know everyone’s situation is different, but when you’ve come to the realization there’s a problem, just cutting back is almost never the answer. Ask yourself, why is abstinence an ‘uncomfortable truth’? Try to look at it as a blessing. Two years ago, after several attempts to cut back, I made the decision to quit. And as I look back on it, I can’t believe I ever thought that made me a weak person, or that it was something to be ashamed of. I did at first. But now it’s something I wear as a badge of honor. I don’t shame anyone that drinks, but I do feel pity for those that I know have a problem and pray that they someday make the same realization you are coming to and quit before it’s too late. God speed with whatever decision you make. But know that the support you get from this blog will always be to quit.
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Erik, thank you for your thoughts and I now know this to be true. I am a weekend drinker, 3 of 4 days. It’s binge drinking. I moderate sometimes, quit for several weeks but then ultimately resume. I had the most scary experience today, which cements this conclusion. I got pulled over for erratic driving. Someone called me in. I had been drinking. Did the field sobriety test, passed it, but they did not believe my story. Finally let me go. But I was scared s#%?less. This scenario was only a matter of time. How many warnings do we get before we finally come to our senses!!! Alcohol is bad drug for those who are sensitive/addicted to it.
I am now not a drinker. It has to be this way. I know this will be hard. But I hope the reinforcement from people who have walked this path, and are still walking it will keep me going on this necessary path. I have my own work to do, but when my resolve falters I will ask for help.jim, you’re situation may be different than mine. But I know I’ve been playing with fire and it is ow time to put it out
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Hey Jim. Erik is right, I’m a big supporter of abstinence-based recovery for addiction. The question is: are you experiencing addiction? Moderation is a good litmus test for addiction, rather than a solution. Try it, it will give you your answer. Believe the sanders you get and don’t keep retaking the test hoping for a different outcome. If you can’t moderate, quit. If you’re on the fence quit. Alcohol is terrible for our health, it’s a carcinogen and belongs in the same category as cigarettes, tanning beds, and artificial sweeteners. You’re better off without any for the sake of health and wellness. Having received literally thousands of emails from people in various stages of recovery I’m convinced that, for people with addiction, moderation not only leaves people miserable but also makes it harder to achieve successful sobriety and freedom from alcohol. That said, if you try moderation and it works out well, you’ll know you successful saw the warning signs and took action before the brain changes associated with addiction came to fruition, and that is good news!
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You’re not alone in that, I tick all the boxes. I hate the daily anxiety, feeling like crap, making up my mind not to drink that day. I stayed sober for about 9 months, then bowed to peer pressure and drank socially for a long time.
But, it bites you on the arse in the end, for me it was a long period of time off work due to illness, too easy to sit and drink when I didn’t have my daily job routine.
The truth is, every alcoholic prays and hopes to be able to drink in moderation. The fact is, we can’t drink normally, our brains are allergic to the stuff. First drink is the one that gets you drunk etc. It’s a crafty and insidious disease that’ll trip you up every time.
Erik makes a firm case for this.
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Here we go again. I had a 5 year sober run in my 20’s, by 30 going through a divorce, I started drinking again. I have basically been intoxicated for 13 years since. A wine drinker mostly and on occasion spirits. A few weeks ago I needed to go on a special diet for my skin (candida, which really feeds into alcohol cravings btw) which meant zero sugar aka alcohol included. I went right off it, pretty easily, started to feel better, sleep better right away, had loads of energy and was loosing bloat and belly weight. This went on for 2 weeks, with the help of some anti-fungals, I believe I straightened out the Candida right away as my skin cleared right up. Also, major side note, I broke my ankle last month due to a drunken blackout fall, then 2 days later fell again and hit my head on the floor. Hello! Even with ALL of that happening, becoming a physical mess, I decide 2 weeks was long enough to wait and the cast had come off my ankle and I was feeling foot loose and fancy free. I went out for a fun night on the town and ended up so blackout wasted (martinis and wine) no recollection of how I got home, and the next way one of the worst hangovers in history. I am seriously just over this! It’s ridiculous and I’m not seeing much of an upside. It just doesn’t seem like its worth the toll. Same reason I don’t do blow…your whole next day is shot. Why do I want to do that to myself? Day 3
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Oh man, you must be exhausted. Life without alcohol is SO much easier and you will look and feel younger and healthier, too! I’m glad you’re here. Thanks for sharing you story.
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Yeah I haven’t been drinking on work nights but had a rough day at work yesterday and being an alcoholic of course I had a strong urge to drink. I woke up and drove to work but my eyes were so bloodshot and I didn’t have eye drops I couldn’t bring myself to go in and have everyone know I must have got drunk last night. And yes the guilt is the worst part. Thanks for your support and best of luck to you.
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Hi Travis here. Trying once again to quit drinking. Came to this site about 6 years ago and I quit for two months. Today I find myself home cause I was too hungover to go into work. I think its time to give this another shot
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Hi Travis,
I know the feeling. Where I try to save my drinking for Friday nights I tend to slip up during the week and drink bc I have this over whelming urge. I tell myself I will go to work but I end up staying up way too late and still being awake a few hours before I have to get up for work or drink too much where I am extremely hung over. It’s a horrible feeling calling out and the guilt is over whelming. I am trying not to drink at all even on Friday’s and this week I have made it.
Don’t beat yourself up too badly. Everyday is a new chance for a new beginning. You will feel better tomorrow.
Xoxo
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Hi Travis, where are you at today? Don’t let the weekend trip up your efforts to stay alcohol free. No more hangovers! No more regret!!
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Hi Unpickled. I’m on day 3. I identify with all of your red flags, but I’m only 28. I’ve felt incredible shame in being a young adult who has turned to wine to try and numb out the stressors of my busy work life and unnecessarily stressful social life. I took a big step two months ago by moving out of my stressful environment and back to where I grew up, but still leaned on wine to help me through the sadness of moving away from my fast, east coast life. I finally realized that if I’m going to really make this year a year of healthy change, losing weight isn’t enough. I need to tackle the mental blocks as well. Thank you for being candid on your blog and reading through it today has really helped me feel better about what feels like a hard choice! I hope I can get through it with the same grace and humor that you have.
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Hi Kate, go easy on yourself. You’re not alone and you’re smart not to waste your youth on harmful ways. Check out the recent interviews I’ve done on The Bubble Hour http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour to hear other young women like yourself talk about their recovery – Laura Silverman and Taryn Strong are two recent ones your age and I’m about to post a new one with Liv Pennelle as well. You’re not alone! My own dad quit drinking at age 23 and just passed away at 80 have not touched a drop since. It’s a great, empowered choice that you’re making and I applaud you!
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My son quit drinking 6 months ago at age 23. Too young to get your shit together? I think not. I’m 54 and still a drunk.
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Hi, today is 119 days sober for me. For the most part i’m feeling pretty good, but had a stressful weekend. I went to bed pretty stressed out last night.. woke up this morning thinking to myself, my god, what have I done!….I had a dream, I blew my sobriety..well thank god, it was just a dream. I don’t go to AA , I have done this all on my own..I was a daily drinker for 18 years.I really have been having a hard time dealing with stress lately. When I went to bed last night, I have to admit, I wanted to drink, I mean really tie one on! That’s why I shut the lights down, prayed, and went to sleep.I don’t have much support from home, My other half thinks, if I go to an AA meeting, I will be an embarrassment to our family, we live in a small town. For the most part, I really don’t have cravings that much anymore, so I was real surprised at myself on how much I really wanted to drink last night. Thanks for listening.
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Well done – you got through it. Have you thought about therapy as a way to support your recovery? It really helped me dig deeper into what was behind my need for numbing. Today is 120 days for you – that’s 4 months!! Congratulations on this milestone.
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Thank you unpickled….I have thought about therapy… yes 120 day!!!… 4 months!!.. whoop whoop 😊
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Thank you, Unpicked, for having the courage to overcome your addiction and turning it around to help others. I discovered boozefreebrigade about 5 years ago and through that channel began reading your blog. Although I’m sad to see so many struggling as much as I have over several years, the words of encouragement and hope give me strength to get through today and everyday going forward sober. Anxiety, fear, guilt, and doubt have been my reality far too long and I’m hoping my day 1 and 1/2 can turn into years of a new life of sobriety. I truly appreciate having a resource such as this to support and assist in turning my life around.
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I am going to try this journey. I am tired of my life. Tired of the facade. Tired of the hiding. I have done a good job keeping my drinking a secret. My kids don’t know my husband doesn’t know but I do know. I am scared. I enjoy your blog and I hope it can be a resource. Maybe some day I will look for an in person community but I am not ready for that yet
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There’s lots of help online to help you get started, and when you feel ready to connect in real life please know the recovery community can feel like home. It can be a huge help if you find that it’s just too hard on your own, or if you want people to help you celebrate your success – people who *get it*. I wish you joy and freedom – it awaits you on this road. Lots of support and cheerleaders here for you any time. Check out blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour for some great podcast episodes about getting sober too – you’ll hear the voices of others and there’s lots of insights on how to get through various challenges. Big hug. Deep breath. Be gentle with yourself and don’t drink.
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Pretty much the same as you. Drinking a bottle a day , hiding bottles, taking shots here and there.
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Hey thanks for stopping by. Are you still drinking? Or have you made a change?
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I pray you get the help you need for this addiction….I never had anything like that but I did drink for 18 years and now at 46 have quit….it’s been 101 days sober for me now….the bad days do creep up on me occasionally but have managed to keep on going….the struggle is real but kick it to the curb when it rears its ugly head….keep looking forward and don’t look back!..prayers for you.
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Thanks Bobbi, I never had anything like this happen before either. Looking at it, it is a blessing in disguise. I have a strong support group & will do anything to maintain my sobriety. In the past 6 weeks since my incidence, Ive opened up to a lot of people about my addiction, I tell them Im not afraid to say Im an alcoholic, Im afraid to take a drink. Someone at one of the meetings said The devil wants you dead but he’ll take you drunk”
Even in my past 30 yrs. of drinking, I would quit for months at a time with no problem, thats when it would become a problem. Thanks everybody & God Bless All of You !
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Hi, its been awhile since I visited this site. Like a million other times I told myself I could do it on my own. Feb. 16th after a 4 day bender on brandy I was sobering up after missing 3 days of work & dont remember anything until the next morning when I woke up with my tongue chewed up & muscles aching, I had had a seizure from withdrawals. I have been to AA, my Dr. & Brighton Hospital, the local rehab hospital. It scared me so bad & I pray that this was my bottom. I want more then anything to to stay sober, drinking cant be an option for me anymore. When you have seizures, you dont get a lot of 2nd chances. The good thing is I feel like something in me broke and my outlook is good, I believe it was the divine intervention I was asking God for for years. I will keep you all in my prayers. God Bless
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im 95 days sober today….so happy I’m here and sober…..had a problem sleeping awhile back but that’s changing slowly… starting back to school on Tuesday….I’m nervous but excited…it’s been 30 years for me so hopefully I will do okay…I have done this with no AA meetings or anything….I do have some support from home but I truly think everyone one is tired of hearing about my sobriety and such… I keep a journal so that seems to help…but I would love to talk to someone who can relate with what I have been going through..it is a lonely walk..
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Congratulations on Day 95! Your instincts are right, making connections with other sober people is fulfilling and exciting. Some people go to AA just to meet other sober friends, which is a perfectly valid reason to go. There are some good online groups too http://www.unpickledblog.com/resources
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Thank you unpickled…I will check into that😊
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I truly don’t know where to begin, but I guess my start should be that I am an alcoholic, I have been to rehab, stopped for 8 months, then thought, I could be someone that could have a drink, nope not me, ended up in the trauma unit for over a week, because, trying to mask the alcohol I drank a lot of water, and ended up with hyponatremia (To much water), all of my organs were shutting down, This was last August, been sober until 3 weeks ago when life slapped me in the face… I will never go back to rehab, it did not help much, maybe just not for me, but I would truly love to interact with others that are struggling, because, I am going to make sure that tomorrow is my new start date. Love & Hugs!
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I too once drank too much water and ended up in the ER with “water intoxication” because of drinking. Not a fun situation at all. You can do it and try to stay positive!
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Thank You Tim, I honestly did not even realize it was happening, I thank the man up above for saving me, but now I have to make sure that I can get sober again, this roller coaster ride has to end…
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Very Happy That I Found this site, I hope everyone overcomes this disease, I am not one to talk about it, and felt kind of ashamed for posting, But just remember that Everything works out, I have been sober for 2 years at a time, 8 months, 11 months, my problem is when life throws me a curve ball, this time, I am not going to let it control me, I will take control… Take Care Everyone, I am going to bow out from this site. Thanks So Much! Take It One Day At A Time!
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Hi, I have been keeping track of this blog for at least 6 months now. I felt I was developing a problem with drinking wine. I would drink 1-2 glasses of wine per night.The nights I would drink wine I would start fighting with my husband about dumb stuff. I just become irritated with him. The next day I would feel anxious and depressed.So I made a decision to quit drinking!I was so fed up with it! I am on day 37. I will say I do feel better. I believe the wine was the cause of my anxiety and depression. My husband and I have not had any fights since.I have notice I feel happy now too. It’s worth quitting even if you don’t drink a lot of alcohol.
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I am 6 days sober. I have been in the pre contemplation phase for years. I think I have always known that I had a problem with alcohol, but never wanted to give it up. I look back over decades of bad decisions, usually with alcohol giving me “liquid courage” to cover up, I guess, underlying feelings of insecurity/inferiority. I have had enough insight to know that when drinking at home, alone, that when my husband comes home that I am best not to discuss issues that are bothering me in the relationship. That is a positive. But the negative, of course, is that because I am not sober, I cannot discuss issues that are bothering me in the relationship. At least I am smart enough to never get behind the wheel of a car. Then again, I have often, while drinking alone, wondered how the heck I would be able to handle an emergency if something happened that required my presence. I would have to get an uber for goodness sakes!
What scared the hell out of me though, and has started me on this journey, was what happened last week. I was on a cruise with the 2 women I consider to be my best friends and anchors in my life. I thought we were having a great time. Yet, one night, while I was sitting at the piano bar, they came to get me. They were furious. They told me that I told others that they had “dumped me,” and that this was not the first time it had happened on a trip. I did not remember saying this at all. It was a hard discussion, and escalated poorly, as we had all been drinking. I tried to take responsibility. Even if I don’t remember saying it, they have no reason to lie. That means that I said it. It is my fault. I chose to drink. Not remembering is not an excuse. It hurt, a lot, hearing a litany of things that I had apparently done in the past. That part I did not take as well and went into defensive mode. We decided to go to sleep and discuss the next day. We processed, to a point, the next day, and I thought things were better. But now we are home (they live in different cities than me) and the contact is not the same. I have come to learn that at least one is still processing everything and not ready to talk. I, too, am processing. Since home I have done nothing but read blogs, AA literature, think about why I drink, when I drink, etc. I am scared of where my drinking may lead, and what it may cost me if I don’t get a handle on it.
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Hey….I’m 58 days today I do have a question ..I feel good but am still very tired… suffering some insomnia … I’m taking a multi vitamin and a b complex and have been walking a couple miles a day….how long does this last??…. thank you
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Insomnia sucks, I’m sorry to hear you’re not getting sleep. Maybe it’s unrelated, an underlying problem that was masked by your previous alcohol use, and should be checked by your dr (although careful with looking to sleeping pills as a solution, that could be dangerous territory). I find that without booze in my system, chamomile tea and magnesium supplements before bed knock me out. I could have never imagined that would be the case because I relied on wine for sleep previously and how does a cup of tea and some supplements compare to a bottle of wine? But for me it is better. I hope it resolves soon you for. You’re doing a great thing and tomorrow will be 60 DAYS! How will you celebrate? That’s a big deal!
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Exercise and meditation have worked for me. Everybody is different though. I think the key is to make sure you go to bed with a clear mind.
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Thank you……I’ve been walking but have slacked the last couple days……gotta get back into the grove tho
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Thank you….I’ll try the tea and magnesium…… well I’m middle aged so maybe that whole hormonal balance thing is off for me as well…….not sure yet what I’ll do for myself….but I can assure you it won’t involve alcohol……thanks for the encouragement 😊
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Yesterday we delivered girl scout cookies and I was hammered. My husband told me that I was an embarrassment and that I embarrassed myself and our daughter. He is right. We live here. I see these people everyday and I did something so stupid. It’s time. It stops today and I hope by commenting on this, it stays.
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Be gentle with yourself and know that things can be different. You can’t change what happened but you can change what happens next. Put on your headphones and listen to The Bubble Hour (www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour) and have all the ice cream and chocolate you need.
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Thank you for your red flag list. I recognize every one in my own life. I, too, haven’t hit rock bottom, but I know it’s time to make some changes because I am headed there.
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I stumbled across this post today and wanted to thank everyone for sharing and congratulate those who have the courage to stand up to their addiction. I have been sober for just over 9 years now and it is not always easy. There was a point in my life where I always wanted to “get drunk” but it is important to realize that there is a lot more to life than drinking – and I mean a lot!!
If you’re ever feeling the urge to drink, an exercise that I practice that helps, is to create a gratitude list… just think about everything in life you’re grateful for. And then, when you are tempted to drink, pull out your list of things you are grateful for, to remind yourself of everything positive in your life (and they don’t include alcohol!!)
Keep up the good work and reach out if you ever need to talk!!
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Hello…..I’m 39 days sober…I have had many day 1’s but this last time was different for me…I no longer question why they can drink and I can’t….I feel very impowerd the longer I’m sober….I feel good….no more hangovers…I sleep great….although I did have a hard time the last couple days… it’s stress related….but I know that I never want a day 1 again…I find it hard now cuz alcohol used to numb the feelings….now it’s total raw emotion for me…and learning to not self medicate to ease the blow of whatever life wants to throw at me has been hard but I’m pushing through…..thanks for listening everyone.
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Thanks for posting and congrats on so many sober days! Not sure about you, but I went off my Ativan before I quit drinking. I had been on it for 18 months. Even though the withdrawal wasn’t fun, I found it was easier for me to not drink after I went off it. Something about finding the strength to discard one crutch is helping me to discard the other.
My point is, the anxiety is tough and it can really rear it’s ugly head. Keep up the fight, you have so much to be proud of.
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I wanted to stop by here and thank you for your post. I came across it last week and I identified with so much of it. I had just dumped out a mostly full bottle of liquor before going to work. At lunch I sat in a parking lot and read your post among others.
I am 4 years into an alcoholic binge. I have been going through 1.75L bottle of Vlad vodka(my favorite whiskey was getting too expensive) a week. That is on top of the social drinking or having a beer with dinner. I’ve been about as high functioning as about person can be. I have been promoted twice and been a person my company has leaned on. I’ve made new friends and moved with my wife. But the creeping dread has been behind my eyes.
A friend of a friend died of end stage Alcoholism and no one knew he drank too much, not even his wife. That, and the handful of blackouts over the last year, plus that growing sense of despair were compounding I’m medical and when the ache in the area of my liver started I knew it was not a good sign. I bargained to quit drinking in secret and only drink with others and after going on vacation I wound back up where I started. The pain came back and after a month of being back where I was I decided it was time to change again.
I am 8 days into having no liquor. I have never had an issue with beer and typically have 1 or 2. Has anyone else had success with cutting out only their problem beverage?
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I was once exactly where you are. No job issues, large vodka per week, liver pain. thinking I could just cut back. Tried, failed. The problem is alcohol. All of it. The ‘problem beverage’ is alcohol. All of it. Beer included. you’ll end up compensating somehow to get that fix. Sorry if I sound unsupportive, I truly wish you the best if you decide to try to just cut out the vodka, but so many people try and end up going back even stronger. I did several times. No one on here will agree that you just ‘cut out the problem beverage’ so don’t expect much support for that. I’m now 19 months into being completely sober. I actually have entire days where I don’t even think about alcohol. On days that I do I’m only reminded of the stupid things I did to hide it from my family and work. So thinking about it isn’t necessarily bad as it’s a reminder to keep away. I had several different routes home planned because I would stop at different liquor stores so I never became a frequent customer at one of them. Holy cow, I was actually so ashamed of my habit I didn’t want the liquor store owner’s to know. I was a mess.
Anyway, just stop. All of it. You have all the signs of alcoholism and your life is at stake here. Go online and take one of those ‘am I an alcoholic’ quizes and it will tell you the same. Seek professional help if you think you need it. come out to your family. Don’t wait until you hit rock bottom. Something bad will happen. You’ll lose your job, or your family and friends. Is it worth it just so you can keep drinking beer? Do you actually get satisfaction from drinking or has that part of it gone bye bye and now it’s just something you need to get through the day.
If you are considering quitting completely, be careful. You sound like a daily drinker and quitting cold turkey can lead to some very serious health complications. Do what my friend did and go to a treatment center that can help you during the first days of quitting.
Best of luck and I hope to hear your come back on here with your story of success.
Erik
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Erik(which has the meaning, “The evil king” – I’m sure that doesn’t apply here), thank you so much for the thoughtful reply.
I have put off giving a response because I… I am not sure why. I read it shortly after you responded. And I have thought about it. It does mean something to me to post such honost words and have someone respond back with candor. I hate to disappoint anyone. I thought about just lying and saying, “You’re right. I’m off it all. I’m done.” But, I suppose that is one of my issues that has caused me to drink.
I am 11 days in. It hasn’t really been as hard as I thought. No withdrawals, no mood swings, I certainly feel better. I am aware that because it is easy today, that it won’t necessarily be easy tomorrow. The years can be long and the weddings and parties are not here yet.
But, I can tell you one thing for sure. I will stick with the course I have chosen. I am in a better place in my life. I have come to terms with losing my father to cancer, a drinker that I barely knew since I was a child. My job has stabilized and the financial problems are under control. If what I have decided to do doesn’t work, I will take the next step. Just as I did this time. I’m running again and focusing on relationships.
One step at a time.
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This is all great news, one day at a time. I also lost my father too early. He was a daily drinker. Probably drank more than I saw. Alcohol played a role in his death. My wife lost her father to health complications due to alcoholism just 2 years ago. After that I decided to quit. It’s actually been very easy for me for the most part. I’ve had my days, don’t get me wrong. It was actually pretty hard for me at a New Years Eve party that we just went to. Not because I wanted to drink, but because I was around so many people I didn’t know and they were just getting blitzed. We all had our kids there. I was the only adult not drinking. Got stares and strange looks and not many people even talked to me except for a couple good friends and my wife. But that was fine. All I could think of was how these people are getting home… with their kids. Most are from the same neighborhood so maybe some walked, or the drive was very short, but that didn’t make it better in my mind. One guy was so drunk, he picked up his 6 year old boy and tried to play with him and he dropped him on the hardwood floor. Luckily no one hurt. But it was very hard for me to see all of that going on. For the most part though, everyone was having a blast. I was having an ok time, and I suppose at that point if I were drinking I would have been more of the ‘life’ of the party like I used to be. But I was content that I could be around that and still not regret anything. At the end of the night I made it home safe, my wife kissed me and told me she loved me, we took a great family picture with the three kids right at midnight, and I remember all of it. Some days are harder than others, but that means most days are greater than others. You’ve just begun your journey. Let being sober be something that defines who you are. And don’t try to forget about what you did and where you were at when you were at your worst. Use it to make you stronger. Good luck!
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I come here and read posts. I stay sober one or two days then just drink again. I want to want to stop. Lately, my sinuses go wild if I have more then two beers or two glasses of wine. I haven’t had a hang over in ove a week. I too have a pain in y side that Im ignoring. It makes me sad that thinking about quitting and not being able
to takes upmso much of my time and energy. I’ve been including healthier things in my dY such as yoga, meditation, journaling. Im also going to start running agin this used to help with the thoughts and anxiety.
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Hello! Thanks for sharing your story, I know it can sometimes be hard to open up. I saw your last post for being 11 days sober and so I wanted to congratulate you! I have been sober for quit awhile now and I know the struggle you are going through. I would suggest (as Erik said) that you quit drinking completely. When I first wanted to “try” to get sober, I thought I could just cut back or drink certain things and that would be good enough.
But it wasn’t.
You should stop drinking completely. But don’t worry!! It’s not the end of the world! It’s actually, a step towards a better YOU! If you need some help, check out the informational website that I created to help people out: http://www.breakupwithalcohol.com
Also, please feel free to write back. You are not alone and there are so many good people around to help you out.
Keep up the good work and I hope to hear about your progress again soon!
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I’m so scared… Every red flag is mine… but i love the relaxing feeling – but i hate the after rebound stress and anxiety and the only thing to help is a drink… i feel so guilty – i say no – i don’t want to but i think about it all day… I feel i have alot of issues – and when i drink i feel normal. I don’t get sick, but i can drink a bottle of wine or more a night. It just calms me and i want to just enjoy a glass of wine on occasion or just relax and have a drink – not need one! I am in the contemplation stage. I’m not right! I work and have a family and am loved.
I don’t have financial issues. I have always had some mental issues including wanting acceptance and not disappointing others. I have had stress/anxiety and have been on medications before – although not now – except the wine…. not sure what to do – my mind is a mess!
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hi, i can so relate to self medicating anxiety with booze . if you’re looking for inner peace i would recommend (hes not for everyone) eckhart tolle . also doctor andrew saul (i will try and leave a link) the vitamin guy, worked with abram hoffa, who worked with bill wilson (AA founder) he wrote a book called the vitamin cure for alcoholism.
im very much in the same boat, trying to get (perhaps naively) to a place where i could enjoy a couple of beers without it ending in khaos. http://www.doctoryourself.com/alcoholism.html
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hey, one more thing… i got a journal even tho im not the journaling type, scribbled out the title and called it ‘the recovery journal’ . found myself drawing on some pages, pretty cool stuff, and i cant draw for shit . second, order some coconut water and pour it into your favourite wine glass. im drinking mine now . you could maybe use cranberry…. i could’t at the time because my blood sugar was so messed up.
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Well, I’m a little late posting this. I told myself I would revisit this blog every 6 months because this post is something that really helped me at the beginning of my sobriety. I hit my 18 months at the end of December. I realize that’s probably about as annoying to some as when someone asks how old a baby is and the response is something like 43 months. When I hit 2 years I’ll just go to posting every year.
I had mentioned before a friend of mine who was also struggling and who checked himself into rehab. Well, if only that had been the start of the end of his problems. While he has stayed sober (the good news) he also decided he needed to get checked on physically. He had been putting off going to the doctor as many men do, especially those who drink and know they have problems but use alcohol to ignore and forget. Well, he found out he has cancer. Long story short is that this was a huge blow to his anxiety issues, but he’s stayed sober anyway. He’s currently on treatment. One of the cancers was completely removed surgically but the other is the liver (not caused by the alcohol, go figure). The other good news here is had he not quit drinking, I don’t know that he would have gotten to the doctor in time due to ignoring the issues. So quitting quite literally may have saved his life. But his battle is not over. I have two very good friends dealing with cancer right now and some nights I’m overcome with grief for them, but I thank God every day for my health. I can’t say I’ve ever seriously thought about going back to drinking to help me with my minor problem of dealing with my friends’ major problems, but I’m sure this would easily send others back to the bottle.
To everyone on here who is still going strong, keep up the good work. You’ll be challenged in ways you have not imagined, so stay strong. To others that may have returned to drinking, I hope that you come back here and see others that have done the same but are now staying sober. We’ve all quit many times. I can honestly say I’m a completely different person than I was a couple years ago. Sobriety has saved my marriage, my job, and it’s saved my life. I was on a downward spiral that I really only realized once I had fully quit.
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This was very helpful. I decided to quit drinking just a few days ago. I saw myself with EVERY SINGLE statement you made. This is very encouraging!!!! Thank u! I feel SO good about my decision.
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If I were to make a list of reasons to quit, I would just copy and paste yours. And, add the pain in my side, the clogged sinuses, the sneezing attacks once I’ve had one too many…
I’m on the one day off one day on . . . so today would be my one day on. It’s early, I have all day to convince myself it’s ok, when I know darn well that it is not. I’ve been reading through blogs this time because I pretty much know the science. I’ve been to AA and do not want to go again (for some reason I feel I should get sober before I go again.) because once I hear the low bottom drunk talks I convince myself that I’m not “that” and I go right to the liquor store. I hear the stories about the addiction being lifted and I think “yeah cause you’re special and I’m not.” Anyway, you get the idea.
I’ve just discovered all these blogs about quitting so I know I’m not alone. It’s nice to know that quitting can just be a totally private thing.
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I remember that last drink, it so clear and yet so disgusting. It was the day before my daughters wedding. I had a drink and immediately starting throwing up. I could barely walk her down the isle during rehersal and after starting throwing up again.
Lets go back in time.
I was an alcolic, make no mistake. I was trying to hide it from my girl friend for a couple of years. She knew and had confronted me about it. I did the usual denial. I was hiding bottles from her in odd places. Drinking the vodka straight when I got any chance. Taking uncounted empty bottles to the dump, even throwing them out the window while driving to hide the evidence. I thought I had a handle on it. But I knew that deep in my heart I didn’t. I just wanted to die, actually hoping it would happen. I wanted to quit but also didn’t want to quit.
My girlfriend had figured that I needed to get to the bottom of the barrel before I would change.
Now move forward in time.
I had to leave the rehersal party almost right after it started. The smell of alcohol made me throw up. I went back to the hotel, and continued throwing up about three times an hour until I finally asked for an ambulance. I don’t remember the hospital but I remained in ICU for 10 days, almost passed away a couple of times during this time frame. When I came to and asked the doctor what can I do to change this and he said, walking away, back turned “quit drinking”. I made the decision to quit. I didn’t go to AA I just quit. Fear of dying made me quit. For me quitting was easy, made easy because death had been looming over me I was to afraid if death. Its been 20 months now (I know not that long) and I have no desire to drink.
My liver is shot, fibrosis 4/4, cirrhotic with scaring. I don’t think that my doctor believes that I quit but at least I know that I have. My now Girlfriend is my Fiance and she knows to that I quit. I quit smoking the same way, I just walked away from it and never looked back.
Now I take my nutri-shake every morning, my vitamins including B complex. My Fiance has me eating tumeric and alot of beets (she is from Germany and I say that with a smile).
What have I lost.
The chance to walk my daughter down the isle… I never made it as I was clinging to life in ICU.
The chance to live a normal retirement, my golden years (I am 60 heading to 61).
The ability to sleep through the night non-stop.
The sense of not knowing what pain free is like and never will again. Pain is constant.
So… there it is… my past, my future and knowing that the future is far shorter now because of my actions.
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Thank you for sharing. I am glad that you were able to use this difficult experience to motivate your change. Hopefully your body will restore enough to resolve the issue of pain, and the sense of peace and freedom you have in your new approach to live will compensate for the things you cannot change. I am grateful for the reminder of where drinking can take us if we allow it to continue taking over our lives. Many blessings to you.
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I suppose if I’m reading (and googling) drinking issues at this time of day (7am) then I have one myself yes? I think we all know the answer to that.
I am interested though in folks that have the same thoughts and behavior as I do. And though I’m sure many would say “You’ve got all the signs of an alcoholic!”, I honestly don’t feel that way. I was married to an individual that had serious booze issues years back (I didn’t at the time), and personally can’t identify with what they were going through. On my begalf there is no insatiable desire to have to have a drink, hiding bottles, etc. Whether it’s cutting out the sauce to get back in shape, or whatever reason to “Go on the wagon” it honestly has never been an big deal. During those periods I don’t miss nor desire having a pop at all.
What I have found though over time is that binge drinking has become a real issue. And Blackouts are almost the norm. Here’s the thing though…None of these blackouts involve any sort of come to Jesus moment or what addicts would call a bottom out circumstance or concurring behavior. I’m well known
as a “happy drunk” etc but see the storm coming. What I’m feeling more than anything is fear. In that that literally everything I do with pals (and family to a degree) is based around heavy drinking. I have a wine and scotch collection that would make any boozer envious. And once that gets broken into, all bets are off. There’s literally rarely an occasion where I and my company is not getting completely smashed. It’s almost like a running joke to chat about whomever got the most blitzed on whatever occasion. Doesn’t matter whether a vacation or hanging around the kitchen when company comes over, as soon as the cap comes off it can be assured everyone (minus my wife who doesn’t drink much) will be hammered. There has never been a time where I woke up after a bender where I haven’t said “I hate feeling like this, and most folks would be absolutely leg-less” if they drank as much as I did the previous evening. Again, there hasn’t been a DWI or anything particularly egregious that can be accounted to my drinking. But I can see it coming. It’s almost like a storm on the horizon and I’m in a row boat slowly paddling towards it.
Do I want or need to go to a meeting? Some would say yes, but I don’t feel for it. Stopping drinking would and is never the issue. For me it would be more the dealing with the boozing that was/is regularly part of my life. There’s literally not a moment that I can think of socially where there wasn’t heavy drinking involved. And how would it affect my friendships when I would not be getting blasted on these occasions? I have noticed when I’m on the wagon before that I get bored to death in an environment where everyone else is shitfaced and I’m not. It could very well be that my heavy drinking is not only a social pattern that I’ve gotten use to, but is also masking any personal unhappiness that I’m going through.
Appreciate any who read this and might have a “Oh yeah that was definitely me” moment. “Functioning” or “Binger” immediately come to mind, but I know I could easily tootle along until the circumstance comes along that makes me say “Thays it I’m done”. And it just seems to me more and more that I’m working my way towards that.
Have a nice day and thanks again.
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alcohol is a drug . built in to the framework of any drug is that you have to take more of it. if you could stop now you would basically be a comic book hero! meaning,its almost impossible to stop now. for me it had to become so painful that here i am 11 months sober and i still feel hungover most of the time. id recommend “eckhart tolle” for any mental, emotional, spiritual issues . allen carrs book “easy way to…” chk out ” kip c ” on youtube, an AA speaker tape of someone who really hit bottom. good luck to you.
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I can relate to drinking being a part of EVERY occasion. I tried AA and found that I felt like I couldn’t relate to low low bottom stories which gave me wiggle room to avoid looking at my own alcohol misuse. I found a blog called TIred of Thinking about Drinking and it speaks to this very thing. Belle Robertson is really good at talking to people like us and coming up with great solutions to move into sobriety . Also am impressed with Annie Grace’s Yjis Naked Mind. Which speaks to the subconscious lies we’ve been fed about alcohol and then proceeds to ii travel the beliefs we have about drinking and its benefits. This has been hugely helpful to me because it is retracing our subconscious beliefs and sweing alcohol for what it truly is:
Poison. Hope this helps! There is so much online I am sure you will find something . LJ
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I can relate to all above comments,actions,reactions and behaviors. The fact that I have to state that I have a drinking issue upsets me greatly. But the fact is that I do and have had one for a while. For me, there are certain conditions that will cause me to drink too much and those conditions are the exact same each time I over indulge. I’m aware of my pattern, the reasons why I drink too much and exactly what I would have to do to change this. The problem is that it means that after 20 years of marriage, newly married successful children, grandchildren on the way, a beautiful new home and city…all of the things that I wanted in my life would be compromised if I got rid of the problem……which is “my husband”. I never drank, never even thought of alcohol before I met my husband. He is a social drinker, raised with the mentality that “beer” or “drinks” are a way of life, a consideration for every occasion. When I approached my husband with my desire to stop drinking and would he help support this by not drinking as well, at first he said ok but he was unable or unwilling to keep that promise. This angered and disappointed me and I felt helpless. When I decided on my own to quit this drinking behavior that I had developed, I resented him for being able to still “have his fun” and not become addicted like I was beginning to be. I know in my heart that if I left him and got away from his drinking mentality …I could lick this problem and would because I am a strong person and I am beginning to seriously despise him and his friends and all people who cannot attend an occasion and not drink. OMG, what if alcohol was’nt being served at their grandchilds baptism…would they just refuse to go, or would they meet up and drink before, or stop after for a few???!!!! Good God, the world wouldn’t exist for these people. I can definitely without question not drink and not have the desire to drink at these types of occassions…it’s when I get home and I’m alone and bored and feeling helpless that I open up a bottle of wine and drink a lone. I am depressed and I am sad and I am lonely and bored with my life which includes for the most part, my husband. I feel like I have been wasting my life these past 10 years. How do I change myself without leaving my marriage, how do I exist alcohol free in this life where alcohol is such a part of my husbands family and friends lives and not have such resentment????? I am determined not to let this beat me or control me……I know the answer is to leave him, find my better life, do what makes me happy and find someone who makes me happy…..or is there a another way that won’t completely disrupt and tear apart my whole family??? any suggestions?
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I am the wife of a social drinker also. Have not had a drop in over 500 days. In the early days, I was a little resentful of his wine at night. Okay, a lot at first but it would not last but a minute. I would be a little snarky and he would sympathize and then I would get over it. I also hated when I would find myself at the store purchasing everyone’s preferred poison to prepare for guests. That is really the worst for me. But the resentment you feel is the ADDICTION talking, and it gets better fairly shortly. I am so proud to be a nondrinker around my young grandchildren, and you will be too. Look at the first part of your post where you admit you have everything you ever wanted. Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water! I wish you strength and perserverance. Quitting my nightly wine is at once the hardest and easiest thing I ever did.
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Reading between the lines I think there are two distinctly different issues that you are having to contend with here.If you take care of your issues with drink dependency everything else will fall into place.
I had similar issues when I became sober one month shy of two years.My marriage is now stronger but I questioned it when drinking.To repeat,heal yourself and the rest will follow.I read Jason Vale ‘Quit drinking’and it worked.AA meetings for me were too evangelistic-‘and then god came quietly,’did not scan for me.No god would allow the misery I have seen and felt through life,hence the small g.We are animals and the truth is the best work we do as humans is done as a singular experience and that is what you need now,a re-evaluation of your responsibilities to yourself.
My wife does not drink to support me.However if she did I would not resent her, it is not her with a drink problem,it is mine; vis a vis your husband is not to blame for your drink problem.
I hope you get sober because it really is twice the life you ever had with drink.
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Wow. I am really glad to find your blog! I am going on my 4th day of sobriety. It is HARD. I do appreciate reading, and can relate. Yes, I saw lots of red flags for years before I made the decision that I had to quit. I think for me:
1. hiding wine in all types of places, and finding empty wine glasses in places I’d forgotten about
2. spilling wine all over my armchair and not realizing it until the next morning
3. my kids remarking on my drinking (never good)
4. adding up how much per week I was really spending on wine
Amazing how much better I’ve felt in the last four days. Amazing how much I still think about buying that bottle of wine. As they say–one day at a time.
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Ironic that today being 9/11 is the day I have choosen to stop drinking. I almost 2 bottles of wine last night and woke up to being told of things I said and did and dont remember any of it. This is not the first time. Im scared but finally admitted to myself and my family that I need help. I do not like the woman it has made me.
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Hi Shannon. No one wants to be addicted to alcohol, I am certain you had no intention of being in this place you find yourself. But now you know. Now you know and so…recovery is your responsibility, even though the addiction is not your fault. It’s hard at first but the freedom you will find in unhooking from alcohol’s grip is worth all the effort. It’s a great day to start fresh. You’re not alone.
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Your list is my list, to the T! Hearing your story about not having enough wine if your friend had a glass, made me laugh and cry simultaneously because I could totally identify, and it was one of the first time it hit me (like a knife in my gut) that I am an alcoholic…wow, that’s the first time I’ve written those words.
I’m 84 days sober today. Thus far, I’ve been doing this on my own, with help from my husband (a total “normie”, the little bugger!), The Bubble Hour and a couple friends/family. I’ve always identified most with you on TBH, and I just want to say “thank you” for putting your story out there for those of us who need to hear that we’re not the only ones.
I hope you continue to host the podcast and share all of the touching and inspirational stories of your guests.
❤️Tess
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I recognize nearly all of these red flags, from being embarrassed about the bottles in the recycle bin to alternating stores.
I live alone and have been through quite a lot these past few years, and drinking to numb out.
I want to do a lot more reading here and sharing. I’ve been in the contemplation stage too long and it’s becoming a necessity to move forward. Every day when I look at the massive amount of things to be done, at home, clearing out my parents and estranged husbands things to grocery shopping and cleaning, or simply taking better care of myself, I half heartedly try to start somewhere and soon give up. I buy 1/2 pint tell myself that will do, and almost always go get another.
I look forward to coming back to your blog and reading comments and posts.
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I have medical procedures tomorrow, an endoscope to look for esophageal varices, last week had CT scan of my liver. I hope these results come out well and that gives me the strength to stop drinking. I did my usual this afternoon, trying to not go back for more. I guess it wasn’t day 1.
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I see me in most comments. I keep thinking I’ll stop soon. I’ve just drunk a whole bottle of wine tonight, I have a fatty liver also. I want to be around for my grandkids. Want to stop,to lose weight and stay healthy. It’s hard and ongoing.
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Change begins with awareness….and here you are. Time for reflection, planning, and action. You’re not alone. There’s tons of us in the world and we cheer each other on to the better life we each deserve. I’m glad you’re here.
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It’s unfortunate you’re so quick to pass judgement and make assumptions.
I was simply looking for support in my endeavor to get myself back in check and keep it that way. Not a drama spiel. So again, all my best.
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Buh Bye!
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I am on day 10 alcohol free. Been here before and then thought I could have some beers or a glass of wine. The glass of wine turns into a bottle of wine and the couple of beers expands to need to keep the fridge stocked so I don’t run out. I know I cannot control it but have kept trying and failing. I met a man who described his fall over what he called the imaginery line between enjoying a drink and needing a drink. He described his fall over that line and what it had cost him. He is sober a year and says he was just like me before he went over the edge to a very dark place. I don’t want to go there so knowing how he failed and the difficulties he faced in gaining back his life, I just can’t be a social drinker. The occasional drink for me puts me in jeopardy. The beverage companies make it look wonderful and it is for some, just not me and others who have shared their challenges. I wish everyone the best. Like many problems, sometimes repeated failure leads to success. I just can’t keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome.
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Yes, brilliant – that’s it exactly. It is a gift for you to have had this realization. Write it down, keep it close and re read it when you start having craving or those sneaky “I wasn’t so bad, I didn’t really need to quit” thoughts. You now have great motivation, and need to equal it with a plan, action, accountability and support. You’ve got it!
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According to your user name, it seems you have a bird and a dog, so hopefully you are not entirely alone. NOW, PLEASE consider the words of UnPickled. You do not want to court danger to yourself (and also to your animals, if you have them).
If you already have memory blackouts, they are RED FLAGS.
Alcohol is foodless food. In other words, it depends on other foodstuffs to process it. We need B vitamins to metabolize sugar and alcohol is essentially concentrated sugar. When I realized that, coming from a family with diabetes and heart disease, I said I don’t want to go down those paths if I could help it.
It’s really hard to forego the temporary comfort and I still do miss it. However, I have my sights set on the future and I want to live as long as I can. I realize I have to do some work and put some effort in it.
If you can find a local doctor or support group to help that would even be better.
Best wishes, chou-chou
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It’s a Red flag I didn’t ignore. An no bird..Sydney passed a couple years ago. I will absolutely not play a game with myself. It’s black and white. Either I still have control and just didn’t use ithe or I don’t and it’ll be cut immediately. No ifs ands or butts.
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Oh, and it’s not so much it’s a food less food, as it is a BAL spike without prior food & hydration.
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would you please re-phase this . Interested but brain not up to normal par…[guess why ?]
thanks megan
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I can’t seem to find a place I fit into. I don’t drink daily. I binge. Friday night Saturday night, it’s 30 6.1% beers. Can I leave 2 or 4 in the fridge for next weekend? You bet. Do I tell myself I’ll only grab 15 an get some stuff done this weekend? You bet. Does it ever happen? Nope. I’m a 41 year old single woman on an acreage with no people near an friends that are hours away. I work my butt to the point of sheer exhaustion 5 nights a week and somehow manage to tell myself I deserve it. But now I blackout. Every weekend. At home. In the bush. Alone. And I’m scared. I’ve injured myself 3x now without a clue how. This last time almost unable to walk due to a gaping hole in my leg that was filled with mud. Somehow, I have to realize it’s not such a great thing to deserve. ..just hoping to talk..
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I’m glad you posted because your instincts are correct – you do need to get this out there and get help making changes. What you describe is absolutely a problematic pattern and left unchecked could cost you greatly. Mysterious falls have taken many lives. Please don’t let this happen to you. By coincidence or by design, your isolation has created a glaring opportunity for booze to fill the void. I encourage you to do more than just trying to stop stocking the fridge with beer on weekends. Connection and support can take the place of alcohol. Support group are a quick, ready made solution that will welcome you with open arms. Please consider checking out a meeting. It’s Saturday morning. What can you do differently tonight to protect, pamper, and show love to yourself? What needs to change starting right now?
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Thanks. I don’t know why the 2nd 15pack came in. It was 8 or nine on a Friday night then somewhere..it changed. More money made. Isolation. Boredom. Loneliness. It was easy to not feel alone if I was singing an dancing on the deck.. but these complete blackouts have me scared beyond words. ..and beyond a beer..let’s hope. I can’t say when the blackouts started. A month of weekends ago maybe? Waking up to find…yep..I ate something..because there’s a pan dirty. Or with mysterious bumps bruises scrapes an bangs. Like really? I used the gas stove? How did I manage that without remembering? How am I not dead from a fire? Or a fall.. my day 1 will be my Friday. Enough is enough! I’ll do it alone and online. Here seems good.
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Keep reaching out and connecting. For the most interaction, comment on current posts. Look on my resources link (you may have to switch to desktop view if you’re using a tablet or phone) and join an online community life smart recovery or women for sobriety. And know that if you can’t seem to get it on your own, you will need to add something more until you have the level of support
You need. If online alone isn’t enough, look for real life ways to bolster your efforts. Be tenacious. Don’t give up. I’m cheering for you. I’m sending you an email as well.
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Great email, blog, posts and comments. Your truly a strong shoulder standing out for anyone and everyone. You know my plan A and my plan B. Ahh hell..I’ll copy it all. Why not be accountable to more people 🙂 Maybe I’ll get some backlash, but maybe I’ll be one of the lucky few that caught it before it completely caught me. We’ll know in a month if plan A could work or if it’s too tempting. Because if I can’t control a substance, if I have fallen too far down that path, it sure as hell will never control me again. Period.
I appreciate you reaching out. Reading all the posts have really made me think, evaluate and dig deep inside myself. I’ve had 3 blackouts. In the last 3 weekends. I’ve figured out why. A..sleep deprivation. I work nights, home at 7am an if it’s Friday night that I have nowhere to go ..well..it’s miller time. B. I don’t eat a lunch. My breakfast is at 19:00hrs..so a full 12hrs before I have a drink. C. I’m increased my intake during the summer because I can actually be outside in the sun putzing around. ..so I’m awake longer.
I realize hugely 30 in 60hrs is far too much. But I also know I don’t need it. It’s a boredom, restless, Wtf else does one do at 3am when it’s my typical lunchtime?! Can’t be outside ..
So. I’ve come up with a plan. Because I do enjoy a cold one on a hot day or a single ounce of good scotch beside the fire in winter. And I can moderate. I’m just not. I got it in my head somehow that I deserve to have as many as I feel like..I can afford it. And I’m at home. 7 or 8 was never an issue on my typical “Friday night”. 15 a night is an issue. So blatantly..no more 2 cases. There’s no reason for it and it’s only caused negative consequences, injuries, shame and humiliation. I know I can have 7 or 8 and quit an go to bed and get some things done the next day instead of staying up about 24hrs then passing out.
Sunshine is my weakness. Summer. Being outside. But now it’s stopping me from being outside the next day during daylight. Which does me zero good on top of causing damage to my body and mind and happiness.
I know I’m isolated. Always have been. Night shift makes it even more so. Who coffees an has breakfast at 21:00hrs? Or 03:00? Not many. None here I know personally. Coworkers either don’t drive or don’t have same nights off.
So.. in my endeavor to get myself back to an acceptable, healthy normal, I’ll be stopping in to chat outta sheer boredom an loneliness until I find some other things to do. ..hope that’s OK. I figure this will also keep me accountable. Something I’m sure will drive me in the good direction.
It was an entitlement I thought I deserved. Living through all I have. Brain biopsy included. But it’s not a good thing anymore. And if I can’t keep myself at it being only a minimal amount and a good thing.. I’ll be done an wash my hands of it. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I swore I’d never be like her..drunk for days.. an I’m not. But I see that closing in especially being a hereditary disease. And I’m either going to be the strong woman I am and enjoy in moderation once or 2x a month or I will be done with it. I won’t be her.
Sorry…and thx. Man that needed to all come out. I feel stronger. I have a plan A and a plan B an its not just in my head. Just telling someone makes me accountable. Thank you.
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My thoughts on your plan are this: please remember that moderating alcohol has nothing to do with strength for people whose brains have been rewired into an addictive pattern. Hercules could not moderate under those conditions. You have addiction in your genes and you have numerous indicators that addiction is present. It’s most likely that moderation won’t be an option for you, and if that proves to be the case please don’t think that’s because you’re not being strong enough. Because that’s just a lie our addiction whispers so we’ll keep feeding it. “Be stronger this time, try again.” Where your strength might come in handy is in staying off booze altogether. That’s a process that will build strength as you continue, not diminish it. Yah, I know a drink is nice on a hot day. So is lemonade or La Croix, but addiction makes us think that nothing else could ever possibly do. Still….it’s your choice, it really is at is point. If you want to try moderating, see how that goes but don’t give it an extra inch. One extra drink, one black out, one surprise plate in the sink….your brain will want you to keep moving the line and keep drinking. “Oh so I said I’d have one and I had three. So what. Three is still not much.” “Okay so I blacked out, that’s only because I had a bad day at work. I’ll do better next time.” Don’t play that game.
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I will absolutely NOT play that game with myself. If I’ve become addicted as opposed to just not really thinking about it, I’ll be dry completely. I’ll be honest on here because I feel I can be and just always am. ..so you’ll know when I know 🙂
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So.. here I am on my Friday night at 6am today but it’s also my Sunday night this weekend. Ha. Night shift..gatta love it. Left night shift at 6, drove 6hrs to the Mac to work 2 days then back home for 4 nights. But it’s worth it 🙂
Beer now in hand. Ordering pizza and gonna have maybe 3..4 sips into 1. ..bought 6. Need to eat, sleep an be up at 4 am. Yahoo! Can she do it? You bet I can! ..so long as I don’t fall asleep an miss the pizza dude all will be well 🙂
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Well I don’t know where to yabber on so I’ll post here..ha. Pizza sure looks good. Pizza Prince in Ft McMurray..an for some silly reason is was cheaper than the thing I grabbed at the hotel check in. Bonus me. I’m on beer 3 now..an I’m so damn hungry. Thing is.. I gatta stay up til at least 20:00hrs or I’ll be up at 02:00 an not 04:00. So.. timmies is out event hough it is actually right across the street cause a timmies gives me 5hrs. So.. 3 more smokes an sip Slowly.. ok.. and a slice of pizza..
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Sorry Birds, I just can’t cheer you on for drinking three beers tonight. It’s totally your right to try cutting back instead of quitting, even though your black outs and mystery wounds suggest you should stop, but this is a site people come to for support to get sober and reading about your drinking can trigger someone in their fragile early days. I’m also worried for you, in all honesty. I have a wonderful sober friend who lives in Ft Mac and I’m sure she’d be happy to meet up for coffee sometime if you ever want to connect with someone who is living alcohol free.
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If 3 instead of 15 or 17 isn’t a good thing here. So be it. I don’t belong here either. Remove all of my posts immediately. Good luck and farewell.
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It is really sad you think that way. You came here for a reason and now you are upset at somebody that was trying to help you. Do you want help or just attention? You have a lot of soul searching to do. I hope you come back here with a clear mind. Good luck. If it helps I am on day 417 without a drink. It can be done and you will have support here if you want it.
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Taking offense to gentle correction is exactly what the addicted brain does because the part of your brain that’s wired for addiction is scared shitless at the thought of you reading recovery blogs and trying to take your power back. It’s the part of your brain that whispers, “screw them, they’ve hurt you so just drink what you want…” If that’s the case, don’t listen to it. There are lots of places online where you can explore moderation management, if that’s what you choose. However, I’d love for you to stick around here too and pick up what you can about recovery – because recovery and sobriety are two different things. I hope you can understand my response to you better today, after the sting of feeling offended has (hopefully) lessened. Resist the urge to retreat, okay Birds?
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I wasn’t offended. I said what my plan A and plan B were. You seemed ok with knowing that. But as soon as plan A happened and it worked, it was you that took offense. I thought I made it perfectly clear what my plan was. If it was not alright then, that would have been the time to say so. Again, I was not offended or am I now. Just obviously is not the right place. I had read many posts here of people saying they want to quit with a wine in hand that I certainly did not think my success with moderation would be an issue. But it seems to be. So I’ll happily move along and wish you good luck again. And please do remove my posts. If it’s not the place for me then no trace need be left as that would make me look like a failure when in fact I succeeded first time. ..now it’s just to keep winning/succeeding.
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Oh for heavens sake then go. You are just grand standing now. Unpickled is the most patient, honest mentor to many people on this site. Trust me its you that is scared and stubborn. And that’s fine. But I am sure even this small interaction with this support group is probably a copy paste of the patterns in your real life. You get lonely, get scared, feel righteous, act hard ass, send people away. Get lonely, get scared, feel righteous, etc
Until it’s still just the bird the pooches and you. Doesnt have to be that way. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
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Wow. Your words were like reading my own story. I started drinking when I was 13 and got a fake ID when I was 16. I went to bars all the time. My whole life I turned to alcohol to cope…parents divorce, my mom left and was addicted to drugs and alcohol…lived with my dad who was an alcoholic and had schizophrenia…dealt with watching my dad attempt suicide 3 times…abuse…the list goes on. I moved 27 times…I lost count at 27. As a young adult I lived on my own at age 17. I worked three jobs and put myself through university. I received my honours in Psychology while in a series of terrible relationships ( druggies, physical abuse, emotional abuse). On the outside I looked like I had it together. I left bad relationships, “dealt” with family drama. Held a good job and saved money. I was the happy go lucky, all around great friend..a role model but I drank…on the weekends, after work…all the time. I felt like my whole life was one social event after another. During my marriage of 16 years I did horrible things while drinking. I felt so much shame and guilt. I ended up leaving my husband for many reasons but mostly because of shame and guilt. I couldn’t live with myself. I blamed him. I left a big beautiful home, 2 beautiful girls and a life of drama ( so I thought). Throughout my marriage I would decide to “get healthy” and quit drinking for 3 months. I got in shape, felt great and then slipped back into old habits of drinking all the time. My divorce last year started a whirlwind of chaos and confusion and guilt and frustrations. I was a “part time” mom now. I had my girls a week on and a week off. I was a great mom when I had them but as soon as I put them to bed I drank and drank. I wasn’t sleeping. I had anxiety and depression. I went to a psychologist and started a new relationship. Again thinking I can handle this. I can keep my feelings in check. I will deal with this like I always do. I thought…Look how well I am coping. I even had the psychologist convinced that I was dealing better than the average person and that I was so “resilient”. I wasn’t coping”. I was drinking. I drank by myself. I drank with neighbours. I laughed about my drinking. I can relate to the recycling bins of booze. I came home early one day to find the wind knocked over the bin and on the road were bottles of wine and beer cans. I was humiliated but continued to drink. My 40th birthday I went to Miami. My fist day there I was in bed by 4:00 pm. U woke up not knowing where I was. I started drinking at 4:30 am. I woke up and started drinking again. For three days I have some memories but I was drunk for 4 days. Recently I yelled at my boyfriend’s daughter for crying about getting into a car with us after I was drinking all day. I said I was fine and I wasn’t. I drove over curbs and almost ran into my garage door. When I woke up I didn’t remember how I got home. I drove. I put their life at risk. I would never do that with my kids. Yet…did I stop drinking? No I drank more. My relationships were in jeopardy. I am a teacher too heaven sakes. I missed a lot of time last year. U blamed it on The divorce but in reality it was my drinking. The straw that broke the camel’s back…well one of them. I had a party and was drunk and someone said, “Wow. This is who we have educating our youth”. It hit home. Who am I? I don’t know. I’ve never been sober long enough to figure out. My friend is seeing a Guy who is sober and I asked her how she could date someone who doesn’t drink. I said I could never do that! Laughing to myself I can’t help but wonder if my friends will feel the same way. If my boyfriend will like sober me. After all its been a year of partying and drinking. I realize more than ever that I never dealt with anything. I masked the pain with booze. I realize I finally need to cope. Break down, let down my guard and feel everything I should and let it go. I have to be honest. Its been 5 days. Wow! 5 days. And the toughest 5 days of huge emotion. Im sorry this is long winded. But it feels great to let it out. Sometimes you just feel like nobody understands. I am so ready for this change. Ready to be me, resilient, loving, strong, smart and beautiful person I am! Thanks for listening!
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I hope your day 5 is going as well as can be expected, and you’re finding a lot of what you need in these pages.
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Five beautiful days. Five hard-fought days. Freedom from booze, freedom to heal, to process all this pain you’ve been holding in since childhood. I want to sing LET IT GOOOO with you in my kitchen right now. You are seeing the signs and taking your power back. Don’t let anyone or anything tell you that you’re fixed, it’s fine, you can drink again — that’s how the power slips away. Keep reaching out. Build support and accountability. Soak in the many great blogs and podcasts and books on recovery. You are on your way. Don’t look back! You don’t live there any more!
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Hi! Thank you ! I recognize myself in every pattern and red flag! A little different but the same. My biggest red glad is that I’m sitting here wanting to just sit and cry while my just turned two year old is wanting to play.
Today is the day I have been planing on reaching out and asking for help at an AA meeting. It’s not the first “quit date” I’ve set!!! It always gets pushed back .
I’ve been sober before. For 13 years . Oh well that doesn’t even matter . What matters now is I find the strength , I already have the desire, to give it up, get sober so I can feel that sense of freedom I long for. Not to mention be the mom I want to be .
Thank you for giving me this space ! It’s quite miraculous but no coincidence I saw it today.
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Welcome. It’s a wonderful day to be sober.
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I’ve commented on here a few times since I quit drinking. It was a year for me at the end of June. Still going strong. My best friend has been having his own issues. Along with daily excessive drinking he’s been diagnosed with debilitating anxiety and depression. I’ve always told him the alcohol is just making it worse but to him it was something he could go to for relief. Which I’m sure did work as a short term fix. Well, on Friday he checked himself into a medical detox center. This came after he outed to his whole family his drinking problem, which I know had to have been one of the hardest things for him. He told me this has been harder than when he went through a divorce that his ex wife wanted, not him. I’m wondering if anyone here has done medical detox and if they have any advice I can share with him. Also, I would encourage anyone that’s having multiple ‘day 1s’ to think about giving it a try, especially if you are a long time heavy drinker as there can be serious complications from quiting alcohol cold turkey.
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Hi good evening all. Just found this blog and felt compelled join in. I’ve been drinking most of my life and honestly made and done some pretty awful things whilst as drunk as a skunk!
The shame was worse whilst drunk.
I got fed up and could not take the cloud of self loathing in the morning and the deep abyss of shame.
I applied myself and went straight to a centre to get help. I was persistent and determined and finally with a little help from Librium and camprol I have stopped drinking for 15 days.
After reading your stories which I appreciated every single one.
I AM NOT NEVER GOING BACK, never.
The anxiety is real but they are only thoughts. Working on myself. Loving kindness. Sending out love to you all! WE CAN AND WILL DO WHAT WE GOT TO DO TO MAKE IT WORK!!
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If I’m not ready to put down my addiction I don’t know when I will be. Another blackout last night and another day of fatigue, bloat and horrible taste in my mouth. This was just 48 hours after I decided I had quit for good. Lot of stress and sadness going on in my life right now and I “deal” with it by not dealing with it. Too much alone time, too much inertia,not enough hope. Very little hope, actually. I always come back to sober blogs. I need to see that other people can do it, have done it. It encourages me to read that no matter how hard it is in the beginning, sobriety gets easier. Wow. Wish I could believe that.
So – Day 1, again. Big party this weekend and I’m thinking am I nuts to make a commitment ahead of a time and place where everybody will be drinking. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t drink like other people. I drank indiscriminately and got tired and wasted at this annual party last year and I was jealous of the people who were still peppy and having a good time when I was already winding down and wanting to crawl into bed.
If I wait for the right time it’ll never come, though. I guess any time I take the pledge and stick to it will be the right time. (Trying to talk myself into it). Right now, today, kind of sad over my waste of a life and all the things I could have done, should have done with my talents. But I won’t stay in the past and wallow.
If I can get out of here alive with my health intact ….
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it does get easier . i asked my mother if there was such a thing as self induced coma for a month ? because i was so deep in the hole, i knew it was gonna be terribly painful, mentally and physically. that kept me drinking even longer. the funny thing is the terrible suffering we go through is absolutely necessary to grow as a person. i understand that i should be even grateful for that, even as though it feels like hell when you’re init. i dont know? the coma idea still sounds pretty good… turns out its dangerous to be in any type of coma . the buddhist have the image of the lotus flower struggling up through the muddy swamp. or maybe you could think of a butterfly struggling to free itself from the cocoon..the point is i know it doesn’t feel like it now but the suffering does have a purpose.
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(((Hug))) Rosie. It gets better, it absolutely does. And, in all honesty, vowing to quit and then getting blackout drunk is very much a sign that addiction is present. Going alcohol free would be a wonderful gift to give yourself. You deserve to be happy and free, not dragged down with this tired old ball-and-chain relationship to booze.
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Ok, I’ll jump in and give this a shot too. I’m a 33 year old guy from Australia, I have struggled with alcohol abuse for years, but it is definitely escalating. Most of my friends are growing up and still having the occasional party – but I know I’m always going to be the guy that makes a fool of himself / embarrass my wife / not remember wtf happened last night.
In my mind, there is no worse feeling than waking up, that taste in your mouth, the the dawning of reality when you cant actually remember what you did, and need to gauge how much you f**ked up by the reaction of your significant other….
Lately (probably more in the last 3 months) I’ve been drinking during the week (3-8 per night), and on the weekend if I’ve had a big night and nobody is around, i’ll start on the beers when I wake up. Yep, seriously.
I don’t let it affect my job and I have not had a sick day in 8 years. Although, I’m at the point now where I generally feel like crap most of the time unless I’m drinking. My wife hates it, but tolerates it for the most part.
Last week on friday morning, I thought, that’s it, i’m quitting. That afternoon I went to the liquor store and drank for 2 days straight. This was a big wake up call for me, I’m a very determined person, and I wont let this problem take over my life. I’m putting a stop to it before I start losing the things in my life that I love. Thanks for the stories; and lending an ear.
This is me, day 2 sober.
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Guess it’s time to add my rant to the list…
I’m on my second go round in the past year. First time I went about 6 weeks without a drop. After that period I was moderating pretty well (a 22oz craft beer twice a weekend) until my best friend passed and I was back at full throttle. Easily killing a 12 pack of 7 to 9% beer on Saturday and Sunday, and a 6 pack on weekdays. I kept it well hidden from co workers and family (one of my closest co workers said “you don’t seem like a drinker.” Ha!) but knew I had a problem. Eventually my left hand ring finger and pinky went numb and the doctor said that I had alcoholic neuropathy (nerve endings damaged) from too much abuse. I am now on day number 7 and am enjoying getting my life back again. I’m down to a pack of smokes a day from 2 1/2 just because I’m not drinking. Cigarettes are the next thing I’m giving up. Life is too short to spend poisoning yourself. Not to mention the money I’m saving! I’ve learned that I’m not someone who can moderate. It’s all or nothing, and I have chosen nothing. BTW 21 days is bullshit; Rome wasn’t built in a day. If you are reading this, you have already taken a step in the right direction. Don’t give up. There’s a better life out there for all of us.
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Today is day one of my second year of sobriety. Yesterday was one year for me since my last drink which was at a Rush concert on June 11, 2015. I have lost weight and saved money. I really don’t miss it now. The first few months were tough but once I got to 100 days it just seem to get easier. I drank a lot and I knew it was way past time to stop. The novelty of it was long gone. I have lost a couple of friends because I don’t drink anymore but that doesn’t bother me. For all of you out there that are still struggling with quitting just know you can do it. The fact that you are thinking about it means you are headed in the right direction.
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if ya wanna stop any compulsive behaviour ya gonna need to some work on the inner .
first off, if ya not sure, keep drinkin . ya not gonna do jack shit about it until ya get serious. or like me
it will become so mentally and physically painful you will be left with no choice .
i obsessively studied spirituality for 7 years or so while being pissed all the that time,
you could say i was obsessed with 2 sorts of spirit. i think this really helps address the inner issues.
my go to guy is Eckhart tolle. check out either “the power of now” or “a new earth”. (this isn’t a cult or religion)
second. 95% of alcoholics are hypoglycemic. this is a real killer !
and i dont mean death, i mean ya gonna wish you were dead .
vitamin C is a massive !! and id recommend it even if you weren’t in recovery.
check out Andrew Saul PhD on YOUTUBE . Hes gonna tell just what a miracle “C” is in high doses.
ya gonna need some B-100 complex , Glucose tabs, chromium picolinate , Alpha lipoic acid, maybe some magnesium.
take multivitamin with every meal along with this lot . eat small meals every couple of hours.
lots of juicing fruit and vegetables. throw in some super foods like wheatgrass, kelp, turmeric, maca root, chlorella, ginger. and the daddy – coconut oil . i learned about sugar. gloucose is essential , lactose is fine , fructose is satan’s semen! 8 times more addictive than cocaine with a list as long as your arm of negatives. and in everything because its cheap.
im not a doctor and you should probably work something out with your local gp. i have this thought pattern that says doctors
are nothing but butchers and poisoners… Fck big pharma ! haha im sure theres some good ones left ..
the point being im doing it on my own . im also a coward and it takes a lot of courage to ask for help.
the one thing i haven’t been doing because the lethargy is too brutal and im lazy is exercise .
i know this would probably half my recovery time : ( i do some yoga stretches, mild exercise etc… but nowhere near enough.
the truth is i couldn’t stop on my own . i tried several times . id love to take credit but id be lying .
ultimately life or the universe or in my language, God (its all the same) is going to give you what you need .
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Yup. I did a lot of work on the ‘inner’ before I made the move to be AF. I had counseling, learned to meditate, (big fan of Eckhart Tolle, Tara Brach, Jon Kabat-Zin, Jack Kornfield) and then got certified to teach it a year ago. I attribute this to finally helping me deal with my anxiety and ocd in a healthy was and leading me to truly being AF. And that is my daily goal right now. Pretty new to the commitment. LJ
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reading it back now, the bit about helping myself sounds confusing . i guess what i was trying to say was God got involved. There’s no doubt i needed professional help but i couldn’t even talk to a member of my own family without 3 glasses of wine in me. i wasn’t like unpickled. she’s obviously an incredible person who recognised she had a problem, then dealt with it before it got too bad. i decided drinking myself to death wasn’t all that terrible. infact i thought it would be fun, at least until the last couple of weeks of my liver giving up at 59 or so. (im 37 now) one of my other spiritual heroes Alan watts lived that life.
i just had no idea how painful it gets when your body can no longer deal with the alcohol.
there are many worse things in this world worse than dying. living as an alcoholic is one of them. if you are reading this and struggling yourself please try to understand the addicted mind makes terrible decisions. there’s something to be said for getting out of your own way so that you can help yourself. which i know sounds paradoxical but i can’t explain it any other way.
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June 30th. Last day for me. So many day 1’si cannot count. I have reached a place in my mind I cannot deal with my addiction any longer. I want to be free…I’m ready.
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Michele
Hope your staying strong. I have had more day ones than I can count. It’s Independence Day weekend so hang in there! We are walking together today!
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Well, this blog is like looking in a mirror. I too have struggled with alcholism for 30+ years, truth is it’s closer to 40 yrs. I’m 53, have always had “a handle” on drinking (the big lie), never missed a day of work, rarely have a full blown hangover, never arrested, good career in health care….so apperantly I was damn good at hiding my problem, and lets not forget was clearly in denial for most of my adult life, but I actually denied the denial. How’s that for logic! I’ve privately had thoughts of needing to “cut back” many times for many years, but I guess i was getting by, so except for taking a few days away from beer (my weakness), I’d quit for a few days, feel better about myself, then back to the alcohol. To complicate matters, I am state licenced and any admission of addiction is a carrer ending scarlet letter. I have what I think is a strange trigger…on a beautiful day, I’m in a good mood, and I think to myself, a cold beer sounds great, find a drinkin’ buddy and have some laughs. Honestly, some of the best times of my life have involved alcohol, in fact most of them, because I was always drinking, i suppose. I’d drink, have a good time and carry on with life..no problem, right? In reyrospect, to say alcohol never caused me problems is bullshit, but for the most part it really hadn’t brought any horrible consequences, which means I didn’t have a problem right? Bullshit again. I was by any measuring stick, a heavy drinker, daily. Haven’t bought a 6pk since high school, the thought of running out of beer on a sunday, called for a mad dash to the store on saturday night, a case minimum. So fast forward to now-ish. Over the past 5 years, i knew i had a serious problem, needed to quit….tried, failed, justfied, tried failed, justified, failed. The biggest single issue I developed was depression, i mean don’t care if I live or die depression. Suicide ran thru my mind, never seriously, but I had thoughts. Just started those feelings a few years ago, apperantly some metabolic change occurred and alcohol was all of a sudden a really dark driving force in my life. So fast forward to now…i quit 2 days ago, for good I hope. The first couple days haven’t been too bad, as long as I stay occupied, boredom is my other trigger. So my friends, I’ve found all of your thoughts and experiences to be inspiring. I wanted you to to know you’ve all helped another take on this tough journey. I hope I can fight the fight. In only 2+ days, my depression has lifted a little. Thanks for listening. J
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Could have written it myself:)
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I did it! Today marks one year without a sip of alcohol for me. The first thing I’m doing this morning is posting to this blog, I’ve been looking forward to it. I remember saying early on that if I make it one year I would reevaluate and possibly start drinking again, but in moderation. I now know that’s a mistake and I see no end to my staying sober. I have no desire to even touch the stuff. I even feel like I’m in some sort of special club that was really hard to get into, and I’ve earned my first badge. For those of you on Day 1, stay strong, it’s hard at first but then it gets way better. You can do it!
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Congratulations! That is truly an awesome achievement. Good job on reevaluating your thoughts on drinking again after a year. I will be joining your one year club two weeks from today. I can’t wait to get there.
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Erik, this is wonderful! An (awkward) cartwheel in your honour!! I’m double happy to hear you aren’t going back – great decision. This life is too precious to waste time numbing out. Congratulations. You are an inspiration and I salute you!
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I drank heavily,daily,for 12 years,rarely awake after 7 at night.red flags big time,every one.Read How to quit drinking easily by Jason Vale.18 months dry and very happy,get the book, read it.Want a better existence for yourself?Be strong and it will happen.Fear stops people getting out of holes,fear nothing,one short life….live it.
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Wise words. That book has changed countless lives.
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Day 50 after 2 years: it is easy to quit, unless you believe it is not! Just put a little bit more sugar in your diet. A can of energy drink a day works for me.
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I have been in the contemplation stage for a good while now. As of yesterday, I entered the ready to quit as my red flags were becoming evident. I had been putting a check mark on each day I didn’t overdo the drinking and an X if I did. since i was thinking about quitting. I began watching the X’s go from once a month to once a week, and as recently as this week, 3 X’s in one week. Not to mention that my bank account is much lower than it’s been in a long time and I fear I may not have enough to pay my bills this month. I want o make it real by telling everyone, sobriety date 6/13/16.
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Hi Liam, sounds like you are starting out with a high level of self awareness and desire for change. That’s excellent, keep it going. It’s a good idea to journal or blog so that if you start telling yourself “it was never so bad, I’m probably okay to drink again” you can look back and revisit why you’ve made this decision. Hope your first few days are going well. Be gentle with yourself.
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I keep having day one. It is like Groundhog Day. I get to day 6 or 7 and then I fail. W T F ? I so want to be sober. Always!!!
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You are actually day 6/7. I am day 1. Hoping to get to day 2. 1 is not an issue.
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I wish I was on day 4. Go ahead and have that glass. Since I discovered this blog I went even worse with my drinking. The only differense I am aware of my priblem and paying attnetion how drinking affects my life. Before it was “just one day”. Now it’s one day free. Before it was “every other day”. I called in sick, drank all morning long and trying to figure out how I can pretend going to wotk. My son asked me this morning why I didn’t have my uniform(work clothes) when I was taking them to school. Just a reminder what I am today and where you are today. I want to be 165 days off. You don’t want to be me 0.
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You sound exhausted. What would it take for you to make things different today?
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Well, I am adding red flags and like I said I am aware. I try, but no hard enough. What happened today is alcohol at home. I try to moderate and my husband is aware of the problem ( I said I have it . Alcoholism. Asked him not to buy or have alcohol at home). Had a slippery road going from one bottle to 2 sometimes. 2 is a dead day next morning and driniking in the morning is my new found lowest point. I need to abstain. Period. Still thinking I can moderate, which is not true. I am not drinking now. Will go to work. Thank you for your question. I need to get nyself together.
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It was 7 years ago that we intervened on my good friend. He entered an in patient program, all went well, didn’t actually even need detox. It was the follow through he couldn’t handle. He just couldn’t build up the patience to sit in those meetings and listen to other’s problems. It drove him mad. After several sober months, he fell off the wagon and pulled away. After a very dark year, he picked himself up, went back to work and started living again. And then one day when the office was empty he fell back into the old routine of pouring a day drink, the trigger was flipped, fired the next day showing up hammered, and for the next 2 years he was in the darkest of places and ended his days in the worst of ways. A brilliant man laid to rest at 43 years old. One of you mentioned a slippery slope earlier. I had no idea it was THIS slippery. Just 2 years ago living, working and dating and yet he dies a slow painful, “Leaving Las Vegas” style death with not so much as a painkiller to help his pain and hallucinations as he faded away. Don’t forget just how slippery that slope is. I won’t.
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Day 165 without a drink for me. Had been sick and tired the regrets and procrastination in everything before I gave up in December 2015. Have accomplished a few very positive things in this duration. Have given up a few times before – for several months at a time on/off. Now want to go back to drinking (i know, just to give up again when I am tired and ashamed of myself like before and with risk of unpleasant events or even serious damage although not planning to have one). Not liking anymore the absolute no drinking idea although it is better for my life and of those around. Slippery slope I know and I will most likely not be able to moderate but I am pouring into the glass again. Will update when I give up again. Cheers everyone!
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That’s truly unfortunate. You’ve come a long way. Why keep doing this to yourself? Is there something triggering you to want to do it all over again? Will it be worth it? You obviously realize this is a problem but you seem to be ok with it. I hope others on here read your post and use it as fuel to keep them going rather than sympathize with it and go back to the bottle as well. Good luck. Moderation does work for some, but not often for those that realize they have a problem.
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You are 165 days and now you are going to jump off the wagon? I would suggest not doing that because I have done that many times. It gets harder and harder each time you quit. I am 320 days today and going strong. I don’t even want a drink now even in social situations. I hope you reconsider not taking that drink. Good luck!
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It was 7 years ago that we intervened on my good friend. He entered an in patient program, all went well, didn’t actually even need detox. It was the follow through he couldn’t handle. He just couldn’t build up the patience to sit in those meetings and listen to other’s problems. It drove him mad. After several sober months, he fell off the wagon and pulled away. After a very dark year, he picked himself up, went back to work and started living again. And then one day when the office was empty he fell back into the old routine of pouring a day drink, the trigger was flipped, fired the next day showing up hammered, and for the next 2 years he was in the darkest of places and ended his days in the worst of ways. A brilliant man laid to rest at 43 years old. One of you mentioned a slippery slope earlier. I had no idea it was THIS slippery. Just 2 years ago living, working and dating and yet he dies a slow painful, “Leaving Las Vegas” style death with not so much as a painkiller to help his pain and hallucinations as he faded away. Don’t forget just how slippery that slope is. I won’t.
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Ah your post makes me sad for you. Drinking again will seem like a great idea for the first few seconds after the first sip – ahhh there it is – but I can only guess that beyond that you’ll find few positives and many negatives. 165 days is a tremendous accomplishment in itself, and is love to see you keep going and put your energy to better use than returning to booze. Have you read Recovery 2.0 by Tommy Rosen? Maybe you could read that book before deciding if you want to pick up again. Maybe you could add one or two more things to your routine to build more happiness into your sobriety, rather than chucking it. Seriously, you deserve the best life has to offer and I don’t think booze will get you there!
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Thanks all.
I am the day 165 guy again.
Went to a friend’s for dinner. The hosts drank. The wife (who is not a drinker at all – may be 1 glass of wine every couple of months) drank a glass. I chose not to drink today unlike what I had thought before. I guess I was not yet ready for the guilt that was coming tomorrow if I drank today and the day after and not sure how many days, months, thereafter. Not sure how long I will drag. I can certainly “not drink” like today, like everyday in the last 165 days. Thanks for all your words. May be I should buy that Tommy book.
Having quite a few turbulences in life, profession etc. waiting for some life-changing decisions, lots of impatient moments, these all have made me consider drinking again even if drinking is far from solution but will make the wait much more bearable (of course at the cost of all the guilt and hangover and remorse that it will bring for sure). But it appears I have collected enough sanity in the last 165 days due to clarity in mind that tells me to hang on and regardless of how unpleasant the feeling, stick with not drinking. But for sure I feel very very vulnerable, could pick up a drink any weak moment. Possibly this weekend.
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Glad you have yourself your best today. Keep doing the next right thing, moment by moment. Honour yourself. Be well, my friend. We are cheering for you.
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Kari, you are NOT alone. I suck at this. Every day I swear to God I won’t drink again but I do. Every day, I live the same regret, shame, remorse, guilt, humiliation, and degradation. I hate it. I pretend like I am ok to everyone. It’s the worst. I keep thinking I can do this by myself but it has been 2 years. It hits 4:30 and the demon in me wins. I hate that weak part of be but I also love her. I struggle with letting go because alcohol kind of saved me mentally. I had terrible depression and I survived because it allowed me to not care for my kids and family when I really did. Ok. Sorry. Rambling. Kari I really hope you are ok. I will be honest though from one drunk to another, I am not sure what your post said. Pretty sure I have gone off track because I am drunk…..because it is easier for me to believe “if I wanted to, I could control it” …..like I said, it has been two years since I’ve tried. I think I am losing. Gosh I am sorry. Selfish. So sorry, I am selfish.
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Several life shocks caused me to stop, mainly the death of several people who drank. I just read an article about the higher incidence of breast cancer in women who drink what they believe is a small amount. http://draxe.com/alcohol-breast-cancer-risk/
My problems are mainly gastro. For a couple years I had been having a pain on my left side that went miraculously away when I had a shot. I didn’t realize that alcohol (as well as some other stuff like caffeine) was making it worse. The scare of what it would be like to have part of my gut removed is enough for me to stop, seeing it can only be a downward spiral.
I suggest you do get help because it is really difficult to give up the stuff alone.
Best wishes.
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I am there. Rock bottom close. Want to stop anonymously…don’t know what is next.
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Hi Kari. You’re not alone. Maybe I can help you figure it out. What has been happening? What’s your drinking pattern? What’s your situation at home – do you have positive support around you?
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“I was the most boring alcoholic ever – I have no stories of catastrophe. I just knew I was losing control and needed to take charge.” — Unpickled, June 2014
Those two sentences changed the course of my life. 500 days ago I made the decision to stop drinking. No one knew I was getting out of control. In fact, I hid my drinking so well I’m not sure anyone would have believed me had I told them. I began to contemplate quitting the last few weeks of December 2014. I wanted to secretly stop drinking so that left the internet as my “sponsor.” As has happened to so many others, I stumbled across your website and began reading…and kept reading until I had read and absorbed every entry and every comment. I was one of the “yet” people you write about. Nothing really bad had happened to me…yet. No DUI, no humiliating myself in public, no rock-bottom…yet. Yes, I experienced wide-awake blackouts, meaning the next day I could see I’d done the laundry and cleaned up the dinner dishes, but had no recollection of doing it. (Luckily, even in my wide-awake drunken stupor I had enough clarity to know that getting behind the wheel was a no-no.) I functioned normally all day long but when 5:00 came, it was wine time. In short order, I would be reasonably smashed but able to function fairly well to the outside world. My friends drank (and still do) quite a bit more than me so I always looked like the lightweight drinker in our crowd but I knew if I kept going, this was eventually not going to end well.
How did I get to where I was? I’m not even sure myself. There’s nothing in my upbringing that would have predisposed me to drinking. I had exceptional parents whose drinking habits consisted of splitting a beer on pizza night. My late husband used to drink a glass or two of wine a night, never more, and although I didn’t say anything, I kind of frowned on it! Occasionally I joined him with a small glass of wine but that was it. Then he died within weeks of being diagnosed with terminal cancer, leaving me with a young child to raise. Being home at night was torture so I’d walk over to my girlfriend’s house and our kids would play while we drank wine. My girlfriend and her husband had a large circle of friends, and several of them would also come by almost nightly to drink as well. It was almost a frat-house atmosphere on a daily basis. Things just spiraled from there. Soon I was not only drinking there but would continue to drink alone when I got home. At some point, I starting waking up feeling like crap almost every day and telling myself I had to quit but by the 5PM bewitching hour, I was crawling out of my skin wanting to drink—and I did. I hated myself. After 5 years of this behavior, a switch went off somewhere in my booze-soaked brain that said “enough.” I prepped myself mentally for weeks and had my last drink on December 31, 2014. I won’t say it was easy at first but so very worth it. I had to isolate myself from drinkers for a while. At 5PM I had to make sure I was busy. I spend many an evening wandering through the local shopping mall with my daughter just to be away from the house. As I “detoxed,” I worked on my diet and ramped up my exercise. This was a positive distraction as I lost ten pounds and actually weigh what my driver’s license says I weigh! It was a lot of work but the “high” I get from my new life is so much better than the one from wine. I feel amazing and sleep more soundly than I have in years. I re-connected with an old love and we’re engaged. My daughter is so proud of me. More importantly, I’m proud of me and I like the person I’ve become. I’m at the point where I can be around people who are drinking and know it won’t influence me to drink. Sure, I miss the partying at times, but not enough to trade my current life for a bottle of wine and a hangover. To those reading this who may be contemplating quitting, do it. Read and reread every post on this blog when things get tough. It will encourage you to keep pushing through. 500 days is going to pass whether you’re drunk or sober. Where do you want to be in 500 days?
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Congratulations on 500 days! I love what you said here: “500 days is going to pass whether you’re drunk or sober. Where do you want to be in 500 days?” Perfectly stated. My next big day is July 12 which will mark one year since I quit drinking. Every day at this point is an important day as long as I am sober.
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Love this. Thank you!
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This was my post back at 500 days. Today is day 777 and I could not be happier. I no longer think about drinking every night and life just keeps getting better. If you’re reading this, you can do it!
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Good for you …..that’s awesome……I’m on day 52 so pretty new to the whole sober way of life but I have to say ..it is getting easier…….I did have a hard couple days about a week ago.. but staying strong ….I love the sober life….it’s just not complicated……thanks for sharing
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And today is day 1,000. Hard for me to comprehend but I’m really proud of myself. Later when I look back on my life I will count kicking booze as one of my best accomplishments. For those of you on day 1 or day 10, hang in there. You can do this. Now when things are tough–or really good–reaching for alcohol isn’t my first thought! Sure, sometimes I think about drinking but it’s a fleeting thought. I would never trade what I’ve worked so hard to accomplish for a raging hangover! Life is so much better sober. Reading this blog was the start….
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Thank you for taking the time to pop in and share this special milestone! You’re an inspiration!
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I still pop by for encouragement now and then. Now I count the time sober in years, not days. That in itself makes me proud. 3.5 years now. Thank you for this blog and for being my “sponsor”–you helped me more that you could ever know.
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Today is day 311 for me. I’m looking forward to my 1 year anniversary where I plan to celebrate with as much diet Mt. Dew I can drink (my go to drink these days).
I never imagined I would have such a great outlook on life as I do today. I hated waking up every day, and hated myself for what I was doing to myself and my family. I still regret what I was doing to my famil, and sometimes more what I wasn’t doing for them. But that regret is what keeps me grounded. Now, I look forward to every day and what it brings.
Everyone on here, you can do this. Try to figure out what’s triggering you to keep going back to the drink, and try to eliminate that trigger. It’s not always obvious what that trigger is. Many times it’s something that would make sense to others, like stress from work or a family situation. Many times it’s something that doesn’t make sense to others. Like for me, my trigger was me telling myself I had total control and that I could quit anytime, so I would justify stopping at the liquor store almost every evening on the way home from work. To eliminate that trigger I did a lot of research on the health affects of alcohol and I scared myself into quitting. What I was telling myself was normal was actually killing me. I wasn’t under stress from work or my family life, but I would pretend that I was because that was a more acceptable reason to do what I was doing. I was actually making my life stressful by lying to myself and saying it was, so that I could use that as an excuse. Boy, the brain can sure be complicated.
My pulse rate was over 100 when I didn’t have my booze (it would go down when I finally had a few). My blood pressure was through the roof. My weight was borderline obese and my energy level would barely allow me to get ready in the morning. Sometimes I was so shaky I could barely walk down the stairs. After almost a year off booze, my pulse is consistently around 60, blood pressure 115/75, lost 20 pounds, workout 3 times a week and do pushups/situps every day, and my energy level is through the roof. I’ve read 6 books since I quit (probably read 4 books in 10 years before that). I’ve found a new level of passion for my hobbies, which before I only had interest in when I was drinking because that was the only time I was ‘happy.’ I’ve found a passion for my family that was buried by alcohol. Looking back, I see that I was in a heavy level of depression that kept me from functioning in almost every aspect of my life. But I didn’t realize that when I was drinking, which is just crazy to think I could feel that was and think that was normal. I’m embarrassed for things I did, but only realized how embarrassed I was until I had quit. Alcohol is a liar. It will tell you you are normal and doing just fine.
Everyone, keep up the good work. Some of you are on day 1 today as I see from the recent posts. Make a change in your life, find that trigger if you can, ask for help, don’t be afraid or embarrassed, throw out all the booze in the house, go for a run or walk, cry into a pillow, punch a pillow, get mad, hug your kids, eat an entire pizza. Whatever it takes. Alcohol is not your friend. Don’t tell him you’ll just see him on weekends. Tell him you’re leaving and slam that door on the way out.
Good luck to everyone
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Great post Erik. Thanks for sharing your experience and the encouragement. I needed that as I look toward the weekend
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Thank you for sharing this.
When does the guilt start to go away?
I just want to put distance between myself and the hour I last had a drink.
Day 1- AGAIN, I finally fully admit I am powerless over this and if I don’t stop, I face too many negative consequences, consequences no drink is worth.
I don’t even know what to say except this has to stop for me.
I’ve started over twice in one week!
What a failure.
Congratulations on over 300 days, Erik, I know you can make that 1000 and more.
You should truly feel proud of yourself.
I am claiming back my life on this most wonderful day of the year, Mother’s Day.
I hope I don’t fail again.
I don’t feel worth anything at the moment.
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Hi there,
Please don’t say you are not worth anything, or feel that way.
What you don’t know is your compass is already pointed towards health.
Yes, it is a struggle at first. A thousand mile journey beings with one step.
Even backwards, or stumbling until we get it right.
I toyed with the idea of complete abstinence for a couple years, having had the idea I could take a vacation from it, like periods of fasting and it would be clean out of my system. Wrong! I do think that there is a connection between having diabetes or some kind of carbohydrate intolerance in the extended family that makes matters worse.
In fact, this inability to process sugar may just well be the basis for so much of alcohol dependency. We cannot be neutral towards it because of the metabolic issues some of us already have. I say this because it is not so much a weakness of will. However, strength of will is necessary to control and overcome.
When I feel weak-kneed, I think of those in my family and others I have known whose lives were wrecked by this. I don’t want to follow their paths. I still want to do a lot of fun things in life. If the price to be paid is giving up alcohol, I will do it.
Nevertheless, it is hard.
Best wishes,
chou-chou
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Thank you, chou chou, your words are comforting and reassuring.
I had a break through today. In the past when I’ve said I was quitting drinking and I went to the store, I’d have to actively, consciously avoid the alcohol aisle. About two hours after I returned from the store today, it occurred to me that going down that aisle didn’t even cross my mind, I walked right past it and didn’t have to actively keep myself from it.
When I returned home, I also wasn’t sad or regretful that I didn’t buy alcohol.
I hope soon this will be second nature and avoiding or not purchasing alcohol will feel as natural as breathing.
I am excited for this change, no more self-loathing, I am going to treat myself with kindness as I heal from this addiction.
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Yesterday I had the same situation. I pass this particular supermarket only once a year on the way to the accountant. Last year, and it seemed like yesterday, I was scouring the booze shelf. This time I passed it without any regrets. This didn’t mean that later on I wasn’t longing for a nightcap but I got to sleep all the same and even slept through the night until 5 in the morning. For a long time I had been getting up around 3 or so, maybe because the blood sugar plunges after a spike. When the blood is not subjected to high concentrations of sugar as with alcohol. then there is no hypoglycemic let down. I still think I have a sugar problem. My family anyway has a high incidence of diabetes. After a certain age, many are dependent on insulin. I had very high cholesterol even 10 years ago. I think there is definitely a metabolic connection, even less reason for blaming one’s self.
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Great write-up. Encouraging. Motivating. This totally mirrors my feelings. Day 150 today for me and still strong. Days are way better. Mind is way clearer. Hopes are limitless. Opportunities are in the air. I wish I don’t ever loose the wisdom not to touch that poison again, regardless of what may look like the cost.
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150 days is awesome! Congratulations! I lost about 15 pounds of beer weight after quitting which I didn’t even know I had that much to lose.
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Yep I got through a who a whole week, yay me! Went to hospital this weekend at stroke level bp and I know it was because of binge drinking. That was the kick I needed, found a shot in my couch this morning though 😦 tossing that sucker when I get home.
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Yep, I too have been spiraling out of control, missed three days of work, I may lose my job I don’t know. I do know I feel way better when I don’t drink, but there is always an excuse. I mean it is like I am not even trying to stop myself. I feel like I would be such a better mother and person if I could just kick this terrible habit. The guilt and shame really suck but I keep coming back. Today is a new day and tonight I will be sober. That is all I can do for now.
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Andrea,
I really needed those words, I’m so glad you wrote them. I found myself drinking again for the second night in a row, after going a few days without. I CAN do this, then I slip back into NOT doing it. I’m tired of starting and stopping over again, I have posted before that I won’t have another start (because I’ll maintain), but I keep falling into the same pattern(s). I can’t undo last night or two nights ago, but I can stay in control of today, of this moment, of tonight. I can spend today and tonight sober and step forward on that. I just hate myself so much for drinking…and drinking so much! Why did I?
Your words are meaningful and helpful. Today I can have my do-over.
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You need to forgive yourself for drinking. It is forgivable. When we hold on to that self hatred, we spiral. It is ok if you went backwards. The important piece to remember is you want to move forward and you can. Progress not perfection. Forgive yourself.
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Thank you for your kind words. I am working to tell myself it’s okay to forgive myself, I am repeating that until it sinks in, I am tired of punishing myself with unforgiveness, much in the way I punished my body with alcohol. I want to heal and move forward. Day 1 I know can turn into Day 100 and more.
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You definitely can do it. Make day 100 your first goal from there. When you get to 100 it gets much easier. Tomorrow is day 300 for me.
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Thank you, all of your words are healing and congratulations!
Day 100 is my dream and feels so far out of reach, I do wish I had more days under my belt, but that deep regret won’t help, I can live in hope and the promise to myself that today will be different and keeping going from there. 🙂
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That is the nature of addiction, it fights hard for control and its up to us to fight harder. Keep standing up, know that the only way to are back your power is to starve the addiction. No alcohol, period. “Addiction is not your fault, but recovery is your responsibility.” (I wish I knew who to credit for that awesome phrase) stand tall, no shame. You have it in you to break out of this pattern, and you deserve nothing less than to be free and joyful.
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Thank you, your reply helps immensely. 🙂
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Stopped in to see how you’re doing, Andrea, while also reading everyone else’s stories. I hope things are turning around for you.
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First of all, support and virtual hugs for everyone who is struggling. It is hard when there is still booze in the house. It probably is even more important for a person such as my husband who has had a stroke to give up the stuff as well as smoking but he got his son to pass him a bottle of hard liquor. Enabling from family members is a known phenomenon. I did announce that there would be no more booze in the house. Meanwhile, it is hard for me to pass up the stuff when I am fighting literally on all fronts.
One of which is physical, probably the main reason to stop. I have had gastro issues my entire life and as things go, they steadily deteriorate as one gets older. It is not as though I made no effort to improve my health. On the contrary, I am a real nut for diet and in particular natural healing as opposed to conventional medicine.
About 5 years ago however I started noticing a kind of cramp on my right side and also discovered that a shot or two actually got rid of the pain. So I would go through the whole day looking forward to blessed relief at night. Little did I know that the alcohol was contributing to the problem. There are two aspects of the ileo-cecal valve that happens to be on the right side, alcohol as well as caffeine and some other substances actually weaken it. Conversely, calcium strengthens it. I was dumbfounded when even juicing wasn’t helping.
I tried to stay away from alcohol while fasting and modifying my diet to exclude gluten, dairy and what not. In fact, I probably tried every diet know to man or womankind. All this simply didn’t help, in particular, excluding natural dairy products. I am trying different calcium combinations but my guts are too irritated it seems.
I write all this because the weakening of the ICV and other gastro issues are directly implicated in the consumption of alcohol.
It’s strange coming from a background in which there was plenty of drinking, thinking I was immune. Hah! My father’s and grandfather’s drinking was overt, my mother used to hide the wine bottles in back of curtains. I also remembered that she invited me when I was an adolescent to late night liqueur sipping parties with her! In fact, I never realized her bad her own problem was, until starting to tackle my own. Things began to come together and memories surface that had been repressed for decades.
It is said when you point one finger at someone, three are pointing back. That is exactly what she used to do with my father, giving him plenty of reasons to drink and then slap him with the label of “no good drunk”. This was not really true since he kept a job down all of his life. He eventually succumbed at the age of 78 due to complications from diabetes and heart disease. There is often a correlation between inability to handle sugar and the move to alcoholism.
My gastro issues are the main thing now and the stumbling block for my getting back to some decent standard of functioning. It is really annoying knowing that there is an anodyne for the crampiness and also for my frustration and disappointment but it is as inaccessible as the Garden of Eden, but a false one at that.
I am wondering if there are others who have had similar gastro experiences with you know what. Thanks, chou-chou
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So happy to have found this blog. Addiction is so lonely. Thank you for starting this blog and your honesty.
To the commentor named Gina – would you like a sober buddy to email with? Your post about the guilt you feel for putting your husband and kids through hell rings so true to me. So much so that I obsess over that thought. Let me know if you’d like an accountability partner. I sure could use one.
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I made it through day 4 and on to day 5 today. It is very lonely, and the hardest time for me is between 2 and 6 where I would usually slip to that place “where everybody knows my name”.
Liz – I would very much like that. You can email me at renee.loter72@gmail.com. Thank you for your support and happy to see you here! And it does help so much to hear of others feeling as we do.
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I sent you an email:)
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Anyone can comment on medical advice? Most of us are ashamed to admit and seek profesional health. Also, some jobs require access to your medical history. I am ashamed to go to my family doctor who knows my husband, kids and myself before the RED status. Trying to keep the status draining in wine and being ( not becoming) a slave.
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I too am in the action stage. I have toyed with the idea of quitting and today two of my fingers are orange. Im scared to death I am going wake up tomorrow with my whole body orange. I quit for about 5 days a month ago just to make sure I could if I wanted and the fingers has me set to not drink anymore. Its been over 24 hours and I don’t crave it or feel crappy or anything, i’m just scared its too late. If anyone has any experience with this it would be great if you could comment.
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It’s important that you get medical advice from medical professionals. We are here to cheer you on in recovery and I believe in your ability to get trough this, but if you’re worried about your health please call a medical hotline or check in with your doctor. Your health is precious and you deserve to be well and strong and enjoying life to the fullest!
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The yellowing/oranging of the skin could mean liver failure or liver disease (jaundice). You need to see a doctor immediately and be honest with them about your alcohol usage.
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you pretty wrote verbatim everything I have felt or thought and done. It is so ridiculous because in every other aspect of my life, my health is so important. Yet I can’t seem to “manage” my intake to stay on the healthy side of drinking. It makes me feel so incompetent I cannot do that. I hate that I can’t. I am trying really hard to pull myself out of denial and accept that no matter how hard I want to be a “normal” social drinker, I don’t think I ever will be again.
I tired of the battle every day to ” not” stop and buy wine and then the same Groundhog Day every morning when I wake up so ashamed that I couldn’t not drink…..
What I dislike the most about it is I am so full of resolve in the morning and then by about 3 pm, I can all of a sudden justify stopping to buy some. I can’t seem to see realistically at that point. Or better yet, I can’t “feel ” realistically. I try to reason out all the reasons why I shouldn’t but because by that point in the day, I no longer “feel” the same way about the alcohol. I suspect that is because “the monster” needs tone fed by then.
I am getting tired of not being important enough to me to stop drinking. I am tired of the revolving door, Groundhog Day life I am living. I am scared though I won’t find the inspiration, motivation and intention to stop. I am going to try again. I just wish I never crossed that line. Makes me sad. Thanks for this blog post. I needed to get that out.
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I would have the exact same Groundhog Day, day after day after day! The only difference was beer was my crutch. I am only on day 2 and it is hard. You will know when it is time to stop. I was so consumed with guilt, shame and depression and I would get verbally mean. That pendulum would either swing to really happy or really mad. When I woke up and saw the despicable texts that I had sent to people that I loved (again), I knew I had to stop, not to mention all the health factors. I cannot maintain and stay on the healthy side of drinking either. I had good intentions, and next thing I would know, it was 6 or 8 beers later and looking forward to more guilt, shame, depression and hangover the next morning. I also missed out on a lot of my children’s preteen and teenage years. This really saddens me. I don’t want to miss anymore as they are now 20 and 22. Good luck to you and maybe you should frequent the blog daily as I know it is going to be one of my strongest tools for getting through this. It really helps to communicate with the people on here as I know they are not judging me (big pet peeve of mine) because they have all been there and are here to offer support to each other.
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Thanks Gina. I appreciate your comments and knowing that someone is hearing me who feels the same way. I havent had any tonight and won’t. I just d coded it is too big to worry about tomorrow. Just going to make a good choice for tonight. Less daunting.
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HI
I have begun the journey again after a few months of sobriety and a year a back to heavy drinking. I never deleted this thread and many days I passed it by on my cell phone. But something in my brain said leave it. Today I am on day 3 Ist day is always tough but I knew what to expect. Terrible nightmares. restlessness etc. Two day a bit better . Ice tea, Club soda and fiber mix with lots of water is my non hangover/stay sober -go to. It worked before. As with lots of folks I am 50% more productive in just this short time. I cant look to a time I can drink again I just hope to have the strength to fight when the temptation gets here. I know it will come. Keep writing folks like many have said this blog is a lifeline to grab on to. Thank you
On Tue, Apr 26, 2016 at 6:28 PM, UnPickled Blog wrote:
> commented: “Thanks Gina. I appreciate your comments and knowing that > someone is hearing me who feels the same way. I havent had any tonight and > won’t. I just d coded it is too big to worry about tomorrow. Just going to > make a good choice for tonight. Less daunting.” >
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Thank you so much for the blog! I’ve been reading for a year, working with a harm reduction therapist, and have been collecting new tools for the last year. I’m ready to take the leap starting today to move into a period of abstinence. I want to share that your “voice” is often in my head reminding me of all that I will gain by removing the numbness from my life. I am scared – but weirdly excited. I just told my partner of my decision and shared my fears. I’m going to do this! As he said, “I know it will be hard, but it will be better.”
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I stumbled on this blog several months ago or it stumbled on me because I wasn’t looking for a blog like this. It just happened that it was similar in address to another blog about something completely different I was following.
At any rate, several other markers pointed me in this direction. One was being desperate to read a book so as to pass unemployed time so picked up the Mayor of Casterbridge that had been lying around for years. I said, what the heck. For those who don’t know the plot, an itinerant laborer did a shameful act while drunk that affected his family so promised not to touch alcohol for 21 years, eventually becoming a successful businessman and mayor. His former life did manage to invade the present however, which is the premise of the book.
When some posts entered my inbox, I read some of them out of curiosity. But then I started recognizing myself with the Red Flags, but still loathe to admit it.
I do come from a family of drinkers but also with tendencies to diabetes and heart disease. Alcohol and sugary substances wreaked vast damage. The weird part is that my father was always supposed to be the identified patient. For decades my mother was going on with the ‘big bad drunk’ but she had been hiding her own addiction for all that time! They say when you point one finger, three are pointing back atcha. Before being forcefully admitted to an elder care facility, she was “hiding” bottles of wine behind curtains, as though she was fooling anyone. My Italian-born grandfather used to make his own wine in huge barrels. He and his son used to have drinking parties together. This was repeated with my mother inviting me to sup liqueur with her on school nights. Also, we used to get a huge jug of the wine to drink with meals from gramps while we were still kids.
As a young to middle-aged adult, I couldn’t afford much alcohol but the smoked stuff was readily available. By back calculation, certain partners had a taste for wine and brandy. The combination of the two was quite unsettling.
The buddy system in which my father was participating and my mother tried to seduce me into was repeated in my own life. I put an abrupt stop to it a couple weeks ago. I felt I was being used as a pimp to supply the stuff since I do most if not all, of the shopping. Drinking for me is less lethal than for the person who has already had a stroke and insists on continuing to smoke, that I don’t do. But I realized the health deficits with me are quite severe. I have had gastro-intestinal issues ever since childhood with the stressful home I was growing up in. Over a few years I discovered cramps actually subsided with a dram or two. So I would go through the day more or less in discomfort, looking forward to being pain-free at night. The point I didn’t realize was that the alcohol was contributing to the inflammation and I was getting progressively worse.
What put the lid on it was discovering that alcohol is a mast cell activator, and I had enough problems with histamine intolerance. This I believe is a core issue with those who may susceptible to addiction. Those who already react to chocolate, fermented products, etc., have even a worse time with alcohol. The typical red face of a person who has been drinking is due exactly to that mechanism. When I saw myself as being red in the mirror even when not drinking, or during the day when waiting for the evening’s bliss, I realized that this is my base condition and to control it and maybe even beat it, booze has GOT TO GO.
This of course is easier said that done. So much of addiction is mental, what does one do at a habitual time of day or when something hurts, etc.? This part is hard as you all know. It has been difficult with the significant other but strangely enough he seems to have accepted that I, at least will bring no more of that stuff into the house. Maybe he also had a realization or epiphany.
It’s hard for me to believe I just wrote the above but while still consuming the stuff, I would not have been able to, as it perpetrates a state of denial.
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Hi Chou-Chou, so glad you found my blog. There are no accidents, are there? Clearly this is where you were meant to be. Congratulations on all of the positive changes you have made in life. It isn’t easy with dysfunction all around, but you can stand in your truth and show others what freedom from addiction looks like. Sending you wishes for happiness and continued success.
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Thanks for your feedback. After deciding to give up the stuff, my mind began to lead me back where in so many instances, it was present as a saboteur or at least numbing the mind enough so as not to make the right decisions. I had a flashback about a dysfunctional partner who admitted as a child he used to finish the wine or drinks left by his parents as parties. I wonder if some of us are just metabolically unable to process it or become that way.
For me the deciding factor was learning that alcohol is a big time mast cell activator. I had histamine problems all my life that finally was able to hook up with the gastro ones thanks to mastocytosis. The problem was over the past few years, I developed cramping that was miraculously relieved by a shot or two. Of course, like everything else, it only masks the pain but doesn’t cure it, even makes it worse. I couldn’t go through the whole day potted, like the secretary of the school I was teaching in, so waited for the redemption in the evening. It’s funny I thought I was not as bad as the guy you could smell the metabolizing alcohol not far from where he was sitting. But now I think after a couple weeks, it’s not completely out of my system. In fact, feedback on that subject would be appreciated. I still feel lightheaded at times.
The buddy system is really a case in point and vitally important to associate with those who lift you up rather than pull you down. It was hard having booze around here when I stopped but since I do most of the shopping, I’m pretty much in control. I said I am not going to bring any more into the house, that’s it, not only for my health but his. The penny may have dropped. I hope so. Good to hear from you, am appreciative of anyone who wants to chime in.
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I forgot to mention that another contributing wake-up call was the passing of a brother of a friend of mine from complications of diabetes at the age of 53. She didn’t say if he also drank like her father and other brother who died prematurely. This unfortunate happening was in a Moslem family no less where it is not supposed to occur. She told me what I need to hear, that it is harmful. I’d really like to know if others still felt lightheaded after passing to freedom!
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I think it’s time to quit when you discover that you drove to McDonalds at 1:30am and have absolutely no recollection of it. The only indication is a charge on your statement. That’s some serious scary $hit. I’m lucky I didn’t kill anyone, kill myself and/or get a DUI. I love the energy and emotional state I experience when I’ve been sober for several days. I wish I could just have a couple and stop but once I get that buzz in me I’m off to the races. It’s like some evil spirit takes over my body. The hangovers are absolutely brutal and I’m tired of feeling like complete garbage. It’s going to be a long journey but it’s either that or continue to drink and put myself in the grave.
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I am so glad you are safe and well, and you can show your gratitude for that good fortune by sticking to the changes that can eliminate the possibility of that kind of danger ever happening again! People who have been responsible for injuring others carry a terrible burden that is hard to reconcile – it is a heartache that many never recover from, and it is even worse for those who lose their loved ones to such a tragedy.
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Today is day 1. I just can’t do it anymore. Enough. Feeling indescribably low. But I know that more alcohol will only keep me there. This is going to be profoundly weird though, especially by evening. Any advice?
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It IS weird at first, but it is also cool to realize HEY! You can do anything in the evenings because you aren’t drunk! You can drive to the store for popsicles, you can go for a walk, you can go to a movie or a play. One trick that many find helpful is that sugar can negate alcohol cravings – partly because it trips the pleasure-reward circuitry that addiction mucks up, and partly because sugary and booze don’t pair well, so your palate will be confused. Some sadness is normal, we grieve the loss of what we came to think of as our best friend. It passes, and after a while you will start to feel better. It is much like a painful breakup, so treat yourself with the same gentleness you would under those circumstances. When you are trying to think of ways to pass the time, ask yourself what activities you would offer if you were babysitting your 12-year-old self: lots of snacks, shoot hoops, play video games, go outside and walk our visit something interesting. What you wouldn’t offer a 12-year-old is alcohol, right? That wouldn’t be an option. So keep that in mind and if you get bored, give yourself appropriate options. Good luck! It is a wonderful thing you are doing for yourself!
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Today is day 1 for me. I have so much guilt. I have put my kids and husband through hell. When does the guilt go away and how do you get it to go away. I have years of it built up. Your blog is going to be a wonderful tool in my journey to sobriety. Thank you and I am glad I discovered it this ugly hungover morning.
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When I get to the end of June it will be one year for me. I don’t know that the guilt goes away, it has not for me. But it’s a different kind of guilt. Sure, I feel bad for what I was doing and more importantly, not doing. But when I look back on this last year I get an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment and love for myself. I see how I’ve become a better father and husband, how I’ve found my true friends, and how I’m no longer missing out on life. I think that guilt serves a purpose, it keeps me from going back. And I like that. I honestly think I had to hit a low in order to maintain this high, otherwise I’d look back and say ‘what’s the big deal, I was doing fine’ and I’d be back at it again. So keep at it, the first week or two is always the hardest, as many have said. But you’ll soon see what I mean.
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I am about the same as Eric when it comes to time. I will be a year the beginning of July. It took me about 4 times of quitting before I got where I am at now. Embarrassment and health were the two biggest reasons to quit for me. The first month was daunting to me but after that it got easier. Good luck and believe in yourself that you can do it.
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Thank you both for your replies. I suppose you are probably right in constantly having the guilt feeling to serve as a reminder of why we do not want to go back there. I have missed out on so much and I cannot wait to have that feeling of clarity and accomplishment and to gain the respect back of all my loved ones. I am ready for the journey (with all of your help of course)!
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It’s also Day 1 (again) for me.
Reading it is for others is so encouraging.
No more guilt, I want to prove to myself I can do this.
I drank earlier today and tossed the rest out. I am determined not to even bring it back into my house again.
I look forward to and wish I could already be at 1 day, 3 days, 7 days, etc. sober, and would be, had I not failed myself and my family yet again.
I want the sense of peace days without brings, I’m tired of failing at this.
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So, day 2 is hard! Felt terrible when I got up this morning and have been extremely tired all day. Feeling lonely and tired and stressed and really wanting a drink. Not going to give in but am really fighting it!
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Hang in there! The first few days can be difficult, but it’s confirmation that a change was necessary right? Be very very gentle with yourself. Sugar can help alleviate alcohol cravings, and drinking lots of water and herbal tea is good too. Rest. Restore. Rebuild. You’re doing great!
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Thank you for the advice and encouragement! Maybe that is why I was craving ice cream last night….I rarely want ice cream. This blog is such a great tool for me. Even though I know no one I feel like I know everyone and am not alone. Thanks again! The night isn’t over but I think I have day 2 in the bag! I think I will go for ice cream! 😉
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I feel fortunate to have found this blog as I am only one day sober.
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I’m on my 6th day (have no intention on going back to day 1) and I also found this blog on my 1st day. Welcome.
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One day may seem tough but you can do it. Today is day 270 for me. I didn’t think I would make it 30 days.
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Hey everyone, I just wanted to say this an amazing blog, its really great to see people really supporting others. Keep it up!
Now, getting back to my post. I have a close friend who is very much like a brother to me, he has been a heavy drinker for a very long time. he has tried to quit before but has never really succeeded. However his most recent attempt seems very different and much more determined and focused. I wanted to know what you guys think is the most valuable thing that I could do to support my friend?
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You are a good friend! There is lots you can do to be supportive. One is to invite him out for coffee or brunch or a run, or anything that has no connection to booze. Spend time together in non-drinky situations. Another is to ask him what he likes to drink now and make sure you stock it when he comes by. You can ask him what helps and what doesn’t. I wrote a whole post on this topic, graphic included. Have a look: https://unpickledblog.com/2014/12/24/top-ten-list-for-supportive-normies/
PS – please come back and tell us what you do that works well and how your friend responds!
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My drinking started to ramp up about a year and a half ago. It can definitely be contributed to stress at work and a busy home life. I never drank every day, but did habitually on weekends and most of the time when I had a day off work. I also think a lot of it had to do with making a Friday night or Saturday afternoon more “intetesting”. It kind of cured boredom around the house.
After this past New Year’s I decided to cut down. I definitely did, but then I was quickly back to drinking every weekend. I did this even though I found I would have a new-found energy after taking a weekend off. Well, this past Sunday, on Easter, I had a few beers followed by a couple glasses of wine. The next day at work I felt awful. I’m writing this three days later and am finally starting to feel normal, albeit still tired.
That was the last straw. The few hours of feeling good is not worth the days of malaise and sluggishess. Also, the clear-headed energy is a great reward for staying sober. I’m just finally tired of putting that poison in my body.
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Congratulations and thank you for sharing!
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Today is my 9 month anniversary. But that’s not why I’m here. Today is also day 1 for my best friend. He had his realization yesterday that alcohol is the root of all of his issues. He has some really hard things going on in his life and he attributed all his anxiety and general feeling terrible to that. I knew he was a heavy drinker, and I had grown apart from him since I’ve quit. But that was my fault as I was keeping myself away from drinkers. I no longer feel I need to do that. I’m able to go to the bar with friends to watch the March madness games and drink diet coke and actually enjoy myself and feel no temptation. I know he is not able to do that, not yet. He’s having borderline severe withdrawal symptoms. Bordering on DTs I fear. So I’ve been in constant contact. I even drove him into work today as he’s taking anti anxiety medication and can’t drive. I feel he may need something better to get him over these symptoms but he refuses to go to a rehab clinic. We talked for hours yesterday and he tried to justify weening himself off of booze. ‘I’ll just have a few tomorrow to get me through the day’ he said. I told him I really didn’t think that was the way to go and he really needs to go cold turkey. Throw out the booze tonight. Talk to your wife and make sure she’s supportive. I’m hoping I’m right. I fear his wife is very upset (he admitted to her he’s been doing day drinking yesterday just to get through the days) which isn’t helping him. He’s a very anxious and worrying type person, and he needs someone to support him, not get mad at him. I’m hoping I can be that person but I’m not family. His wife’s family are all heavy drinkers so I fear he doesn’t have the support system in place to stay clean. Any advice anyone has, please send it. I was lucky, my wife doesn’t drink so now we are an alcohol free family. My mother and her mother don’t as well. Both our father’s died and alcohol was a factor in that. My friend has all his family still, but it seems they all drink, so he’ll be the odd one out. I’m not greatly religious but I’m praying for him today.
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You are very kind to be looking out for your friend. It has been a few days since you wrote this – how is he doing so far? It can be very hard for people to stay sober in an unhealthy drinking environment – he may need the support of a group like Al-Anon in addition to his own efforts to stay alcohol-free. Maybe taking him to a meeting like that is something you could do as a way to be supportive.
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Well it’s been a while since I have posted this, but I was working with my friend on his issues and wanted to see how it played out. Well, it has not gone well. He’s back to ‘Day 1’ again today. I think he was too embarrassed to reach out for help, so he took the easy route back to the booze. He does not want to seek treatment. And I quit without treatment (2 weeks until 1 year for me!! yahoo!!), so I think he sees that it can be done, but I’m not so sure it will be as easy for him. That’s also an embarrassing thing to admit to yourself, that you need someone else to help you. So here we go again. He’s very worried about getting DTs so his plan is to ween himself off. I’ve read up on DTs a little and it’s scary.
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Keep on your friend. DTs are bad and if he is worried about that then he needs to seek professional treatment.
Congrats to you on your upcoming 1st anniversary. Mine will be 4 weeks from tomorrow. You should be proud.
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Everything I read in this blog was ME! The scheming, hiding, telling myself every morning that today I quit, heavy drinking before an event just in case there’s NOT enough alcohol, buy grog from different locations, downing shots because the wine just didn’t hit me hard enough, calculating the wine storage at home to ensure I don’t run out. I don’t even know how this happened. It just crept up on me. But you got sober – you beat it. That gives me encouragement. Well done!!!
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Woo hoo… 100 days without alcohol and still going strong. Plan on never touching that liquid again.
Best wishes to all who are, or planning on being on this wonder journey to revive your life.
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I found your story and I can relate to some items. My life has suddenly changed after having an epileptic alcohol withdrawal seizure 3 weeks ago. I’ve been on medicine for my condition since elementary school and this was the 2nd seizure, but alcohol related. I had no idea that skipping my medicine on Friday and Saturday nights while I enjoyed my array of beers would hurt me so much. Drinking solo was something I looked forward to mainly because I talk so much during the day for my job. I’ve always kept a lot of hurt inside as well, and that beer, it helped. Well I found out that it didn’t help at all. My MRI revealed I have damaged my cerebellum (it has decreased in size a little), and the epilepsy combined was just a huge accident waiting to happen. My doctor said I was extremely lucky. No license for 6 months . I love cars. I have to rely on friends and family for rides etc. drinking for all of these years built up a huge tolerance so I could have 6-8 beers a night easy. It wasn’t worth it, and now alcohol isn’t an option for me. I could easily have a seizure if I even have 1 beer. If I had only known….. I have a great family and wonderful friends and not drinking will be something that they will support me with 100%. 🙂
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I just found this blog today,,,and my story sounds a lot like yours, unpickled. Fortuitous timing, thank you!
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Welcome. You’re not alone!
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I feel like I just read my story. Even the drinking scotch before bed to compensate for the missing alcohol. I’m just starting my story though and some days I don’t think I can make it through. I am so angry. I am looking forward to reading through your blog. I have a feeling it will help me.
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Well, I tried to quit drinking and quickly learned that (pardon the pun) but I’m in a real pickle:
I recently had my 4th back surgery. A post lateral fusion of L4,5 & 6. I was in traction for 5 weeks and then noticed I was worse than before the sugery. After a while I learned that the hardward they put in my back, which in part is two plastic tubes that contain a human bone growth hormone, actually grew too much bone in the small of my back. The bone is growing into the sciatic nerve in my back.
Now, I can’t begin to tell you how painful it is to have a bone rubbing the raw nerve in your back, and I’d love to tell you all the name of the company, but my lawsuit says I cannot. So, now I am debilitated and a having to live at my mother’s how so whe can take care of my on the days I can’t move. This is my situation in life.
The drinking part is just complicating it. I am a divorced grown man. Who is disabled. Who is living with his mother for the first time since I was 17 years old. (That will drive you to drink if nothiing will, lol) But, my mother, in her own way is an alcoholic. He only drinks in the evening, but she drinks alone, becomes mean and irrational, etc, etc.
The point to this long story is: I have to stay here until some doctor in the US (this is a brand new medical issue for which hundreds of back surgery patients are awaiting a corrective surgery cure) figure out how to safely remove the bone without damaging the nerves in my back -or- I find someone else who can take care of me on the 3-4 days a week I am stuck in bed.
So this is the situation: I am trying to quit drinking after 25+ years of light to heavy drinking. (Some days I don’t drink. Most day I have 2-3-4 in the evening and occainsionally I don’t drink) I live with a drinker. There is always alcohol within reach and I am immobile so I don’t have a lot i can do to keep muself busy and alcohol off the brain!
A couple years ago a doctor told me I had high enzyme levels in my liver. Then last year I took another test before an MRI, and my liver test was ok. I’d scared to death for my heath, but I’ll be darned if that doesn’t stop me from drinking on those days I have that “poor me, life sucks” pathetic attitude.
Also, I can’t stand AA. I went to Al-Anon when I was around 12-13 when my “fathers” drinking blew out of control. (That’s right. My father destroyed my family with drinking. He died last April (I hadn’t spoken to him wince 1993. My mother drinks and my stepfather drinks, I am disabled, I drink and I am living in their house.) I cannot go to AA. I tried once, but it is sooooo not for me. It brings up too many childhood memories that just walking in there and listening to the rhetoric makes me want to buy a bottle of Chardonnay on the way home.
I seriously do have the first clue how to handle this and how to stop. ANY ideas, stories, anecdotes, helpful muses, advice, etc, that anyone has would be very appreciated.
(Sorry for the long read and thank you, if you read all of it 😉 )
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I am on day 35 alcohol free. My father was a binge drinker, my brother is an alcoholic and my sister is a recovered alcoholic. I found myself increasing the amount and frequency of alcohol intake. I am a lung cancer survivor (23 years) and recently was non weigh bearing ( 6 long weeks) from a foot surgery. After the recovery from the lung surgery, and a long and tedious 5 years to be declared cancer free, I was a pity party and my drinking was taking over my every weekend and then my evenings. Life is short and I had to enjoy it. 5 weeks ago today I made the decision that I wasn’t really enjoying life as I was addicted to the alcohol. Like you, not interested in going to AA to listen to how much others had made a mess of their lives. I confessed to my best friend that I drank too much and much to my surprise, he admitted the same to me. I haven’t seen him since ( they live in another state). I think admitting to someone that you have a problem is the first step ( it worked for me). The following up by not drinking is the hard part. There are days that will challenge your resolve. If you are bent to religious beliefs you could pray but don’t look for any divine intervention, it is on you. I just do it one day at a time. Some days are easy, some are not easy but it is a wonderful feeling to wake up knowing I am sober and still have a chance to stay that way. Best of luck to you and hopefully a remedy to your back will be coming soon. Peace
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This sounds so much like me, when you describe your mother. I’m not always mean when I drink, but of course, alcohol doing what it does, it heightens the chance of me acting manly toward my children, just saying words I can’t get back. Then I feel immense guilt, even before I’m sober, at what an awful, horrendous mom I am.
My children have already been through enough, we finally were able to leave a very abusive situation after years of daily horror. My mother never thought I’d get out alive.
We deserve to live fully, freely, and uninhibited by the chaos alcohol has the potential to bring. I cannot find myself at another day one, I’ve dumped the remaining wine I have and escorted the bottles out for trash pickup.
Today was a setback, but I won’t let it defeat me and I an so very helplessly determined and desperate not to have another start on this journey.
I wish you well as you recover and in your circumstances.
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I am 42, I’ve been drinking off and on for 20 years. I’ve never drank every day, mainly weekends. I have hit spells where I didn’t drink for months at a time. It’s never caused problems at work, but I’ve all but ruined my marriage. I love my wife and 2 kids with everything I’ve got, I’ve never tried to hurt them, but it’s caused problems. I don’t want them to grow up drinking, and I don’t want to get so bad they won’t want to have anything to do with me. My wife already doesn’t. I don’t even crave alcohol, I just feel down in the dumps a lot, or sometimes have to much going on and drink to help get by. I do take Zoloft for high anxiety and borderline ocd. I just can’t drink a couple without going overboard. Im tired of my family finding bottles I’ve either hidden or forgotten about, feeling guilty, and knowing the only woman I’ve ever loved hates me, and it’s my fault. She’s a great woman, we’ve been together since we were in middle school. It’s hard to explain how I feel, but I’m tired of feeling this way. I can leave the alcohol alone, but then I’m just a hateful person, and can’t seem to find motivation. I just needed to get this off my chest.
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Hey friend, glad you are here. It may seem like you become miserable without the booze but can you honestly say that drinking is making things better instead of worse? Alcohol will interfere with your meds, making them ineffective and perpetuating the cycle even more. If you can’t drink a “few” without going overboard, your best best is to get alcohol free and stay that way, and if you are willing to make that happen you will definitely be in a better position to make whatever changes are necessary to work on your health and your marriage. Youa re not alone, there are tons of people out there who are in the same boat and who will be happy to walk this road with you. Have you considered going to meetings or maybe talking to your doctor?
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I want to do it on my own. I have a busy schedule, work, two kids in sports in different directions, not much time. Like I said, I can go without it, I’ve just got to make myself stick to going without. I know I can beat it, main thing bothering me is I wish my wife could understand I’ve never done it to hurt her, and just because I have a problem to work on doesn’t mean I love her any less. Thanks for replying. Needed to throw it out there.
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Stick with the blog, it helps! Esp if you want to do it on your own. Good luck,,,you can do this!
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Today is my day 643. I had searched online for help to quit drinking for quite some time. I knew meetings or treatment were out of the question. Then there was that awesome day, I found this blog. Early days were spent using up “evening” time to get past wine o’clock so taking drives, going on walks, photography, photo editing and reading this blog were the ticket. I still like to read them.
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That is awesome Lynn. Today is day 237 for me and still going strong. The support of my family is all I need. Most of my friends abandoned me because I don’t drink anymore. That doesn’t bother me one bit.
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Most of my friends abandoned me because I quit drinking, my family left because of my drinking.
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Tim and Keith – were they ever really friends if they disappear when the booze is gone? Or did they like you because you made them feel better about their own addictions or shortcomings? A few of my “wine friends” have faded, but my real friends shone through. Tim, I am so glad to hear you are still going strong! Keith, how are you managing in this isolation? Do you have support?
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Hello,
I manage to get by, luckily I have my work to keep me busy. It’s weird because I have long lasting business relationships but my social support is lacking.
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So happy for you, and so glad you are here.
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I am on day 89 of the 100 day challenge. I just received a case of wine as a gift from a family member who has no idea that my list of red flags is identical to yours. I keep contemplating what I will do when I reach my 100 day goal. How did you decide you were done?
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Non-rhetorical question… Still so hard.
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Katie, first question: is your life better or worse without alcohol? Are you closer to being your best self, or further?
>
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Hi. I’ve known for a while. Virtually, all of the men in my family drink what most people would call heavily. Interestingly, I can relate with each of your red flags except one. I’m always willing to share, even if it is my last.
As a former drinker, my wife tolerates my drinking. She knows I drink too much. But I handle my business. I’m a former crack addict of 10 years, followed by 7 years of methampetamine addiction and 17 years smoking cigarettes. By God’s grace, I have quit all three. So my expectation is that I will beat this one too. I could not beat any of them consciously. There was always some external force that triggered it (the end). I’ve already been rock bottom twice. But never from alcohol.
I drink a lot on a daily basis. But I refuse to get drunk or or even tipsy. I don’t like being out of control. I work remotely which exacerbates the problem. Unless you were close enough to smell by breath, you wouldn’t know I was drinking. I’m sure this sounds like denial. But it isn’t. I’m acknowledging that I am a problem drinker.
When I have somewhere that I have to be on business or at church, I don’t drink. Nor do I think about it. Nor do I drink and drive.
I simply enjoy drinking. Unlike cocaine and methamphamines, my alcohol consumption is not a financial burden to my household. I stay in virtual control. If you call me, I will answer. I do not slur. If you need me to resolve your technical issue, I will get it done efficiently, often while sipping on something in the interim.
I currently add intentional obligations into my schedule to give me reasons not to drink. This includes coaching and officiating youth sports. Yes, I can be trusted with youth. I’m not a pedophile. I do not drink around youth or before such events.
With all that said, I’m more concerned with my health than anything else. I exercise regularly and take liver panels with my physicals annually. So far my liver function is normal.
However, I know those days are numbered. I called AA last week to find out where the meetings are. I have an address and the dates available. I’m also posting here to acknowledge my problem. I don’t know what my next move is. I’m in between periods of guilt and planning to cut back as I write this.
I’ve asked God repeatedly to take this thorn out of my side. I believe it will happen in due time. As The Lord has delivered me from the former three addictions I’ve confessed earlier, I believe that he will deliver me from alcohol as well. I also acknowledge that I have a responsibility to do my part.
That is my prayer and expectation. I will stay in control until a solution arises.
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Alfred! Get your butt to a meeting, my friend! You know that this idea that you are handling things and staying in control is only temporary – it always escalates. It can turn on a dime and your life sounds too awesome to throw away! Let’s turn it around!!
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80 days of zero alcohol and counting, after years of alcohol abuse and last few years of compulsive daily drinking with few gaps here and there.
45 days of no tobacco products too after many years of addiction.
Had a couple of quits for few months before but determined to make it through this time because life is of incomparably high quality in each and every respects without alcohol. Period. No words to explain that clearer.
Near end of a 3-week sober vacation. Whereas previous vacations would start, revolve around and end with alcohol, this time I managed to go to gym almost every day and got lighter. Face looks much brighter and tummy narrower.
Everyone on quit, keep it up. Those who are thinking of quitting, stop thinking and welcome to life.
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Beautiful.
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I am in the throws of this right now. I had the repeated of doing good for awhile, telling my wife I would be different this time. I’d hide vodka all over the place and find myself at Safeway at 8:30am getting a new just in case. I didn’t use to be like this. I was a normal weekend wine drinker, occasional glass while cooking. Something changed in me and alcohol started being medicine. I would really like to get back to normal,but after just doing 30 days clean, I totally blew it again. I want to believe in HARM reduction, but maybe total sobriety is needed. I am setting up a meeting with a facility. I went to AA, and not my thing. I a, going to miss wine tasting with my wife.
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Some people had questions about health issues. Well I am an alcoholic, mostly beer, and can relate high blood pressure, sweating profusely, overweightness, insomnia, and depression to alcoholism.
I always want to quit, but never do. I’ve only really just stopped drinking during the week and only skipped a few weekends in the past few years from heavy drinking. But lately I’m back to every night.
It’s not good. We need to take back control of ourselves.
You have the power in your mind.
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I forgot to enter my email address but also wanted to thank you for this blog. It should not make me feel better that others are sharing my pain but I appreciate having the platform to share.
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I started drinking at a young age (15) and found its comfort among others in social situations. I am socially enept but feel I have the intellect to connect with others but have never felt comfortable without a drink. I have quit many times and have drastically reduced my intake over the years. I am a true work horse in every sense of the word and have always seemed to resist my habit for after work. The only bad thing is that after work is for my family….and I know this but I still seem to justify my bad habit. I am 40 now, own a small business and have the drive to do much more but it is still very difficult for me sometimes. My wife is not a drinker (probably a blessing for me) and she wants to understand but gets frustrated with me. My problems are not anything special I know but sometimes I feel that it is hard to find anyone to connect with me and truly understand. Tonight I went to the liquor store to purchase a pint of Jack Daniels ( something I have not done in months), I cracked open the dreaded bottle of vice to smell before I decided not to take the drink. I hate feeling guilty and susceptible to such a thing.
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My first drink was jack Daniels . I think I was 14, and it was before my first school dance. I was so nervous and socially awkward and I had been to a few parties and seen other kids drinking and it seemed like they were having so much fun. Not long into the dance, I was in the bathroom puking my guts up. Weird thing is I don’t remember anyone making that big of a deal about it. That mentality of “kids go through this, they experiment etc.” May have been at play. So I kept drinking – not a lot, but mostly in situations like parties and dances. And I do remember often over drinking, to the point of getting sick. Took me about 30 more years to realize that I simply cannot drink liquor. No problem, that’s when my preference for beer kicked in. I can relax and better pace myself and not get sick, or rarely do. So what I relate to in your post, is that my social awkwardness/shyness is what partly got me started down this path. What developed later, was reliance on alcohol to self medicate after long work week or to enjoy social situations. We get some benefit from drinking or we wouldn’t do it. For me, it helps shut off mental distractions or shut out difficult emotions. Those are the benefits – and for that moment of benefit I’m willing to suffer through rebound anxiety, GI distress, feeling lousy, guilt, secrecy, damage to personal relationships by not being fully present, doing stupid things that put my life and others at risk, like driving a car. I am working on abstinence. The fear of health problems, and guilt around drinking too much or secretly is what is driving me to that direction. It’s day 5 and I have the weekend before me, after a very long and stressful week. It’s gonna be tough, and I hope I can make it through this weekend.
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I’ve written a LOT of posts about weekends. They can trip a lot of people. Plan ahead and you’ll make it through triumphantly! Here’s one: https://unpickledblog.com/2014/09/26/friday-night-osifa/
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Thanks for the ideas- the good news is I’m so pooped the only thing calling my name is sleep or maybe some chocolate cake.
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Thank you so much for this.
I have been very alone, at least in adult terms, and stress has taken its toll, being a single parent who is in abuse recovery and still deals with personal fears and my children’s fears that my ex/their father will just show up (despite legal protections/orders) has taken a toll on me but the guilt around drinking just compounds it.
I am not happy others suffer guilt but it helps comfort me that I am not alone.
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I am a alcoholic who has tried and tried never with help the last 4 times I tried. I did make it 5 months about two years ago with alot of help from aa and friends. But now my wife who married me knowing I drink says its us or the booze I want to do meetings she says rehab. OK everyone who knows me will say I’m a peaceful drunk I come home drink about 9 buds play with the kids eat dinner go to bed work in the morning. She says no beer I quit for a day or two and then I’m sneaking it. Ido worry about having enough to get me thru and would wake up at 8 am and have a drink..I want my family, and to quit drinking but she says if I wanted to quit I would , how do I explain that’s not how it works or is that how it works I feel like I’m a devil for not doing to rehab like she says …help?
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Read what you wrote: repeated failed attempts to stop, ultimatums from spouse, drinking in the morning, hiding booze, drinking in the afternoon, and you do see yourself as an alcoholic. Why are you resistant to rehab? It could be great for you, the missing link since what you have done so far is not working. Are you going to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Are you ready and willing to do what it takes to turn this around and get your life back?
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i am a former heroin addict who lost a dear friend to an OD, and turned to drinking for several years. now i’m fatter, more out of shape, and the most unhealthy i’ve ever felt. tomorrow is the day for me i’ve decided to quit for real… well technically today since it’s 2 am. i have some benzos on hand in case shit gets real but i think this will mostly be a mental battle. not great at those. wish me luck,
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Best of luck to you, Steven. You can do this.
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I was drinking 3 or 4 bottles of wine every week and numerous beers. If cooking, I always opened a bottle of wine. It just seemed to be the right thing to do. The problem was that I drank the entire bottle. If grilling outside, needed beer and more than a couple. I related this to a long time friend, who admitted he did the same thing. We admitted to each other that we drank too much. That was the first time either us had said that to anyone. That was 14 days ago and I haven’t had alcohol since then. I am not sure if just saying it to another person was the catalyst. I now recognize that drinking is similar to smoking. I stopped smoking 23 years ago. There are triggers that are born of years of habits. I saw that when I stopped smoking and am now recognizing the same thing with alcohol. Am I an alcoholic? Could be. I certainly am addicted to alcohol. By the way, I had my first drunk (not spelling error) at age 14 and am now 66. I have no advice to anyone, other than admitting out loud that you drink too much. That admission , at least for me was my first step. Some of these last 14 days have been uncomfortable but I have been able to resist. It is a lonesome journey but I believe it will be worth it. I do enjoy remembering what I did or said the night before, not being tired the next morning and generally feeling a lot better physically and mentally. To all those who have taken the step of recognizing they are drinking too often or too much, and are trying to give up the alcohol habit or addiction, just know others like me are doing the same thing. Peace and best wishes.
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Great job – thank you for sharing your story. Congrats on two weeks – that’s an important milestone. Ps – No need to be lonely! Find your tribe! You’re not alone.
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Thank you for your comments and story. It is very helpful and gives a good, simple way to start – admitting to someone you drink too much. So I drink too much and have been for quite some time. I also appreciate the positives you point out when not drinking-feeling a lot better physically and emotionally. I am on a merry go round of getting through the work week, “relaxing” and drinking on weekends. It’s not relaxing – it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with feelings of being overwhelmed, worried, not being able to organize myself. The alcohol helps to shut out distracting thoughts so I can move forward on what I need to do. Then I drink too much, feel lousy the next day, mostly more anxious than before, and also more recently GI problems. So I drink too much, am worried about my health and want to feel better. I want to get off the merry go round. Today is day 1
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Glad to know that what I wrote might be helping. I am now at day 19. Saturday night we had friends over for cards and I told them I had given up on the beer and the wine. They questioned why. It was a little embarrassing to admit to them the amount and frequency I had been drinking. While embarrassing, I also felt some relief that I could be honest and not hide my habit. They are not habitual drinkers, so I think to them it was not a big deal and the rest of the evening went on as normal except I had no wine. As a final note, I wear a Fitbit and my average heart rate has decreased slowly over the last two weeks from the mid 60 BPM down to mid 50 BPM. My exercise has not radically changed, only my alcohol intake. Lots of walking. Good Luck and I hope you can stay off that not so merry go round. Peace and best wishes
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Wow – takes courage to put the truth out there. Good for you.It is a relief, and have had this conversation Several times in the past with significant other . He becomes aware of my drinking and being secretive about it. Relief to have it in the open. But then the work of not drinking takes practice and support. So I have gotten back to more of this secrecy. Drank 3 or 4 beers and ran out to get more to replace it so he wouldn’t know. Had to throw the emptys in some trash can by the store. Then drank a “normal” two beers with him. Saturday is the most risky time for me so will need a plan this weekend. Very interesting about heart rate decrease. I wonder why that happens with alcohol reduction. Congrats on day 19 and being out in the open!
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I started drinking at a young age (15) and found its comfort among others in social situations. I am socially enept but feel I have the intellect to connect with others but have never felt comfortable without a drink. I have quit many times and have drastically reduced my intake over the years. I am a true work horse in every sense of the word and have always seemed to resist my habit for after work. The only bad thing is that after work is for my family….and I know this but I still seem to justify my bad habit. I am 40 now, own a small business and have the drive to do much more but it is still very difficult for me sometimes. My wife is not a drinker (probably a blessing for me) and she wants to understand but gets frustrated with me. My problems are not anything special I know but sometimes I feel that it is hard to find anyone to connect with me and truly understand. Tonight I went to the liquor store to purchase a pint of Jack Daniels ( something I have not done in months), I cracked open the dreaded bottle of vice to smell before I decided not to take the drink. I hate feeling guilty and susceptible to such a thing.
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Just wanted to keep thread moving… nothing much to say….
It looks like the blog is receiving fewer and fewer comments and even fewer new participants in the last few months… does it mean we have now covered pretty much every boozer out there that is googling about how to quit?
As for me, I have been a regular drinker since college (just a little short of 2 decades now), a high functioning professional now with incredible job (don’t mean to boast but well worthy to do so if it was socially appropriate), have been a moderate to occasionally heavy drinker ever since I started but turned really heavy-drinker in the last few years. Quit last year for 4 months (you will find my comments down here somewhere under same nickname, i think about mid-april 2015) then relapsed with a friend’s visit. Quit again for a few weeks here and there all of 2015. Finally again have taken no drinks since the second week of Dec .. so, its about 60/65 days now. Also quit tobacco for over a month now (was a tobacco addict for 20+ years, quit previously for a year 4 years ago and then for few weeks/months here and there and then finally over a month ago).
This time determined to make it as far as I can….at least a year is what I am thinking of for now as forever is scary (but awesome if I can make it).
I should confess that Its not like I don’t enjoy drinking,,, but like most of you, I forget when to stop it and then all the fun becomes entry point to intense remorse which is definitely not worth the temporary buzz. Inability to stop is the sole reason I am a quit. If I could stop at 2 or 3 drinks, I would not need to quit or would probably better off drinking. But reality is that for me, I am so much better off not drinking at all (have tried moderation – works for a few times or even few months but ultimately I end up finishing up as a daily compulsive drinker sooner tr later), much productive at work, much more active physically, much brighter on the face, thinner in the waist (well.. work in progress), feel the progress day by day… really….who discovered that drug called alcohol? If Heroine or Cocaine were discovered in ancient times of the kings and princes needing buzz, they would be socially acceptable even now. Alcohol is legal just because of the same reason.
Keep posed guys.. your small effort will be motivation for many and we need to keep this blog alive.. just check in even if you have nothing to say…like I had nothing to say and already several lines here…
BDW, I am on vacation and was in a resort with family spending a night yesterday.. was so much missing a drink.. it wasn’t a ‘cant stop drinking’ kind of temptation but ‘it would be nice to have that wine’ kind of feeling. It was not a lot of effort really at the end to resist – ended up running a couple of miles in the resort’s treadmill instead and it was a great feeling of pride in the morning….
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Hi thanks for posting. There is tons of activity on this blog but as time goes on the comments appear more on the newer posts so be sure you subscribe and comment on others topics to stay connected. Happy to hear you got back on track after a wobble and glad to have you with us.
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I’ve never been so ready to stop drinking in my life. I have to stop because I’m seriously scared for my health. But I know everything is going to change.
– The other problem is that I cannot go to AA because I do not believe in god, and some of the “we are different than AA” websites and adverts” look really lame to me.
Does anyone have any ideas? Advice? I like the part about having other people who are going through the same thing to talk to. Are there any online sites like that?
I would really appreciate it. Good luck to you all…
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There are tons of online resources! See my resources link and also search online recovery meetings. And check out the “Recovery 2.0” online webcasts. Podcasts are great too (says the former Bubble Hour cohost!).
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You don’t have to believe in God to join AA. You just have to believe that a source or higher power, something greater than you, can help you get sober. I would encourage you to try AA. It’s been a life-changing experience for me. Best of luck!
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I need to quit drinking today. I needed somewhere to state this. I’m looking for online support, possibly someone to make a pact with. Please reach out, anyone.
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Today is my day five… the first few days were a breeze, i was happy and on top of the world, loving this new clean feeling. Today i am so cranky (maybe PMS related) and i just am annoyed. It’s not so much i want a drink, it’s more that i know i “can’t” or “am not allowed” to cause i supposedly “can’t handle it”. I do think in time i can, just feel my circumstances led me to get into a bad place, where i wasn’t normally. Happy to talk Sue.
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Hi Sue – today is my Day 5 – so i am right there with you. I am alsow looking for online support. I currently still detoxing, and today i am in a cranky mood as a result with this. If you want to message privately, and chat more I would be happy to.
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wow this is a wonderful blog. i’m in my high 20s and ive wanted to quit drinking for awhile. every member of my family and most of my friends drinks alcohol basically every night. its very easy to see nothing wrong with it when everyone around you does the same thing. i drink everynight after work. i dont drink hard liqour just wine 1-2 bottles at a time. literally no one in my life has ever thought anything was wrong with it especially since i have received two raises at my job in the past year. ive been with my boyfriend for a year now. hes 6 years older then me and has never had a sip of alcohol in his life. not because of his parents being alcoholics or anything hes just never seen the point. now that i guess he deeply cares about me the last 6 months he hates if i drink and always tells me. it bothers me because even his family will say to him to stop trying tp control me because they to like drinking with me. anyway i really do want to quit but i just make up excuses. last night i went to my bfs house and made sure i drank enough before i got there to where i would enjoy myself but not resent him for not letting me drink. i probably sound rediculous. its nice to see people have the same thoughts about drinking as me. i thank everyone who posted so that i could read your stories.
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I have totally been there alicia, it is a terrible feeling. I use to make sure i drank enough prior to my bf coming home so that i had “enough” to enjoy my evening, and he would only see me drink 1 to 2 glasses of wine with dinner together. I want to get back to a healthy relationship with alcohol, but i am not sure how/if that is possible which is scary.
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I don’t know which post to respond to. All are like looking in a mirror. I’m a ya ya, wine abuser for years. Stopped for this month, but the clarity I’m feeling has made me realize I have to quit. I was drinking over a bottle a day snd more on weekends. Family history both me and my spouse. He is my drinking buddy but I have several. Friends, neighbors…big happy drinking family. I’ve stopped before for several months. But when we have lots of people over, I become tense and have a couple which of course leads to more. I became really sick of waking in the night sweating, negative thoughts, shame , not to mention looking puffy and bloated. I would sometimes get drunk and go to bed before company even leaves. Because I can have a couple glasses at lunch and stop there, I thought I was just fine. There is my story…so glad to have found all of you. I don’t want to go the AA way. This seems like the next best….after this first month, I see lots of positives. I’m happier but still miss wine, my comfort crutch. I’d love all of your help in being strong and staying sober. Thanks.
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Hello. I’m right there with you. When company was over, I would go in the next room and chug some brandy so I wouldn’t drink 3 glasses of wine in front of the within half an hour.. I think we all have those stories.
I also can’t go the AA way. For one, it never worked for my father (who I never knew passed the age of 14) and the whole “god” thing get’s in the way, plus I don’t believe in some (a lot) of their philosophies…
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Man oh Man, Alcohol is such a Liar. I haven’t had a drink in about a week and now that I’m thinking clear here comes good old faithful telling me its ok “just buy wine”. Friday After work I went to the liquor store right after work to stock up on my goodies.” I mean everyone else was doing it” as I convinced myself. There was a huge line and while waiting I realized I was the only one with 2 bottles and a 6 pack. I still convinced myself they were needed. I mean who gets snowed in and stays sober. Long story short I threw it all in the dumpster of my parking lot before I got into my apartment. I was sober the whole weekend and I didn’t die I feel great actually. I been down this road plenty of time but this time I am actively admitting that I am powerless to alcohol and I am an alcoholic. I used to think I just drink too much or I just get carried away but that not true. I finally ready to face life with the wobbly crutch of alcohol.
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Congratulations Dee! I just finished my first sober weekend, too. 🙂 ~S
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After several stints of sobriety, I finally realized I am an alcoholic, not a “problem drinker”, and feel much more empowered with abstaining. 2 weeks will be 1 year soberversary!
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A little over 10 months. It’s been a bad day … week … year. Many of the recent years have bad. God I don’t want to drink again. Scouring the posts for something to keep me hanging on.
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Hey everyone, I was 6 months sober on Dec 28th and I’m still going strong. For those of you that seem to have made this your new years resolution, stay strong. Like many of you, I don’t remember exactly when I went from causal weekend drinker to everyday can’t wait until I get home from work drinker. I knew I was in a bad place when I would sneak a pint of vodka into work to get through a rough day. It was only rough because of a bad hangover due to the night before and I didn’t know of any other way to make it through the day. I could have gotten caught and my life would have changed drastically as I surely would have been fired, but sometimes I wish I would have gotten caught as it may have been the wake up call I needed. I never got caught. What got me to quit was being caught in the garage with a hidden stash by my wife. She felt betrayed because I had told her over and over I didn’t have a problem. Alcohol was ruining my life, and my family was noticing. I quit that day. It’s been surprisingly easy. The way I’ve kept it going is by reminding myself of all the stupid things I would do. Rotating liquor stores, hiding alcohol, drinking before an event so I wouldn’t have to drink as much at the event and appear to have a problem, etc. Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Those behaviors make me feel ashamed, even today. After 6 months I have no cravings. In fact, the thought of drinking reminds me of how terrible it made me eventually feel, not how good I felt at first. I’m not sure if I will drink again, but I know I have no set end goal for not drinking. I think that’s important. Setting mini goals and stopping for short periods knowing that you’ll eventually have a drink is not a step towards quitting. You’ll come back to it even harder than before and you’ll justify it by thinking you accomplished something by stopping for a month and you’ll tell yourself you can quit whenever you want, but there you are again with a bottle in your hand.
I can honestly say every part of my life is better without alcohol. One of my favorites is how well I sleep now. I used to require alcohol to sleep, but that wasn’t really sleep, just border life passing out. Now I sleep great and wake up actually looking forward to accomplishing something that day, instead of dreading the day and looking forward to my next drink. Quitting saved my life, my marriage, and my family. You can do it too.
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Thanks so much for your story! I can relate on every detail including being stingy with wine and compensating with other alcohol because I didn’t get my full fix. I have been sober all of 2016 – 11 days so far. It hasn’t been easy and I wish I could say that it was getting easier but I am committed. We are too used to easy. Alcohol shuts off the world, and then shuts it off again the next day. Every morning you wake up and count down to that shut off time instead of living. Today I choose to live. Thanks for the inspiration.
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Day 11!
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I’ve been telling saying I have to quit drinking for so long that I’m tired of hearing myself say it. I’m going to call this day 1 of freedom and will be checking back with my progress.
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How have things been going for you? I need today to be my Day 1 (like you stated, I say this every single day).
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Thanks for the support!
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I’m a heavy drinker; maybe an alcoholic. I have been drinking almost every night since 2011, and before that I was certainly a weekend binge drinker going back to HS and college. I drink beer, wine and some hard liquor. I have been feeling quilty and ashamed about drinking as I have been pre gaming family events and social gatherings. My kids are also noticing that I drink- a lot. For the past year, I have even been nipping at the vodka bottle throughout most evenings while I have a drink in hand. Basically, my drinking has been getting exponentially worse. I liked the feeling of being drunk and always had a bottle of vodka in the freezer. I decided that I wanted to see if I could stop. I thought maybe I could just drink on weekends and special occasions. So, I went cold turkey. I made it to day 6 and I came home today (Friday) and drank a few beers. I immediately felt the urge to do shots and get after the high. It scared me! That urge to drink and get hammered settled it. Fortunately, I stopped drinking the beers tonight and drank some tea instead. I know now for sure,I have been reintroduced to myself and I prefer the sober me, the sober experience.
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I’m on day 8 right now and I’m doing far better than my last month hiatus. I survived then but it was all consuming. This time I am forcing myself to embrace the break and not make it a negative experience. I totally understand your feelings though. I am a personal trainer (shocking I know) and I taught a boot camp strength class on Thursday night and when I came home I came so close to grabbing a bottle of wine after my class. This is what I’ve always done to release the stress from having to be “on” for an hour. But saying that I don’t just want “a” glass I still want the whole bottle and the feeling I get from that whole bottle. HUGS to you.
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Thank you for sharing this. It’s frightening to see the power of addiction on display, isn’t it? Simply put, the pleasure/reward circuitry of the brain is altered and dysfunctional. That’s why we do best without any alcohol at all, because it just doesn’t process correctly any more. Thank you for this insight. Keep going and keep sharing!
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Hi everyone! Today is day 180 without a drink. I wish all of you the best in this new year. For all of you thinking about quitting or you for those of you that just quit, stay strong. You can do it.
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Hi Tim! Congrats on SIX MONTHS!!! Thanks for stopping by. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
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I have learned who my true friends are. The friends I used to drink with will not even call or email me anymore. I realized how selfish they are and I was probably like that too when I was drinking. I would rather spend time with my family.
One of the main reasons I quit drinking was to eliminate another variable that might be causing my fatigue. Now that I have quit I know that it wasn’t one of the reasons but I still don’t want to drink anymore.
It was more than beyond time to quit. It was going to catch up to me sooner or later.
Although I am not healthy I do know I am close. By quitting I can truly feel the effects my thyroid was putting my body through. It may have to be removed. I am taking charge of my health. I have been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease which causes hypothyroidism. Even though I am hypo I still lost 30 pounds last year mainly because I quit drinking beer. I drank a lot of beer every day.
Thank you for this blog!
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Thank you. It is well beyond time for me to quit. I have let alcohol rule too much of my life for too long. And I am concerned it is ruining my health, and I do not want it to ruin my relationship as well. It is actually far beyond time. I cannot do this on my own, so I am going to start attending AA tomorrow. I appreciate you sharing on this blog.
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I am literally sobbing reading all the posts, the blog, and the red flags just topped the experience. I go back and forth trying to remember when I went from a very casual/social drinker to a daily polishing off the bottle and then some drinker. I’m so angry at myself for letting something take control of me like this. I am also a distance runner and I am training for a marathon this coming June. Last Fall I gave up alcohol for 40 days (It was supposed to be 36 days but I was doing so well I lengthened it). It didn’t take too long to get into my same habits again. So I am now doing dry January and having that goal to look forward to. Truth is I know what I should do. I should stop drinking altogether. I think by posing these mini “goals” is my way of eventually cutting ties with it. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I feel like my life revolves around alcohol and so do the majority of my relationships. I’m very happy I found this blog.
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Wow, so glad I found this blog. I’m on day 4 this time. 2 years ago I made it 26 days which is the longest I’ve gone without a drink since high school (I’m 54 soon). I really started abusing alcohol 15 years ago. For the past 2 years I’ll take a couple of weeks off, feel good and tell myself it will be okay to have a drink or 2. Well that turned into half a bottle of scotch every night. Then I’d quit again (more realistically, I’d pause).
Your red flags described me to a tee. A big reason I drank so much was to fall asleep. Sleeping has always been hard for me, but even after being treated for sleep apnea, I was still scared to try and sleep without alcohol.
I’m working on a couple of things. I made a list of what triggers me to want to drink and I made a list of the bad effects drinking has on me. I’ve had to major disasters in my life because of drinking, but I’m sure I’ve missed out on a lot of goodness.
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Congratulations on taking this big step. Please keep posting to let us know how you are progressing and what you continue to learn. Sending love and strength. You are doing a heroic thing.
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I’ll bet you do what I do: You hear someone who is quitting, and they are half our ages and it makes you feel worse right? i’ve been drinking longer than some people here have been alive and it really makes me feel bad that I couldn’t stop when I was their age. (I’m 47 btw)
And only now, am I about to take a real step to stop drinking. (I’ve been online for about 5 hours now) But I figure I did the hardest part: Admitting I have a problem, which is something I swore I would never do, because I never wanted to be like my deatbeat dad.
But, enough is enough. I have to quit, and I’ll be happy to support anyone here if they can support right back.
Keep it up.
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I’m still working at it – 65yrs old. It’s not the age – just the life you want today!
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I can totally relate to your blog. Your story is so similar to mine in regards to the “red flags”. Amazing how each of them made me think “hey that sounds like me”. I don’t really know when the everyday drinking began, as I started drinking heavy in my 20’s. Stopped for a year (for spiritual reasons), got influenced by a friend to drink w/ her and after the first drink I started drinking every day again. Then went through a period of having anxiety, the doctor told me alcohol, caffeine, and the daily hot chocolate I was drinking were probably causing it. It freaked me out, as the panic attacks were awful and scary. So I stopped drinking all of the above for almost 2 years. Then, as most, I thought since I hadn’t drank in so long, I would be okay with having a glass of wine. Of course, the day I bought the bottle of wine (expecting to have one glass) I ended up polishing off the bottle, and headed to the store for another.
I couldn’t believe, how again after not drinking for so long my brain/body still needed more than one glass to get the buzz I guess I was looking for (very sad). I would say on that day I was probably around 30 years old or so, and I am now 41 years old. So it’s crazy to say, I guess I have been drinking almost daily for 10+ years. Yikes! I have negotiated drinking, planned to moderate my drinking, changed the type of wine I drank at night to a wine I don’t like as much (hoping to reduce my intake or desire for it), only purchased one bottle in hopes to not have one after work the next day (only to end up at the grocery store each day anyway), joined fitness studios committing to workout in the evening to reduce or stop my drinking (only to attend a few classes and not go back because it interfered with my evening of drinking), telling my BF “don’t let me drink today, I’m doing a cleanse” and then bitting his head off and calling him controlling for doing what I asked him to, and the list goes on.
I too, get upset when company comes over and has the nerve to ask for a glass of wine. How, dare they reduce my over consumption to minus one glass! The nerve of them. And if it looks as if they’re visiting long enough to be offered a second glass, I’m hiding my bottles of wine so they think there’s not much left. I mean, I stocked up didn’t I? Why should I have to go to the store again? lol! Crazy when you hear yourself talk this way over liquor. Today I have made a decision to stop drinking, hence why I am scrolling the internet and this site. Alcohol sucks! It’s a lier, a destroyer, a thief, and aging and memory loss tonic, a relationship destroyer, a dream taker, a brawler, and an enemy that pretends to like you. I could go on, and on forever with the evils of alcohol. I know better, and I’m over waking up every morning spending the an hour feeling bad about myself and how I hate how dry my mouth feels from dehydration and breath taste. Reeking of the wine from the night before. Yuk!! I hate it!!
I drink about 1-2 bottles of wine a night. I would say the average is 1 1/2 bottles. My question is should I be scared to stop? Did you experience symptoms stopping w/out a program after drinking that much per night? I have a close friend who recently stopped and she is 2 years and some months sober. She drank the same (1 -1 1/2 bottles/ night) and is doing great! She loves her life now, and keeps encouraging me to get on board. She says she cries every morning to God about how happy she is now without alcohol in her life. One of my fears was being bored, as I enjoy talking to people when I go to restaurants, having a nice dinner at the bar area and socializing. I also like to travel and have a hard time imagining fun, dancing, etc. without being able to drink, I know it’s a lie, as some of the funnest people I know don’t drink. They seem to have a better time than those of us in the group who do drink. So as I mentioned before alcohol is a liar. Cunning and deceitful, so much to make you think you can’t live w/ out it. When in fact the only thing one should not want to live without are the organs the alcohol is trying to destroy.
Thanks for allowing me to write my thoughts.
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Ditto, and I love these posts.
Also I’m worried about the boredom from not drinking -alcohol is such a liar!-
I started around age 14 with friends on Fridays, to weekly bottles of vodka during college, to 1-2 bottles of wine almost everyday after college.
Today is my day to quit, I’ve ruined toooooo many relationships because of this poison. Now I’m single, alone, and feeling all around shameful. I just ruined a relationship a week ago (she’s in NA, seen my bad signs (binge drinking!!) and realized there’s no way I’m going to be a positive force in her life.
I’ve tried so many different strategies to slow down or stop and none have worked. Switch from wine or vodka (my fav) to beers only – didn’t work – switched from beers to those super sweet breezer or cider because since I’m not a sugar fan I won’t drink as much. That worked for about a month, but if I went anywhere I would just order as much vodka as my body could handle. Moved to a different city, figured I’m not around a bunch of friends so I won’t go out as much. Turns out there’s 3 bars on every block.
Definitely every problem I’ve had in my life the cause was my drinking. Nothing else.
I’ve gone 3-4 weeks here and there, tried moderation but that’s not gonna work for me. Now is my time to quit. One day at a time, recognize the triggers when I’m craving and replace the craving with something else. I’d love to go to rehab but can’t for work reasons, I’m under a contract, and I’m not an aa guy. Now is my time to quit. I’ve had enough.
I wish everyone all the best in your efforts. Reading your posts you all seem like very strong people that are fighting it one way or another.
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I love reading everyone’s stories of recovery. Good and bad! As for me, I’m 8 days sober after 10 yrs of drinking nightly. Mostly beer but anything was welcome. I’m 31 and have had enough. I’ve ruined countless relationship with women and have spent ridiculous amounts of money on alcohol. One day everything hit me all at once. I can either keep living the way I have been or make a change. Staying busy and haven’t had any serious cravings or withdrawal symptoms. Only 8 days in but WOW what a wonderful difference. “It’s not the I have a drinking problem. It’s just that every time I have a problem, it’s because of my drinking” I repeat that all the time. Problems in life happen. It’s how you react to them that matters.
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Christmas will be day 50 for me. This is the longest I’ve gone without a drink since I was in high school and I am now 38. I too have experienced all of the same red flags mentioned above. I’ve always been a heavy weekend drinker but started drinking 5-6 days a week about 6 yrs ago when I moved into a new home. My new neighbor was a daily drinker and we hit it off right away so it wasn’t long before it became normal to come home from work and have 6 to 10 with him every evening. The neighbors moved out a year ago but the routine continued by myself. My wife doesn’t drink so I would just sit in the garage and drink alone until bedtime. I could go on forever listing red flags but I guess the 2 majors for me are having to plan my entire life around drinking and health concerns. Any errands would have to be done as early as possible so that I could hurry up and start drinking. Telling my children no when they ask for rides to friends houses because I am too buzzed to drive. Never inviting my family over because that means I couldn’t drink until they leave,etc. Over the last year I’ve lost weight and just feel run down all the time which is not me at all, I have always been an muscular and energetic. Multiple people have questioned my weight loss and a neighbor even asked if I was sick. This totally scared the crap out of me so I decided to stop. I originally thought it would be a 2 week break and then I would moderate but I quickly realized that I have to be done forever. Surprisingly it got much easier after the 2 weeks and now I honestly can say with some confidence that I am seriously quitting drinking. I began seeing a GP and had blood drawn earlier this week to make sure that my health is in order or to start fixing anything that may be wrong. Going to the dr was probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do, I’ve been terrified of what I might find but I have to be around for my wife and kids so it was time to suck it up. I will follow up with the results since that is something missing from most blogs. Many people say they are going to dr but then never reply again. Thanks for providing this opportunity to say all this and to read the many stories from other in the same boat.
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Tired,
After getting out of detox I had to wait 6 months for a follow-up physical. Having my blood drawn was scaring the crap out of me. One of more devious things I did was alter my liver levels one time on my results. I had a friend in the biz who told me what acceptable enzyme levels were and “photo copied” the results with new numbers to show my wife. Talk about being a lying drunk! When the office called to give the results the nurse said everything was positive.
“That can’t be right”
Sir, your results are good.
“What about my liver?”
Normal
“CHECK IT AGAIN!!!”
I really dodged a bullet after the abuse I gave my body. Like so many I had a craving for sugar, all the deserts I passed up are fair game now. But if a side effect of abstaining is weight gain, well, I can live with that.
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Just hit the 18 month mark since I had my last drink. After 5 days of detox and 30 outpatient sessions I grew weary of the AA rhetoric. I never got a sponsor or joined a home group, it just seemed like a cult to me. So many people blaming others for their addiction, just got tired of hearing it. No doubt I’ll be called a dry drunk. Good luck to all of you trying to kick the habit. And if AA works for you, do it.
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I’m in the same boat as everyone else on this site. I’m not ready to say it out loud to my partner yet and frankly, I think he too has times when he drinks too much. I’m giving it a shot. I am trying to channel the last time I kicked something bad for me…cigarettes. I chose running over smoking. I am not supposed to run anymore and though I have always been a fairly fit person, I have developed Hashimoto’s and gained the about 20 pounds associated with hypothyroidism. I might never lose it and I’ve never been this large but I am going to try to leverage out of the drinking habit and back into the gym at night versus day time.
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3 days. Its been tough. I changed some routines and that’s helpful. This morning I woke up and could see a noticeable difference around my eyes. As a 45 year old woman, I have some bags under my eyes that after drinking bottle of wine a night would turn into luggage. This morning I noticed the swelling has gone down a lot! I look better, in only 3 days! It sounds superficial but its helping me. I also started using teeth whitening strips. Its these little improvements that are keeping me straight.
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hi, ive read that milk thistle supplement can speed up a recovering liver by 3 x …
do you have any info on this ?
personally i believe that if you try and cheat mother nature like say with steroids,
you gain at one end and lose something at the other ..
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I decided to quit on Sunday its my second time, the first was 4 years ago when after 6 months I managed to convince myself I could drink in moderation… big mistake. This time I know that It has to be for good. After 30 years of drinking I just dont want it in my life any more. Used to beleive it was my best friend but now know its my worst enemy. I know its going to be tough and if Im honest Im scared that life will seem pointless without the booze, but thankfully because of my previous experience with quiting I now know that is rubbish I just cant ever let my guard down and think its ok to start again.
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I didn’t start drinking until about 15 years ago (I am now in my 70’s). I became really good at it, had a few hangovers, but not that many, was drinking a bottle of wine a night, sometimes more with company, until recently I had an experience which shocked me into giving up completely. Next morning found red wine stains all over my clothes and didn’t remember how they got there, a blackout experience, I believe. It is now 7 weeks without drinking and I have to say I have hit a rough patch. Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and I do not feel so alone anymore. I certainly do not feel tempted to drink again, but I do miss my friend the bottle of red wine!!!!! However, I am sleeping better, I feel heaps better, think I look better too, but it is not an easy path. All the best to you all. Thank you so much for your posts.
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hi, im on day 7 . i still feel pretty horrible , i know i cant just be a heavy drinker for 5 years and expect it to happen so quickly . i would really like someone who was a 5 o clock heavy drinker for a good 5 years to tell me how long after they stopped did they feel somewhat normal again . thx
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Hi New Start, be patient with yourself because it can take a few weeks. Considering how long we spent mistreating our bodies, the healing is miraculously short in comparison. Here is some pretty basic info on withdrawal from webMD http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/alcohol-withdrawal-symptoms-treatments – there is lots of good out there if you search a bit. Lots of self care and most importantly, don’t give up! If you read comments on this blog from people who have relapsed, quitting again can be harder so better to stay the course.
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on some level ive been gearing up to quit for months , just kept putting it off .
great forum ? blog … whatever these are called . it really helps ,, keep up the good work .
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I QUIT!!! I cannot keep doing this to myself . I’ve quit before but due to some trouble in my marriage I started up again . At first It seemed like I had it under control a beer here or there that of course it escalated and all of I sudden I didn’t , and it was 2 six packs and shots. All of my old habits are back the binge drinking the hiding of Alcohol the lying . I hide my drinking pretty well which is a problem . I drink home alone so no one knows. I am finally accepting that fact the I have no control over alcohol. I don’t like the person I become when I start drinking. I used the long holiday weekend to drink obsessively . I stopped drinking yesterday and today I have the shakes . I threw everything out this morning and I don’t plan on stepping a foot in a liquor store again. I know now what needs to me done. I need to make some major changes in my life . I want my Life back and it starts now. My game plan is to attend AA tonight .
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Any words of advice to someone who is struggling to find sobriety when their spouse keeps bringing alcohol into the house?
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Hi JDB, getting sober is hard work under the best of conditions. It becomes extremely difficult for anyone living with someone who undermines their efforts or just doesn’t respect their sobriety.
My first suggestion would be to be sure to get some support, because if a spouse won’t (or can’t) be supportive, then it needs to come from somewhere else. This support can be found in recovery meetings – in this case I’d suggest that in-person would be better than online meetings.
Second, have a really honest conversation and ask for what is needed (boundaries regarding alcohol usage at home and elsewhere).
Also, if the spouse is bringing booze home because he/she also has addiction issues, then AlAnon can be very helpful – the person in recovery should be going to both recovery meetings and al-anon to build the network of support and understanding.
Do any of these considerations seem possible?
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I have the same problem. I stopped buying alcohol & don’t think I’d be drinking daily if I wasn’t staying w/ an alcoholic who keeps booze on hand at all times that I have access to. I can’t seem to stop or control it having accessibility at arms reach. They have no desire to quit so this poses a huge problem for me. My anxiety & drinking prevents me from trying out AA so I’m trying to find online help 1st. I’m desperate.
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Thank you for your blog. I am only three days sober. Your red flags list was mine to a T. I had been sneaking alcohol in the privacy of my bedroom for a few years and thought I was so clever. Wednesday night I drank (chugged, actually) two BOTTLES of wine and then though I’d be able to come downstairs and watch television with my husband and no one would be the wiser. I ended up not remembering most of the evening and waking up on the couch the next morning. We’d been here before, but this time I didn’t try to come up with some excuse or blatant lie. I just confessed everything. How I’d been sneaking booze into the house and drinking it quickly, right after work, so I could sail through the evening with a nice buzz. I told my husband everything and the next thing I did was send an email to seven of my dearest friends telling them much the same things. I am new to this, but I swear that confession probably saved my life. I’ve never done such a thing in the past. Now I have to own my problem. My friends and husband have been incredibly supportive. I’ve had no desire at all to drink but I’m not so naive to think there won’t be tough days ahead. I’m looking at different recovery and support groups and figuring out the best path ahead for me. I need an online community like this one, so thank you.
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The first few days are so precious, fragile, scary yet wonderful. Be very gentle with yourself and take this as seriously as necessary to protect yourself. You’re doing something heroic here – a pivotal time in your life. Good for you for reaching out and talking honestly with the important people in your life. Make them hold you accountable. Encourage them to read and learn about recovery. Listen to podcasts, engage with other people in recovery. Knowledge is power, and connections with others who understand will give you strength. Great job on making those hard changes!
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Thanks so much for writing this blog. Today I’m 7 months sober and have been looking for something to supplement my meetings. Those red flags we pretty much mine to a T! I’m grateful to be at a place where I can laugh at how I’d get pissed when my wife offered “my booze” to a guess. I’m looking forward to reading more. Thanks again!
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Congratulations! You should definitely be celebrating that milestone. 7 cupcakes? 7 banana splits? Glad you’re here!
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I enjoy your article because you admit to failing quitting drinking however you did not give up. And rather than people feeling anxiety about feeling like a failure because they drank again, you show that it’s a process and if we keep trying and support ourselves through services or online support, etc… and we TRULY want alcohol out of our lives -we learn its a journey, a process that does not happen over night. It’s growth and with support each day gets better. So thank you.
The thought of quitting drinking gives me anxiety and makes me want to drink. Sounds ridiculous but I know people understand.
However the thought of quitting drinking to be a process, makes the anxiety go away. The burden is lifted and a positive thought of willingness to change seems realistic and possible. There is hope. Healthy lifestyle is important to me.
It’s hard to find support though. The TTM sounds great, but who offers that support? I’ve been in the AA model. I really don’t care for it much. I found myself resenting being there as much as they told us we had to be in order to stay sober. I didn’t care for that to be my new ‘lifestyle’ and that’s what they seemed to pressure you into if you wanted sobriety. I know it helps a lot of people and they have a lot of good stuff. Just wasn’t my cup of tea.
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I’m excited to have found this blog. I’m on my second day sober and
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Sorry, I pressed submit too soon!
I’m pleased to be here. I’m trying to remain mindful of why I’m here and embarking on this journey and this blog helps 🙂
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Welcome! Please post updates so we can cheer you on. You’re doing a wonderful thing!
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im a forty year old single parent of three children. My mother died an alcoholic aged 53 and my dad died of alcohol induced demetia at 78. (there was a 25 year age gap between them). People often said did it not put you off drinking both parents dying from alcohol and I would always say no.But at this point in my life i am scared as I have felt in the past three years alcohol has been controlling me. I stopped drinking seven days ago after going out on a Saturday evening experiencing a six hour blackout and apparently keyed my ex partners car. He contacted me to say he was thining of rining the police and at that moment I had a massive wakeup call that my life was gettting more and more out of control. Physically I have felt so unwell as I went from drinking wine at the weekends to daily and almost consuming two bottles per evening. Once I start i cannot stop until i run out of alc0hol and my tolerance has developed so I could just see a slippery slope. Looking back through my drinking history i can begin to stand back and think you have had a problem with it for years. Arrested for drunk and disorderly three times not charged thankfully but a humiliating experience, hurrendous blackouts. I stopped being a social drinker and became a secret lonely drinker, hiding wine bottles not knowing where they were the next day. I have been reading these blogs for encouragement and support and to feel like I am not alone.
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Hi there, it sounds like you are really hurting and are ready for better days. It’s possible. It’s hard. And it’s totally worth it. You are definitely not alone. Tons of us are cheering for you!
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I just found this blog this morning. I am in very much the same situation. I am married to a wonderful man and have an adorable 2-year old boy. I was able to quit drinking for 11 months beginning before I was pregnant with him and ending after he was born. I used to be so bad that I would have a water bottle of vodka at my desk at my last job. After my son was born, a family gathering on the Fourth of July came along and I convinced myself I could have a couple of drinks. I only had two, but that was the slippery slope. Now I’m back to drinking at work, hiding bottles of wine (and often not remembering where I hid them). I don’t know if my husband knows or not. We both just quit smoking and we are on week six, so I know if I can quit that, I can do the same with alcohol. On Saturday (Halloween), we fought the entire day about the stupidest things (because I was drunk). It was so bad that my husband, who is normally very passive, was screaming at me and he later asked me why I thought we were fighting so much recently. I knew the answer and I think he suspected it, too. This has to end. To top it all off, after a couple of heavy drinking sessions recently, one of which being Saturday, I will be horribly nauseous the next day and I’m starting to have pains around the area of my liver. I’m really scared. I know I cannot be a social, moderate drinker- the past has proven that. I just don’t know how to quit and I know mine stems from horrible anxiety which is, again, a vicious cycle with alcohol involved. I’m determined to stick with it this time, mainly for my health and family. Thanks so much for this blog.
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You have been carrying a heavy load and I am glad you are here to find some support. What you describe is alcoholic behaviour – drinking at work, hiding alcohol – these are significant indicators that alcohol is driving your decision making. You know this, even though it is hard to accept. You are so right about the relationship between alcohol and anxiety – at first it seems to work as a self-medication tool but in the long run it makes everything worse. I encourage you to have a few honest conversations – consider telling your husband about your hidden behaviours and ask him to support your plans to stop. There are many options available to you – rehab, out-patient programs, recovery meetings, online programs. You could also talk to your doctor and discuss medication that might help you stop drinking and also to deal with your anxiety (and perhaps depression?) – please know it is absolutely crucial that you tell your dr the truth about how much you drink if you are planning to take any other medication. Sometimes when people get a few days or weeks sober, they feel so good that they think they can go back to drinking and moderate. It rarely works out, and quitting the next time gets harder and harder. So please lock on to the knowledge that living completely alcohol free is the best option for those of us who experience addiction, and lock onto it. You can do this, and you are a hero for being willing to make this change.
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I am 36 years old, recently married. We have been together for 10 years, met while working on cruise ships. My 20”s were a blur, drinking and partying! This seemed normal but my boyfriend, now husband started to show his concern when I was 28ish.
I started leading a healthier life, got over the drinking every other night, took awhile but I also got over the urge to drink every Friday night.
Things got better, it was only once a month I would have too much, he would not speak to me and after 3 days of hating myself I had to prove to him I would change.
After 10 years, this now happens only 2 – 3 times per year. Better but still not good enough for him and he just threaten to leave.
We have been to counselling, I have tried groups, I have been sober for 5 months and since then can go for several months and just keep it to 2-3 drinks, once or twice a month. I rarely go out which helps, I follow this rule 7 out of 10 times a year. Most often when he is not with me.
I start with good intentions and then I say, just one more… And in and on.
I don’t want us to separate, I feel like this is the same problem my mom faced with my dad’s drinking. I am recreating exactly what I wanted to avoid in my marriage, and it is all my fault.
3 days ago I took my work team out for a holiday activity, followed by drinks and appies. Thought I would be home by 7 but it was 10. Had great reasons in my head for staying longer but hate myself now. My husband told me if this happens again he will move out. I have now commited to stop drinking for 6 months..
Things on my mind:
What do I say to people at Work, family over holidays…
I know I can do it but will this make the difference forever?
Who am I doing this for?
I want to be healthier
I don’t want to be like my parents.
I want my husband to love me.
I want to have kids one day soon.
How am I fun when I don’t drink?
I have concern for not drinking for some time, my problem is when I have 2 or more , 3 /10 times I won’t stop.
How do I do this and be successful?
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Big hugs to you. You can do this.
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Alcoholism breaks people up an drives family apart. Just like any addiction, it comes first to even family, loved ones and important things like work and school. I had a colleague who will sneak out at midday to get alcohol in their system and will return to work all giggly thinking it’s funny to be drunk in the afternoon. It also one of the reasons why couples fight and break up. I have a friend whose husband will come home in a drunk stupor. The husband is so drunk and stinking of alcohol that she would literally kick him off the bed and he will wake up in the morning wondering why he is sleeping on the floor. Other alcoholics get violent and become axe-wielding gladiators pissed at the world at large. There is nothing cool about alcohol or alcoholics. It is a disease so get it cured ASAP. NO MORE EXCUSES.
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Thanks for the helpful comment. It’s definitely as easy as you say it is, and you certainly have nothing to be ashamed of in your life, so you are someone for us all to aspire to be!
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Hi Sam, thanks for stopping by. I know it can be confusing for people who have not experienced addiction to understand why the heck people don’t just fix the problem. The solution is so obvious, right?
What is hard to understand is that addiction changes how our brains work, so that our thinking becomes scrambled. Most addicts and alcoholics aren’t having fun at all, they have to use or drink just to feel normal, just to function.The re-wired brain no longer sees the obvious truth quite so clearly, and this makes it very hard for people to see that the drugs or alcohol are the problem, because their brain is sending them mixed up messages. This is why we make such a big deal about each and every person who finds their way out of addiction, because it is a battle against a mind that is convinced a hit is absolutely necessary,
The brain sort of starts to see drugs/alcohol as necessary in the same way that a healthy brain regards water, food, or oxygen. You know that panic-y feeling that happens when you are in a small stuffy space and feel like you can’t breath? Or when you’re stuck in traffic and have to pee? That is a teeny bit like the panic and discomfort that starts to overtake the mind and body for one addicted to something when they try to go without it – it is a terrible feeling.
So yes, I agree with you that alcoholism isn’t cool – it has awful consequences for many many people. It kills people and destroys lives, you are absolutely right. But please know that people with addiction are hurting and struggling, and that the simple solution is still a long and difficult road…although one very much worth the effort.
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Hello….I found this blog about 8 months ago and love it…..I then went 48 days sober ….had a big weekend coming up and said well I’ll only have a couple…I can drink in moderation ….well it didn’t take long before I was back to everyday …..well it’s been six months now with that same old lifestyle and couldn’t control it….I have been 7 days sober this time around…..should have never picked the bottle up again……I think it’s harder this time around for me but I’m gonna do this and it is encouraging that I am not alone in this fight…. The struggle is real and so is my determination to stay sober….
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Thank you for posting this, Bobbi. May your experience spare others from going the same route! I hear from so many with similar experiences – it just isn’t worth it, is it? Thank you for reminding us to keep it simple and stick to living alcohol free. In the long run it offers the most peace.
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Thank you for sharing. I have stubbled across this blog after typing in “stuggling quitting alcohol “. I am at day 3 dry. It is 6.17pm and I am fighting within my head. I am depressed, have no desire to do anything else but drown my own misery. I am not sure what rock bottom is, I just know I dont want to experience it.
Last Wednesday night I had one of my sessions. This happens maybe twice a week where I drink 3 bottles of wine in about 7 hours. I am not in control of my behavior. After a session I will drink 1-2 bottles daily but 3 sends me into a state that i have no control. One year ago I took up smoking again after wuitting for the last 10 years.
Last Wednesday I hooked up my new credit card to an online gambling site and proceeded to spend. I started to chase my loses and spent thousands of dollars. When I woke up I could recall playing the slot but had no recall of the amount. The shame, the dispear, the feeling of hopelessness. I wanted to run, I wanted to never face up to my mind blowing mistake. After I told my husband what I had done the night before he asked if I would have done the same thing if I was sober. That answer is NO! No way on this earth would I have made such a monumental mistake.
I have been seeking treatment and I guess I know I have been trying to stop drinking for 9 years now, but each year it escalates. And with this story I have not hit rock bottom because after 2 days of remorse all I can think about is drink.
I can identify with every red flag. Alcohol is every where. I hold a repectful job and I am an active community member.
I feel that alcohol is a best friend. It affects me in positve ways an in negative ways that I have no contorl over. I have chosen to be with that best friend over my loved ones. Seems silly but I am mourning the loss of that best friend even though I know my life will be better without it.
Just to get that off my chest has eased my selfish thoughts. Thank you for proving an outlet to anonymously share.
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Oh AJ, I wish I could give you a hug. Alcohol is so deceptive – it seems like a best friend when in truth it is a killer who wants to ruin lives. That sounds dramatic but 3 bottles of wine in 7 hours is a recipe for an early grave, sweet friend. Please can we spare you this fate?! This supposed friend of yours took you gambling and stole from you. It is even stealing you from your family.
And yet….the grief you feel is completely normal. Break up with that toxic friend, you know you will be better off in the long run. Part of the sadness we feel when we leave wine behind comes from the distorted thinking that is caused by addiction itself – our rewired brains believe that we NEED that booze. But we don’t, it is a lie.
There is so much help available to you. From the amounts you say you are drinking, you should be considering a medically supervised detox – please know that alcohol withdrawal can be deadly and you must take steps to be informed about your safety. Rehab, outpatient treatment, recovery programs, support groups – make use of all of it my friend because you are fighting for your life here!
Be gentle with yourself and be fierce with this disease!
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Just wanted to stop in and thank you, again, for this blog and the list above. I’m only on day 48, but I feel wonderful, alive, and happy again. My anxiety and depression are so much more manageable, and no more morning after shame. I’m sure I have some tough times that will come my way, but reading this blog, and others’ comments/suggestions/stories has really helped me feel that I’m not alone, and has given me the extra support I needed. This list just clicked with me for some reason, and gave me the push I needed to make this leap. Thank you so much.
I keep checking back in to read others posts. I wish I also had magic words to help soothe and guide, but I’m new at this, myself. All I can say is, I understand, you are not alone, and there is a light in the darkness. There are others who understand, and listen without judging. Big hugs and best wishes to you all.
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Hurray for 48 (49! 50!!!) days. Good for you. Thanks for sharing your experience and words of encouragement for those who are struggling. It makes a difference. Glad you’re here. Ps how will you celebrate day 50 tomorrow? Something special I hope 🙂
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Just came back to re-read and check in. I don’t think I did anything special to celebrate, but waking up feeling great and not worried about “the night before” is definitely celebration enough for me! Day 110 now. This blog has changed my life so far. You are helping so many people with your words, experiences, and encouragement. We all really appreciate it. For me, it all started with this post, and I can’t help coming back to read it, and remember. Thanks again.
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Hi Everyone,
So I’m brand new around here. I understand everyone is busy and even without a response, I’m really grateful to have an avenue to get my feelings out. Sometimes it just feels much more real to get it down on paper – or keyboard in this case.
I guess I should start by saying that my problem is still in it’s developmental stage. I’m just 22 years young and have had the ‘pleasure’ of growing up in Gen Y. Unfortunately for me this means that it is entirely normal to be ‘legless’ at least 2-3 times a week. How binge drinking has become such a necessary and normal part of everyday life, I haven’t a clue!
I began to notice a problem when my blackouts became so severe that I would lose an entire night of memory during a bad spell. Now to be more specific, I drink maybe 3 times max a week, almost never feel the need to drink on my own (crisis’s not included) and can enjoy 1 or 2 beers at the end of a work day without feeling the need to over do it. There would be many people that would be quick to say that I don’t have a problem, but I certainly disagree. Maybe once every few weeks, or even months, I seem to take my enthusiasm for alcohol too far and find myself in dangerous territory. Like any youngen finding their feet (and tolerance) I’ve had my fair share of humiliations, blackouts and morning panics of where I am, how I got home and what on earth I did the night before. It’s when this becomes a habit that I don’t seem to be learning from that I begin to worry. What concerns me the most is that something as serious as this is so quickly dismissed by others as ‘young mistakes’ and followed by an explanation of how everyone has once been there. To me, that is no longer good enough.
A little background on my upbringing, I was fortunate to be taken from a bad situation by my father when I was an infant, and he then raised me on his own. For this I will be eternally grateful. Unfortunately however for him, his mother had an issue with alcohol her entire life, and this was eventually the reason for her demise at far too young an age. I guess that’s not something that leaves a young man of 16 and it became a shadow that follows my father to this day. As a child I never picked up on the signs, because I knew nothing different, and this is something that really sticks with me now. How did I not pick up on my inappropriate drinking habits earlier? I simply didn’t know what to look for. Now when I look back on my last 2 months of drinking I find it difficult to remember a time that my mind hadn’t gone foggy on details or my lack of focus hasn’t effected my life. It’s finally time to make some serious changes, which is why I am here.
I don’t have high expectations and I worry about my ability to simply say ‘no’, particularly when I am met with the inevitable shocked looks from fellow drinkers when they realise I’m not there to participate. I mentioned earlier that my problem is in it’s ‘developmental stage’ and this is because I am now taking the first real step in the right direction, which I hope will serve as a reminder for the day that I made the decision to enhance my life for the better. Hopefully with this I can find the strength within myself to be confident in my abilities to accomplish anything at all I set my mind to, and to quash this negativity that is trying to guide my life.
I am eternally grateful for your time…
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Hi Anita, thank you for sharing your story. Please keep coming back and writing – we all learn from each other. I want to share with you that there are many people your age who find themselves addicted (and also who people may not take seriously because of their age) — don’t be discouraged! You are not alone. My own father quit drinking when he was just 23 and next month he will celebrate 56 YEARS of sobriety! What would really help you would be to connect with some other people your age who are in the same boat. Partly so that you’d have people to hang out with who are doing something besides drinking, and partly because it feels GREAT to be among others who understand your experience. You are very wise to have recognized that things have gone off-course. What you choose going forward will have lasting impact on your life. I am so impressed! Thank you for standing among us.
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Something flipped in me this weekend. I don’t know how to explain it, but a switch flipped in my head. Maybe I’m being ignorant, but I’ve never felt physically addicted to alcohol but instead emotionally and psychologically. My drinking ramped up over a number of years and seemed to make jumps with extraordinary events in my life – infertility issues, then a premature child, and some health concerns. Not sure when it happened, but it became rare that I would go a night without drinking. Until the end, I would occasionally have a night here or there – but maybe just 2 or 3 times a month.
And the amounts increased, especially over the last 18 months. It was nothing for me to have a bottle of wine, maybe a bottle and a half, in an evening. Nothing to take down 4-5 pints of high alcohol content beer (8-12 % ABV). I had to have it, just to feel the buzz I needed. Rarely dealt with hangovers, didn’t typically get noticeably drunk, knew my limits so well that my wife didn’t normally know I was drunk or had been drinking at all unless she smelled my breath.
This isn’t the worst case of alcoholism you’ve ever heard, probably not anywhere remotely close. But I’ve gained weight. My blood pressure is high. I know I’m not healthy. And with a preschool-aged son in the house, I want to be there for his big moments into adulthood.
These are the internal conversations I’ve been having with myself over the last couple months. Yet I wasn’t able to stop.
Then, this weekend. I was on the road for business, and as soon as I arrived I bought 3 liters of wine and 2 six-packs of beer for my hotel room. The first night, hit the wine hard. But I woke up on Friday with a fast heart rate and general anxiety. I did my work fine, but I had some feelings of unease. And what was weird, I didn’t want to drink. All day. And that night. I’m not saying I was fighting those feelings. I’m saying I legitimately didn’t have those feelings, craving the alcohol. I went to bed early and slept 11 hours. Didn’t drink Saturday either. I’m sitting there on Sunday after working and feeling bad that I still had 2 liters of wine left and most of the beer. So I drank out of almost feeling like I should, as to not waste the money. Didn’t finish the wine or even touch the beer.
So then I didn’t drink Monday when I got back home. But was feeling dizzy and super hungry. Occasionally it would feel like my heart was racing. That continued into Tuesday, no drinks. Then on Wednesday, after leaving work early and eating a bunch of food, I felt better. I actually had two glasses of wine as well to help with the hunger, as I just couldn’t get it to go away. But it wasn’t out of the desire to drink.
Yesterday I was out to eat after work with my wife and kid. My wife got a beer. I got….iced tea. Wife was shocked, asked if I was feeling okay. I didn’t elaborate and didn’t drink last night. I finally told her more of this this morning, without getting into the fact that I was drinking way more than she knew.
I still feel no desire to drink right now, on Friday afternoon. We are hanging out with friends tonight, and I may have a beer out of obligation, but a low ABV one. That’s it. I would actually prefer not to have anything.
I have no idea how a switch can flip in my head like this. Perhaps the internal conversations mixed with such a horrible heart-racing feeling was my version of hitting rock bottom. I have no idea. I’m really glad that I feel differently now, and think differently, realizing it’s very early in the process.
I’m hungry almost all the time. Considering how much sugar and calories I was consuming daily in alcohol, it’s no wonder. That’s actually the hardest part for me. I guess I’ll just eat more for now if I have to.
I hope this account helps a few people. I don’t feel there are enough accounts out there like this one, where you know you’re doing it too much, but it’s not maybe a crazy amount. But look, that’s exactly where I was headed. It was going to get worse. And I was going to die early. We all still have the opportunity to change where we’re headed. Thanks for letting me share my story.
Then
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Thank you for this and your experience is not strange at all! Your reaction is spot on so if your addiction starts whispering to you “I wasn’t that bad, I didn’t hit a bottom, I can probably drink again” come back and read your words here and remember that you clearly saw your future and it was not where you wanted to go. My moment of clarity was very similar – I didn’t have a bottom just a sudden certainty that drinking as much as I was every single day was just too much and not being able to cut back or control it was a HUGE red flag. Bottom was looming, even if it wasn’t visible. We are lucky we avoided it, but it can trick us into relapse by not having a horror story to motivate us to maintain. We have to keep working for it, so know that your life will only be better without alcohol. Your health, relationships, emotions, looks, everything — it is all better without alcohol! Yay for you!
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Hello all. It has been a while since I have posted on here mainly because I fell back into old patterns. The last time I posted I was going on vacation and I was over 70 days without a drink. That was at the end of June. I ended up caving in and I drank through out the entire vacation. I got back from vacation and quit yet again. Today is day 100 which is by far the longest I have ever gone without a drink in my hand. I am finally at the point of telling myself that I can no longer drink no matter the situation. It honestly feels good to make it this far and I am looking forward to the next milestone.
To all of you newbies on here, keep on fighting even if you slip up. You can and will conquer this problem. The fact that you posted on here shows that you are seriously thinking about your drinking. Stay strong!
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So last Saturday was my rock bottom . I went to a nice dinner with friends and besides my better judgement I drank entirely too much wine . Everything is a blur after that’s all I know is a attempted to drive home i pulled over because I thought I saw strobe lights . I parked my car turned of the car entirely off and processed to hide in my car ( why ) after a while I realized that it was just a cop car directing traffic & decided to drive home . How I made it home I have no clue . I’m so disgusted with myself I could have hurt someone . So naturally I spent the whole Sunday drinking ( my thought process with I’m home I’m not driving ) heavy sigh . I am going to an AA meeting as soon as I get out of work . I can’t do this to myself anymore . No one should live like this . Saturday was a Alarm of a wake up call for me . I’ve had my fair share of trouble due to drinking I can’t afford any more .
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Alexa,
Thankfully no one including yourself was hurt that night. Making the decision to stop drinking is not hard. Following thru is tough. It seems like your brain will rationalize why you should drink with the best lies ever told. You just have to get stubborn enough not to listen. Focus on all the positives of not drinking. My biggest has been sleeping 8-9 hours without waking up to use the bathroom and drinking a ton of water for my cotton mouth four times a night. The first three days were a bitch period. I respect my disease so I have changed my patterns to avoid triggers and temptation. Admit to being weak and pray for strength. Christ is faithful. If you slip, don’t stop quitting. You can so do this!!
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I just found this blog. All I can think about right now is having a drink. I have been drinking heavily for over a year. To begin with I would drink a few shots of vodka or gin. Everyday after work that’s what I was looking forward to. Then I started drinking more and more, hiding my bottles and drinking secretly. I started having blackouts. I got to a point that my tummy was hurting everyday and felt like crap all day at work. One night I had drunk a lot and went to bed to wake up in the middle of the night to drink some water. i ended up blacking out and fell face down onto the kitchen floor. I cut my lip and hurt my nose, luckily I didn’t break it and I didn’t fall on the broken glass.I decided to stop drinking the next morning. I did for a few months, then started drinking again. Cant remember why or how it started. But I started with just a glass of wine, telling myself that at least it’s not as bad as the hard liquor. Gradually, it’s gone from one glass, to two and for the past three weeks I’ve been drinking a whole bottle a night. On Saturday I woke up and was desperate to start drinking early. Normally I start in the evenings at dinner time but this Saturday I went out to town and bought a bottle which I took into the ladies changing rooms and drunk a quarter of it. I mixed another quarter into a coke bottle so I could carry on drinking while I was out shopping. When I got home I managed to pretend sobriety as my husband and daughter didn’t notice. I carried on drinking but didn’t pass out like I usually do at night. Maybe because I drank the rest slowly, I don’t know. Later, at night my husband was going out for meal with his brother and was picking up some groceries from the store before coming home. He asked me if I wanted anything and yup I asked for a bottle of wine. I promised myself I would only have a glass but ended up drinking the whole bottle before going to bed. I drank the last half straight from the bottle,had some alka seltzer, brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. In the morning my tummy hurt and I had diarrhoea. I felt really bad, promised myself I won’t drink but by the evening I had found an excuse to go and buy another bottle. I drank the lot. Today I woke up feeling even worse but had to go to work. All day I felt awful, tired, achy, basically one of the worst hangovers I’ve had in a long time. I promised myself again that I won’t drink today. After work I was arguing with myself in my head to not stop for a bottle, I didn’t. I came home, showered and put my pyjamas on so I won’t go out again. I’ve had my dinner without alcohol today. I felt like I needed something else so I’ve had some tea and biscuits but I just want a drink. I’m typing this and thinking about changing into my jeans and quickly getting to the store before it closes. But I don’t want to as well, does that make sense? I need some help but can’t tell anyone I know. what should I do? How can I stop myself from getting drunk again? I’m typing this to delay myself as I know the shop near will be closing in half an hour and maybe I won’t get in the car and go further to buy some. So on one hand I’m trying not to go out and on the other hand I’m telling myself I should quit typing and hurry to the shop or I’ll regret it later when all the shops are closed and I’ve got no drink. i’ve got work tomorrow so I shouldn’t drink but I really badly want to feel that tingly relaxed feeling I get. If I could just stop after that and not carry on till I pass out. I don’t know what to do anymore and how i got like this. I never used to drink at all and now it’s all I think about.
DD
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Hi DD,
It sounds like you are bottoming out – which (believe it or not) is actually a good thing. Can you see the absolute and utter powerless that you have over drinking? I would encourage you to attend AA if you have never done so before. Additionally, for me – I had to come to the feet of the cross and repent as I felt so spiritually broken (I’m a Christian – but realize that the 200 million plus Hindu Gods are fair game too – not to mention Buddhism). From there it is a matter of turning it over to God. You are actually on holy ground. Christ came to heal the sick, the captive…. I certainly was captive by alcohol and sick. Very sick. I was a “relapser extraordinaire.” I’m close to a month of sobriety and I feel my spirit beginning to soar….Join me, my friend – on a sober journey. Heck join all of us!
I’ll keep you in my prayers today DD.
Joyce
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Thanks for replying Joyce. Although I can’t quite make sense of what you said it’s comforting to know you had a drink problem and are now a month sober. I didn’t drink last night but I also didn’t wake up feeling great so I compensated by drinking a whole bottle by 4pm. I felt crap and now I’ve promised myself non drink tomorrow. Let’s see how that goes, wish me luck!
DD
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DD – my story is so similar to yours! 😦 Good luck!!!
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Hi my name is Tina, and I’m not quite sure where to start because I’m not quite sure when it started. I have a 24 year old daughter that has a problem and I don’t know how to help her. I know she started drinking in HS, as do most kids, but I’m not quite sure when it got out of hand. She is very intelligent. She graduated 2nd in her class of over 200 at her HS. She went on to get her Bachelor’s in elementary ed from St Ambrose University graduating with a 3.9. I know in college she drank often!! Her problem is that when she drinks she usually doesn’t quit until she passes out. She ended up in the ER twice during her last 2 years of college. She has PCOS, so she struggles with depression and anxiety. I believe she drinks to silence her “demons”. We are now going through the court system for her 2nd DUI. She only drink on the weekends, but it’s every weekend (FRI and SAT) and again it’s pretty much til she passes out. Not always, but usually. She’s passed out in bathrooms, and right at the bar. Her friends “watch out” for her, if that’s what you want to call it. She says her life sucks, and she hates where it’s at, so how can she not see that it’s alcohol that is ruining her life? She is my baby and it breaks my heart not knowing how to help her. I want so badly to talk to her about it but I’m afraid if I try it’ll lead to an argument and push her away. Can anyone please give me a direction to at least try…….
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Hi Tina,
Al – anon can provide support, direction and a confidential place to share. I highly recommend it for you:)
Joyce
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Thank you, I’m going to look for a group tomorrow!
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Tina .
Truth is until she accepts that’s she has a problem there is almost nothing you can do . I would suggest AA but again she has to want to go or she will start to resent you for making her go . If she is indeed a alcoholic the disease will fight for her to stay that way
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Thank you for your reply even if it’s not what I was hoping to hear. I guess I already knew that:(
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Today is day 2 for me. I have been binge drinking for 2 years. It started when I turned 40 and up to that point, I never had a drink in my life. I found out alcohol use escalates quickly. I am up to 4 fifths of vodka a week. I tried to moderate, but once the freight train leaves the station, ain’t no stopping her until she gets to me to wasted town. I have hid my drinking from my family and friends. I have not gotten into any trouble yet. I only drink at night after work at home. I drink alone. I hide my bottles. I go to 3 different liquor stores because of the shame I feel buying that much alcohol. I can no longer take the guilt and the thoughts of what I am doing to my body. I never sleep soundly either. I came across this blog and it hit me that others are going thru the same sh** as me and feel the same as I do. I am sick of it – mentally and physically. Thanks for all the posts here. It really helps a lot knowing I am not as alone as I thought.
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Layken,
Just seeing how you are doing? I have been sober since September 21st and I decided to go back to AA. My “old way of thinking” about alcohol had to die. I hope you are doing ok. If you have drank lately and want to get it off your shoulders I’d love to hear from you. Hope all is well! Joyce
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Hi Mike,
I sobered up the week of my daughters wedding (the week of September 21st). I can’t tell you how miserable I was on day one and two. I am now on day 14 and I’m back in AA – although I’m going to take some things in stride this time around. I just want to caution you not to fall into the pit of self-pity which can be a natural out-cropping of self loathing and shame – at least for me.
One thing I started doing just to get my mind off my restlessness – is playing games;). So I took up chess again and downloaded the “quiz up” app on my phone. There is actually some new research out on gaming that is quite interesting. It actually changed my impression of gamers completely.
Hope this helps and it will get better….Joyce
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Your going to be okay and you are not alone. I think a lot more people than any of us would think struggle with this and just haven’t opened up about it. The fact that you want to change is the biggest first step. Things are going to be rough for a little while, but then they will get better. Find something to do to occupy your night time when you were drinking and try to avoid doing whatever you did when you drank for awhile. Even if it was just watching a particular show, that could trigger you to want a drink just because it’s what your used to. Hang in there!
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Thank you both for the encouraging words. Joyce, first off, keep it up and find whatever dulls the triggers. I know I will need to get involved in a support group like AA if this is going to go long term. I agree with you Chel that many people don’t view it as a problem in their life. Social acceptance is definitely there. The weekend was rough physically as my booze brain was almost as convincing as the devil in the garden of Eden. But for the first time since I can remember, I slept 9 HOURS straight and I could remember what I did the previous night on Day 4. One of the most profound statements I read on this site helped with Saturday – how good I think I will feel tonight will not outweigh how bad I will feel in the morning and I knew that was the God’s honest truth. It really is a day by day battle. At some point, I feel I should share this addiction with my family, but not yet. Looking forward to how good I will feel on Day 7!
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Hi Mike, Just checking on you. Hope all is well for you. On telling your family, I do believe you would feel that a little bit of the burden was taken off of you. I think sometimes that our families know more about us than we think they do. That being said only you can decide if and when you want to share this with them. My family was very mixed. Most of them were very supportive and have really been there for me. My mother told me that she had known for some time. My husband left. He couldn’t take watching what it was doing to me. Unfortunately, I have promised to quit drinking so many times that he doesn’t believe me now and who can blame him? It was a terrible loss to something so ugly. All I can do is keep moving forward. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what other people think. I want to get better for myself and for the people I love. Keep being strong.
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Hey Chel, Thank you for checking in. I read it at a time when I normally would want a drink and your post was timed perfect for encouraging me not to do it. 7 days behind me. The struggle is very real, but I feel so much better and the guilt and shame is lessening. The mental fog cleared off a day or so ago. Life feels like I am experiencing it again and not just watching it happen around me. I am by no means out of the woods I know that, but I am in a lot better spot today than yesterday. Booze brain lies are still very enticing, but they are lies and I have to remember that. I still cannot tell the family yet – that conversation has not been totally framed in my mind. How are you doing? I pray you will be strengthened today as well 🙂
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Hey Mike, Sorry this is so late. I have really been busy with school today. I want you to know that I am so happy for you. You are doing great. Honestly, this last little bit has been hard for me. My husband left a couple of weeks ago and to put it bluntly it was one heck of a time to quit drinking. I used it to cope with things and that’s how I ended up with the problem I have. Well, there has been a lot to cope with lately. I know what you mean about the booze lies. I have just been doing the best I can to stay busy. I have a beautiful daughter who deserves a mama that is not struggling with this.She has been my inspiration and keeps me on the right track. It’s a rough time, but I know I am going to come out of it stronger. I thank you for your prayers and mine are with you too. Keep staying strong, because it will pay off. Hope all is well for you.
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Hey Chel
Hope this note finds you well. Not a day my brain doesnt want me to slam a fifth, but I find the way I feel these past two weeks is worth more than the buzz. I know you are struggling but I am pulling for you each day. Keep on keepin on
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Mike,
your story has inspired me to quit drinking. My situation is much like yours, but I denied it for a long, long time.
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Hello everyone. I found this blog and I’m going to be honest. I am an alcoholic. I am 25 and have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. I have known that I have issues with alcohol, but I’m unsure what to do. I am sober now and plan to stay sober. Without going into to many details, I will just say that my drinking has hurt me and all the people I care about way to much. I do not want to drink and I firmly believe I can refrain. It has been days and I haven’t missed it. Unfortunately, I am afraid that I have allowed it to ruin my marriage before I got off it. To kinda go into the back story, when we first got together we both drank. After awhile I got to where I was drinking every day. I didn’t have to get drunk every day but I felt like i needed a drink every day. He told me it was worrying him because he thought I was addicted. I told him I wasn’t and I truly believed I wasn’t. Well things continued and we both continued to drink. After awhile he told me he was sick of it and wanted me to stop. I ended up secretly buying some and hiding it. I wasn’t drinking every day anymore, but I was drinking a lot more at a time. This continued for awhile. The last time this happened I truly decided it would be the last time. However, my husband has left me for 2 days now and will not talk to me. He doesn’t believe I will really quit and I don’t blame him. It is the truth. I truly want to change and give him, my daughter, and myself the life we all deserve. If I loose him I will continue to stay sober for me and my child, but I know how much better our life could be together without it. Does anybody have advice on this? I am willing to see a marriage counselor, but I do not believe he is. If anyone can help me save my marriage it would mean the world to me and my daughter.
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Hi Chel, Old Rummy here. 6 months sober today.
Good to hear that you are on the road to sobriety.
The only person that can help you save your marriage is you. You can do that by being sober and proving that you are no longer the person you were. You have to earn that trust back.
The one thing you said in your post that is a bit worrying is
“I do not want to drink and I firmly believe I can refrain”.
This is not the best mindset to approach your recovery, that you ‘believe you can refrain’.
The only thing that should be in your mind at this point, for you and your daughter and your marriage is “I NO LONGER DRINK AND NEVER WILL”.
No refraining, no believing you might be able to do it, you just know as a fact that you cannot drink, that you do not drink, and you will never drink again. You have to know that in your heart.
That is the only way I made it through cold turkey 6 months ago.
I truly hope you can get your family back together again. Growing up in a broken home sucks.
Good luck.
Old Rummy
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Thank you so much. Just bad wording on my part. You are right there is no believing or thinking about it. I am just not going to do it. Congrats on your six months and keep being strong. Good luck to to you as well.
Chel
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I am 38 years old never been big on drinking till last year when I loss my fiance do to cancer. All kinds of grief and stressed followed after that, and I found drinking to be a coping mechanism. A few months later I had a male friend to comfort me who also enjoyed drinking everyday, soon it became our favorite pass time. All the people who were there for me during my loss I pushed them away because I didn’t wanna be judged by them. I kept telling myself as long as I’m getting up going to work everyday and handling my business there was no problem.
We get up on weekends and would start drinking at 10am sometimes earlier, and wouldn’t stop till we got ready for bed which sometimes was 4 in the morning. Only time we would be sober is at work. Vodka was our drink of choice. Recently I slipped in the shower and had to go to the emergency room for a bruised rib do to my drinking, but even that didn’t stop me.
He has had 3 car accidents in the past 6 months and that didn’t stop him either.
Well Sunday is what brings me here today. We got up drinking early like we always do. About 6 that evening he is hanging out at the park and ends up getting into a fight with some guys totally out of his character, and after that was over we continue drinking till 6am, I have to be at work at 9am. He had already canceled his clients and decided he wasn’t working after the fight. I decided I wasn’t working either since I hadn’t had any sleep yet, I set my alarm so I can get up and call off at 7, but didn’t wake up till 9:30, now I’m 30 minutes late my bossed text to see if I was okay I called back made up some lame excuse about my clock not going off and told her I needed the day off. Thankfully do to the fact this is the anniversary of my fiance’s death she was understanding.
So when he woke up I had the talk with him about we are messing up and we need to get our lives together he agreed and we decided to give up the alcohol. Yesterday was my first day without a drink in a year, his first time in at least 4 years. Not sure how this is going to play out, but I pray we can get it together.
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Stay strong. You can do it and you have each other to lean on. That was a lot of my problem too, using it to cope with bad things. Focus on other things you enjoy. Since you are both quitting together and drinking has been such a big part of your relationship, maybe now is the time to find a new hobby that you both enjoy. I wish you the best of luck!
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So happy I found this blog! I decide to quit about two months ago, and then return to only drinking in moderation, so I could still drink “socially.” I quit for about two weeks, and felt awesome. Wonderful for two weeks. So happy. I would have the “drinking” dreams and wake in a panic, then feel SO elated that it was just a dream, and so proud of myself for not really having broken my sobriety. So naturally, unconvinced myself that I had hit some kind of magical “reset” button and I could just go out and have one or two. And I could! For like, a week. Moderation for me= HA. Big ol’ NOPE. Went back to bingeing a few nights a week, but it seemed to get even worse. My rock bottom was yesterday. Nothing earth-shattering- a hangover that caused me to have to leave my job, head to the bathroom, and vomit. I was so sick. And the shame. The shame is even worse. And anger, and embarrassment at myself. I looked up and just thought, “I deserve better than this.” I called my husband on the way home, sobbing. He was so kind and supportive, though I think he was in denial that I really had a problem, before then. But I DO. And I CAN’T drink socially. I just cant.
Woke up this morning thrilled with my decision to quit. I think I can stick to it. I never should have started back after that initial two weeks. I never should have tried to moderate. I should have just quit. I’m thrilled because the worst thing for me, was the morning after shame. I drank at home, so no one else saw it-but I knew. And I am so excited about the possibility of not having to deal with that shame ever again, that I am going to try so hard to stick to sobriety and do more outreach and reading about others’ experiences. I don’t think it will be easy for me. But anything is better than the self-hatred I dealt with the next day. Also, a big thing that helped the first two weeks (and which I’ve redownloaded) is an app I found (I won’t name it because I don’t want people to think I’m here advertising )but is a popular app that has a lot of useful daily tips, and categories for advice for specific, selectable problems that you might be facing that moment, and how to “talk you down.” I conjunction with this blog, I hope I never pick up a drink again. Thank you for this blog!
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Sweet Tea,
I have done the same thing ad nauseam (pun intended). I have recently been reading a book by Ann Dowsett Johnston entitled “Drink – The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol.” In it she talks about being half way through inpatient rehab and feeling “normal.” Bam – that really hit home for me. That perhaps is part of the difficulty with us alcoholics – at least me. We get some sobriety under our belt and just assume that we can control our drinking, “after all I don’t feel sick – I feel quite normal.”
A disease typically involves medicine or feeling lousy all the time. With alcoholism – you actually can feel quite normal sober. However – realizing that this is a mental disease, an allergy (to borrow from AA) in which I have to stay away from alcohol like I would peanuts if I were allergic to them is where I have to stay. My brain lacks a sufficient number of D2 receptors and so if I drink – a chemical cascade occurs that sends me to a place where I eventually will abuse alcohol to get the dopamine high that alcohol affords my diseased brain.
BTW – what is the app – please??? No offense here.
I’m happy you can lean on your spouse. Mine has been with me throughout this awful journey. I don’t know why he hasn’t left me. He told me the other week that I should have a breathalyzer attached to my phone which would render the phone inoperable if I blew into it with alcohol on my breath. Funny – especially for someone who has a tendency to drink and dial. But then it isn’t funny – at all. I am on day 4 sober and intend to stay sober.
Thanks for your post!!
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Right, there is no way I can just be a social drinker. I’m definitely in for a long ride, and have to try to stay aware! I’m glad your spouse is supportive, too. I know it can’t be easy for them.
The app is called SoberTool. I found it really helpful until I tried to go back to being a “moderate” drinker. Really wish I had just stuck with quitting, but I was foolish. Oh well. This time I’m trying for GOOD. Congrats on the four days. Those first days are tough!
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Glad you’re here, Sweet Tea! And yes, please post the app you find helpful – and anything else you recommend. This is a place for sharing ideas and encouragement!
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You can do it. I thought I could drink just a couple here and there and found out that was not the case. I can go days without it now, but if I get started I don’t quit. I do not plan on ever taking another drink. For whatever reason, genetics, being predisposed I don’t know, but people like us can’t handle it and need to just avoid it at all costs. I am sure your husband is very proud of you for your decision. I wish I would have made mine sooner.
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Typing this hungover. Head pounding, sick, mad at myself for doing it again. I have many alcoholics in my family that are much much worse than I am, but I have been unhappy with my drinking and pot smoking for a long time. I’ve been saying “I’m probably going to quit drinking and smoking pot someday” and have occasionally tried to quit, but then eventually start deluding myself into thinking I can have one drink and it’s no big deal, and back I slide. Like many of you I too am a boring drunk who’s had pretty good luck. I don’t get drunk every day but I do drink every day. On the weekends is when I do my real drinking and I always go into the night thinking “I’m going to be responsible and only have a few” but almost invariably I cannot stop until I’m wasted. I have been prone to anxiety and depression and mood swings, and my wife has suggested I get on medication but I think this is probably what’s at the root of it all. I have decided that this is going to be that “someday” that I finally stop. I really hope I can make it last this time. Thanks and sorry for rambling.
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Don’t be sorry. You will be okay. I believe you are probably right about the drinking being the root cause of your depression and anxiety. The sad thing is depressed anxious people are more likely to drink and drinking does make those problems worse. Alcohol is a natural depressant. When you are used to drinking a lot and then stop it can cause anxiety symptoms to seem worse for a little while too. Try and hang in there. You might consider going to the Dr. just to make sure you don’t need a little help with your depression. There is no shame in that and it could make your journey to being free of the drinking easier. Good luck to you! Chel
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Hey my names Josh I’m 24 I used drinking and drugs to coupe with what happens with my parents long story short my dad’s in prison for attempted murder I drank and drank and did some street drugs but mostly drank my 3 year old and my gf left she filled for custody and child support after I left I been sober for last couple days and I realize how bad I screwd up I just hope I still have one more chance to show her I love her and my son dearly and will not drink ever again
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There is definately still a chance! Clean up and be who you want to be and dont give up! Good luck and dont try and do this with just will power, join a group, listen and share your experiences, write in a journal, go for long walks, give yourself the advice you would give a friend in your position, forgive yourself, and start over. All the best and let us know how you are we are connected on this site.
Ricky
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I awake again to the horrors of another day binge drinking. I so badly want sobriety and yet it seems so out of reach for me. I’ve never gotten more than a couple of months and then I relapse. My heart is aching. My spirit is so low. Alcohol has taken so much from me. I thought I would post to this website to hold myself accountable as I start this day sober. I’ve tried AA and other programs, nothing seems permanent for me. In part, I think that my problem is that I don’t take this disease seriously enough. I am going to look at it like I’ve been diagnosed with cancer. That would certainly demand action and attention. I seem to think that I can play with the beast (alcohol) without consequence….and yet people die from this disease. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share. Joyce
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Oh Joyce, I am so sorry you re hurting from stupid stupid alcohol. You are absolutely right – you must start to see this as a life or death decision. And it’s a slow, shitty, ugly way to go. I would much prefer that you and I and every participant on this blog instead die of old age after a long happy life. If AA isn’t working for you, please either change your approach to it or try another program (several are listed on my resources page) and get serious about it! You can do it and every one of us deserves to live free and happy!
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This honestly makes me cry because it hits home. I often can’t sleep either and I plan my days around it as well. My work keys have been lost most likely due to this issue and most likely I’ll get fired. I am so scared as I have just moved and trying to get my shit together. Help 😦
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Hi Layken,
I feel your pain and have been in a compromising position once in regards to work and alcohol. I was actually sent home from a large work convention. The utter shame and anxiety that grips one is just so palatable. It comes in waves – carving away at ones dignity and person-hood. Just this morning I read in the Wall Street Journal about Mary Karr’s newest memoir. She’s a best selling author and a self-described “black-belt sinner” and recovering alcoholic. I love that line. Let me tell you what my husband tells me – always in the aftermath and glow of the next mornings sunrise. He tells me that “his mercies are new everyday.” Even though I have been like a brute beast…The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34).” My intent is not to ever come off as a righteous religious prig – I just share this as it has given me hope in times of despair and my hope is that it warms your heart today.
Blessings, Joyce
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Layken,
Just seeing how you are doing? I have been sober since September 21st and I decided to go back to AA. My “old way of thinking” about alcohol had to die. I hope you are doing ok. If you have drank lately and want to get it off your shoulders I’d love to hear from you. Hope all is well! Joyce
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I just stopped after many years and for 10 years did not drink. I started social drinking and it worked! No probs. But then one Sat morning I woke up after a 3 day binge. Dont even know why. Now on the slope again. Cant stop. Well for 2 weeks then off again. Too old now for this s**t. Just be caeful.
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Hi Chris,
Wow – I hear so many stories like that. People that have quit for a significant time and then they go back thinking that time has surely cured them. I can totally see me doing that – as a matter of fact when I announce myself in AA I don’t mention my sober date (I’m at day 20) because I’m so afraid that I’ll screw my sobriety up and the shame will be prevent me from coming back. Besides I really think I need to live in the day so saying “I’m Joyce, I’m an alcoholic and I’m sober today,” feels just right.
What are your plans Chris? I have really seen in my own life how this is a progressive disease. I am almost 50 years old and I’ve been having issues with alcohol since my twenties. I can attest to the fact that despite some times of “controlled drinking,” it has really, overall continued to get worse. Do you think that’s true for you? This really is a disease that can kill. Please be careful and stay blogging with all of us if it helps. I’ll look for your posts my friend.
Peace – Joyce
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Hello to anyone listening. I stumbled upon this blog yesterday while researching drug and alcohol abuse. What a God send. I am 33 years old and have been abusing alcohol and marijuana for at least 5-6 years,if not closer to 10. In my younger twenties, i was significantly larger and not very social so drinking and drugs were not a part of my regular life. Im not even sure i went out for my 21st birthday. Towards my mid 20s i had lost about a 100lbs and felt more comfortable with being social. That seems to be when it all started. I was/am working in the food industry and the norm was ” drinks after work.” As the years have gone on, the few beers turned into a six pack the six pack turned to the better part of a 12 pack. About 2 years ago, I was hospitalized for seizures and my drinking decreased. But eventually as i got better, my want for alcohol came back to visit. A significant relationship that I was in came to an end, my current job turned out to be a living hell, and my strained relationship with my father kind of came to a head. I started to drink alone at home quite a bit. I soon learned that my ability to drink large amounts of beer had returned. But wait, it gets worse. I had decided that in addition to the beer, i needed vodka and weed. I had always smoked pot from time to time, but never on a daily basis. I liked the combo of the 3. I seemed to turn off all the negative and stressful things in my head. About two weeks ago I had a week completely to myself. The first thing i did was grab two six packs, a bag, and a 5th. The beer was gone in a day and the alcohol was gone in two. My marijuana use is not extreme but it became part of the drinking process so i was never completely satisfied unless I had that puff or three to bring it all together.
Recently my alcohol and drug abuse has caused a rift between my family and I because (1) my neurologist told me not to drink heavily and i do, (2) because of my intoxication, while house sitting for my parents, i accidentally burned part of their carpet with my cigarette. Needless to say they were not pleased. It was the icing on the cake of a lot of worry and frustration that my family was having with me. The ultimatum came, lose the booze and drugs or lose my family. The choice really came easy to me fortunately, I really did want to stop. I just kept with cycle because it was what i was used to. Id try to quit drinking for a day or two but that was as far as it went. I guess because my family knows now its easier for me to get help. I have voluntarily enrolled myself in an outpatient rehab program thats starts next wednesday. I am looking forward to it, but it seems so far away. I would love to crack open a beer and have a shot right now. i have been trying to keep myself occupied by reading and walking but sometimes that doesn’t cut it.
On a typical day I will drink at least two tall-boys and anywhere from a half-pint to a pint of vodka. If Im feeling brave, Ill buy the fifth and go visit friends and see where it takes me. I usually don’t finish it all without some help. Ideally i would like to get to a point where I have a beer after work, or drink 1 or 2 at family gatherings. My family are drinkers too. I’m just starting this whole process so I’m not going to get ahead of myself.
Thanks for listening. -C
PS: what are some alternative non-alcoholic look a likes that have worked for anyone. Any thoughts on NA beer? Does that makes you want a beer with alcohol in it? Thanks again.
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Hey Bud, sounds like you’re due to give yourself a new chance. You probably shouldn’t quit cold turkey if you’ve had seizures before, but scaling down is tough. Coming from a guy who was drinking 12-18 beers a day and couldn’t imagine life without it…I can tell you 100% that you will find yourself a happy person, for no reason at all, just for being clear headed and sober. The outpatient program will make it much more doable. I, personally, wouldn’t look towards doing 1-2 beers a day…the people who can do that aren’t wired like us. Just take it easy and slow enjoy that you have family that care. Hang in there:)
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I would just like to say that you sound like an intelligent person from your choice of words and grammar. Although I don’t know you, I am proud of you for taking steps in the right direction and to be quite frank look up to your recent decisions as I really need to do the same. I wish you best of luck.
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Layken, how are you doing? Are you ready to make some changes?
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Hi Anon, thank you for writing. I am smiling as I read your words, “I’d like to get to the point where I have a beer or two after work…” because so many of us start out saying that: I just want to be a NORMAL drinker again. From everything I have seen, heard, read, and experienced, addiction changes our ability to drink “normally” and that change should be considered permanent. I am sorry if that is hard to hear, but it might save you some heartbreaking efforts. For now at least, going without is probably your best bet. It is hard at first but truly, moderating can be even harder. Could you give us an update and let us know how you are doing, what you’ve tried and/or decided? Your words and experience are helping many who find themselves in the same boat. This type of honest discussion saves lives! Thank you for that!!
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Hey anonymous
How is outpatient program going? Are you feeling ok?
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have been drinking half a bottle of vodka at night as long as i can remember. Always tired and feel like shit. quit two days ago and feel like shit bad dreams and wake up confused and sweaty
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Hey Blake, your body is going through detox. Even though you are feeling shitty, let that be all the proof you need to show that you were, in fact, addicted to alcohol! Once you get through the first few days, you never have to feel this way again. How are you doing today?
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Hello All, I posted on here a year ago when I was about 8 months into dropping the booze. So it’s been another year. Just because I know a lot of people scroll through these in desperation…you are not alone. I was drinking 10-20 coors lights a day, was fairly functional. I had some serious side effects that forced me to quit. I Was waking up at 4am every morning (when withdrawals were setting in) and sometimes would get the shakes and couldn’t work. I didn’t want to take any chances, so I did a medical, outpatient detox. I was comfortable through it all. Other than a couple of weeks of funky sleep, I was on a medication for a week, then just focusing on relaxing myself from there. I’ve never looked back. My relationships (although way less by choice), are excellent. I’m not puffy anymore. I closed my business (was the trigger of my depression) and have enjoyed working with a friend at his new restaurant. So, if you’re wanting to quit, but maybe experiencing the anxiety and shakes from withdrawals, you can quit immediately, you simply see a doctor and they will help keep it comfortable. You’ll love yourself for it:) my $.02
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Sounds like somethings is taking hold always trust in your therapist and your Dr
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So great to hear form you Anthony and I am overjoyed with your success! Thank you for shining your light!
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I can relate to the OP. I too was a boring drunk: no DUI’s, no passing out in the front yard, no waking up with cuts and bruises, no lost days at work, no lost relationships, etc. But I got drunk every day. I just got to the point where I told myself, “no drinking today!” But it rarely happened. About a year ago I did it for about a month and it was amazing. I felt better in every way imaginable; spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. I was motivated and productive. So, September 1, 2015 I said to hell with it. Day 1 was a bit uneasy, but I think it was more psychological than anything.. what was I going to do not stopping off at the local bar and having beers and shots? Or, no martinis when I get home? You know what, I went to the bar, drank club soda with lime, and listened to the drunks ramble on about everything and nothing imaginable. It was hilarious! One guy went on and on about an album he’s making.. then I realized, sober, “you’ve been talking about this shit for three years!”
I believe this may be the end for me… I would like to enjoy a nice glass of wine now again as I love a good Malbec.. but for now… nah. Good luck everyone!!!!!!!
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Support is here. I found this block and tried day 1,2,3 relapse. Got worse by not having my every other day 1. Became every day instead. I had lots of stress going on, but when stress hit the pick managed 2 days. Relapse today again. But keep trying. You too, give it as many chances as you can. I will keep trying too.
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Hi My Life, I am cheering for you. Keep getting up. Reach out. Connecting with others can boost your strength and keep things moving forward. Don’t give up- you are worth every bit of effort!
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Hi everyone,
Still not out of this, but quit my job which was a triger daily and doing much better. Back to skipping a day or two. Back to gym, back to cooking. Moderation is NOT an option, but at least I scalled down. Thank you for letting me be a part of this group without judgement.
Doctor prescribed panic attack pills, was hard stressful time at work. I took 2 and stopped. Panic attacks stopped once I eliminated stress enviroment ( work). Taking it easy and rememeber advises from the group to treat myself gentle. Might go to bed early and just watch TV, change routin, stop the moment and look up. The sky is beautiful, fall is my favourite season for long walks as well.
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Nervously attempting my first comment. Just about to complete day 1. I was raised by an alcoholic mother (who’s now sober 20 years) and my early years of forced ‘counselling’ has given me an unbelievable fear of any face to face support. Despite my childhood experiences I have found myself on the same path of destructive behaviour. Feeling sick and lost at this whole situation, especially admitting that I have become what I loathed the most as a child.
Very grateful to have found this blog, hoping to check in regularly as a support network.
Thank you
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Hi Blamegame – you must have had a terrible counsellor to make you feel that way! My father-in-law always says “half of all professionals graduated in the bottom 50% of their class”.
I encourage you to think of support differently. Imagine this: sitting with a group of people you like and respect, who are accomplished, interesting and in recovery. Imagine that you are laughing together over coffee and muffins, sitting in the sunshine in someone’s back yard. You are all sharing what it is like to live without alcohol, exchanging tips on hosting a great party or attending a wedding without drinking. People are telling funny stories about the wacky things people say to them to try and get them to drink, and you feel free to laugh and let go. Does this sound like the type of support you could enjoy?Because, honestly, this is what my conversation with sober friends is like and I find it to be WONDERFUL!!! These are the connects that await us when we reach out for support. I wish this for you and everyone who reads this blog. It is out there, I promise.
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Hello everyone
I am on day 100 after drinking for 15yrs ..I started out drinking on weekends and then as yrs went by I got up to 60 shots a week ..
I wanted to quit I did after 20 tries.LOL
I felt lazy and like crap all the time except when I drank I had energy
.I made decisions I would never had made sober or being a non-drinker.I go to the same bars drinking ginger Ale or water.I will not stop seeing my drinking friends as I now see them Half drunk and they look drugged..I never noticed this as I was like them
I am on a real high with life less moody more energy and I feel 3 times if not more like myself.
It is a natural high.I have lost 35LBS and I save lots of money. I treat myself to a nice dinner for a reward instead of the alcohol.
I will never go back and I am 67.
Maybe if I am terminally dying I would really drink then LOL.LOTS Why not?
No one that drinks has no idea how great you will feel if you stop cold turkey
Forget the excuses of DT;s and crap.Just pack it in.Your family, friends .will notice a huge difference in your personality.But most of all you will notice life has just begun..instead of ending in a short few yrs.
good luck to everyone.
Remember if you have one drink it leads to
two then it creeps up on you..It is never ending until it is to late and you die 20 /30yrs earlier then you should have…Quiting Alcohol you have everything to gain.
Life gets way better…
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Congratulations! Funny you should mention if you would drink if you had a terminal illness – I wrote a post about that very question when i was a few months sober! https://unpickledblog.com/2011/10/23/weeks-to-live/
Your words here are very encouraging and I am grateful for your post!
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Hi, everyone. First of all, thank you so much for this website. I was feeling pretty lost yesterday and stumbled upon your blog while searching for inspiration to finally kick-start my efforts to stop drinking once and for all. I found myself nodding through your entire list of red flags. I have drunk to the point of total inebriation almost every single night of my entire adult life- between 15 and 17 years. The first three years were basically practice, then I went totally off the deep end. No one who knows me is aware of that and I’m not sure I’ll ever be willing to share it. Drinking has become my best friend. I never drink to start the day and I definitely never drink and drive, but I look forward to the drinking part of the day (about 9 p.m. to 1 a.m. and beyond). I’ll spare you the details, but I’ve been experiencing some symptoms lately that point to potential liver issues and it’s scared me to death. I decided yesterday morning that I was done. I poured my remaining vodka down the sink and resolved not to buy any more. In the last two years, it’s become no big deal for me to down a 1.5 liter bottle of wine, plus a few shots of vodka, on a nightly basis. Just typing that and seeing it in black and white freaks me out a little bit.
I was married for three years to a physically and emotionally abusive maniac who drank heavily. After we divorced, I gained an unbelievable amount of weight that I still haven’t been able to shake. If anyone would have turned to drinking to dull their emotions, it was me. That marriage certainly didn’t help my alcohol habits. I still have to deal with him from a distance through our daughter. I’m the classic overachieving, perfectionist, sensitive, depressive person. When I do something, I do it BIG and usually successfully. I hold down a good job and drinking never effects my productivity at work. I’m finally finishing my Bachelors degree (straight A’s for seven consecutive semesters). I’m a Girl Scout mom and active at my daughter’s school. Naturally, I want to stop drinking perfectly, but I’ve had to remind myself that sobriety is a work-in-progress; I have to treat it as a process rather than a sprint to a finish line. I have a teen daughter who I love more than anyone or anything in this world. It’s become clear lately that she is aware of my drinking. She’ll make little comments about it that sound like jokes, but I know she’s wondering if I drink every day or if it just seems like it. She sees the bottles coming in and out of the house. I no longer want to be a bad influence for her, especially considering our family history with alcohol (all four grandparents and countless other relatives on both sides had/have issues with drinking).
Anyway, if you’ve made it to the end of my post, thanks for reading. I’m 100% open to comments and suggestions. This new way of life is completely foreign to me. I feel pretty good for now, but I’m naturally concerned about relapse several weeks from now when I inevitably start to get complacent and take my sobriety for granted. I’m praying that doesn’t happen. (Please note that I have no intention of attending meetings, nor do I have the time.)
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You are two weeks ahead of me SuzyLee. I also feel like I need to be a better role model for my children. I hope you are doing okay. Today is my Day 1. =)
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Hi,
I posted a bit more than 1 month back, saying I wanted to quit. I had enough of making a fool of myself, of worrying my family… Of drinking so much that I can’t sleep for more than couple of hours and waking up with my body screaming for help – I am not even sure to which part I should be listening.
And in that last month, I stopped for 10 days twice but drank on other days. In moderation, when I felt I was finally controlling the beast. But also had blackouts on 3 occasions. The last blackout episode, I was with work colleagues and I could hardly walk… I am so ashamed. So no control here… Who I am fooling.
I drank yesterday – I spent the day with my mum. A day which was meant to be beautiful, ended up not so beautiful. Now I am awake in the early morning, desperately wanting a second chance. I want to have this sunny wonderful day back. Without alcohol. The numerous number of things which we could have done. The nice memories which we could have created.
23rd August 2015 (23/08/2015) – I want this day to be my 1st sober day. Not for 10 days, not for 3. But FOREVER.
Please tell me I have a second chance ( I don’t know how many second now) to make this right. I need to get this one right. Else I will end up either dying or with some fatal sickness.
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Hello to whoever is taking the time to read this. I am only 22 and I can check off every red flag you posted in your article. I think drinking alone should have been the final one before I admitted that I have a problem, but of course that would have been too easy. I began drinking at work and nearly anywhere I went. Finally, I got caught. I dodged the bullet (don’t ask me how.. I’m beyond grateful for my manager) but the feeling of shame I felt is completely disgusting to me. I come from a family of alcoholics, and I know that is one of the main reasons I’ve fallen into this bad habit. I have an addictive personality and I’ve tried to cut down before which was successful for a few months but I always returned to alcohol. That is the biggest indication to me that I have a problem, as I can’t seem to give it up. My family has become so concerned that my father brought me an AA pamphlet to my work (I left home and hadn’t seen them in weeks). They think I quit drinking last week, and I’m sad to say they’re wrong. I’ve had a blackout night a couple days ago, which resulted in me going in to my second job with an alcohol withdrawal. I was able to blame the puking and dry heaving on the possibility of being pregnant. Alcohol makes you a liar, and I’ve started to hate the person I’ve become. Even today I had half a bottle of wine. One positive thing I keep telling myself is at least I didn’t think the whole bottle. Small steps. I’m waking up tomorrow and marking it as Day 1 in my calendar. I really hope that I get to experience sobriety like I’ve read in many articles tonight. Wish me luck.
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Hi Layken,
I just read your post and had to respond. I am 37 and have been drinking most of my life except for a couple years when I got pregnant and after I had my baby who is now 4. My father was an alcoholic and drank himself to death toward his late 40’s. When I drink I can’t seem to stop so congrats to you for only drinking part of the wine:) i have never been one to drink at work but when I was in college I would go on 3 day binges of drinking. I was also in the military where most everyone drank. I have had so many nights of blacking out that I don’t know why God let me survive. I’ve put myself in dangerous situations. Now I live alone with my daughter and don’t have much of a social life bc I am a single mother so I turn to alcohol to escape but then once again I drink too much and don’t feel like doing anything the next day. Drinking does make you a liar and I would drink during the week then blame my not being able to go to work bc me or my daughter was sick. It’s been about 2 months and I haven’t drank during the week but I have drank a few times on the weekend alone. I hated it the next day. It’s a constant battle as I’m sure you also fight everyday. I have never had withdrawals thank god as I know that must be horrible!! Your family loves you and they just want to see you happy and healthy. Maybe you could look into a rehab place? I don’t know you but I want the best for you. You are so young and have such a beautiful life awaiting you! Drinking will only hinder the great things you have to come. I pray a lot, so if you believe in God or a higher power then prayer works. You will b in mine today. Be strong today and take it one day at a time. Please let me know how you are doing:)
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Wow. I came across your site yesterday and also some others like tired of thinking about drinking. I had no idea all of you were out there!! You all are such an inspiration!!
Your list resonates so much for me. It’s as if I had written it. I would add one thing for me though that was my wake up call that something is very wrong with what I am doing to myself. I had been up till 4am drinking (by myself), finally stumbled into bed and crashed until 7:30 on Saturday morning. I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a train.. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror & I didn’t recognize the person I saw. It was as if I was looking at someone entirely different! Imagine a homeless alcoholic wandering the streets.. That’s what I saw. It was so surreal and at the same time I was mortified! I actually tried to hide from my husband!! And then of course that night you would think I had learned my lesson.. But no, my husband asked if I wanted a glass of wine and the inner me was screaming silently NO!! But Wolfie (who I didn’t know about until yesterday) was louder.. He won that battle.. 😦 I woke up Monday feeling much like the day before and did some online searches and found this wonderful community.
I am so grateful. I’ve never tried to stop drinking before.. I’ve been in denial for a very long time. I think because I’ve always feared that I would fail, why bother trying.. it was safer to pretend there wasn’t a problem with drinking a bottle or sometimes two or even more every night.. Well, not anymore.
I am starting with a 100 day challenge. Today is day 2 & I am terrified but I am hopeful.
Thank you for sharing your journey.. With all the blogs to read and so much support, I finally have a spark of hope that I just might be able to do this. 🙂 🙂
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Thanks for this site!
I’m on my 3rd day of not drinking & am a little surprised at how easy it’s been so far, but it’s Friday, so I’m starting to dread the weekend. I told my husband that I’ll drive tonight- wherever he wants to go- that’s probably a first since I was pregnant- a long time ago.
I’m 47 and have been an every night drinker for 11 years or so. Mostly vodka & club soda- about 4-5 on an average weeknight. Throw in a couple of beers or a margarita or two if I’m out & that’s what everyone’s doing.
About a year ago I decided to ‘get healthy’ so I joined a gym & lost about 10 pounds without changing anything other than going to the gym 3 days a week. I was pretty happy with that, but I still had about 15 to lose so I started on a diet & lost about 5 more. Tuesday I decided it’s time to really make some changes so I decided to quit drinking for 2 weeks & see how it affects everything. I even surprised myself!
The diet is the excuse, but really there’s more… I think I can feel my liver & I’m tired of being hungover & see myself in almost all of your red flags, so I know that it’s time to take a break. I don’t think I want to give it up forever, but I’m going to go for 2 weeks and see how I feel!
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Does anyone else feel like screaming? I do!! It seems to take over my life and I feel no person in my everyday life gets me. I am living a lie and I think everyone sees through me. Soft and fuzzy doesn’t seem to work….could it be that my husband ignores the elephant in the room and my family all NEED me to sort their problems? Yes I want to scream!!!
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So here I am, drinking a beer writing on this blog. I’ve been a heavy drinker since around the age of 20 but started drinking at around 14 (I’m now 39). I hold down a good job, have 2 wonderful children and a loving wife. Around a year and a half ago I decided to have a week off the booze, something I haven’t tried before. The first few days were difficult but after day 3 I felt pretty good. After a week I decided to treat myself to a drink. I thought I was the one in control, how wrong I was. Roll on 6 months and I decided to have another break (this was after a pretty heavy month of drinking). By noon on the first day of abstinence I started to shake uncontrollably. I went to A&E as I thought I was getting ketosis (I am type 1 diabetec) they told me it was alcohol withdrawal. Since then I’ve been too scared not to drink. Up until around 8 months ago I was drinking about 6 Stellas a day followed by a bottle and a half, sometimes 2 bottles of wine a night. I then decided to quit wine but still drunk the Stellas. About 4 months ago I decided to swap Stella for a lower strength lager, after around 2 weeks my morning withdrawal symptoms seemed to disappear. I then had one night where I drunk a bit too much (of the lower strength lager and back to square 1). I now drink 2 beers in the morning before I start work, 2 beers in the afternoon and around 4 to 5 each evening, I’m scared of the withdrawal symptoms showing to others. I hide drink in order to get away with this (it won’t last long before I’m found out).I love my kids and wife but know I’m killing myself quickly! I went to see a specialist but they just threatened to take my kids away, I’m not going back there. I’m not a violent drunk, my family are at no risk apart from being fatherless, but they didn’t ask the background before telling me I was a bad father. Anyway, I know only I can help myself but it does feel like a very lonely battle.
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Hello Struggling. Your post is a punch in the gut for me – I wish I could reach through my screen and drag you to higher ground. The life you describe is heartbreaking and I am sure I speak for everyone who reads your words when I say that I wish better things for you. You deserve it. Your family deserves it. You are absolutely right when you say that you’re killing yourself quickly – please take quick action to turn things around! I don’t know what kind of specialist you went to, but the response you got was unusual. A medical doctor’s first concern will be to keep you alive – ask about a supervised medical detox to get you quickly and safely out of the danger zone, then next do whatever it takes to build a life in recovery. You need more support than you’ve allowed yourself in the past – the help you will find in a program like AA is likely of huge benefit to you. You are not alone – this does not need to be a lonely battle. Recovery is full of GREAT AMAZING people just like you and me, ones who have walked this road a little ahead of you and will show you the way. Please do not waste another moment drinking!
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I have 15 days sober and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve wanted to quit for years and never let myself acknowledge I’m an alcoholic. I still haven’t told my family I’ve quit as we’re a drinking family. Seeing them usually involves drinks. I have a lot of reasons why I quit but I don’t know what to tell them. I want to be honest but I also don’t want them to worry about me.
I live with my boyfriend who still drinks and I know will still do drugs at some point. He doesn’t understand what I’m going through and I predict me getting sober will be the reason we break up.
In short, I see why people relapse. I either can’t sleep or I’m having nightmares where I’m drinking again.
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Hi Arsonistsdaughter, welcome to UnPickled. You deserve a parade and a pont for making it through the first difficult weeks – the hardest part is over. Don’t go back! Everyone needs to have some support in these big life changes. If no one in your family is able to be your cheerleader, then talk to friends about what you’re going through. If none of your friends are people you feel you can share this with, then it is time you met some new people! Go to a recovery group – you will find lots of people who understand and who WANT YOU TO SUCCEED. I also want to encourage you to read my post about drinking dreams https://unpickledblog.com/2015/03/09/drinking-dreams/ – maybe your dreams are actually a good sign and you should be encouraged! Read that post and find out!
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I really appreciate the encouragement and advice. As I predicted, my relationship with my boyfriend ended. And not well on his part. He broke up with me over the phone, then came by and told me to I wasn’t allowed to be there and to move my things out right away. I did nothing to warrant this and we planned on spending the rest of our lives together. I was convinced he was the perfect person for me. I moved cities and quit my amazing job to live with him as I was seriously committed. I saw red flags here and there but never knew he could be so cruel. The majority of the one month I lived with him (one month he gave this) I was sober and happy and taking care of myself.
But through all of this, I’ve been sober for 23 days now. I can honestly say I’ve been the best me I’ve been in the last three weeks. And I would not start drinking again because of him. I often wonder if I would’ve fallen for him if I’d met him as sober me. Now I have the chance in the future to date and maybe have a better chance of meeting the right person with a clear head.
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Well done. Sad to hear of the way your split happened. Keep it up and I’m sure you will find the right person
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Have tried to give up alcohol and coke
5 times now, just feel depressed at the thought of trying again. Any ideas please??
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Hi Matt, thanks for posting. I feel for you – I have seen some people caught in that relapse loop and it is a tough way to live. Tell me more about your experience so far – What steps did you take the last 5 times you tried? Have you talked to other people in recovery or checked in with your doctor? I would really like to see you find a way out!
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Read the book Allen Carr Stop drinking now. I’m 4 months clean and can’t believe how easy it is to quit.I quit because alcohol is getting to expensive and gets you nowhere
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Hey everyone. I’m new here. My last drink was last Wednesday. I don’t think I’ve gone this long without a drink…since I don’t know when. My tolerance is absolutely through the roof, so when I tried to moderate I couldn’t do it because it would take so many drinks to do the trick that by the time they did I’d gone from 0 to 60 in like an hour or two. The first two days were actually not bad, and while right now I’ve been craving at random times of the day – times that, when I was drinking, I wouldn’t have normally had or even wanted a drink – I have to keep in mind how great I feel. I drank in large part to deal with major depression and a symptom of that depression was my inability to literally get out of bed – and stay there (I understand a nap every once in a while when you’ve gotten up early etc. but not more than one hour+ nap per day). Drinking made this problem worse, of course, but I didn’t realize until I stopped just HOW much worse. I can’t believe how much more energy I have and it hasn’t even been a week. I’ve gotten back to going to yoga and am generally feeling amazing, but a friend is visiting from out of town Friday and I know she’ll want to drink. I’m worried. Would like to check back in here after the weekend to hold myself accountable.
Thank you Jean and everyone for sharing your stories. They make me feel so much less alone.
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I am new here too! I’ve made a few posts and the support from responses is very encouraging. I can totally relate to the tolerance thing. That’s why it’s better for me to just stop. I can’t just have one or two because it takes so much more for that buzz. And what other reason is there to drink except for the buzz, right? I feel like I just can’t be a social drinker. I am on day 11 and am feeling great. I am exercising more and sleeping so much better. I hope I can lose some weight without all the added alcohol calories. I got a great idea from my hair stylist the other day. She said just keep white grape juice in the fridge and pour yourself some in a wine glass and serve your guest whatever they like! I am definitely trying this. We have visitors coming next week and I’m also dreading it because I don’t want to have to explain myself and why I’m not drinking. I plan to say “I’m taking a break” if anyone asks. Just remember when you want to drink how upset and disappointed in yourself you’re going to be. Keep with it! I find that the longer I go, the easier it gets. I am definitely proud of myself and that I am keeping my commitment to myself. It’s not about anyone else, just you. You are doing it for your health and well-being and owe no one else any explanations. It’s a cliche but “JUST DO IT!!!”
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Thanks for posting – how are you doing today? Let’s have an update! What is the most valuable things you have discovered so far?
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About to stop. Tomorrow. You might be skeptical but I am sure it will be tomorrow. I am scared about the loneliness which is odd cos there are 5 kids here. I have stopped before. Once for 6 yrs, another time for nearly 2 yrs , and then off n on here n there. I know I’m at a tipping point. I crave alcohol n even like a hangover. I feel isolated in my journey and have not reached out before. Can anyone help?
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you are not alone, we all come here to seek support from each other, I tend to try to remember the bad times I had with drinking (arguments, hangovers, said stupid things), I always woke up thinking why I needed to get drunk the night before, what good did that do?? I’d also like to think of how clean and painless I live when I am sober. “One day at a time!”
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Stevo – I was slow to getting back to you and you deserved a quick answer. Sincere apologies. Where are you at, my friend? You are obviously a strong person, with 6 years then 2 years of sobriety. Would you say that you did any type of life-changing recovery work during that time, or were you simply “sober” or as some say, a dry drunk? You don’t have to feel alone, or be alone. There is a HUGE recovery community! Have you seen The Anonymous People movie? (it’s available online) It notes that there are 23 million Americans are in recovery! I am sure we can help you tap into that resource and build a support network. Please post an update.
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And how r u traveling now?
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What do you mean??
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I am not sure how to join this blog so this is a test…7 days sober:)
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I wanted to post and say thank you for this blog and to everyone who comments. I just came across it after a google search “How did you quit drinking” and it is so weird to read everyone’s experiences. I am exactly the same. I have all of these red flags- all of them.
Today is the 2nd day that I haven’t drank, it’s 8pm and normally I would be into my 5th vodka or so. I drink daily and usually have 7-ish vodka and waters (to save calories). Reading this blog has gotten me past the “just go to the liquor store and get a pint” today.
This past weekend I drank even more than usual and yesterday I woke up so sick and I had to have my photo taken at work. I looked so bloated- not even like myself at all. I have gained a lot of weight in the past couple of years and I try to tell myself that it’s not from the vodka…but it is. I’m 45 now and I know the drinking is affecting my health, but I always make excuses. I can talk myself into anything when it comes to liquor.
I’m not to a place that I can ay that I won’t drink again, but I can say that I won’t drink tonight, so thank you!
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Today I am 90 days sober! I wanted to thank you because Yours was the first recovery blog I came to in the beginning. When I read this page, it confirmed what I already knew and the next day went to AA and got a Sponser. There is no way I could have done this on my own. Not drinking has not been easy but I’m so grateful to be on day 90. I never want to go back to Day 1. But I’m cautiously optimistic. I have to stay in today and not let my alcoholic brain get to far ahead in time because that’s where I start thinking that maybe one day I can drink like a “normal” person again. I’m still in that place and I think it’s because I had what some call a “high bottom” or I like to call it a “soft bottom” (because I think that’s a funny term and I have to keep a sense of humor ; ) I think when an end to drinking is more quiet and not so outwardly dramatic, denial can be even harder to overcome. It took me years to admit that I was powerless over alcohol. I still hope that some day I can just get over it and move on as a non drinker but I know that’s not today. I need my recovery program to keep going one day at a time or I’ll end up right back at day 1. I feel way to great most days to go there and on the days I don’t feel great, I go to a meeting, or read blogs, or listen to The Bubble Hour as my meeting for the day. I woke up grateful for another early morning Sunday without a hangover and for sober sleep!
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Congratulations on 90 days!
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Im 27, and the first time i got drunk i was 13. I dont drink very often but when I do I always lose control. I’ve ad 6 or more episodes where I get into fights, got robbed and the last one, last Sunday I hit a policeman and got arrested. I’m very scared because I swore to myself to stop drinking so many times that I’ve lost the count. Now I have to solve my legal situation derived from my last bender and I’ve decided to quit alcohol for ever. But don’t know if I can make it! Comments please?
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Hi Promethius – you CAN make it, I promise you. Your mind may start to whisper “you weren;t that bad, you can have a few now and then” but don’t be fooled. It doesn’t matter how often or even how much you drink – what matters is the relationship with alcohol and frankly, yours sounds like a very abusive horrible one. Get free of that sh*t. There are lots of people your age in recovery – don’t think your life is over! Go to a meeting or a sober event and find some cool people who you can have fun with and never ever have to worry about that monster coming around. Depending on where you live, there if often a group for under 30s.
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I’m 27 too. I’m kind of in the opposite situation – I’ve never gotten in (legal anyway) trouble or fights because of my drinking, but I did a lot of it – every night. You can make it! I’ve gone 5 days now without a drink and it’s hard but I can’t BELIEVE how much better I feel. Even this time last week it was nearly impossible for me to literally get and stay out of bed and I have more energy now than I have in years. How have you been doing since the 15th? Solidarity my friend.
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Back again. I think I’m going to be here quite often. Day 9 of my third and final attempt at sobriety. I thought, after 6 weeks not drinking, I could go back to ‘moderation’. I know now that this isn’t the case. Moderation isn’t in my vocabulary when it comes to alcohol. Day 9 and I’ve had none of the physical symptoms of my previous attempts but the last two days I’ve been ridiculously emotional. I’m hoping it’s just my body’s way of trying to get me to drink. I’ve resisted. Wasn’t even difficult. This time, giving up feels different. Real. I had a dream last night where I had some wine and I was so disappointed with myself. I’m seeing that as a good sign. I just hope this mood will lift as I may not have a relationship if it continues.
Has anyone else had this mood/feeling of hopelessness?
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Hey Neet – have you read this post about drinking dreams?https://unpickledblog.com/2015/03/09/drinking-dreams/
You are right – I think your dream was a good sign too.
The gloominess you’re experiencing can be grief – you’ve lost a relationship and it’s common to be sad for a while. But just like a bad boyfriend, it hurts but you’re better without it and you must not go back! You will be so much happier if you just keep going away from it. The great thing about abstinence is that it is easier – honestly just easier – to have none than maybe some.
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Thanks so much for the reply! I’m on day 12 and feeling so much better and brighter now. The dream I had was where I was behind a bar and I didn’t know what was in one of the pumps so I tried it, realised it was wine and was shocked because I hadn’t even considered that it could be alcohol. In the meantime, a friend of mine (who I also consider to have a drink problem) was sitting in a chair and drunkenly pouring drink all over herself. I’m hoping I’ve turned a corner, even though it’s very early days yet. Watch this space, I intend to be back to let you all know when it’s day 365 (day 12 now).
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Today is Day 1 for me. After having read unpickledblog and listening to Bubble Hour for a week, I am determined to embrace sobriety. I am terrified!!! But at the same time full of hope. A weekend with my loved ones, which was meant to be a good time turned into a nightmare after I blacked out for having drunk too much. I woke up full of shame and guilt and being at a hotel does not help. People has approached my mum this morning to enquire about my health as I looked in a terrible state last night. I am lucky to have the support of my loved ones but I cannot keep gambling with their patience. Physically I feel out of sorts. God help me.
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You’ve made a great decision. You might have woke up this morning thinking “I wish I didn’t drink last night” but I promise you won’t wake up tomorrow saying, “Wow I regret NOT drinking yesterday” – mornings are GREAT from now on because each day is another success. I am cheering for you! Feel the fear but do it anyway – you are giving yourself the best gift ever.
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Ps – the physical withdrawals only last a few days and are a reminder of the damage alcohol was doing to you. Look up the signs and symptoms so you can be sure you’re detoxing safely. Great job!
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Hi Jean, it means a lot that you replied. Thank you. I made it through the day. Hurray!!! I am reading all the blogs I can to prepare myself mentally for the first days of sobriety which I know will be hard… But not impossible as lots of you made it and this gives me hope. Hoping to check in again in a few days to update on my progress. So glad I found this community.
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Day 2 sober, End of working day, “Wine o’clock” !!! Continuous internal dialogue : “Should I go home or should I grab one drink?” I feel sad, I miss the friend who has been my side the last five years. But then that friend has turned more into a foe in recent years. After the kick of the first drink, I become its hostage. I no longer wants this friend. Despite my body craving for it, I will not give in. So I have made my way home 😟. What will I do with myself till bedtime? I do not want to think or plan too much. I am just going to read unpickledblog and listening to Bubblehour. I need the testimony of the winning warriors, I want to be part of their team one day. For the time being, it will be one moment at a time. Lots of terrifying thoughts going on in my mind though ” I do not feel prepared”, ” Will I make it tomorrow “….etc etc
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Hi Myhealthfirst-
I got my start with sobriety here on unpickled as well. I am at day 117 without a drink.
I remember the feeling on day 2 for me. It was tough and just got tougher for about 2 weeks. I think my mind was rebelling more than my body or any chemical reactions. My body just wanted “my friend” back just like yours does. And it is like losing a friend.
That first week when it felt actual pain I just kind of pretended I had the flu and pampered myself with chocolate (dopamine replacement) and laid around watching TV.
Some valium for the first couple of weeks help with nerves as well if you can get them for your doctor.
After a couple of weeks I needed to keep my mind busy and my body active. Exercise really helped with withdrawal symptoms and still helps and is something that will fill the holes in your day that “your friend” used to fill. It also hits you with replacement dopamine rushes.
What also helped me was to talk about it. I just told my partner that I was going through something pretty heavy and traumatic and would need to just blurt out nonsense about it once in a while and to just be patient with me. It really helps if you can express how you are feeling each day to an understanding partner.
If they give you the attitude that “it’s no big deal, you can do it” make sure to tell them that it is a very big deal and you will need to talk about it with them to get though it together.
The other thing I did was not to think of my drinking years as wasted years (which they weren’t) or to be ashamed of them. I just think of them as I was having a blast “partying with my friend” and now that part of my life is over.
Anyway, I hope you can make it past these first couple of weeks. Please don’t be tempted with the “I’m doing pretty good, maybe I can have just one” rationale that your brain will start poking you with at about day 5 or 6 (or probably for the rest of your sober life).
Keep posting here for support and good luck.
Ciao for now.
Old Rummy
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Hello Old Rummy,
Thank you so much for your response. Wow, 117 days, Congratulations! I am sure you understand the thinking of the addicted mind, ie Instant Gratification…in this particular case, I am thinking, wish I was on my 117 days sober too or 1,2,3,…years sober. But I realize that I need to change this pattern of thoughts and try to enjoy the journey, the good and the bad, the easy and the tough…it is only after reading all these blogs of amazing women and men that I have come to realize and accept that this journey is not impossible. I do not have any recovery person in my life, all of them are either still battling with their addiction or died with it.
Thanks for the advices. I do like the idea of pampering myself a little bit. I used to exercise and enjoying it but gave up due to…you already guess, alcohol. So I look forward to get back to it after my mind and body goes the first few days of hardship. I am single but have a very good support network in my family and friends. I only need to muster the courage to tell them that I have decided to try sobriety…yet another time (I have been in rehab 3 times already).
Wish you the very best.
Myhealthfirst
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Hello,
Today is Day 7 for me… I cannot believe it that I have made it so far. Hurray!!! Like someone else did & say, I have been eating and drinking these recovery blogs, radios…these have been more helpful than any therapies I have been so far. Knowing there are so many like us out there and that the have beaten this demon gives me so much strength and hope to continue.
Yesterday was tougher than any other day, Wolfie has been whispering in my ears all day, you know, the usual stuff – you’ve been good all week, it’s Friday today, why not have a couple to see if you can moderate…etc But every time I felt my determination weakening, I have read some blogs or listen to Bubblehour to get my confidence back. I did not give in.
I am following all the advices as well, eat often, drink lots of water, change routines…etc
I have slept 9 hours last night, man, that was good. No hangover, guilt or anxiety like last Saturday morning.
So THANK YOU ALL MY RECOVERY FAMILY
Xoxo
PB
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Like many who have commented so honestly, this post resonates all too well with me. I am 56 and frankly, until today, could not imagine a life without the guilt and shame of drinking. Your stories sound just like mine, too much wine and anxiety, too little joy in everyday living. I want to be as mindful in working toward a life I can remember and appreciate as I have been developing every red flag listed here.
While I am sure my struggle is not the secret I have hoped for years it is, today I took a leap of faith and told my sister I have been worried about my drinking for years. Her response was gracious and loving, and I knew as soon as I told her the truth, that the cycle of shame and secrecy could be broken. She told me that she had something in her life that she was having trouble getting a handle on. She asked if she could call me every night before bed to see how I’m doing, and in turn, she would share her daily progress. A weight has been lifted, and I am as grateful for the opportunity to be there for her as I am for her support.
I would love to connect with another person to share encouragement and accountability, If there is a pen pal out there who is beginning too.
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Hi – I like your post it’s really straight forward and honest, and honesty is the best place to start – I am in my 7th week now and it’s going well, there have been a couple of moments when I have craved a tiny bit but kept brave – I wish you the best of luck 🙂
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I would love to be your pen pal. I am a female, 57 who just stopped drinking 6 days ago! I finally got to the point where I just couldn’t stand the guilt, anger and disappointment with myself any longer. I drink daily. Probably a bottle of wine or more. I tell myself it’s ONLY 4 glasses. I can wait till 5 o’clock every day so I don’t really have a problem right? Uh, yes I have a problem and I know it but just don’t want to admit it. I even have sharp pains in my right side as of late and I know it’s my liver but would rather stay in denial about that. It’s been difficult this week but I feel empowered that I’m sticking with my commitment. And I’m proud of myself. Initially I told myself I’d stop for just one week. Just to see if I could do it. My husband said he’d do it too. In the past he has not been so supportive and I now realize I am on this road by myself and no one can do this for me. I received a call from my doctor’s office that I need to come in to be checked before they’ll approve my hypertension prescription refills. Coincidentally my appointment is for exactly one month since I decided to stop drinking. I am terrified what my liver function tests will show so now I’ve committed to at least this month to not drink. My husband’s birthday is the day after the one month is up and I tell myself I’ll celebrate with him by having a drink and also celebrate my “success” in not drinking. How ironic is that? I’m going to have a drink to celebrate not drinking…..Ha! I am definitely fooling myself (again) thinking that will be okay. We’ll see…….hopefully I won’t want one and it will still be fun. Would love to hear how you’re doing!
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I’ve started to comment a few times as there is so much I want to say, yet admitting it’s time to stop (while craving a glass of wine) finds me without words. I have two beautiful, hormonal 13 year old girls (and who when joking with other friends we say that is why we drink so much – teenagers), a great husband who doesn’t really drink during the week, puts me to bed when I’ve had too much (although I can be mean if out of it) and says he’s not worried about it (in denial himself about me). I’ve gained 15 pounds in the last year (wine is not a girls friend when counting calories), lost my zest for work (and I own my own business so that is not a good thing) and hate myself in the morning if I don’t remember everything the night before. It feels so daunting and impossible to do this for even one day, BUT I know it has to change. So I’m hoping today is the day that action day! I know I may make a few slip ups , but I need to do this and THANK YOU for this blog and all the inspiration. Just have to tell myself one day at a time!
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These are almost exactly my reasons for quitting. I don’t have any dramatic stories, no DUI’s, no lost jobs or relationships. I’m a friendly, productive, reliable drunk. This has made it possible for me to blow off awareness of my problem off and on for years. It will be two weeks tomorrow since I’ve had a drink. I miss it every day during the late afternoon. I miss it right now. I’m not going to have a drink today but I worry that my resolve is weak.
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when my resolve feels weak I think of the consequence of one drink and how far back that would push me in terms of recovery – stay strong and distract yourself when you feel vulnerable
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Oh my goodness! That’s the perfect description of me! The friendly, productive, reliable drunk. I have also been telling myself for ages that today I won’t drink. Until 5 o’clock rolls around and I say, I’ll stop tomorrow. Well tomorrow finally came 6 days ago. I started by saying I’d stop for one week and asked my husband to do it with me to which he agreed. He has not been as supportive in the past and I’ve come to the realization that I am on my own and am the only one that can do this. I miss it every day as well. What helps me is drinking more water (I am already a big water-drinker), exercising and I am trying to eat better but not too fanatically because I don’t want to take on too many changes at once. Every time I think, I’ll just have a glass or two, I talk myself out of it and remind myself how mad, upset, disgusted and disappointed in myself I’ll be if I give in. I have made this commitment to myself and I plan to keep it. It does feel empowering to keep my promise to myself and I am also proud of myself. It’s only been 6 days so I am worried about social encounters. My friends will surely comment (they all know I’m a drinker) and I plan to just say “I’m taking a break” and leave it at that. The other worry which prompted me to try for one month to stop instead of just the week is I have to have blood work on August 19th. I am terrified of my liver function test results. I’ve had some minor pain in my right side and I’m sure it’s my liver but I, of course, ignore it. Well, good luck to you! Stay strong. Remember you will feel worse if you drink than not. Please keep in touch.
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I’m in the Contemplation stage but I have been at this stage for a long time. I am recently retired, live alone, and the effects of wine are really starting to show – gross weight gain, no energy, skin conditions, etc. My father (65), sister (43), and brother (47) were alcoholics and are all dead.
I am happy I found this blog because I was feeling all alone.
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You are not alone. I may be much younger, as I am a 29 year old female, but isolation is hard. I am in a relationship where my significant other is always away and I have developed the same problems. I don’t even know what advice to give you, since I am in the same boat as you. However, find comfort in that many other people are experiencing exactly the same things that you are. I know that is helping me.
It would be awesome if this blog had a forum where people could post and provide friendship and support. Take care and I wish you all the best.
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Like many others have said, I am so happy I found this blog. I am 29 and have only been drinking wine heavily for about a year now. I drink between 1 – 2 bottles in the evening about 4 or 5 nights per week. I know I have to stop and have told myself I would change but have found it very difficult. I have been living with my partner for a few years and he works away for almost two weeks at a time. I think I have become lonely this past year and have found solace in wine. This past year I have also gained over ten lbs; my hair is really dry; my eyes are always tired; and my teeth are becoming stained (I prefer to drink red wine). I am always tired and moody at work after a night of wine and I have found myself telling white lies to people. I always prided myself on my honesty and now I make up stories so people don’t know that I drink alone. I recently accomplished a major life goal and celebrated by drinking almost 2 bottles of wine. I went to work the next day hungover and excited about my accomplishment and told people I had celebrated with friends… I also have four main liquor stores I frequent, making sure to alternate which ones I shop at throughout the week and I have come to the realization that there is no such thing as moderation for me. I used to buy a bottle of wine and pour one quarter down the sink, thinking that would be it for my night. That never works though, as I always find myself regretting the decision and walking over to the liquor store right by my house. I am ready to kick this habit to the curb. It is definitely going to be hard but I am tired of living this way. I feel like I have wasted one year of my life living in a hazy alcoholic stupor and I do not want to waste another day feeling and looking like garbage. I am going to have another go at quitting on my own, and if it doesn’t work I am going to talk to my doctor about maybe being prescribed some anti-alcohol medication. I start out everyday strong and determined, but find myself pulling into a liquor store parking lot as soon as work ends.
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A lot of your story resonates. I’m 29 this month and have been at this (badly) for about 1.5? years now, gained weight, frequent different stores, and feel Iike I’m wasting my life. Now that I think about it, I think being lonely is also part of my problem. I moved before I got married, to closer to where my husband grew up, and I don’t really know anyone besides his friends and family. I feel pretty isolated.. =/ It’s almost quitting time at work, and even now as I still have a horrible headache, the urge to head to the liquor store is kicking in. I guess we need to take it one day at a time, huh? Sending you internet hugs.
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Glad to hear I’m not alone, especially at our young age. We can do this… We just need to find a healthier hobby/crutch/addiction. I still have not found my own replacement, but am looking into finding one. Hugs and prayers. XO.
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I completely understand your story, I’ve been working very hard at not drinking but over weekend lost an aunt, who was like a mom to me, had the 11th anniversary of my dads death and dealing with a manic depressive daughter who just got out of rehab for opiate addiction. I didn’t drink for two days but wanted to and today after dealing with my daughter broke down and had a couple shots of vodka and now completely disgusted with myself.
The dialogue in my head, you can handle this but then something takes over and says but your under a lot of stress, blah, blah. My husband has called me out many times for my lack of coping, not in a mean, judge mental way. Just out of concern and love.
So last two days I managed, today couldn’t take it. Try again tmr, I guess we just have to continue to have awareness and keep trying to not succumb when under stress. So hard but so important.
I appreciate what everyone shares, it has helped me immensly.
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I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I also almost lost someone; an uncle, who was an alcoholic himself and suffered a house fire caused by a cigarette. You would think that would have straightened me out, but I went out and bought some wine and cried non-stop. Before I made an actual effort to quit drinking, I read about the psychology of drinking and had a pre-warning about situations like these. I have not been successful in dealing with these types of situations; but I do know we have to work on not accepting traumatic experiences as a free excuse to drink.
Also, you must have an amazing husband. He sounds incredibly supportive and loyal, don’t take advantage of his goodwill. Make changes for yourself first, and then make sure to thank him for being by your side.
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Old Rummy checking in on my big 100 Days Sober!!
Just a note to all that are considering quitting… I would drink a 1/2 bottle of wine in the mornings as soon as I woke up (no wine glass, straight from the bottle) just to feel normal.
Then I would slowly work my way through a 1/2 liter of Bacardi… all day… every day.
If I can do it so can you.
I’m never going back to that. Life is just too good without it.
I wish everyone luck on their personal journey to sobriety. I’m still reading everyone’s posts and they are a great inspiration to me to keep going.
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31 days for me today and will not look back
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I kind of don’t know where to start….
I drink about a bottle of wine a night, likely more. I didn’t start drinking until I was in my early thirties mostly because it bugged the hell out of my husband, just like taking up riding a motor cycle did. ( Obviously, drinking was not my only problem.) What I realized is that drinking made living in an unhappy marriage fairly bearable at least for a while. I wasn’t drinking so much back then, but I felt my wine hid my pain well and somehow gave me enough guts to leave this unhappy relationship. After the divorce their was always a reason to drink my beloved wine. Every reason was a good reason and that is how this really got it’s hold on me.
Fast forward to today, approx 15 years later and wine is still my security blanket, my friend and has recently become a huge weight I drag around with me. My new husband drinks, but he can take it or leave it and when he puts his mind to something he achieves it. So him not drinking wouldn’t be a problem for him. Me on the other hand, not so much. I find myself watching the clock for that magic time of 5pm so I can pour myself a wonderful cold glass of wine although yesterday 3:30 seemed close enough. I always have wine chilled and waiting. Unfortunately, we make our own wine at a craft winery so wine is never a shortage. I plan this out very carefully, so we are never on empty.
My husband has mentioned that he thinks I drink too much and to his dismay he has had a strip torn off him so has not mentioned it in the last three years. It is amazing how nasty I can be when one confronts me on this topic. The worst part of it is, he is completely right and I know this. I don’t go to bed completely blacked out but at times I do know that I am not far from that happening. More and More my mind berates me all night long. I toss and turn hearing my inner voice telling me that “you can’t stop drinking, your pathetic and you are killing yourself.” During the night I make a decision not to drink tomorrow, but like many of you have said… by the time I start cooking dinner it just seems impossible to cook without my glass of wine or two then later three or four. Unfortunately, we are not talking these little half glasses of wine, but filled to the brim size glasses.
I know I don’t want alcohol to be in charge of me, but I am so scared to try. The idea of not having a glass of wine ever again, just seems not doable or willing to do. I don’t want to not drink ever again, but I know from experience I can not moderate either. Wine gets me through, everything. At times I have made rationales like ” your not the only person who likes their wine.. see they drink more than me….. it just helps me relax…” You get the idea. Always full of excuses, but I know on a conscious level it is all BS.
I guess I am afraid to try as I know I will fail. If I make myself accountable to my husband that would mean I would have to tell him that my drinking is a problem. (Which is not so bad because it really is) but, what if I don’t succeed more than a day or two. He will know that this is a problem that I am not happy with but I am not giving up the drink. I feel he will always be watching me, judging me or maybe it will be that I am judging myself. As I have said before, I am so afraid of it all. I really don’t know where to go from here.
LR
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I can relate and I have the same thoughts…it all took me by surprise and now I don’t know what to do or where to start. I think we should not be so hard on ourselves since we have taken the first step by coming here!.
I have a friend who rang me today (and who doesn’t know about my drinking) who said he had given up cigarettes and was drinking weight loss shakes. His words were ” Well now what do I have to live for!!?”….and I was so keen to tell him I understand, then I got annoyed that there are no “Stop drinking shakes” or “Stop drinking patches” !
So I suppose it is all about motivation and strength and that is what we do for each other.
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Thanks Julie, it is so good to be understood without judgement. Where do we get the courage, motivation and strength to start. I used to think that if the dr. told me my health was declining that, that would give me the courage. I went for a check up earlier in the year and he said he couldn’t ask for better results on anything, except my weight, he said I needed to grow two inches. LOL So no incentive there. Truthfully, I am not so sure that I wouldn’t have made excuses even if my health was in jeopardy. It is pathetic. Your right we are one step closer to making that decision by just being her on this blog. Thanks for your optimism.
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Sounds like you and I are so similar! But you know what….Soooooo many people on this blog (my first blog ever) sound like us!! What an amazing and supportive place to find peace. I look forward to reading everyone’s posts.
We are getting there – every one of us!
Not sure about anyone else but I ask “What the hell happened to me?”
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That inner voice that says “what do I have to live for” and I cant imagine living the rest of my life without one glass of wine is something I know well. I quit smoking 30 years ago and in the beginning I would see my brand at the store and feel like it was my best friend I had abandoned. I learned though that it was the voice of addiction talking and after time I never thought that way again.
Today I am one month free of alcohol ( a short time but an eternity) and the way I got here was to banish that thought that is my voice of addiction (how can I live te rest of my life without it) and tell myself just for today. If you do this, the addiction voice gets fainter and fainter and most of the day euphoria kicks in (i did it, i can do it and I feel great). Please try recognize the voice of addiction when ypu stop drinking and have those sad never again thoughts. Accept them for what they are, maybe put off responding and say I will think about that in a week. This is working for me and I was drinking over a bottle of wine a night. I wish ypu strength.
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You’re closer then you think. It’s going to be like a bad breakup where it doesn’t end after the first break. But keep at it and you’ll screw up then get a sober day screw up then two sober days then seventeen sober days then screw up and then it’s back to zero sober days. You’re already conscious of the pattern. Plus you’re probabally tired of the guilt that comes with alcoholism. Then eventually your sober days will mean more to you then what being drunk now means to you. It’s that simple.;)
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I am so happy to have found your blog. I am looking for resources and support, not an AA group. I had a very bad weekend, in relation to drinking, and it was an eye opener. Luckily I am physically fine and I have a great man in my life sticking by my side. That all being said, quitting drinking is unimaginable to me. The longest I have gone since 18 (I am now 31) is three weeks without a drink. I go 3 to 5 days here and there. I easily drink a bottle of wine or more a day, sometimes not counting a mixed drinks as well. I am not ready to say “I will never drink again” but I am ready to make lifestyle changes and I see that I am wasting my life daily by not remembering the end of each day, and moments with loved ones. I am going to try to only drink one or two glasses at special occasions moving forward, but I am scared. Do people recommend counting the days of this is my current plan? Any advice? Support?
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You sound just like me! I always want to quit, and have said I was going to plenty of times, but never gone any longer that 24 dats a few years ago.
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Hi, I am new here. Googled alcoholic blog just to try to find something like this! I don’t want to go to AA just like I never wanted to go to Weight Watchers–not a joiner–but definitely need to read and relate to these stories. Day 22 for me. I stopped for 21 days a couple of months ago and tried to just have a glass of sauvignon blank from New Zealand (my poison i know). And it was delicious but within a week I was back to a bottle or more a night.
I have been told I have beginning alcoholic liver disease. I vacillated between believing the doctor and the ultrasound and lab work and thinking he was an alarmist and trying to scare me. Now why would he want to do that, but that’s what I thought. Then I had to take an antibiotic that did not mix well with alcohol and in fact would make me hurl for hours if I did so. This was lucky because I really could not drink and decided I would just not go back after the 10 days.
Most of the time I feel quite euphoric about not drinking, not having to worry how much I will need, how much is on hand, how much faster my bottles of white disappear than my husband’s red. Around 5:00-7:00 I can get a little snarky but it is getting better. I drink seltzer water with lime in a wine glass which makes me feel like it’s an adult beverage and I also just like handling a wine glass.
I have told a few close people and my doctor the truth and that I need to stop. My husband thinks I can quit for a few months and then cut back. NO. I can not do that. I am jealous that he can go a night without or just have a glass or two , no big deal. I think he feels guilty drinking in front of me but truthfully, I would rather he just did and not make me feel guilty for making him quit or cut back. Kind of reverse pressure in a way.
Some positives: My life doesn’t end at 7:00 PM passed out on the couch and I am able to watch some TV. So we are watching TV series from the library that we have missed over the years and are really enjoying the sagas, commercial free. I can enjoy my grandkids without worrying about endangering them or wine breath. My liver is healing itself and my blood work is already better. My Depuytrens contracture is fading (does anyone else have this sign of alcoholism/liver damage?) I can go places at night now which I have not done in years.
I keep telling myself I am not on this earth to be in an alcoholic haze half my life. I am anticipating a fuller life.
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Joy, what a fabulous name, I had to respond to your comments. The positives you mentioned were (are) so me. The one statement that really stood out was that you’re able to leave the house in the evening. I felt like a new woman (probably because I am). Over a year later, I still relish that feeling whenever I drive somewhere at night. Keep up the good work, it only gets better!
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Thank you, Susan. It is only now that I admit that for years I have avoided any activity (meeting, book club, trivia group) that does not include drinks and takes place after 5:00 PM. I am happy for the people here who are 30 and 40 and have awakened. I was a zombie until I was 60, not always of course, but at least 15 years a zombie. I am going to find a group or class that meets at night to join!
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New here….I saw several people asking for pen pals and I would like one. Female, 55, Pittsburgh.
Trying to quit drinking and having hard time.
Bad marriage, no support system.
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Here Here
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I would like to be your friend I am trying to stop drinking This is day 1
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I like this blog. I am a drinker and I’m waking ever day beating myself up. I want help. Are any of you in AA. I haven’t read entire blog so don’t know what support you guys are using. Please give me some advice.
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Betsy…I could’ve written your comment word for word myself!! This is the most comfortable I have felt talking to other people and I’ve only been on this blog (my first blog ever!) for a few weeks. I have looked into AA, but not made a decision.
And I believe that us admitting we don’t like what we do and waking up cranky at ourselves could be the first positive step!
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Try an AA meeting as a visitor to “see how it works”. CONTINUE to look to discover the best way for YOUR sobriety. You will never regret it.
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Hey Betsy, just checking in. I have a bunch of links to other resources besides (and including) AA because there are many pathways to recovery. The key is to get motivated, build a support network and take action. It has been an entire month since you posted so I hope you have gotten started – it is never too late.
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Well……..I came cross this blog after a Google inquiry about why do you get drunker when you leave from inside and step outside to fresh air! The reason for the Google inquiry is because for the umpteenth time I have woke up with no knowledge of some events that took place the night before! The guilt I have of not remembering what I did is overwhelming and embarrassing! I have been a police officer for 7 years and I am also married and my spouse has an occasional drink! I spend about 300 a month on booze for my house alone then whatever more socially drinking outside! Every day….I drink…not have a drink…I drink until I pass out! I will not lie to you or myself saying that I drink to decompress….I say now I drink because i am alcohol dependent! What scares me most is that I drink outside and drive home and wake up not remembering when I even left the bar! I’m afraid that I might lose everything I have worked hard for due to something alcohol related! I am beyond trying to train myself to drink in moderation and drink responsibly! I want to retrain my mind and body to where alcohol is not a prerequisite to a fun or relaxing evening! Don’t if I am at the first step because I have acknowledged my dependence issue before and I managed up to a week of sobriety! Need hypnosis or something…thanks for listening in advance! Wish me luck and strength
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Officer,
The first step is to take One Day at a time. I was in your shoes drinking heavily for 15 years not remembering who I pissed off the night before. I know how hard that first day is. Don’t count days because each day is a new day and just think of it as getting through that one day. The next thing you know you have a series of “one” days. My first 14 days went by so fast because of my mentality. It’s not easy but you will feel better each day. We are all in this together! Do it for yourself!
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Checking in, Officer. How are you doing? What lessons can you share so far?
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Hello all. Today is day 60 for me. This is by far the longest I have ever gone and I feeling better every day. Keep up the good work and for all of you just starting out it does get easier.
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great going… tell us more during and after your San Diego trip. Best wishes.
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I leave for San Diego two weeks from tomorrow. Vacation will be a challenge and I believe I can stay strong throughout it.
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Congrats on your milestone! Stay vigilant – especially on vacation while you are out of your routine and away from the supports you’ve created. Eat a little extra, tire yourself out during the day, indulge in other luxuries, and be present for every beautiful moment – that is the gift of living alcohol free. I always say that vacations a great value when you’re sober – you do more, spend less, and are conscious for all of your waking hours. Twice the time for fun and you remember all of it!
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“Be present for every beautiful moment” – inspiring.
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It’s nice to hear positive is in the future…not doom and gloom! Thanks
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This is my leap of faith! I am embarrassed and cranky at myself that I have reached this point.
I can relate to so many comments so may people have made, it’s like you read my mind!
I have never joined a blog. I am not sure what I am doing really!
The bottom line is I have no reason to drink each night – it’s an empty habit and I hate myself for it. My husband ignores it and my daughters have started noticing it, which makes me extremely sad.
As is the case with so many people, I have reasons I MAY be like this but I personally think they are my excuses.
I want to do the hard yards and have a life, I have no reason to have a crutch such as wine.
For the first time in my life I am looking outside my family for support and reassurance.
Thank you
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Julie, you sound so much like me. I have tried so many times to give up this ridiculous wine habit. 2 years ago, I made it 4 1/2 months until a business trip that included many cocktail parties and dinners. Now I am trying again and am at 52 days. It gets harder each time, but I think I am going to do it this time for the sake of my longevity. I know that I have family who needs me around as long as possible.
This is my first blog, too, and it is so much for valuable to me right now than the endless time wading through other social media pages. You all are my best friends right now. I hope that I can be of encouragement to you, too.
I try to avoid parties and social things as much as possible. That is the hardest time, when everyone is drinking and asks why you aren’t having your usual wine ( at 60 years old, I don’t think the pregnancy excuse would fly).
Hang in there. These times are hard, but I am hoping that it gets better. I remind myself that I am doing it for my children, one with special needs who needs me around.
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Try this site! http://www.hellosundaymorning.org
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Thank you! It does seem that alcohol is everywhere, and it’s hard to avoid it. I do believe this is my first step towards sorting things out. I think of it like weight gain or smoking – they sneak up on you and then you see there is work ahead of you. Drinking seems more taboo which makes it (for me) a little more embarrassing.
Dolly steps!
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I am so glad to know you’ve found your way here to support and encouragement. You are not alone! Life without alcohol is not only easier and guilt-free, but it gives us a chance to check our thinking and understand WHY we need to numb out and escape. Sometimes small shifts in our thinking can make huge changes in our lives. Don’t give up, even if you feel a bit icky at first (emotionally, physically, socially) – it gets easier and then it gets GREAT!
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Two months ago, I did 10 days, my longest since pregnancy. I was determined but now, I can’t go alone. I signed up for Belles 100 days. But, I need a sober pen pal. Anyone willing?
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Sure, I can be your pen pal.
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I would be willing to be! I am trying something similar
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Wow – I can’t begin to tell you how reading this felt as if I wrote it myself. I’m new to sobriety too, but have been going down that “I’m quitting ________ (Monday, after this weekend, after this holiday, for New Year’s, etc.) for years. I was drinking 1/2 to 3/4 of a 350ml bottle of vodka per night (more on the weekends if I included the day) to the point of passing out every night, picking fights with my husband, forgetting conversations, horrible hangovers and always, ALWAYS, the thought that I was going to quit… I HAD to… and the inevitable swing of the clock up to 5:00 when I knew I’d find an excuse not to. I didn’t want to hit rock bottom either. It just suddenly felt like poison and the pride and excitement I felt in freeing myself from that took over! Thank you for being so brave and giving us all hope!
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Hiya, I found you by accident but am a believer in fate.I decided yesterday, enough is enough, so at midnight last night I called Day1! I am 46, I am a mum of 3, wife of one, full time home office worker in what I would call a relentless sales job and I am unhappy. Not unhappy with my life generally, that could not be further from the truth. I have a lovely home, a home in France, I am reasonably comfortable financially save the odd blip, I love to ride my bike, I have just ridden 500km for charity London to Paris, I have started to learn to play the piano after years of saying I wasn’t adept enough to do so, but inside I hurt quite a bit. My 22 year old son is working his way thru depression which has had disastrous consequences for his University career, my daughter works hard and is just about to graduate but eats for comfort, my youngest son is beautiful and stammers (stutters), all things that I have taken on as a very personal burden with I have felt very little outlet for my frustrations, anger and upset. So there are my ‘excuses’ for my drinking to have gotten out of control. My vice is wine, red wine, not white, not blush, not spirits, not beer, just wine – I have in fact this morning poured every other half full bottle of anything resembling alcohol down the drain and that felt good, there is no wine in the house because I finished it yesterday.
I have been thinking about doing this for ages as time has moved on and I have felt worse physically and mentally due to my inability to drink in moderation. I am a half a bottle of wine a day drinker, usually whilst cooking and then on into the evening. Doesn’t sound a lot does it? The most I have gone without a drink for as long as I can remember is about 4 days and that shames me. Its weird as I have a load of willpower, I gave up eating meat 2 years ago without a second thought and haven’t looked back, but oh no not wine.
Yesterday in the UK was a Bank Holiday an extra day off work, the weather was average and its cold for this time of the year, I wasn’t motivated to go out and bike, I just wasn’t motivated to do anything other than to drink a half bottle in about an hour resulting in me being bored to death and in bed by 8pm – what a waste. I woke at 11 feeling horrid, sore head, dry mouth, got up to get a cold drink and thought you know what I am ashamed, I am underselling the true me and THIS IS IT!
I have been waking like this every day for as long as I can remember, tired, sick, pain in my side that I can only put down to alcohol, awake in the middle of the night and not being able to sleep again, starting to think about all the unthinkable (and unlikely) things that may happen (and won’t) and that I couldn’t solve anyway – At times I have abandoned mental responsibility for my lovely, darling little boy as I would rather finish a drink than put him in bed ‘it’s Daddy’s turn’. Shameful.
So this is day 1 – I am going to be making myself busy, I need help but cannot ask for it, I have abandoned my Facebook & Twitter accounts as I just cannot pretend to be the person I am not any longer – but I cannot tell a soul I know for fear of judgement and the pressure of staying on the wagon. I need to do this alone and for me.
Sorry it was long.
P
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You’re among people who understand here, P, and your story resonates with me. Stand up and claim your beautiful life back. It’s hard at first but so so worth the effort. There are lots of others reading your words who will see themselves and be inspired to follow your lead. You are a recovery hero, starting right now.
>
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Hey Day 1 – done. It felt great even though I have not drank for some days at a time previously this felt this time this is for good! I cooked, walked the dog, swept the yard, crayoned with my son, played my piano, watched my little boy play piano, watched some TV, drank some hot milk, went to bed and listened to the Bubble Hour which was great.
I slept really well, didn’t wake up in the night, woke early without a headache, not feeling sick, just feeling great!
I know its slow progress and it will get harder but I will do this 🙂 I bought a bunch of tulips yesterday, they looked sad and their heads were droopy, this morning they are pert and upright and sat on my desk glowing at me – I know how they feel. P x
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Hey 1 week today – I am equally pleased and scared in the same measure – can I keep this up or have I just stopped for a week and been lucky? I am on the train to London for an overnight stay for work – when I dropped my little boy at school this morning and told him I wouldn’t see him until tomorrow he said he was sad as he wanted me to be there tonight – that’s the first time he has ever said that – maybe because all week I have been present and in the moment and he has seen a change – I hope so – that’s the best endorsement I could get P
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I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!
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“Stand up and claim your beautiful life back” – that brought instant tears as that is exactly what I need to do. 😦 I’ve say I am done most every day, I want out of this addiction that has just came about the last few years as a coping from being in a horrid relationship(done) and then my son almost died right before my eyes last year. I’ve come far from the hole I sunk in but the WINE is holding me back from living my true self.
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P, I felt exactly that way and wish you luck and prayers. I drank over my angst that I was not the ruler of the world and could not manage my or anyone elses (my childrens) circumstances. Sobriety is not only possible it is DOABLE with support. Life is worth living with all it’s emotions, good and bad. It’s a privilege to feel it, to live it. Join on on the sober path, it’s a smooth ride.
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I am day 18 tomorrow will be the acid test my husband plays in a band and I am going along to watch tomorrow night – these were my bigger social drinking occasions but not tomorrow I am driving him!!
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Hiya – I have just logged back into my WordPress account as I am going to start Blogging again – I didn’t stick to my commitment to quit in 2015 but on the 4th May 2016 I did – and have not touched a drop since – I cannot believe I have made it this far and it has not been as difficult as I thought it would be – there have been holidays, inc all inclusive cruising, lots of trips to France, celebrations and commiserations and on-going anxieties mentioned in my original post but here I am on the 1st Jan 2018 – free – I was so sad when I read my original post – I didnt see how low I had gotten but I can assure all who commit that life is absolutely for living and there is NO looking back – I wouldnt swap the sleep I get for a glass of wine, no more pains or fuzziness and although I am not always 100% present I am a much closer than I ever was – good luck everybody
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Thank you for your blog and for this particular post. After many months of trying to define my relationship with alcohol, I was able to admit that it was toxic in every way. (I had passed several “Are you an alcoholic?” tests on previous occasions!) I committed to not drinking and am on Day 4. I feel more free than I have in many years. I told my husband on Day 0 and my best friend on Day 3. I am commenting here because I believe doing so is an important next step. I have never posted on any internet forum and my hands are sweating like crazy because I am so nervous. : ) Thank you and all those who have posted for your boldness expressed in honesty.
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Hi Come Healing – I am slow in responding to you – apologies! So glad you mustered up your courage and posted – you’re right, those little baby steps lead us to greater and greater strides. How have you been managing these past weeks? What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned so far?
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Update: it is evening now ad it has gotten better. Yes I had the urge to go and buy a bottle of wine but I got through the day without a sip. Feeling better and can’t wait for a new day to smell fresh air, do normal things. I know I will very soon start to look much better an the anxiety will disappear. It is only the beginning but I simply have to fight it. I’m better than this and have so much to love for. we all need to keep saying this to ourselves.
My advice is: on the first day of sobriety (and, obviously, u are still not entirely sober) stay in a comfortable surroundings, best in your home and avoid all the stressful situations at all costs. The one and only priority now is staying without alcohol. Tell your closest people to understand. Everything else with start falling in place once you fight those first days and stay sober. Do simple tasks like a little bit of cleaning, ironing, reading, whatever it is that you can concentrate your mind on for a long time. I spend most of today reading this blog, playing Candy Crush Saga, watching favourite TV series. It has gotten easier despite of still feeling anxiety and sweatiness and my mind is still a bit hazy. But it will feel a lot better soon. Drink a lot of fluids, water and herbal tea, I was not very hungry today as my stomach is a little upset, but I tried to have something light. Do not have a drink, even if you promise to yourself its your last one. You will hate yourself for being weak and feel terrible the next day.
Good luck!
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Good job Misssavey! You’ve gotten through your first sober day. It’s very hard at first, bit the days start adding up if you don’t succumb to those urges! Sounds like you have a good plan too. I was a heavy drinker for years and this July it will be four years sober. I absolutely do not regret one day of my decision. 🙂
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I did a doozy last night. Alone, drank, and sent an email to my sister detailing frustration that went back to the day my Mom died….6 years ago. I typed it during a total black-out but made no errors. I didn’t even remember doing it.
I am done drinking…using it to self medicate severe depression. I hate me.
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I feel for you – do not hate yourself. I understand and have done the same. Be kind to yourself – when I say that to myself I feel safer.
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Hi everybody,
This page is a Godsent and I’m so happy I came across it.
I guess it is due to me being often anxious, worried about too many things and, generally, stressed out, not being able to relax about life that I’ve had an alcohol issue for about 10 years now. Im also more of an introvert rather than one of those very bubbly, loud girls. Red wine has helped me feel more carefree, relaxed, not so tense. I’m 30 year old now and I’ve managed to live my life reasonably well but I would have achieved much more if alcohol was not an issue.
As soon as I had my first drink I knew that alcohol turned me into a different person. Fun, social, outgoing after a glass of wine or two, but I could never stop at that. At the moment I drink about two bottles of red wine every day for 4-5 days, then I stop for about a week or so and then it starts all over again. I also get very encouraged to argue, fight, insult people when I’ve alcohol. And this is not how I am when sober. I had terrible fights in the past, with my partner/s but also with other people, I lost some relationship because of my drinking, my work performance suffered a lot. I’ve caused a lot of grief to my current partner already and I feel like this it is an ultimatum – I either stop or we split up and I’m left to deal with life on my own. He is the most beautiful, loyal person and he is very supportive, but he thinks its about having this strong will to choose money beautiful home, kids rather then choosing drinking. And I agree with him but still until this point I have been unsuccessful at quitting for good.
As I’ve written before, I have periods of no drinking at all and it makes me feel amazing, I have a lot of hobbies, I love doing housework and cooking, I go to gym to tone up, I’ve been given so many opportunities in life and always had pretty much what I wanted so I don’t understand why I’ve continued to ruin my looks, health, work, my whole life with that awful wine.
I will not drink today because I have had enough. After being sober for a while the first hangover is terrible with headaches, sweatiness, etc, today I’m extremely anxious and cannot interact with people at all. I know that I can’t feel like this again tomorrow because this is making me extremely depressed. I can’t stand to look at myself so I know I have to wait it out until I go to sleep and tomorrow is going to be much better. I know the desire to drink will disappear in a couple of days but I’m so scared because I is programmed in my mind that I deal with stressful situations by drinking alcohol. And I don’t want to keep doing this.
Thank you for reading
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Today marks my 46 days sober…..I truly never thought I would see it tho….I feel great physically…we are going on a camping trip this weekend and I want to continue not drinking but am kinda nervous anout it…I know I can’t stop living life or ask my husband to not drink while we are camping cuz of me….I want things to be normal and not be a big deal for me……in other words I don’t want to be giving him the stink eye for drinking while I choose not to…. Wish me luck!!…thanks for listening all
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good luck, Bobbi. you will do fine. just think how good you will feel the next a.m. by not drinking &— you can listen to mother nature with all the clarity she has to offer.
CONGRATS ON 46 DAYS – THAT IS SO AWESOME.
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Thank you tired Terri for the words of encouragement…it helps…
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Best of luck to you, Bobbi! I understand how hard it is to watch your husband be able to enjoy a drink normally, when you know that for yourself one will lead to many more. I am indulging myself with many different flavors of soda water during “cocktail time” and while fixing dinner. Club soda with a lemon and a lime has become the restaurant regular.
Am wondering if it is normal for the brain to go fuzzy and stress level to be high after 28 days. My competitive bridge game, my retirement hobby, seems to have hit an all time low this week, and I would love nothing more than a glass of wine right now! Clearly not an earth-shattering problem in the scheme of things, but very demoralizing on top of giving up a pleasure that I have enjoyed for so long.
Will try to keep clean, though. Thanks, friends, for being here for me to vent!
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Unwining ….I was having pretty hard time about a week ago….I hated everyone around me….crying all the time ….pissed off like no other..a constant headache that I am still battling with….idk what the deal is…thinking of going to see my dr if it continues…and a lot of anxiety….maybe it’s just a part of it….good luck
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i think going to your Dr. is a good idea. i have taken that approach. it is so hard to leave your best friend.
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Sending you lots of good ~~~vibes~~~~ Bobbi. I hope you surprise yourself by having fun, and hopefully you can also open up to tell your husband that it is hard to be around alcohol. It probably isn’t as hard for him to quit as it has been for you, so maybe he wouldn’t mind at all passing it up for the weekend. You never know unless you have the discussion. At least if he knows it is hard for you he is empowered to be considerate. You don’t have to protect other people from how YOUR sobriety makes them feel! You’re the one who needs the support right now 🙂
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Well, I have been here a few times but I stayed away until I hit day 30 for the first time. I think the last time I was here I was up to 26 days but I fell off. Today is day 30 and I plan on continuing. A lot of you have mentioned summer and drinking. That is a huge trigger for me. Mowing the lawn with a beer is very natural to me but I have replace that beer with water or Gatorade. Congratulations to all of you that have made it this far and are still going. To all of you that have fallen off just get back on that horse (wagon) and keep on trying. You will feel great about yourself and your family will love you more for it.
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Tim, great job! I used to look forward to cutting the lawn in the evening and drinking the whole time, now I do it in the morning and drink coffee. I have a big yard and it takes me about 2 hours to finish, in the past that was a lot of drinking! I’m on day 12 and everything is going really well so far. For me I have found just changing the times of the things that would have brought me to drinking has been doing the trick and eating dinner early. I feel like a different person with so much energy and perspective now. I don’t want to fall back into the cycle that I was in before so I’m keeping my guard up. Once again, you have accomplished a lot being clean for 30 days be proud!
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Tim,
i am back on the wagon- i had 34 days, now i am on day 2. it seems so far away – that 30 days. i know what happened, i had the 30 days and was proud, then i thought i can have a wine – plus we had done a lot work around the house, my husband was in a softball tournament, beautiful weather – all positive stuff which is also a trigger for me.
i know i can’t have any white wine in my house. Just knowing it is in there, makes me crazy. Sunday, i went to exercise, visit my mom & dad, visit with a hospice patient – all good things, all the while in the back of my mind i knew i had a bottle of white wine -which was left over from our cook-out Friday night, and it was calling me – not just for a glass but calling me to indulge the whole bottle. you know, drink it all so i won’t have any in the house!!!! so i did.
i now know also, that this on/off dance is pretty normal, so i am going to not be too hard on myself- knowing i did 34 days is amazing & i want to do that & more. i have got to get it through my head that i can’t drink like a normal person. that’s what gets me.
love this blog. so grateful for unpickled.
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Thank you NewMe and Terri. It is tough because I love a good micro brew but I needed to stop. Once I have one beer I can’t stop. All or none. Get back up on that wagon Terri and hopefully you are not beating yourself up too much. You realized you slipped up and now you are doing the right thing. My true test will be my vacation to San Diego the end of June. I will be there for two weeks and we usually hit all the micro breweries out there. Not as if I don’t have a million out here in Colorado but still it is a mental thing. I did make it through yard work on Sunday without even thinking about popping a beer open. I know it is cliche but I am taking one day at a time.
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oh man, San Diego – i love that place. that will be a test. but you already have time on your side. i wish you luck and much San Diego clarity. i know what they mean by one day @ a time – lord – trying to plan ahead for sobriety is about crazy!!!
thanks for chiming in!!!
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I feel exactly the same way. if the question is sincere I answer it, but if they are just looking for dirt to have something to talk about I turn them away.
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As time goes on and the weather gets better my craving are at are all-time high. Just now I found myself thinking maybe I could just have a beer tomorrow. I thing I might go to a AA meeting tomorrow, Just for the company or to be around people like myself. Now that I’m feeling better. I feel myself say “ Well your fine “ . I declined all the Fight night get together because I know that’s a terrible situation to put myself in. Like I mentioned before I haven’t really mentioned my quitting to anyone and I just know I’ll be turning down drinks the whole nigh if I go .This is the Hard part that I kept reading about . The part where you better enough to think “hey it wasn’t that bad “
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A lot of people trip over that part and it can be a real setback. If you have been journaling your experiences, looking back can be a shocking reminder of how crappy it was to be in an addictive pattern. If you didn’t write it before, think back and write down some low moments your remember. Tuck them away and reread them if you are tempted. Twitter was very helpful to me when I felt tempted as well. Use the hashtag #xa and post “I feel tempted to drink. Need encouragement”
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Thank you for this – I have not been to AA but just today was thinking about how helpful it would be to have a sponsor when I’m going through psychological tug of war regarding drinkin. My significant other was not being supportive in a way that’s helpful (just tell yourself to not have any” – when I ask him to put beer out of sight). You read my mind – the twitter thing sounds like it could really help!
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Dee,
I so relate to this – the nice weather and being outside are increasing my cravings too. I hope you made it through the weekend ok. I have been fighting with myself all day today trying not to have a beer. I say “a” beer because it’s not normal for me to just have one. One leads to another. I think when Sunday rolls around and I haven’t accomplished as much as I want i get anxious, annoyed or whatever it is, and alcohol helps me to keep going with whatever I’m doing. My normal self is painfully slow and so easily distracted I can’t stay on task. But, the crappy feeling of drinking too much isn’t worth it – dry mouth at night, feeling low the next day, digestive probs, headaches, or the worst is drinking to the point of being dizzy/spinning which precede throwing up. I have to keep reminding myself of the benefits. Too many episodes in the past where I did stupid things that I know would not have happened had I not been drinking. And I always feel better physically when I’m not drinking. Any reward of drinking is short lived. Still, it feels like a psychological tug of war and I hope I can pull the damn rope over to my side!
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Hi Dee. I so remember feeling this way! Especially that first summer I was sober. I still wanted to sit outside & enjoy my cocktails & soak up the sun. I really felt like I was sacrificing a lot back then. I think it’s pretty normal in all the firsts that happen.
If you stick with it (and I know you can) all those ” I’m missing out” feelings go away. You actually become pretty proud of the fact that you don’t live that way anymore. I brag on myself nowadays because I started put just like you and that was in 2009! It’s sooo worth it. 🙂
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Hi, I just found your blog a few days ago, and the posts and comments are wonderfully affirming. To see so many other people struggling in the exact same way with societal pressures and the unhealthy coping mechanisms generally preferred, it’s gone a long way towards reminding me that I’m not alone. 112 days, second attempt. I made six months the first time and was done in by complacency, so I can’t let myself take things for granted. Despite the debt and anxiety, every day sober is a gift.
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i have already hit complacency. i have 34 days and then i have now had 2 wines last Friday night and 1 wine last night. i am not mad @ myself, but i really, really don’t want to get back in the habit. i like the evenings that i am not drinking, i know tomorrow is going to be bright – and i prefer those to nights of being cloudy when i go to bed. i have so many situations that put me to the test, but i am working on being stronger in my choices and not worrying about the comments. this friday my husband’s softball team is coming over for a cook-out – i normally am nervous and anxious about these things, does my house look ok? food coming out ok?, etc – i usually have 2 wines before anyone gets here. i don’t even have any white wine in the house, but i will have some to offer the guests — i am not going to buy it until the last minute. i am going to do this gig sober and feel good with the group the next day.
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Gah Terri! Don’t throw in the towel – keep doing the sober shuffle and build on all this great stuff you’ve learned. You have been an amazing supporter of so many readers here – how can we support you now? Let’s hoist you over this little mud puddle of temptation and get you back on track!
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unpickled – thank you so much for the encouragement. i have definitely fallen, but i guess this :”shuffle” is part of the process. i am going to try to pick it up again today.
the one thing I know for sure, is the minute you let your guard down the addiction is right there – it is amazing, once i had that glass of wine, subconsciously i knew it was in my system – not sure how to explain this, but when your clean your clean and when your not – your not. simple as that. i don’t feel strong today, but i will get there. can’t believe the support of this blog. i was so pumped those 34 days, i want to get back to that and also work on replacing the alcohol with something positive – to fight off the cravings and feeling bored sometimes. i am impressed with your Europe trip being sober. i have been there several times and can’t imagine that trip sober – but it would be nice. i know the food and country would be amazing without a hang-over. plus the energy you need to walk and sight see.
thanks for getting me back on track.
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50 days sober today!
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wow awesome
50 days – that is such a milestone.
good for you:)
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I am glad you are here and hurray for all you have achieved in your recovery. Keep going and keep posting. You inspire us all!
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ok, so this is how i am going to start the day. i am making a smoothie – that has strawberries, banana, some kale, cucumbers (good for hydration) & cinnamon. hope to continue the day this way. cut up some veggies to have @ lunch. i know we are what we eat! (in our cases – what we drink –lol!!!) healthy on the inside = healthy on the outside.
planning ahead like this helps – the 34 days i was sober, i was heading towards this philosophy – and going to get off the sugar cravings — man i am amazed how much i wanted chocolate. this time going to try to be aware of that also.
happy Monday!!!
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Terri- Can you make me one:) I am also have the sugar cravings. I keep a lot of fresh fruit and have italian ice for a “nightcap”, it seems to get rid of them. I must say I feel great and full of energy since I stopped drinking. I’m sure eating healthy our bodies are using everything we put into it to repair the damage we caused. Great job!
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I don’t know how I found this site but am so grateful I did! I am on day 9 without alcolhol. I have been drinking daily for probably 20+ years. When I just read the Red Flags for UnPickled it was as if I had written them myself. It is my exact same story. I can easily put away 3/4 of a bottle of wine or more each evening while cooking dinner and in my household, its just my husband and myself. He doesn’t drink wine. When I stopped drinking last week it was because after a usual evening with a bottle of wine, I woke the next day with possibly the worst headache I have had in many years and could not remember most of the conversations with my husband the previous night. For the first time, it scared me. I have known for a pretty long time that I possibly have a problem with alcohol but just didn’t want to quit, or just didn’t want to face it. I have never, since high school, gone out or to a party and not drank. I’m not completely sure I even want to go out at all right now. I’ve spent periods going to AA meetings to see if I could relate or if it would help but I never qui drinking. I don’t want to go to AA but I know I will benefit greatly from the support of hearing other people stories to know I am not alone. I only drink at night and usually at home. Once I eat, my desire to drink goes away but I always get a good buzz on before I want to eat both at home and out to dinner. I have all the same fears I’ve read from others, can I do this? will I have fun being social? will my desire to drink go away? I hope so. In the last week I also told myself maybe I’ll quit for 3 months and see how I feel, maybe I can go back to drinking in moderation? Truth be told, I know I probably can’t so I’m going to need to learn to live in a completely new way without alcohol and that makes me nervous. I looked through UnPickled’s vacation photos while sober and cried because I have never gone on a vacation where drinking wan’t a pretty big part of it. I’ve been married 19 years and on our 10th anniversary, ruined a beautiful evening on a trip to Santa Fe by drinking to many Margaritas and causing a fight over nothing. And my husband has been amazing. Many stories like that. Anyway, I don’t need to share them all at once! Sorry for venting and thanks so much for sharing. I’ll be listening to the podcast as well. Happy I found the site.
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Thanks for sharing your story JMS. We have a lot in common with each other and a lot of the readers of this blog. I am glad you are here. And HURRAY for 9 days – you are through some of the hardest days physically. Now you get to start working on the inside stuff, and learning to navigate the world without the usual armor/medicine/reward and everything that wine represented for you. Hopefully you will find some ideas here for getting through the rough patches and please share what you learn along the way. It helps so many! Connecting with people in your community via AA or another program is great, too. There is nothing like talking to someone else who has been there. Don’t worry about how long to quit for – just do the right thing for right now. Eventually, life without alcohol becomes much easier and pretty dang great!!
On Mon, Apr 27, 2015 at 5:23 PM, UnPickled Blog wrote:
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JMS, the red flags fit me in every way too. I also can relate to you in every way, can’t recall a vacation where I didn’t wakeup hungover. Who wants to go on an all inclusive Mexico vacation or Vegas and not drink everything in your face for free, right? This is many of the reasons for choosing to quit. One of the major things that made me quit was what my body was telling me. I could get through the hangover and hide my tiredness from people but the small pains and weird feelings in my body have been scaring the hell out of me, I’ve never had this happen before. Even with all of that, I still couldn’t wait to drink each day and that cycle also scared me. I’m 43 and never have felt my age, always felt younger until recently. When sober, I was always witty and just fun to be around but have lost that in the last couple of years and want that back, I’m just tired. I have not been to the doctor in a few years, have been afraid of what they would find/say, in the past this wouldn’t have been a issue. Scheduled an appointment about a month from now for a full physical and will be brutally honest with him, I am done playing this russian roulette game with my body and family. Knowing I can’t just say “I’ll just cheat today and start again tomorrow”, things must change. The last six days have been going pretty good and made it through the weekend, but I also know the demon is waiting to try to trip me up and I must be alert. Stay strong and keep posting, it helps me and others a lot.
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Thank You UnPickled, NewMe and everyone who shares. For the first time, I’m really starting to understand the importance of connecting with others in the same boat and hearing their stories. I’m realizing how important it is to remember my own alcoholic behavior and how it effected not only me but others in my life as well. I’m going to write down some of my many episodes over the last 20 years that I’m now starting to recognize as alcoholic behavior before I realized, or was ready to admit I had a problem. I’m on day 12 with no alcohol and for the first time since quitting, last night at 5 I started to feel that familiar craving for a glass of wine as I start thinking abut cooking dinner. My last day of drinking startled me in a way like never before so the first week was not that difficult but last night, I could start to feel how I could once again shrug off the problem and think that maybe my drinking isn’t that bad. What I did to forget the craving was listen to an episode of The Bubble Hour podcast and it helped immensely. I’m going to make that my new cooking companion. I love to cook but had made wine my cooking partner for years and that has not worked out so well. My husband has been so supportive by just choosing not to drink to support me. I always knew I drank differently than him. This is the first time we have actually really talked about the extent of my drinking and it feels good to really talk about it with him about it instead of making the issue small. I read stories here and tears just come out of the blue. Something has changed for me this time. I used to question why people go to AA after they have been sober for many years and now it finally clicked that with this disease, you can’t let yourself forget how hard it was to get to this place and to stay sober. I see from people sharing here how complacency is a dangerous place and I’m scared to go there. Will try to keep the real truth about my drinking in from of me. I’m grateful and humbled.
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Thank you for this fantastic share. Have a wonderful weekend!
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i have not listened to the bubble hour. i will have to check this out. i love to cook also, especially with that glass of wine sitting there with me. let us all help each other not go to this dangerous place of drinking. if we feel complacent reach out to this warm, welcoming blog. we are all the same, wonderful people in a big circle.
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Tired Terri, A few weeks ago I really didn’t think I could enjoy my cooking hobby ever again if I didn’t dink a bottle of wine while doing it. I’m embarrassed to say that but its true. But I am really enjoying the Bubble Hour as my new cooking partner! I hope you had a chance to listen. There are so many great past episodes that you can choose from so I just put in my ear buds, stick my iPhone in my back pocket and get lost in what I’m cooking while being inspired by others who drink like me. Last night I watched a documentary that was recommended on the show. Went to my first AA meeting yesterday, this time, and am going again today. I know I need the support to help me keep this addiction right in front of me. I actually asked for a sponsor. First time.Tears came out of nowhere but it felt good. Like a relief that I can finally ask for help. If I let myself forget what drinking is really like in my life, I’ll get in trouble. On day 16 sober and feeling healthy.
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JMS,
wow, i so love that wine while cooking. i have not gone to a meeting either. i have been told the in person support is great. i am going to try to get hooked up. i think you are right, we can’t let our selves forget what drinking is like— i always think – oh i can have just one – there’s no law!! ha, but i have never admitted that i can’t drink like normal people. maybe they aren’t normal! i am happy for you and your 16 days.
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Wishing a great weekend full of fun, rest, and sober goodness!
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I’m scared to tell myself to stop,maybe I should moderate? I don’t drink daily, but 3-4 nights a week. I can sometimes have 2 glasses, but most times its 1-2 bottles! I also can stop for a couple of weeks, but then return drinking with a vengeance(almost like my brain says, you don’t have a problem! You can stop anytime! So let’s get shitfaced now! Many nights of drinking in the last 2 years have me the next morning trying to remember the night, I won’t remember conversations, or even how I got to bed! My husband doesn’t drink at all, don’t know how he puts up with me as I usually start arguments with him when I’m drunk. I am 55 years old, have drank socially all my adult life, usually beer. The last few years I only drink white wine, it makes me so drunk, but it’s all I like to drink now. I haven’t had a drink in 6 days now, I’m just scared to think of never having a social drink again. Been reading the blogs for a few days now, thank you for sharing your stories.
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OH ANON!!!
i am right there with you!!! i am 60 and have drank since i was 17 or 18. i also can only drink 1 or 2. not every night, and then wham –i am ready i guess – then it is a bottle.
i also don’t remember going to bed. going to bed sober is the best and also the morning coffee . i am scared of not drinking socially also. the fact that we are seeking, trying is one step towards having better, clearer, healthier golden years. btw – white wine is my choice also. i do not have any in the house right now. i drank a bottle sunday, b/c it was left over here after a cook-out on the weekend. it;s like OK drink that bottle so you can throw it away!!!??
heaven forbid, i drink 1 glass and have the bottle last me a couple of nights.
the madness!
take care, happy 6 days.
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ANON,
i can so relate. i can also have a glass or 2, not drink every night & then wham – i am ready and it is a bottle. my choice is white wine also. i am scared to think of not drinking socially or even @ home on my patio. i also don’t remember going to bed sometimes. going to bed sober is awesome along with the a.m. coffee. i am 60 and have drank since i was 17/18. the fact that we are seeking an alternative lifestyle is going to help us be healthier, clearer minded & able to enjoy our golden years. Congrats on 6 days.
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So, Terri, I guess we just take it one day at a time? Funny I have a whole cabinet full of hard booze, a few beers in the fridge and even bottles of red wine in the house and they have been there forever. I have no interest. But let me buy 4 bottles of Pinot Grigio on sale and tell myself they are going to last a whole week!!! Ha, they’re gone in 2 nights! I love waking up in the morning without a hangover, my morning coffee is awesome as is my excercise. When I’m hung I can’t even make myself exercise, I’m overweight, out of shape, I need to cut booze out!
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grigio is my buddy also. same here – red wine, beer in fridge – doesn’t interest me.
i hope you start on the exercising part. go for a 10 minute walk. then maybe another 10 minutes later in the day. just getting the circulation going makes a huge difference, plus you have thinking time and you have to take some deep breaths.
thinking of you.
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Most of us realize we need to abstain as a result of all the times we have tried and failed to moderate. Normal drinkers have no problem moderating. People with drinking problem OBSESS about moderation. Staying off booze is a great way to give yourself some space to assess your relationship with alcohol and look inside for the happiness that you are going for with a “bender”. I hope the weekend goes okay for you. Keep taking care of yourself. Please comment and let us know what you are learning along the way!
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Thank you so much, Unpickled, for starting this blog, which has been a lifeboat to me for the last 25 days. I found it 3 days in, and now I am at 4 weeks without wine. I don’t think I am an alcoholic, but don’t think that even matters, because I am definitely addicted to wine, and have been for close to 30 years. I have tried many times to quit, but have failed for all of the same reasons that you and my other new blog friends have cited: boredom, social pressure, habit, loving the taste of chardonnay. But given the many health drawbacks, those enticements just aren’t enough. It is amazing to me that wine can take over my thoughts for most of the day, when beer and hard liquor don’t interest me in the least. I know now that I can’t practice moderation with it because I have tried that and failed too many times. Like you, JMS, the red flags were all so familiar. So far, I have only told my longtime best friend and my husband that I am doing this, and both have been supportive and encouraging. However, I haven’t told anyone the extent to which I think I have a problem. Drinking wine is just such a central feature of our social lives, that over-indulging, even though not drunk, doesn’t particularly get noticed. However, I know that drinking 2-3 glasses every day, and needing it emotionally isn’t healthy. There are some people who will notice and mention my not drinking, and I dread the big deal that will be made of it. So I am glad to stay out of unnecessary social functions as long as I can.
Good luck to each of you as we hang in there together!
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unwining,
thanks for your blog, very well put. wine is a huge part of our life also. i find myself looking @ my calendar to see when i would drink or not drink!!!
it is amazing to me how many of us have the same issues. makes me think in our social circles, the ones we see having a cocktail & WE think they are normal — probably they are NOT.
i mean -you can’t even go to a painting party without alcohol being served or a kids place – it always have ADULT beverages!!!
4 weeks w/out wine – that is so great.
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Unwining, I haven’t told anyone of my intentions to stop. Not sure myself if I am. Maybe take a 30 day break and see from there. Of course a family party this week-end 2 birthdays and Mother’s Day. My extended family is full of drinkers. 😁 You’re doing so good with 25 days!
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Well Its been Sober 74 Days officially today . Its been bitter sweet. I’ve had happy days , sad days, lonely Days, excited days. I m really proud of myself, I haven’t told anyone just something I Know I have to do. With the weather getting nicer I can feel my craving getting more intense. I plan on keeping myself busy. One thing I did notice is that because I don’t drink my social activities declined and so did the invites. That’s fine with me .
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Dee great job, I’m on day day seven and can’t wait until I get to 74 days! With the weather getting nice here in the midwest it will be a challenge, but I have a plan. In the past, I would associate things to drinking, like cutting the grass. Instead of doing this in the afternoon, I will do it in the morning and fill the afternoon with something healthy to do with my family and away from home. For me, this was my favorite time to drink and then the whole day would be wrecked, I knew it but did it anyway. I find that eating earlier helps getting me through the hard evening times 4pm-6pm, my craving time. Pick some healthy quick foods like apples, bananas or whatever you like and have something when you have a craving. Be VERY proud of yourself, we all know how hard that journey is.
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So great to read the inspirational stories you all share. Amazing of the commonality of the struggles us ” normal” people deal with. Your successes and setbacks inspire me.
I am just sick of thinking about booze. Every day around 3 PM I begin to watch the clock waiting for the 5 o’clock wine hour to roll around. Then it’s a bottle of red and usually a snort or two of scotch. I wake up the next morning usually tired and feeling like shit and thinking ‘tonight I won’t drink ‘ but I always do. Over the past four years I think I have had one day booze-free.
And when I look back I wonder how the hell did I get here. From my twenties through forties I only drank on weekend partying with friends. And not even every weekend. In my mid forties I was drinking very little. Then my wife and I checked out the wine thing five years ago. We would have a glass before dinner. It was fun. 3- buck chucks (trader joes) was a wonder. We didnt know what we were doing. Even put ice cubes in the glass of red. If I had a 2nd or 3rd glass and felt a bit typsy I would stop immediately. Now, four years later, I would consider myself an alcoholic. The wine and scotch gives it a bit of sophistication. Lots of friends can talk about vintages and wine deals for hours (of course while consuming excessive amounts.)
I have read Allen Carr’s book over the last two days and am motivated to quit. I like his approach. It’s not about willpower or denying yourself another drink. But rather freeing yourself from the poison and being set free. At this point I cannot imagine most of life without some alcohol present but i get where he is coming from. I am having my second-to-last glass now. And,following Carr’s procedure, will have my “LAST” drink later. I have chosen rock-gut Seagrams blend as the last. He recommends not using your favorite drink but rather something you find somewhat repulsive. And to really taste it as the poison it is.
I will cheer to my new life and to the improved life of each one of you. Cheers
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Oh Eljay this is great to read! I was an exceptionally high functioning alcoholic for years until I couldn’t function anymore. Shakiness set in earlier each day & I had to drink to make it through.
You’ll never ever regret your decision to quit for good. I’ve heard that book is an excellent source. I had to get extra help as I was so far down that hole, but if you can do it now it won’t be such a struggle.
Sending much support!
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Today is day one for me. My story is a lot like everyone else’s. I drink to much and the drinking is no longer fun. I drink every weekend until the whole bottle of vodka is gone. I hide my drinking and lie about it. When Sunday rolls around I’m often ashamed of myself because I can’t really remember enough about the day/night before.
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Hi,
My story is very similar, waking up every morning telling myself I won’t drink but end up thinking about it as soon as we hit mid day.
Hope you have been successful since writing this blog.
Is there a way out?
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Wow – the amount of comments I can relate to is both comforting and alarming at the same time. Sitting in your own home, in your own community, struggling to move to a better place can seem very lonely. I stumbled upon this blog two days after a drinking incident that really made me wake up. It wasn’t “tragic”.. like a DUI or a black out. It was the realization that my young teenage twin girls overheard a ridiculously emotional conversation with my husband the night before that was a result of drinking too much. I said things I would NEVER say or really think when not drinking. I typically am a drinker who never appears drunk…. but I have started to see how my behavior and personality is changing b/c of my unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
Those behavior changes aren’t just when I am drinking.. but the day after when I am trying to get my head clear and focused.. and then later in the day when I am thinking about cocktail hour. I am edgy and inconsistent and persistently giving myself the “get your sh__ together” message.A couple of months ago I told myself if I couldn’t stop drinking for 30 days I needed to get help. I was successful– and quite frankly SO much happier and after the first couple of days it wasn’t hard. Being at home with my family wasn’t hard. What was hard were the social events… alcohol is a very integral part of our society (or at least in my social life). At the end of my 30+ days.. i had a “girls” trip planned for 4 days. I totally convinced myself that drinking again was fine – I was under control. It actually was fine on the trip.. it’s just when I got back i started my routine up again of having a “couple” of glasses of wine at night – or bottle – who’s counting. You know where this story end… the realization that I need to be a nondrinker.
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I know what you are saying, my wife has told me I’m not the person she wants to be around when I drink. It’s not that I am a mean drunk when I drink, it’s just that is not the guy she wants to live the rest of her life and I agree. I am on day 3, I feel great and have no desire to drink yet (it will come). Hang in there and spend that extra “sober” time with your family and keep busy.
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HI EVERYONE,
MAN ALL OF THESE TESTIMONIES ARE SO RIGHT ON. THE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK WE HAVE, THE BLACK OUTS, THE MORNING BLAHS, THE FOGGY HEAD…..SO MANY REMINDERS OF THAT DARK PLACE, BUT YET OUR FRIEND WHEN WE ARE LONELY, ANXIOUS, HAPPY, SAD.
I AM ON DAY 34. THE MOST I HAVE EVER GONE. AMAZING. LAST NIGHT MY HUSBAND AND I WENT TO PF CHANGS. NORMALLY WHEN WE GO THERE, WE GO TO THE BAR, HAVE WINE AND EAT. I WAS SO APPREHENSIVE THAT I THOUGHT –WHAT THE H— I HAVE 30 DAYS UNDER MY BELT I AM GOING TO HAVE A GLASS OF WINE. GOT THERE, THE BARTENDER GAVE US THE DRINK MENU & POINTED OUT SOME ALCOHOL-FREE DRINKS! I AM THINKING — OMG – THIS IS MEANT TO BE. I WAS EXCITED. I ORDERED THIS DRINK THAT HAD FRESH STRAWBERRIES, CUCUMBER AND LIME/SODA. IT WAS SO GOOD AND “LOOKED” GOOD. DID NOT MISS THE WINE AND I AM SO PUMPED I MADE THAT CHOICE. I WISH MORE ESTABLISHMENTS HAD THAT CHOICE. BUT NOW I KNOW. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO WHAT IS TO COME AND BEING ABLE TO DO THE SOCIAL THING AND NOT FEEL BORED, UNCOMFORTABLE, ETC. TONIGHT IS A NIGHT OUT WITH MY SISTER AND HER FRIEND WHO IS COMING IN TOWN, I AM GOING TO FEEL EMPOWERED TO ORDER SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN AND BE PART OF THE “ATMOSPHERE”
THIS SOBER THING IS ANOTHER LIFE – ONE I ALWAYS WONDERED ABOUT.
HERE’S TO ALL!!!!
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Hello My True Self – you are spot on with realizing that it doesn’t take a classic “rock bottom” to bring us to the awareness that change is needed. Good for you and may you stay strong in your resolve. Come back and read your own words here whenever you think, “meh, I’ve got this”. Remember that by taking charge of recovery you are setting a wonderful example for your daughters!
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Hi MTself. I love that you’re thinking about this before it gets really bad. I wish I had! Alcohol destroyed so many things in my life that it was more of a forced situation. Had I had the knowledge that I have now, I would’ve quit years ago. But, all of our bottoms are different.
It also sounds like something that’s very achievable for you because you’ve done 30 days before! This is great.
I’ve been sober for 3 yrs, 9 mos. now, and things are definitely so much better!! It was very hard for me because it was such a crutch that I depended on so heavily in the end. The first 6 mos are the hardest, but using some tools that you learn or read about is very helpful.
I wish you nothing but hope & courage on your new journey. Your family will definitely reap the benefits, but it’s YOU who’ll gain the freedom.
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This sentence rang so true for me:
“I have started to see how my behavior and personality is changing b/c of my unhealthy relationship with alcohol.”
I was in an awful habit of being FUN and SOCIAL and ENGAGING with my friends, but with my husband I was wretched! I was irrational and nit-picky and defensive and not fun to be around. I am on Day 12 and I’m still terrified of saying “NO MORE ALCOHOL EVER,” but finding blogs like this, and reading comments from so many people I can relate to is an immense help!
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Thank you all for your supporting comments. It’s so interesting to see the responses people have to your own experiences.
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I am glad I tripped on to this blog. I am somewhere in between the contemplation and preparation phase and looking for encouragement and advice. I started drinking more regularly after my kids were born, which is now a couple of decades ago. I honestly think I drink out of boredom. I’ve never done well with tedious routines and chores and kids multiply those. Having 2-3 glasses of wine at dinner time helped me wind down the work day and get through the more tedious evening chores. These days, it’s more like 3-4. On weekends, I drink because although I appear quite social, I’m really an introvert and I really dread small talk. Several drinks right off the bat helps me get through the tedious first part of social gatherings. Even though I slow down after that, another couple of drinks adds up to a lot of liquor in one night. I’m tired of adding it up in my head the next day and feeling bad, on top of feeling groggy. I know that I need to make some changes because I’m tired of drinking and thinking about drinking and I’m sure this level of drinking can not be good for my health as I move into my fifties. When I try and stop or cut down my drinking (which I can do for a day or so at a time but it doesn’t last long), the worst thing is the overwhelming boredom. I realize some of this is my own fault for letting my interests go in favor of having a few drinks. Does anyone have advice regarding how to deal with this part of the transition? In particular, I still have older kids at home, so I’m not completely free in terms of re-constructing my weekday evenings.
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Winding Down-I’m in the same boat as you and today I decided to change my life. I have tried many times to quit and after a few days of “feeling” better I would go right back to it but this time something just feels different. I am in my 40’s and my body is telling me now is the time, I feel horrible. I have a physical planned in a month and this will help me with my goal. Being a closet drinker I don’t like to drink in social settings but rather alone. When I do drink it’s not just one drink, it’s until I’m drunk, so I know I can’t just have one and I accept this. I know what my triggers are and that is what will change this time. What has worked for me in the past was just to change my routine times and keep busy, walks have helped me. I wish everyone here the best of luck and stay strong!
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Hi Winding Down and Newme – I am so cheering for both of you right now! Freedom from alcohol is a glorious thing. No more shame, regret, self-doubt or self loathing! You deserve your life to be full and happy. If alcohol is robbing that from you, instead of delivering it as we tell ourselves, then kick it to the curb like a bad boyfriend!
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Thanks UnPickled! I’m on day 5 and everything is going well so far, my body is adjusting physically and mentally. Today, instead of working doing yard work and waiting for that “happy hour” to start, our family is going on a long hike. My wife was very surprised that I came up with this idea, more surprises to come! I hope everyone is continuing the battle and keeping occupied.
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I have a friend visiting me in 2 days from another city. We have a lot of fun memories involving drinking. She will stay with us. I am not sure how should I deal with this. I know we will still have fun not drinking but my heart is telling me not to let go of this beautiful time by being dry – a couple of sessions with wine won’t be the end of the world. These past months without alcohol have been great and don’t want to loose this life but really want to excuse myself for a couple of days of wet fun and then could be back on sober again. Not sure how I am going to handle this but wanted to put it in the forum.
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NMD,
If you can still look at drinking as “fun”, I’m sorry to say, I don’t think you will be able to moderate. In order to live a happy, sober life; you need to feel like you are not being deprived of anything but rather gaining so much more. Lee Davey always says “alcohol has zero benefits”. Everyone needs to make their own choices, though, so I wish you happiness.
SS
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Have to agree with SoberSusan on this one.
Take it from someone who knows…
“a couple of sessions with wine won’t be the end of the world”
this is your alcoholic self talking. If you are an actual alcoholic doing this will most likely end your sobriety.
I have done that twice, once because I spent some time in Bordeaux France and thought “how can someone go to Bordeaux and not try the wine”
That was the first time I fell off the wagon.
The second time was in exactly the same situation you describe here except with my Father, and that resulting years-long drinking binge ended 31 days ago.
I will never listen to that very reasonable sounding and logical other self again.
He/She is not to be trusted!
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Hello ,
I’m not sure what your story is and I commend you for coming here and sharing with us. I will tell you from personal experience that drinking any type or form is a very slippery slope . For years I would quit then, I would have that one day of wine with the girls that would go amazing . I wouldn’t drink to much ( to my memory) and things would go stellar. So of course is opens Pandora box to me thinking I can have a drink from time to time . which works well for a while until it didn’t and I was back on the crazy train. Drinking in a familiar setting is a catalyst to get back right where you were. I’m not sure how serious your situation is but if your really trying to stop drinking I suggest you skip it all together . Its very difficult TRUST ME I KNOW , right now I am basically friendless because I stopped drinking and people seem to have a issue with me not drinking but that OK . Well Good Luck and let us know how it goes
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Hi NMAD – I am late to this conversation. How did the visit go? Are you happy with how you handled it and are you doing okay today? Social situations are by far the hardest to re-calibrate when we make such a monumental shift in life. Let us know how you managed, what did or didn’t go well, what you learned, and what comes next. Big hug of encouragement to you.
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thanks unpicked. Very happy about it.
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30 days sober today.
It has been only the last 2 days where I have felt completely normal. No sugar cravings, no flashes of being irritable or anxious. I haven’t had a direct craving for a drink since I quit but I guess my body is just used to not having all that sugar in my blood.
I also had a complete physical and everything is just fine, my liver is perfect, so dodged a bullet there I guess. They did my blood work back when I was still drinking and that was the only alarming thing for my doctor was all the “fat” in my blood from the alcohol, she said it was at a dangerous level. I told her I quit drinking just after I had previously seen her and she congratulated me and said you should be just fine, that will take care of it.
I have tons of energy now and need less sleep so I am getting a lot done and having a lot more fun.
I am really enjoying this v2.0 of myself.
I have been reading the recent posts of people just starting their sober journey and just want to say just keep at it. It is so much better on the other side.
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old Rummy!!!
congratulations on 30 days. It is my 30 days also!!! April 20th. BUT, i have major sugar cravings – plus i don’t feel all that empowered. i always thought — if i wasn’t drinking, my motivation would be greater, have energy and interest – i feel kinda bored and zero motivation. i hope the sugar cravings subside, hope i get spunky soon. i have had so many situations where i could have drank, but i didn’t – i do like that. but i wanted a glass of wine several times this weekend. i am on mild anti -depressant – hope that kicks in.
thanks for listening.
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Congrats for making it to 30 days tired terri!
The sugar cravings are the worst.
I am riding my bike for about an hour every morning and that seems to help keep my brain staying on an even keel for most of the day.
It is the boring bits of the day that I need to keep active so I don’t start thinking about what I used to during the boring bits of the day (drink!).
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Congrats OR & TT to both of you. 30 days is huge! You should be very proud of yourselves, that’s quite an achievement.
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Congrats, you two! What is the best thing about sober life so far?
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thanks unpicked!!!
the best thing about sober life so far – is the clarity, going to bed with a clear head, looking forward to the next morning and the coffee. challenging myself in the social settings and so glad i won’t have a hangover, no sickly stomach. BUT, i do worry/wonder what’s next. all this is new and challenging – but when the new wears off – how to cope with possibly boredom, or the attitude – what the heck i made it so far. i am hoping that each passing day the desires will fade and I won’t have to worry. i know everything i do is a choice and i will always have this to deal with. once you experience how alcohol makes you feel -(the good feelings) it will always be there— i guess. any comments/suggestions? thanks- i hope to always be a “non-drinker”.
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Hi OR! This is great to read! I was thinking as I was reading your past blogs that today would be your whole MONTH sober day. I’m glad you posted! Also glad about the test results. I was also lucky in that area to not have any permanent damage from all those years of drinking. That, in itself is a miracle for us, huh?
Just keep it up cuz those months add up to years. It really is the way to live. Congrats!!
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I decided to quit drinking and smoking today! Have thought about it for months! I am 29 and have drank for 16 yrs and smoked for 19! I am doin it for health reasons but also because I to reakize rock bottom is next. I drink daily, alone, say Im gonna have a glasss or two of wine turna out to be a whole bottle, I just dont want to spend the rest of my life doing the same thing. Its time for a change and a healthier lifestyle! Going to be hard because my husband smokes and drinks everyday but he will have to quit on his own and make that decision for himself when he is ready, I cant control his life or his choices but I can control mine and TODAY is the day Im starting my transformation! Think Im going to start excercising and walking/running to replace all my hrs of sitting on my front porch with wine and a cig in hand. #Health #Better life
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Brittany,
great decision to want to have a better, healthier life… i wish i had this thought when i was your age. you have so much to live for. i am on day 26 – the most i have gone my whole adult drinking life!!! i have been drinking approx 43 years!!! i will be cheering you on. i can attest to exercise — it works!!! we do have to replace our addictive habits with something else – you are picking a good one. i have eaten so much chocolate lately –lord – one thing @ a time. will go exercise in the a.m.
good luck. this blog is awesome and very comforting.
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Hello all
I have been a silent observer of this blog but thought I would throw out my story too. IN fact, it is really no different than any of you. Probably first time in life I have scored 100% in something – the alarming signs you mention. I have been drinking since 18. Of course didn’t drink everyday when I was in the university and took time off for exams or anything that would require major devotion but then was quick to indulge into drinks whenever I am relatively free. This few over last probably 7-8 years I have been drinking heavily with short breaks in between lasting days or unto a few weeks. Clearly, it was time to quit.
I am a high functioning professional with beautiful family, very good job and social status and have been maintaining reasonably (well, at least in the eyes of everyone – but hangovers all day and daily drinking have silently taken big toll on the quality and quantity of work. My work performance was getting worse and there was a feeling of discontent with life, worthlessness, feeling dumb in meetings.. well you all know the stuff.
I drank heavily in the last part of 2014 and had a drunken discussion with a friend that it is now time to quit and that we would quit together. This was december 2014. Two days later the same friend had organized a party with plenty of drinks of course.He himself however had been remembering his discussion with me from our last session and although he was serving alcohol to everyone he was not drinking. He too offered me a drink – when I saw no drinks in his hand, I has some guilt within me. I said to myself: I can’t be drinking when the friend who I had drunken discussion about quitting with me is not drinking, So, that was it – I said I would drink coke instead. And I drank coke.
Came home, didn’t drink. Next day, still didn’t drink. New years’ eve happened in a few days and didn’t drink. In January, I had a 2 week vacation and visited my family. Me and my brother are long time drinking pals. So, just the idea of meeting was overwhelming to my drunk soul – so right in the airport to his plan, I bought a whiskey for him and drank myself too. The next 2 weeks of vacations, as you can imagine were filled with a varieties of alcohol – each day everyday. Most days starting at lunch, if not breakfast. I was at the rock bottom when I returned from the vacation. Stomach would hurt even with the touch of the air. Thoughts were all gloomy with no hope for anything. The hangover was so bad on the way back that although I had strong urge to drink, I controlled myself somehow so returned home without buying alcohol in the airport and did not have a visit to the liquor store. The way back felt like a hell ride.I had an enourmous feeling of guilt – there were only 2 choices: go back to the drinking self where there was likely no return and die early leaving the whole family in misery as I am the only (but a very strong relatively) breadwinner or to give up drinking and continue in the path of productivity, work , fame, money and most important of all no god-damn feeling of that worthlessness and immense guilt. I chose the second one. Yes, that was a choice not a compulsion. It grew out of the dirty feelings of course but I was the one to make decision. Who cares what brought this change in me – lotus grows on mud, not a clean garden I should be and am very very proud of myself of my choice.
I have not drank a drop since I returned after vacation – i think it was 22 January. So, it is over two months.. wait..79 days (just counted) of sobriety – ok I will take only 78 days because I don’t want to take credit for 22 January when I was still in bad hung over and I am sure if there was any breathalizer used, it would run out of numbers to show. It would probably give a pity laugh at the way I looked that day.Anyway, 78 days sober now.
Life feels awesome. First few days and probably 2 weeks were still foggy and dumb but thing have been slowly improving. My memory is slowly getting better and life is way more organized. The short-term memory part will still take time to be more clear and is not yet perfect but it will be – I will make it happen. I want to remember names of every person that matter who I met for the first time. I want an intelligent life for me and my family. Forget the family part – even if I was the only one, this is the only way to live. There is no other way. The other way is death, not life. They are selling death, just that they spell it alcohol. And we are foolest animals to choose that…….I know I sound awkward but hey this is 78 days, call me a brat, catch me tooting my own horns but i have no regret, not remotely comparable to what I have left behind.
And yes, I have developed a new hobby – now that energy is jumping out from every cells of my body, I need some space to throw out -I have started running from last sunday – ran 2 miles the first 2 days, 3 miles the day after, 3.4 miles the day after, took one day rest and today I made it to 7.02 miles (that is more than a quarter of a marathon)..yey… but my legs are hurting as I am typing this although I could’t care less – hope tomorrow’s rest will build it back, If I haven’t fractured my foot bone.
So, that’s my story. I want to keep it this way. I have certainly had urges to drink every now and then. There were a couple of long-weekends and I had 10 days off during this time. Urges were at the highest on the first days of those long time offs on the way back from work. But thank god I did not enter the liquor store – I was very close to do that in the beginning of previous the long weekend and the thursday before easter long weekend. I am glad i could convince myself. The only fear I have is this may not last as long as i want to – which is forever. I have to confess forever is scary but again so is going back to drink. But I know I will try my best. Trying my best has brought me this far, and hope it will too. Sometimes I get a feeling that once it is really a lond time – then may be i can start to enjoy a drink or two – but I know that will be a dangerous route, I hope I will have ability to make the choices at times of crisis in future, the only choice there is, the choice of life over death. Oh yeah, choice of life and death – so its easy, I will stay sober. But may be I can treat myself in my 80th birthday – then the choice of death might be the better one. See you at my 80th birthday you sobers !
OK – now i am not going to read all this again to do the spell and grammar checks now – read at your own risk (well, I guess it is too late for an warning, you have made it to here)
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Excellent story, NMAD! Thank you for sharing. I agree that the idea of “after a long time maybe I can enjoy a drink or two” can be a dangerous route. If I could truly drink in moderation (which for me is absolutely ONE) then I would not be here. In truth, I aspire to be like the people I know who are poured a glass of red wine at a dinner party and two hours later there is still half a glass of wine in front of their plate – because they only sipped at it and drank half! I supposed it IS possible to achieve this skill…in rare cases as alcohol is tricky stuff, and once it enters the blood stream, all bets are off. At least for me. Best to you!
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Hey “no more a drunk” Your doing a great job, hang in there we need stories like yours to keep us all strong. I just finished my first week sober in a long time, like you have a lot of extra energy so Im heading to the gym in a bit. Im on 7 days off & its always the hardest for me, I go back to work in a couple days & havent drank. I know youve heard the “one day at a time” saying, Ive been using that to get me through things. Yesterday was a beautiful spring day where I live & I BBQ’d with the family and got some work done, even made it to Church. In the evening I went to get gas in my wifes car and thought Im going to get a bottle of something after eveyones gone to bed tonight, then it hit me, it was 7:00 and Id be in bed by 11:00, why ruin my 7 days of sobriety with only a few waking hours left in my day so I didnt get a bottle. Forever is a long time but if I think of it in 24 hr. segments, its much easier for me. Hope it helps you also. Stay strong my freind
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Thanks Annonymous..
You are doing a wonderful job too.. that’s called the best 7 o clock decision ever made..Congrats! Now you need to beat that decision with other ones.. You all are a great group, cheers!
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read Allen Carr’s book called the easy way to stop drinking. It changed my life forever. Read the Amazon reviews for yourself. I was a drinker for 27 years. After reading his book I had zero desire to ever drink again I have not had a drink in over a year.
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thanks for the info. i may get that book.
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I got the book out of the library but returned it before I finished it. And crap, I hate to say that after a few weeks, I fell off the wagon. Friday night I had one glass of wine (out socially). I felt really good about being able to stop at one. Guess I tried to fool myself. Last night I had about 2.75 glasses of wine (again, out socially). Boy, I really felt it in the middle of the night. Today I don’t feel great. Yet It’s OK, all part of the process on my particular journey. I’m going to get the book again and this time read it until the very end. My experiment in moderation (stopping at ONE) failed, once again. And I know I can decide again, starting today, to *not* drink. It’s all good.
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I have been using alchohol to manage a stressful circumstance. Self medicating and now up to 4 sometimes 5 drinks daily. I’ve tried to moderate this and unable to do so. I want to stop but am afraid of withdrawl and not in a situation where I can detox somewhere.
I see that people are on day 3-16. Did you just stop? Or did you wean?
Tired of feeling terrible, concerned about my liver and my relationships.
Any input would be helpful.
Thank you
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Hi Sam
At least for me weaning myself off of alcohol never worked.
I never really tried it though as it was impossible for me.
I did have a maximum I would drink though which was 1/2 a liter of rum a day.
I think I was strange type of drinker. I never drank socially, even though I have an active social life, I always drank alone.
I would start in the morning when I woke up and have a drink every hour until I went to bed. Weekends I would top the rum off with a 1/2 bottle of white wine.
I never got blind drunk and never blacked out, but I was always pleasantly drunk and fairly functional. I never had traditional hangovers but once every two weeks or so I would not be able to get out of bed or off the couch and would slow down on my drinking for that day.
If you are having 4 drinks a day and you want to quit I would say just stop, right now, just decide and stop. Get any bottles you have around the house and even they are full take them out and smash them or make a big deal about throwing them away. Make it an event, “this is where I stop!”
I think you might be building up the fear of quitting a bit because 4 drinks a day should not create any lengthy or severe withdrawals. Everyone’s body is different though.
Mild sedatives helped me through the worst of it.
I am sober 21 days now. Yay me!! 🙂
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yeah is right – 21 DAYS!!!! awesome. Sam, this group of people are the best!!
i am on day 18!!! but i have some anxiety meds to help. it is worth having the clarity in the morning, no guilt or shame, remember things, no negative energy. keep trying. i do not have any white wine in my house. good luck each and every day.
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Thanks tired Terri.. Appreciate your support!
And great for you to be on 18 days!
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Congratulations old rummy and thank you for your input.
Appreciate it.
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Allen. Carr. Book will change your life
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Hi all,
I came across this blog today while looking for inspiration to get sober. I am only on day 3 at the moment. I am almost 30 year old male. I started drinking after a violent home invasion left me with PTSD and caused me to shut off to the world. While I acknowledge that my drinking may be more of a side effect than the actual root of my problem, I am none the less extremely tired of the regret and guilt. I have begun dealing with my psychological issues with professional help, but I know if I do not stop drinking I will never truly heal because I will always find comfort in the bottom of the bottle.
About 5 years ago, I took a job as a bartender. I now manage the place and it is nothing but detrimental to my well being. Unfortunately at the moment I cannot quit as I work two jobs to support my fiancee while she finishes school.
It’s not the memory loss or the blackouts that worry me so much. I become incredibly impulsive when I am drunk and do not care about the consequences of my actions. I have many times lost large amounts of money gambling while drunk (something that is of no interest to me when I am sober.)
I really want to be the man that my family deserves. For some reason, I feel like this is the time I am actually going to stop. I have two big social events coming up this week and I just know if I can make it through those sober that I will be off to a great start. I look forward to hearing your stories and sharing mine. It’s nice to not feel so alone. Cheers :).
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good to hear from you BartenderJ. this blog is so much help!!! i think you are well on your way to quitting and healing. being a bartender is a tough place to be. but it also shows us how we are on the other side. i hope you keep up the good work – 5 days right around the corner. the money you save from liquor/gambling will be worth it.
good luck. Cheers
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BartenderJ- I’m on day 16 and I can tell you that I feel a lot better without a drink. I used to live in anxiety and guilt after a few drinks (or the next morning) because I did things that I would never do sober. I don’t worry about that now. I wake up in the morning and think, there is no possibility of a hangover, or that I smell like beer. These things are incredibly rewarding and I haven’t missed out on anything while being sober! You can do it, and rely on this message board to help you.
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day 16 for me also!!!! it is so wonderful to wake up and not feel the guilt or the pain of over doing it. i had a drinking dream – except i wasn’t drinking, but when trying to remember the night before i couldn’t remember!!! i thought oh my – my black outs are not the same — so GLAD it was a DREAM!!!
so far i don’t think i have missed out on anything either being sober.
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Thanks for the open arms guys. Does anyone have any tips for social gatherings? Ways for someone who is almost always up for having a drink or twelve to say no thanks without it being so obvious that I have a problem? It’s not that I’m ashamed of it. I’m just kind of a private person and it’s a conversation that I would rather not have. Any one here pretend to be drinking alcohol (by substituting soda water, juice, anything that could look like a cocktail) to avoid such a conversation? Thanks again for welcoming me.
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You could say you’re taking antibiotics or driving or even have alcohol free beer so nobody would question anyway.
Best of luck.
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last weekend i asked the bartender if he could me make me something “FUN” & alcohol free/virgin. he brought me like a juice/seltzer with a orange slice and cranberries. looked the part!!!
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My friend who doesn’t drink suggested drinking sparking water out of a wine glass, it can look like white wine or champagne. Since I don’t drink cocktails, I think I will use this strategy next time.
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I came across this website today- after another night of the same nightmare of drinking to excess, diving into the black hole of my self pity, fighting with my husband, crying, waking up this morning knowing this must be what happened because I feel so terrible. I think I am going to lose everything–I will lose everything, my family, if I don’t quit drinking. The price of sin is death- in my case, drinking is a sin because I cannot manage it and it poisons my life. I don’t have anyone to be accountable to but my husband—no one else knows I am such a drinker. I don’t have any friends because my wine is my priority. I am selfishly focused on me being able to drink so truly am not in any relationship- though I say my family is my most important treasure in life. Anyway, I hope finding this website is a first step—kind of being honest without the reality of actually speaking my truth face to face. I appreciate the words shared here—-I hope to join the unpickled.
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Hello bottomed out….believe me you are not alone in this battle…all the wasted years I spent drinking that I can never get back …the guilt I feel for not always being there for my kids school functions because I was such a mess I couldn’t even drive …. Getting mad over nothing….Kids pissed off all the time….. I was a single mom and had no help….and I think the worst feeling is when you wake up hung over….can still feel the sting in your eyes from crying…..alcohol is a sure way to destroy your life.. And relationships….I am 17 days sober…..I hope to never drink again…..I have personally chose not to be around it if I can help it….I know myself to well and don’t even wanna put my self in that position …I still feel like my head is in the fog tho…..but I am feeling better with every passing day….good luck to you…stay strong…you can do this!
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Hi Bottomed Out. There’s a better way to live and yes, it starts with facing the truth about your relationship with alcohol. Getting sober can be the hardest thing we’ve ever done at first, but it becomes easier and eventually brings you the peace and healing that you thought you’d found in drinking. Many of us have been to that selfish, lonely existence you describe and found our way out to a free existence. I wish this for you as well. You deserve nothing less. Welcome aboard. There are lots of people here who wisely share their experiences with one another, and every single comment contains a lesson from another person on this pathway. Grab onto the lifeline and let your healing begin.
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Bottomed Out, I cant count how many times Ive lived your nightmare. My wife says I give everyone else 100% which is true. But when it comes to my family, Im not accountable. What the hell is wrong with this, my most precious assets I feel like I can get away with it & let them suffer the consiquences. Ive lost my friends & some family members because of it. But of course, being the arrogent drunk I am, they dont know what their talking about, right. Your in my prayers, when your down, look up, we can do this together. God Bless
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I am 60 and have become a horrible alcoholic, I drink whiskey, and have recently started drinking it straight. I have tried a few times to quit on my own (since I do not have the money for rehab). But I shake so bad, stomach hurts, so I’m still drinking. I’ve also started gambling, will spend my entire monthly check on alcohol and gambling. I spent $100.00 today. I feel guilty and ashamed, but it is so hard to do on my own. I can’t get a job because my thought process is no longer functioning. This is the 1st time I’ve put it in words, going to try not to drink anything today.
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good job for reaching out and writing on this blog. it helps so much to talk to all of us who get it!!! i wish you so much luck. i am also 60 and want a healthy life. just think – take that $100 and spend it on some good food and possibly talk to someone about getting your stomach to feeling better.
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Thanks tired terri. I got a call yesterday that I’ve been hired to be a caregiver for an assisted living place. I’ve wanted to help with elderly people since my Mom died with altheimers, and my Dad of cancer, which I was able to take care of him. So, here’s the incentive I’ve been praying for.I am going to need lots of help, abusive relationship of 17 years ending, and my whiskey had become my very best friend, pretty scared, but if I try to stay focused, I’m going to make the effort, I’m starting out weaning myself because from what I’ve read, that my body could go in to shock. I’m looking forward to the day I post a. comment that says I’m on day 30. Wish me luck, I sure can use it!
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I’m on day 14 and doing really well so far.
I had done this before, I quit drinking for 5 years about 10 years ago.
I was proud of myself and talked to people about my experiences with quitting drinking.
What I wasn’t expecting back then was that some friends of mine were truly disappointed and looked at me as though I was weak or something. Sometimes verging on anger.
What surprised me most was when I told my Father that I quit he was actually kind of disappointed in me. He taught me how to drink when I was very young, my Mother is a recovered alcoholic, my Father is a functional alcoholic, my Grandfather’s on both sides of my family were raging alcoholics.
I don’t like to say my problem was inevitable but I was definitely pointed in that direction from an early age.
So, when I saw my Dad so disappointed I decided that at some point I would go out drinking with him just for old times sake. Which I did, and that was the end of my sobriety for years to come.
This time I am not announcing it to the world (except you guys). Nobody needs to know, I’m not going to make a big deal of it, I will simply order water or NA beer at restaurants and if someone comments I’ll just I don’t feel like drinking today.
I learned my lesson from last time. Not everybody is going to be on your side with your decision. Sometimes best to just keep it to yourself.
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i think people that we used to drink with – will not want to be around us – b/c we get it!! there isn’t anything they can get past us!!! when the whole group is drinking – we are all the same, hiding, numbing, faking the happiness. Good for you not telling anyone right now – (except us :)). last night my husband and I went to church – then for a drink! He is a disciplined drinker– so I don’t want to totally deny my life or his – i asked the bartender if he could make me a “virgin” “fun” drink —it’s all about the glass, look. He fixed me an OJ/seltzer -with an orange slice & a couple of fresh cranberries!!! it works!!! i was part of the social atmosphere and i drove and i fell good this a.m. love my coffee. Today is DAY 13 for me!!! i can’t believe I am doing this. Happy Easter everyone!!
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having a hard time tonight. fixing dinner, it is 5:00 , really nice spring day. all the makings of a bottle of white wine. i don’t have any in the house – thankfully. i poured a glass of club soda/cranberry juice in a wine glass. also going to sister’s tomorrow for dinner, she was telling me she had wine, beer/champagne. i didn’t have the courage/heart to tell her i am trying to quit. i will have to face that tomorrow. i am not going to drink tonight (which today is 14 DAYS). but man it is rough.
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I had a tough day too. Just lots of feelings, depression, stuff that I could make go away with a drink.
Stay strong tired terri.
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I had a hard day yesterday being a long work week and really felt like a drink but came home and got busy doing things around the house….I feel your pain tired Terri try to hang in there I’ll be praying for you….we have somthing in common…I’m on the same day you are …..the biggest battle I’m having with this right now is that summer is coming…bbq.. parties …boating…camping…fishing…and its earth shattering news that I can’t drink again cuz I can’t stop at 1 or 2….But on the up side I’m feeling better every day…hang in there
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thanks so much for writing. i know, the upcoming events are going to be a huge test.
BUT i hope that each day we get stronger and we won’t even notice that it is a problem. the upside is feeling so good and so free of this mind-wasting addiction.
love this whole group.
hang in there. day 15!!!
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I DID AND IF YOU WOULD LIKE,U Can call..I just feel worse and worse,i’ts 4 weeks and feel really bad,shaking etc.I don’t have DL or ID,sure no SS#…I sdon’t know if somebody around Tampa can help… please…let me know..thanks Alena
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You are doing so great. I”m inspired by you and starting day 1 today. Yup, again but it’s OK. Spring has sprung, and I’m on day ONE. 🙂
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Hey Terri. How did you go at yout sister’s? Must have been tough with all of that temptation. Especially the champagne!!
Well done on 14 days. Nobody said this was going to be easy but we know that we have to do this. Tell your sister. She’ll support you. My sister is also an alcoholic, although she hasn’t admitted it yet, and she was fully supportive of me when I told her. Let’s face it, we need all the help we can get!
Here’s hoping you made it through the trials of the weekend.
Much love. Neet x
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it went just fine. she had actually made lemonade – i poured some in a wine glass. the whole event went fine. she too is an alcoholic. thanks for asking. i go to a Dr. today and a group meeting. all these things seem to help get through this process.
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I’m so glad to hear that you got through it! Well done! I also have a sister who’s an alcoholic, but she’s not ready to admit it yet.
I hope the doctor and group sessions help. I’m still waiting to hear from mine but I’m hoping it’ll be soon.
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That’s great, Terri. You are doing so well. I too have a sibling with an alcohol issue. She doesn’t drink every day but when she does drink, it’s not always but often to excess. She does not seem the least bit concerned about it though. Myself, I’m more of a worrier and a ruminator so alcohol doesn’t work for me so well. I am concerned about myself mainly for health and safety issues as I age. I am not a blackout drinker, but definitely a “lightweight” and even a few sips of wine affect me. So, on this beautiful Sunday with the sun shining, it’s day ONE. 🙂
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Hey OR! Good job on your days so far! I don’t even consider what other people say about my not drinking anymore… These are the same people who said I didn’t have a problem!! They really don’t like it when one of us leaves the pack because it usually means they have a big problem too. Eventually anyone who has a real problem knows it. They’re just in denial. I was for years, until it controlled my every waking thought.
You are very smart to break the alcoholic chain that lugs heavily in your family history. It does mine too.
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Hey Old Rummy. I also come from a long line of drinkers. From the UK, I have Irish on my mother’s side and Scottish on my Dad’s side. My Grandmother (who will be 90 in June) still nurses shocking hangovers every weekend!
My Mum died of alcoholic liver disease in 2010. She was 60 years old. You’d have thought that would have stopped me (also my Dad and sister) in our tracks but it didn’t. They still drink. I need to stop. I also have another sister and a brother for whom drink isn’t an issue.
I’m a perfectly functional, only in the evening alcoholic. I have a good job, nice home, amazing partner. I risk losing all of these if I don’t stop drinking as it’s affecting my relationship.
What I’m trying to say is that we don’t need to let our lineage dictate our destiny. We need to break the mould and start a new legacy. I want to be there to see my grandchildren and not have to have my children go through what I did when my Mum was dying. I want to be the woman all of my family deserve.
We can do this.
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Hi everyone I really need this site.I feel helpless as well.been drinking since I was 14 I’m 39 daily drinking at least two liters of wine almost daily.I’m calling off work just to drink alone, missing out a lot of events,people and I’m afraid of losing everything as well.I hide bottles or just feel like I have to drink but when I try to stop all my family and friends encourage to drink.I pray I can’t get this night because its my first and its 3,am and I can’t sleep
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Absolutely. No need to announce it, just do it. I have a friend who doesn’t drink, she doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, she just does not like it! One of those people who has no desire to self-medicate with alcohol. She said the pressure she gets from people who DO drink and WANT her to drink is ridiculous. She gets tired of having to explain herself and sometimes she avoids social functions because people give her a hard time about not drinking! Drinkers definitely like company. I wish this was not the case.
Great post.
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it took 3 DUI’s for me to quit drinking I loved it it was my life and driving to while I was intoxicatedI have brown 12 drinks in 4 years that’s not good enough for the people in the a but that’s how I operate I’m stubborn change comes hard
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Good morning to all:
I am happy to have this blog to vent this morning and to know it’s all going to be OKAY! Here’s hoping everyone is doing well and enjoying sobriety! I am on my 6th day of abstinence from alcohol and I am definitely still in the healing phase. I have aero desire to drink, mainly because my system is all messed up. Unfortunately a good way to stop drinking is when your gut starts screaming at you. Not only did I love red wine but I start almost every day with coffee (as do many people). After this horrific winter, I have to confess I went through several bottles of red wine (I would normally start drinking while cooking, but usually had at least one glass on am empty stomach) – mostly alone – and then coffee in the AM on an empty stomach. I’m not sure what happened around March 15th but that’s when my stomach problems began in earnest. I drank a bit that week, and then took a few days off with March 25th being my last night of drinking wine. My sleep hasn’t been great either. I am hoping that continued wine avoidance will make a big difference (I read one online story saying it took 3 weeks of abstinence to get his gut back in shape). I am just not sure I can kick coffee at the same time…as I feel bone tired. Yet I realize it’s a vicious cycle. Sleep is sooooo important.
I also have to modify my diet which is normally pretty healthy but I’m reading a lot about “leaky gut” which I think I have so today I’m going to start eliminating grains (mainly wheat) from my diet and see if that helps. I’m thinking of trying the Whole30 diet plan, which will require some work and commitment. If I don’t feel better, I’m going to find a functional MD and get some nutrition counseling. I want to feel good. Normally I was a very healthy, active person and could pretty much eat anything but man, the last two years have been rough….with various injuries that I think led to my increased wine consumption (as a form of medication). I know the body has excellent self-healing powers if we only take care of it! But I am not sure I can give up all my vices at once!
Today, I know I can live without wine. But today, I am not ready to give up coffee. Maybe tomorrow. 😉
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Sorry, that should say I have ZERO desire to drink, not “aero”. 😉
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wow, some really good writings from everyone. i think the advice that just making the decision to “stop drinking” is good. i have struggled with this notion for years. first, only drink on the weekends, only have 2, one or none, quit on Monday, quit on the 1st day of the month…blah blah blah. Obessed with the notion. but this time, I feel like I am done. i am on day 10. the most abstinence in a couple of years. i agree with Tim and others, its easy when you don’t want to drink in a social setting, but when you are having fun and with friends – tough, tough, tough. i have to change my mind and say I can still have fun, knowing that i am clear headed, will not feel the effects the next morning. Ia m going to borrow someone’s saying here… I have to realize that when I am in the mood, which is my downfall—I DON’T HAVE AN ‘” OFF SWITCH”.
here’s to a healthy Tuesday Everybody. we are in this together. we need to take care of ourselves and our loved ones.
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the other thing about being the one not drinking –is we WILL REMEMBER EVERYTHING!!!.
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Absolutely, Terri! Day 10 is fabulous. Kudos to you. Yes, we can have fun when we DO NOT drink. We do not need wine or beer or a cocktail. We don’t have an “off” switch so the first glass or the first bottle is the problem. It’s not worth having that first sip as we remind ourselves soooooo many times, via feeling sick, or losing our memory, or feeling guilty or embarrassed. Keep up the good work, Terri!
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thanks, Susan. going out tonight to our local pub – we go every Tuesday. last time i was there was St. Patrick’s day. don’t remember much about leaving!!! yuck. so this will be a switch. wish me luck. have to face a couple of peeps – drinking water tonight. i think being honest will keep me going.
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Hope you did OK at the pub, terri. I still have no desire to drink. Tomorrow I am attending a passover Seder and while I usually don’t have any of the Manischewitz wine (it tastes awful) sometimes people bring kosher cabernets (I’ve done this in past years) that ARE drinkable. However, I already told the host I am NOT drinking wine and I jokingly asked if “that is allowed” because drinking wine is part of a traditional seder. He was surprised that I was planning to NOT drink wine! I do plan to abstain and eat very little as to not upset my stomach which is still healing. 😦
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the pub outting went fine. i don’t have any desire to drink either. not sure why that is.
but i am grateful for that. yes the Seder and the wedding will be some tests, but we have to go through these triggers to understand and get to the other side.i know i have things coming up this spring and summer that will be tests, but I am hoping to be far enough along to be able to understand and handle those situations. thanks for the updates.
good luck this weekend.
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Way to go Susan! You sound very positive & are reaping some benefits from this.
I love my coffee & that was one thing I couldn’t give up. In fact I think I drank a ton of it when I first cut out the alcohol. Of course it might be different for you with your stomach issues.
Try not to do too many things at the first & remember staying sober is your #1 goal. Once you’ve been that way for awhile you can work on the other issues. Good you’re seeing your doctor too!
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Thank you, Patti. Day 8 and feeling GREAT!
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Congrats Susan!
I am on day 14 of sobriety. I was also having major issues with digestion and just everything involved with that, lots of pain in the bathroom. I thought there was something wrong with me, like I had a virus or something (couldn’t possibly be all the rum I was drinking 😉 ).
But as soon as I quit drinking everything went back to normal. I’m very regular now and can eat anything I want again.
The human body is amazing.
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Thanks Old Rummy:
I felt very sick to my stomach for about 2 weeks which is what really prompted me to stop. I hate to admit that once my stomach calmed down, and I started feeling good, I felt safe to “tiptoe” back into drinking. Don’t feel that proud of myself but hey, I’m only human. I can start again today, right? Indeed, the human body is amazing. I really don’t want to go back to feeling crappy and living a clean, healthy lifestyle AND getting enough sleep is really key. Wine is very bad for my sleep thus very bad for my health.
I was doing a lot of research about what my gastric issues could be – gluten, dairy, grains, blah blah blah. Went on the Paleo diet for about a week and that seemed to help yet I am pretty convinced it was gastritis from overindulgence in red wine. One person posted that it took 3 weeks for his gut to get back to normal after quitting alcohol. More than one glass seems to make me sick. And it’s once again clear, that only SOMEtimes am I able to stop at ONE. So it’s best to not have ANY.
Big sigh. It’s OK. I can do this. Day ONE. Today. I’m worth it.
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I’m starting my journey. So sick of waking up and not being able to remember. Don’t know if I’ve upset my wonderful partner or embarrassed myself in some way. Almost every morning the same thing. Dread.
Wine is my poison, although I’d drink pretty much anything to be honest.
I’m seeking professional help and I’m waiting for an appointment, which I should get this week. I’m terrified of withdrawal and the damage it can do, so I’ve tried to do a controlled detox but, safe to say, I’ve failed miserably. Once I start I just can’t stop. I got to the point of hiding how much I was drinking.
When my partner found out that I was hiding, that seemed to flick a switch for me. I’ve known for a long time that I need help but seeing those hidden bottles he’d found in the cold, sober (hungover) light of day really brought it home to me.
I’ve been drinking heavily for 17 years, when I left my first husband. I was in an horrendously abusive relationship with him, physically, emotionally and sexuallly abused. I drank to block it all out and I did a very good job of it! Now I know that I have to face my past, which, for me, is going to be harder than stopping the booze.
I have an amazing, supportive man and I’m only going to eventually drive him away, because he can’t stand the drunk me. I’m a nightmare to live with when I’m drunk, which is most nights. I can’t have this happen. I want a good, healthy life with this amazing man and the only thing standing in the way of that is alcohol.
I’ve read a lot of your comments and you’re all inspirational. I know we’re all at different stages in our journey, and I’m right at the very start, but I hope we can all get to where we want to be.
I know where I want to be, I just need to find the strength to get there….
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Neet,
welcome to this wonderful group of bloggers!!! huge step you are taking. the fact that you reached out , getting help and you want a good, healthy life – is HUGE. Do you know if in your area there is a Celebrate Recovery? it is a wonderful program that is faith-based and supportive of all our hurts, hang-ups, and habits. once you face the past – which by the way can be very healing – you will be set free!! I wish you so much luck in this new life and journey. stay strong each minute .
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Thank you, Terri, I very much appreciate your welcome. I’m from the UK, so I don’t think Celebrated Recovery operate here but I’m getting help through our local health service. I’ve been assessed and will be allocated a key worker to help me. I’ve also arranged to meet a peer mentor, someone who has been through the service and is in recovery. This will be useful but I think counselling will be the key for me. I know exactly when and why I started abusing alcohol, so dealing with that will hopefully be the answer.
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Best of luck, Neet. The feeling of dread in the morning is universal I think, and what drives many of us to seek help or decide to stop once and for all! That and the potential embarrassment – what did I say, was I the drunkest person there, do people talk about my drinking, was I slurring my words, do I want to be thought of as a “drunk”? I may have continued drinking but two weeks ago I got sick, and haven’t felt right since, which may mean I did some damage to my system/gut. On day 6, I’m now in a healing phase, trying to eat really well, researching a detox diet and investigating some supplements which may rebalance my system, taking lots of rest, doing gentle yoga and stretching, taking gentle walks, moving slowly, taking time off from work and reducing stress as much as possible. Considering seeing a holistic type MD if I don’t feel better in another week or two. Working on turning off that voice inside my head that is constantly haranguing me and worrying needlessly about the future! Worry and guilt are useless emotions. I am living in the present and enjoying my full, completely sober, in the moment being. Being my own best friend and forgiving myself for everything up until now. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. What matters is what I think and I think I CANNOT DRINK!
Literally I CANNOT drink, something turned or clicked in my body and said “uh uh, NO MORE”. Or else, I will be NO MORE.
It does sound like with your long history that professional help and support is a great idea. I am sending you hopeful and healing thoughts. You are not alone and YOU can DO THIS. 🙂
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Thank you for your thoughts, Susan. I just want to be a normal person. The trouble with me is I go from zero to blackout without much warning. By the time I’m feeling the effect of the drink it’s usually too late. This has always been my problem.
I can do and I will do this. I only have one choice.
I hope you haven’t damaged your system and you heal very soon.
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Thanks Neet, good luck in your healing journey….
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Today is my Day 1. I drank last night but didn’t get drunk. I needed to say goodbye.
I hope one day to be able to control it. We’ll see. For now, I’m dealing with this one day at a time.
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Neet,
thinking of you today!! i hope you have heard about your appointment. once you are under the care of a professional, you will start to feel better and see that there is light @ the end of that wine vat!!!. i am sending warm thoughts towards your new healthy you.
good luck, and remember -it will be worth it -new horizons for you. sharing your story will be very healing.
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Terri – thank you so much for thinking of me and for the warm thoughts. It certainly does help knowing I’m not alone in this.
Today is day three. I’m at work at the moment so not feeling too bad but was a little anxious last night and irritable first thing this morning. Good thing is, I have no shakes and no headaches currently.
I haven’t heard about my appointment yet. I doubt I’ll hear before the Easter break now and I have a wedding to go to on Saturday, which is going to be my first real test.
I’m feeling confident though. My partner simply will not take any more of me being drunk so I have everything to lose if I do.
Thank you again. I’ll report back after the holiday weekend when I’m on day 7 sober! 🙂 x
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Hey all. Day 7. Still sober. I’ve eaten all kids of stuff I shouldn’t have (I follow quite a strict low carb low sugar diet) but I’ve stayed off the booze. Day four was hell but I ate my way through it 😉 and I’m feeling fine now. Survived the wedding on Saturday and have my gren up kids and partners around for dinner this evening. I’ve bought wine for them and I’m not in the least bit tempted.
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yeah!!!! great story Neet. so proud. i have eaten so much chocolate – it is crazy.
i have chocolate crunch ice cream bars in the fridge!!! good grief – but i say – its one thing or the other. i will get a handle on that soon. i also normally eat good. i am impressed you have bought wine for your family. we have to face it sooner or later.
it is kinda fun seeing how we do in these situations. every morning i am so glad for my recent decision.
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Day 8. I happily poured the wine for my family at dinner yesterday. I won’t say that there was zero desire to drink because I’d be lying, but I didn’t and that’s the main thing. Nice to wake up in the morning after a family gathering and be able to remember everything and not feel physically awful. So, a wedding and a family dinner. Two tests ticked off my list 🙂
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Neet,
my thoughts exactly!!! so wonderful to wake up and be able to remember and not feel bad. So thrilled for you and ALL OF US!!!!
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Thank you for posting this. As I type this, it’s 4:30 AM and I’m dealing with a miserable headache from another night of too much wine. We were at my sister in law’s engagement party and I was the ONLY one with a glass of wine always in hand. I’m embarrassed and very disappointed in myself. I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight from this habit but just can’t stop. I just need to stop drinking wine. I have tried and the most I’ve made it is two or three days and I’m so disappointed in myself. I’m planning on another attempt to stop drinking this week. I’m pretty sure my husband and in-laws (in laws are non drinkers) noticed how much I had and are not cool with it at all. I just don’t know what to do. Most of the red flags I relate to so yeah… I have a big problem. 😢
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Hi savannah does your husband drink with you?
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Hey Savannah:
The fact that you found this blog at 4:30AM shows that you have acknowledged you have a problem (like all of us here) and you are concerned enough about it that you want to stop. Where you “are” right now is OK and the past doesn’t matter. Today is a new day and the first day of the rest of your life. You say “I just can’t stop” but the reality is you absolutely CAN stop. It’s not easy but it’s something you can do. You *can* do it. Maybe you can’t do it alone and that’s totally OK, many many people need real live human support.
Think of how freeing and wonderful it will feel to not be up in the middle of the night, to sleep soundly, to not have a headache, and to not feel guilty or embarrassed. All it takes is the decision to not drink. That’s all it takes. We tell ourselves: “I can’t stop, I just can’t….”. But we can. I understand only making it two or three days. That WAS ME. And I wish I hadn’t waited until my body started yelling at me to stop. I did damage to myself and now I have to heal, that could be a long process. I am planning on being healthier than I ever was….without wine.
What is keeping me going is knowing that I CAN and WILL feel better once I get my health back. Today…I still feel sick. I’m tired. I don’t feel good. But I know this is temporary. If I need help, I’ll go get it. Right now I am just listening to my body. The first step is giving up wine, and the next steps are fixing my diet. My body needs tender loving care right now. Yours does too and YOU are worth it! Hang in there, you *can* do this. I know I can do it, and so can you!
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Good for you Susan.! Jason Vale has a really good book on quitting also. Read all you can about becoming sober. There are some really good ones out there. I wish you nothing but hope & you’ll never do anything more important in your life.
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Thank you, Patti. I will look for that book. On day three after my last overindulgence and I have zero desire to drink so I guess feeling sick from it is a good preventative measure.
I am working on eating very healthy, getting enough sleep, and doing a daily yoga breathing routine. And reading my book, which I haven’t finished yet 🙂
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hey!! everyone, it is sunday night – which is usually a big wine trigger night – not b/c I am stressed — usually the opposite. I usually go exercise, cook, have wine , a fire in the winter, watch TV or discuss the world with my husband–when the evening is over I will have drank a bottle of my favorite pinot grigio or sauvignon blanc. BUT not today. Today is day 8!!! last night was a night @ the ballet, dinner b 4 with friends. i was glad to “be the DD” (driver). i am looking forward to a good night tonight and a positive Monday.
this is truly a day @ a time. But once you decide – the whole picture starts coming to life.
Unpickled started a wonderful blog. Grateful on Day 8 and looking forward to Day 10…
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Very inspiring and you are doing great!
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Yay!!!!…day 8 for me too Terri!!!…so happy for you..it’s such a good feeling not to wake up with the headache from hell…pucking you’re guts out and just feeling like you have been pulled out of a knot hole!!… Every day I am sober Makes me realize hey i can do it tomorrow too……but I am being cautious and staying away from any trigger points…. I don’t even walk down the beer and wine isle if I don’t have to but that’s just me😃…I don’t wanna ruin this
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i know, why torture ourselves by the very triggers. tonight i fixed a club soda with an orange slice and lime in a wine glass. Very refreshing and i held the wine glass during the time of fixing dinner/ watching 60 minutes. it is so wonderful to wake up and realize that oh!! I didn’t drink last night. i hate waking up with that dread of oh man i feel like crap, so mad @ myself…. i am finding my attention span is getting better and longer. i think b/c i am not just thinking about pouring another glass. or if I am around others, just drinking and not paying attention to what they are saying. i hear the clarity gets better and better and soon you are the brightest bulb in the room!!! yeah!!! & guess what we will remember everything:)))
happy Monday!!!
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That is awesome to hear. I was on day 26 and then I failed. I gave in to a few beers while at a sporting event with friends and I regretted the following day or so. I am back on again and today is day 8 for me, again. I feel so much better when I don’t drink. My triggers are normally my neighbors sitting outside on warm weekend afternoons/evenings watching our kids play. We will have a few beers together and then I don’t stop.
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Good for you, Tim. 26 days is great. And now you’re back on your 8th day which is also great. It’s very difficult to be the only one not drinking. I only find it easy when I don’t feel good (like the other night when I sat at a bar with two guys drinking scotch and I drank water). But when I’m feeling healthy and vibrant and happy, and I’m at a party or a gathering where everyone is drinking, it takes REAL strength to not drink. This will be the true test for me. Right now I am too sickly to drink but I know this is temporary. 🙂
Keep on keeping’ on!
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Just happened upon this blog today, as I AGAIN made the decision to stop drinking. Obviously my attempts before have not been successful. I have definitely cut down and am able to not drink completely for up to 2 weeks (but usually the longest I abstain is about 5 days) but when I do drink I am finding it difficult to moderate, especially when I’m in a social situation like a party. I attended a cocktail party two nights ago, where there was copious amounts of wine, I drank probably a total of 3.5 glasses over the course of 3 hours and I still feel very ill. Strangely enough, I am better able to moderate at home…for instance, if I open a bottle of wine, I can stop after 1-2 glasses and never drink more than half a bottle.
Yet I am getting sick when I do drink, and it’s scaring me. I’m turning 54 this year and have always been pretty healthy and active but the past year has been really tough for several reasons and I feel I have aged significantly. I live alone and without a doubt, I have turned to red wine as a friend when I’m lonely, when the thought of chopping vegetables to make dinner for myself seems unbearable without a glass of wine.
And I had my first drunken fall, late last year…luckily I was not injured seriously but I can still feel it. That should have been the end but it wasn’t. 😦
I can relate to the panic attacks the next morning, which I attribute to dehydration and probably low blood sugar. These attacks are absolutely terrifying and I have called a friend or neighbor twice to come over. I know that alcohol is a trigger for these. I also have a racing heart when I wake up in the middle of the night after overindulgence and now I am having concerning stomach and digestive issues. My body is clearly telling me to stop.
So for me, despite my love of red wine and the fact that most of my social group drinks wine, I have to stop. Completely. Today is the second day of my sobriety. I know I can do it. I am reading a book called “he Easy Way to Stop Drinking” and it is kicking some sense into me. It maintains that alcohol is POISON. Some people can have just a little bit of wine or a drink and walk away. Unfortunately I’m not that person who can nurse a glass of wine over an entire evening and even leaves a little bit left in the glass. I wish that was me. Nope, after I have had a couple, if someone had some left in their glass and the bottle was empty, I’d be eyeing that glass and wondering if they’d care if I finished it for them! Nope, after that first glass, more times than not, I want another one. I have sometimes been successful at moderating, having just one, and then going straight to seltzer water but there have too many times where I have more than two, and then I’m in trouble. I have learned I cannot consistently and reliably moderate and the first glass is where the problem starts. I’m a very petite person and one glass affects me considerably.
Thank you for the encouraging stories on this blog. If I have to go to meetings, I will but the health scares I have experienced recently I think is enough for me to stop.
TODAY. I am sober yesterday and today. And tomorrow, and the next day. My life is worth saving and I do not want to go down that road. I know I will feel better and lots of people have been successful at quitting completely, so, why not me? YES. I can do this.
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susan b. –wow what a powerful testimony. everything you said i can relate to 100%.
i feel we can do this. i am on day 6 of not having my wine. i too love to drink while i cook. i can’t moderate anymore. i have tried all the ways, and even though i can stop @ 1 o2 sometimes, there will ALWAYS be the times i don’t stop. i am 60 and it’s time. i know how you feel about your health – we want to be healthy in the golden years!!
good luck and power on!!!
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Thank you tired terri:
So far, so good. I have tried to moderate several times in the past and well…here I am. I hate to admit it but I guess I don’t have very good control when it comes to alcohol (wine, I rarely drink mixed drinks and have lost my taste for beer for the most part). And I know I am certainly NOT alone! And yes, if it was not directly affecting my health at this point I would probably continue drinking as it is so ingrained in socializing. Speaking of which, before I decided to stop, I rsvp’d for a gathering that focuses on….wine tasting! Yes, French wines, this coming weekend I already paid for it and it includes dinner. Now I am trying to decide if I can go and test myself to NOT drink, and just eat the food and drink seltzer water. I can get a refund if I give them a couple days notice. This is a tough one….am I ready? Not sure what to do.
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May I poke my nose in Susan and say DONT GO! Give the ticket away to someone who would appreciate it, or toss it and consider the loss an investment in yourself. This is a crucial time to protect your environment – remember to treat yourself with the same TLC you’d give a new born baby.
>
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Thank you, UnPickled. That is excellent advice. It’s not a singles group per se but most of the people going ARE single, so that was my motivation for going as I am single and would like to find a partner. I am not getting any younger! 🙂 I have until Thursday to cancel and get a refund and even if I lose the $$, it’s not that big a deal.
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This isn’t the best time to start a new relationship anyway. The first few months of sobriety are too fragile and vulnerable to allow the discernment that a new romance requires.
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Gah – hit send before softening that suggestion with this: romance yourself with candles and chocolate and luxurious self care. Get to know your real self with the same energy that you might give a partner. Find out who you really are, who is underneath all the armour. Tend to that person with all your heart!
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Thank you for that advice, UnPickled. I will certainly take it to heart. I spend huge amounts of time alone lately (I also work from home!) so I will find other ways to socialize. Luckily I have one good female friend who I can talk to about this stuff, I have told her I am quitting….she also struggles with alcohol and she understands.
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You will be amazed at how many interesting events and groups are out there that don’t involve alcohol. Get the library’s newsletter, and the museum, etc. once I took off the blinders of only being interested in events with booze, I found lots to do! You don’t have to be lonely while working on yourself. Connect with the world on your new terms.
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Just a quick update:
I passed one test. A friend texted me last to meet at a local bar/restaurant. I knew he and his friend would both be drinking (he prefers scotch) but I didn’t feel like cooking so I decide to go. They were sitting at the bar. I felt ZERO desire to drink. I ordered food and only ate half of it. I think the fact that my stomach is still upset is a real deterrent. Today I still feel ZERO desire to drink. Feeling very optimistic and committed to my goal of sobriety. 🙂
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So glad you mentioned the middle of the night panic attacks, dehydration and racing heart. I was having the same thing every night at 3AM before I quit. It was horrible.
I was also having incredibly painful acid reflux, constantly, that too has just gone away, completely.
I am also 54 Susan and my body was also definitely trying to tell me something.
I do miss cooking and drinking though. That was fun.
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This is for all of you wanting to quit. I’m so very proud of you for having the guts to admit your drinking problems. I was so each & every one of you years ago. I know how very hard it is at the beginning & I just want to tell you that if you need extra help– don’t be afraid to get it. I tried fruitlessly to do it alone & just couldn’t do it! I went to an OP program that met 3 evenings a week for 12 weeks & I finally learned the way. It took a lot of the fear out of going it alone & we went through a lot of “issues” that had hindered my progress. If you had diabetes you would get the help you need to understand it. It’s the same with drinkers. Taking away the drink is good, but you have to understand the disease process of it. I’m not saying it’s the only way you can stop. I’m just saying that is the way that I succeeded long term. I wish you all nothing but success in your journey. It’s such a great thing to be rid of. Peace!!
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what is an op group?
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My guess is op stands for “outpatient”, rather than for example, an inpatient rehab facility.
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Reading this article and reading all the comments has both inspired me to continue my sobriety and confirmed that I did/do have a drink problem. Most of the red flags you mentioned were true to my own situation and yet it is so easy to convince yourself that you don’t have a problem because you “don’t crave alcohol” or “don’t need to drink”. Truth is that I was isolating myself further and further from friends and family, hiding away in my bedroom. I chose a boyfriend who loves to drink as much as I do and split my evenings between his house and my mum’s house (who also loves a drink) so that nobody knew the true extent of how much I was drinking. Depression and anxiety kept coming and going, as was the self hatred and the guilt which I blamed on my genetics. Blamed my disrupted and difficult upbringing, the bullies at school and the abusive ex boyfriends for the anxiety and I blamed my anxiety and working 2 jobs on the depression. Alcoholism is such a terrible illness. I have no idea if I will manage to stay off the drink permanently or if I will talk myself into the “I don’t have a problem” phase again but I can only hope that one day I will be free from feeling this way. Tonight is my second sober night this week. I managed 1 sober night last week and 4 the week before. 7 sober nights in 3 weeks, more than the amount from the past 5 years combined. Wow it feels pretty good to get this all out and to share my troubles with people who understand. Even if nobody reads this, I feel better for getting it off my chest
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this blog is for everyone out there! this is day 5 for me. i just went to a fund raiser where the alcohol (wine) is flowing- a big trigger for me. But watching others – is interesting b/c i know i am going to feel good tomorrow, have my memory!, be clear headed. my big fear of not drinking has always been – will i have a good time, how to respond to others- you not drinking?…i actually had a friend -say do you want a wine? i said no – she wanted to know if i just wasn’t drinking tonight, did i give it up for Lent!! & guess what – i said no, i am trying to give it up for good. she said good – and kinda laughed. i am going to hit this hard – i hope. this blog is making me so much stronger in my desire to be a non-drinker. thanks everybody – have a good weekend, think positive, think clean.
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well done Terri, I know those events and it can be tough. Amazingly though, people appreciate those who aren’t drinking. And, like you, I’ve come to appreciate the clear head in the morning! Day 5 done.
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thank you! Candy.
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Glad you made it through that test, Terri. I think it’s a great idea, actually, around this time of year – if someone is inquiring – to say that you gave it up for Lent! That should shut them up! 🙂
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Terri….I’m right there with ya..its day 5 for me also…I feel real good…sleeping better then I have in a long time….this blog has been very helpful to me as well..stay strong we are in this together!!.we can do it!!
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thanks, Bobbi,
i am not sleeping well, not sure what that is all about. i have been taking melatonin- seems to do the opposite. the last 3 nights i have had restless legs, and seem wide awake until around 2:00 ugh!!! hope this gets better. i am used to taking xanax to sleep but want to get off that as well. maybe this is all related. Cool that we are on the same day.
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I have the same story, as most of you. I am a drinker. Vodka is my choice. I like it warm and straight: no ice, mixer, or chaser required. I started drinking as a young teenager. It was fun then. Today, I battle with it each evening. I fool most everyone except close friends and my wife of course. She knows me better than anyone. She knows the real me, the aggressive drunk, the guy who pees in the bathroom floor nightly, the couch sleeper (she has become a professional at getting me to bed). My night consists of stages, as I am sure everyone does. I am on day two of sobriety. I quit because it was time. My typical ebb and flow goes three to four months drunk and a few weeks up to a month or so sober. This time, I am sitting at almost a year drunk. I do not drink all day, but I drink every night. I stay sober until 9pm and then it is like a light switch goes off. I have to drink. My wife calls it DS arrival time, DS for drunk Steve. When I do something stupid, she will say “DS did this or that”. I like to think of it as a joke, but I know she hates DS. He is offensive, aggressive, and seems to enjoy hurting feelings. I am often appalled at the behavior he displays, even though he is me. I absolutely cannot understand why she is with me. She has so much to offer: a great job, smart, beautiful, and a wonderful person This is not my first time quitting, but I truly hope it to be my last. My body aches, my blackouts are a near nightly occurrence, my drunken sleep walks, bathroom floor peeing, are all worse than ever. I sometimes feel like my liver is about to jump out of my body. My stomach is queasy most of the day. Eating makes me feel like I stabbed myself with a hot iron. No doubt this needs to be my last quit; however, I have to take it a day at a time. I just have to make it home and get past 9pm (when liquor stores close). I can say no to beer and wine, but I struggle with saying no to vodka. I appreciate all the encouraging words, as they are exactly what I need to hear. I have faced D-Day (first night of sobriety) and feel great. I am excited, nervous, anxious, and positive all at the same time. This is not my first rodeo, but I truly hope it is the last. To anyone else struggling through their second day or any day, let us do it together. I will pray for you and your struggles tonight at 9pm, when I will be struggling the most. You can count on that prayer, at 9pm Central time tonight and each night forward. I really appreciate you reading/listening to this. I can say anything to my wife, but a stranger’s ear is often a great thing.
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You can do it Steve! Congrats on day one. Here’s to many more clear and sober days.
I am on Day 10. 🙂
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Cheers Steve I couldn’t have said it better myself! Good luck,day two for me so will think of you all at nine!
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good job on day 10!!
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this is to Rachael and Steve. we are all in this together right now!! i am amazed. day 3 for me – getting ready to meet girls–feel strong. but i know it is a day by day journey. thanks for the 9:00 prayer!!!. loved this site.
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well done Terri on making it to day 3. Think of the long term benefits and how much money we will save. And be free from this horrible disease! 🙂
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Wow, Steve. Thinking of you and wishing you the best. I am on day three of sobriety and I have zero desire to drink. I am hoping the same for you!
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I made the decision to quit drinking on February 11, 2015 when I called out of work two days straight after a weekend of binge drinking. I called my boss and gave him some BS excuse and I was so disgusted with myself. Since then I’ve dived into work, school and the gym. Unfortunately a couple of weekend ago I went out to dinner with friends ( I know I shouldn’t have ) after being asked 300 times what I wanted to drink and aren’t you drinking , I ended up having a glass of wine, I watered it down to try to consume less alcohol, I had a 2nd glass that I got outta there ASAP because I knew where it was going. I didn’t get my usual sloppy drunk, just mildly tipsy. The next my mind started convince me that “see you didn’t get drunk “all you have to do is drink in moderation. That mentality has historically been my down fall because I’m usually fine and in control or so I think until I’m not. I haven’t drank and have no desire to since but I’m going to a AA Meeting tonight and I will continue to go. Alcohol almost ruined my life a few of years ago, And I know that, I know where this story end if I don’t continue on this sober path.
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I have all the red flags you mentioned. I have been trying to quit for about a year now with no success. I have run out of ideas and don’t know where to go from here. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you
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I hear you james…..my brother in law poured me a glass of wine 15 years ago the morning my husband passed and I never stopped……. the thought of quitiing petrifies me, though I cannot afford to continue and do not know how to stop. I wake everyday and my goal is making sure I have a bottle….I have glimpses of a sober life and if I could somehow make the first step……….
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i too want to quit, but it is so scary— i want the freedom -the fact that this subject occupies so much of my brain is draining. i am ready to launch a life not thinking about what, where, when, how much am i going to drink. i am on day 3. i want to sleep, have more energy, be clear headed and positive. amazing how negative and depressing you are when you have alcohol in your system regularly. i can do moderation, but in the end, you will always have the times you over do/abuse. tired of it. so grateful for this website.
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Keep going, Terri! You’ll start feeling better soon. It gets easier, I promise. The booze fights back hard at first and does everything to convince you to drink, but ride it out. It’s worth it. YOU’RE worth it!!!
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thank you!!! unpickled.
i so appreciate hearing from you and all the others.
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terri, keep it going. I’m on day 3 and the posts here are very encouraging. reading them is reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. I constantly fear the “how am i ever going to maintain this”, but for now I’ve just decided to get me to a month. at that month point, I will extend for another. i will do this. i just know it.
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candy-factory,
thanks for the encouragement. i know when alcohol has been part of your life for so long-hard to imagine life without it – but we will do it. let’s do this 1 month and another.
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Day 3 here too. I like the idea of getting to a month, and then doing it for another 30 days. That works for me! I know I can do this. I HAVE TO do this. 🙂
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Hi James and anonymous. How to quit? That’s the easy part – don’t drink. How to stay “quit”? That’s the hard part – start making changes. Change by reaching out (your doctor, meetings, online support, tell a friend who’s sober that you’d like their help, keep posting here). Change by doing things differently – if you watch tv and drink, get out for a walk or go to a movie. If you go to bars and drink, go to Starbucks and read a book. Change by looking inward – therapy, meditation, journal, anything to get you thinking about why and what you are numbing. Know that you are not alone and that freedom from alcohol is a wonderful thing. You are making your life better in so many ways and movig on to be a much better version of yourself.
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What a great response! You certainly have a way with words and summed it up “in a nutshell” Wonderful advice.
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Hi James. I feel you bro. I am in the same boat. Incidentally I have PhD in Physics from North Carolina State University. Now I dont even know what I accomplished. All my mathematical powers have weaned. I dont have a job. Lost all my friends, two engagements. And what ever rest is true for any alcoholic is true for me. Recently I came across this book called “The commonsense of Drinking” from 1930. It is a good short read. But it makes it clear that it is not for people who wish to drink moderately or go on wagon for a while. It is strictly for people like us who want to not want to have a drink for the rest of our lives. Its philosophy is simple “Alcoholics like us are unfortunate in the sense that our reaction to alcohol is unfortunately different than a moderate drinker and hence we cannot think of drinking in moderation. It just is not for us”. It is from 1930 but still has more power than a lot of modern literature. Good luck mate:
Click to access 1930%20Peabody%20Common%20Sense%20of%20Drinking.pdf
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To Old Rummy
I too was a half a fifth a day drinker of Mr. Barcadi’s finest. UnPickled and her friends are such a great light in the darkness of us dealing with this issue at our desks or wherever. Recognize and meet headon the fear of the physical aspects of not drinking. I have been a daily drinker since 18 years old . Only by luck have I have not had public impact from my drinking. I know I have no measure of the effects drinking has had on all aspect of my life and all the people I have interacted with. I am 35 days sober and looking out at life as if I just learned to see. Why did I not know the terriible haze booze causes. Did I not listen. Why couldnt I see. All I can say is the simple act of not drinking removes the cataracts.The Empeor really has no clothes , but the empeor is the person drinking ….everyone knows but doesnt say to the one with the drinking problem. Being able to see versus the quasi pleasure of being pickled has no balance sheet. Each Hour each week is one more accomplishment. May we all give strength to each other . And when we emotional handshake may that strength empower us all,
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B Hi Jean
Day one today of my eighth year without a drink. I think reading back on your red flags I would have to say that there is hope when one starts reading blogs and watching rehab shows on TV. It means that you are realizing that you have big problem. It amazes me when I see my siblings continuing to consume many drinks each night without shame or concern. There are people like them who will never seek out a blog. I searched through many sober blogs before I found Unpickled. For me my hidden bottles and obsessing about my supply was pretty much my rock bottom. The hole got deeper and deeper as my deceptive behavior alienated those people closest to m. Using this blog as a “sponsor” pulled me out of that hole. I felt like that there were anonymous people like me from the other side the world supporting me. I don’t miss the drinking. I am now the most dependable grandmother/ wife and mother. Strong and constant. Thanks Jean and all my fellow unpicked friends.
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After 5 years of drinking a 1/2 bottle of rum everyday and wanting to quit drinking for the last year my wife sent me an email saying, “I can’t tell you this in person, but I need to know who I am going to be living with for the rest of my life. If your drinking makes you happy in life I will give you your space and figure out what I will do with my part of our life together. I am not trying to start a conflict, I just need to know who I am living with”.
That did it for me, I sat down with her and had a long talk and made the decision to quit. The decision seem to come from somewhere other than my brain, I could feel it in body.
I took the full bottle of rum I had just bought and threw it in the trash bin outside on the street.
The first feeling I felt afterwards was a huge relief, like something was lifted off my shoulders.
Then my brain and body started a revolt almost immediately.
Today I feel like !”$% of course but I am going to do this. I no longer want to slowly kill myself.
I have a very successful life and a beautiful caring wife and I want to live long enough to enjoy all of it.
And thanks unpickled, I read your original post just before I sat down and had the chat with my wife and I identified with every single red flag you have listed there.
Wish me luck.
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I wish you more than luck. I wish for you: strength, courage, discovery, change, healing, flexibility, tears, laughter, and love (with your wife and also new love for yourself). Get all the support you can and be firm in your resolve. Be prepared for the whispers you’ll hear that you were never “that bad”. Keep your eyes on the future and continually make choices that will lead you there. These are the thoughts that helped me and I offer them to you as food for thought. Please keep posting so we can learn with you.
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Hey I was an old rummy too!! I got one of those letters myself, but he couldn’t stick around for the miracle to happen…
It DID! I finally decided that I was going to do this for ME..
I was drinking a fifth every two days at the last. Me & Ron Bacardi were the best of friends. Lol.
All kidding aside, I’m so proud of your decision & there will be days he’ll be calling your name. Just know, from a former Rummy dummy that this can be accomplished, but I want you to do it for YOU! 4 years ago was my last straw. There was a lot of soul searching moments, a lot of burying myself in the books. I learned every single thing I could about this awful crutch. The obsession does go away, but you have to fight it at first and make peace with your soul. Thanks for sharing & taking me back to that wonderful day I said goodbye to alcohol forever.
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Right. I did ultimately do this for me. But the hardest part of being an alcoholic and wanting to quit (I had been wanting to quit for over a year) is choosing the day, the exact moment, to quit.
It was really hard to sit down and say to myself, “ok, I’m going to stop drinking right now”.
My wife helped me to see when that moment was.
It was also the day of the solar eclipse and the equinox which I read somewhere is a day where planets line up and big changes occur in people’s lives.
I only read about this afterward….
“This is the week we’ve been talking about and building toward since the beginning of the year — arguably the most powerful week of 2015, in astrological terms…”
“We might call this a pivot point, a time of choosing new options and releasing the old. It is a time for breakthroughs and insights, when we can ride the energies of change into a new future.”
“…THE SOLAR ECLIPSE on Friday occurs in the very last degree of Pisces, which is also the very last degree of the zodiac. The 29th degree of any sign is called the ‘anaretic degree,’ and it indicates that we are at a choice point…”
So the entire cosmos apparently had to line up to pound it into my head to quit drinking 🙂
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Thanks Patti and Unpickled.
I’m came back here to say I am on day 14 of sobriety.
It feels good, it feels strange, I feel like a different person.
I have soooo much energy, and so much clarity in my thinking that it is kind of scary.
I used to sleep a lot, long mornings not wanting to get out of bed, afternoon naps to sleep off my morning drinking session.
Now, I go to bed later and wake up earlier and just start doing stuff, working on my business, working around the house, going out with my wife.
I love that she looks at me with love in her eyes again instead of a tinge of fear.
Even though it is still tough at times, it kind of comes in waves, I will not go back to who I was. I like this new guy, he’s pretty cool 🙂
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So I went 6 days sober & then right back to where I was. I appreciate the honesty on this blog, because like someone said, you can be an alcoholic on beer, I know, thats me… I feel like you all are talking to me in some way. Dont know if any of you have ever been to Church & the Priest or whatever your denomination is starts the sermon & your twitching in your seat because you know hes talking about you and hes really just speaking to the group at large , thats how I feel here but with the same people that are twitching in their seats. Why is this so hard ? I will fight the biggest person in the room on a sober day and get my ass handed to me, work like a mule but yet a little piece of shit bottle can conquer me, I dont get it. Thanks for listening
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Hi Its Time, I just wanted to say that you really got thru the toughest part of becoming sober cuz the first 3 days & the beer is out of your system. However, its the brain part that calls you back to that awful place where you need to feed the addiction. I kept a journal of my feelings & read every book on alcoholism that I could get my hands on. The knowledge of how to cope with these times is eminent during the first year.
I’ve been sober for going on 4 yrs & I was truly a lost case in my mind, but that’s such a lie!! You can do this if you reach out for help & have the tools to cope with the urges that come rushing back at random times. I wish you hope & strength to get what you really need.
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Thank you Patti ! Your words are encourgeging. Congratulations on your 4 years of sobriety. Keep it up, your an inspiration and give me hope / God Bless
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Hi mate. i can relate to where you’re at. As the horrors of the night before dissapate , as they do, it bcomes easier to slip back into old habits. Im here because im looking for help. Ive never admitted that one before. I guess Im ready to start the campaign. Do it with me. Im starting today.
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I’m into day 3 and I feel invincible, I know this will change as I travel further down the road of recovery. It’s been 10years since I’ve gone this long without a beer, I have my beautiful wife beside me every step of the way, I wish you all all the best on your journey and I’m hoping like hell I can pull this off!
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You can do it and it will be worth it! Hurray for you!!
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I am on day three also. Feeling great and I have zero desire to drink. I can relate to taking several days off and feeling quite virtuous and then resuming my old habits. It was almost like a reward. I would tell myself: “good for you, you rested your liver for 5 days and now it’s OK to have wine”. Always the rationalizations after taking several days off. I think the real test for me will be about 4 days from now when hopefully my stomach will have settled down and then I may be fighting the urge. I also had previously rsvp’d to a social event that will have a lot of wine flowing and wondering if I should cancel (this coming weekend).
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Hey Guys, I’m also on day three and feeling great right now. I haven’t gone more than a day without a beer in over 10 years. I don’t know if I’m “taking a break” or quitting for good, but I’m going to try to keep it going as long as I can. One thing that has helped me is drinking sparkling water with lime. It puts me at ease.
Susan B– I had a social plans this weekend and I have decided not to go, to give myself a little more time. But I am looking forward to going to a party or bar before long as a sort of challenge, to try to enjoy without alcohol.
I’m happy to have found this blog. Good luck everybody!
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I have been reading these comments in my free time (well, what little I have as a SAHM to two preschoolers) for the past 2.5 days. They have helped me enormously and I now know that I cannot go back to trying to drink normally at all. I am not an every day drinker, though if I didn’t have kids I probably would be. I didn’t start drinking until I turned 21 but after that I fell in love with it. All of the most fun memories I have involve alcohol. But I always drank “normally,” the way lots of other young people do, or so I thought. Social drinks, weekend blowouts at bars, etc. My husband is from an Anglophone country that loves to drink and a lot of our courtship involved cooking and drinking together. All of our vacations back to his country have involved many tipsy, fun times ‘down the pub.’ But still, during our pre-kid married life, we just drank together (ALWAYS together, never alone) on the weekends, and at pretty normal amounts. But since becoming a mom 5.5 years ago, wine has become too much of a seductive reward for me and on the nights when I decide to stay up after my husband goes to bed (at 9!) and watch TV, I end up drinking waay more than I planned. I’ve been doing this for years now, but it has escalated recently. I have had woozy hangovers most Saturdays and Sundays for the past year (and even some weekdays). I’m on day 3 of no drinking after a few other attempts recently. But I know that I am just done. Reading how incredibly similar I am to all of you has helped me see that I just cannot moderate once I start to drink. One drink will never be enough for me. I am compelled to drink and stay up late until I’ve had my fill. I’m wondering if anyone has experience with Celebrate Recovery? There is a church very close to my house that holds a meeting on Friday evening and I’m tempted to check it out. My husband will probably laugh at me (I’m not sure he realizes quite how much I consume on my drinking nights), but I feel like I need some support. I know it is Christian-based and I am ok with that. I am not so keen on AA. Anyone know if this program is more compassionate/less cult-ish?
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Carlee, I like you am not so keen on AA. Ive been there & feel like its a cult also. On the other hand some of the best people I know go to it. Im torn, I would never tell people my story except here, were all the same. Im Irish & Proud of it & for some reason I think you are too, if so , we feel this is handed down to us and we need to carry its on, a sterortype. Keep visiting & get well with the rest of us, we need to hear your stories
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carlee,
your story is exactly mine, except i don’ t have kids as i write i am very hungover, so mad @ myself, dry mouth, munchies, swollen, no energy —i have attended and completed the 12 steps of Celebrate Recovery. it is a wonderful program. but i didn’t go to quit drinking. i too don’t think my husband knows the quantity that i drink. I WORRY ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE STRESS, SOCIAL SETTINGS – SAYING “NO”, I LOVE TO HAVE A GLASS OF WINE WHILE I COOK – I WANT TO QUIT BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN SUCCESSFUL. I REALLY CAN’T IMAGINE THOSE THINGS BEING FUN WITHOUT MY WINE. WOULD LOVE TO HEAR SOME TIPS!! TERRI:)
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Great blog! Everyone seems to have a different path that has lead us all down the same booze ridden road and seems most of us are ready for a change. I was able to drink a 30 box of coors light…in a day. Not every day, but I’d have at least a 6 pack every day. Maybe a little tequila thrown in for a special occasion…call it, Thursday evening:). I had quite a few “solid” friendships and my relationship with my family was “healthy”. I sold my house last year and rented a condo with a good friend of mine. I had time and a few bucks and can BBQ with the best, so why not make the most of a summer?? I deserved it. After a few months of hard bbqing, fishing and “living the dream”, I started getting panic attacks more and more frequently in the mornings. Basically was never sleeping past 3am, only to be exhausted at 530. Some mornings, the trembles would kick in and I couldn’t drive. I would get palpitations with the 3am wake up. Morning beers became ruitine, I even got a prescription for aderol…not because I have ADD, but because it kept me up to keep on going when I “needed to”. All this to “live the dream”. Long and short, it was a nightmare. I used to sit up at 3 am and read websites and blogs on “how to quit drinking”…and then would be down on myself that I needed to read the article…and more down that I still couldn’t quit. My day happened a few months ago. After trying hard for months, unsuccessfully, to get one of my “friends” to see that I wanted help (because if I need help, maybe they did also, so better to let the elephant in the room just keep on drinking), I hit my end. Nothing dramatic. No fight, no death, no illness, no legal issue, didn’t lose a significant other…I literally woke up at 4am, anxiety setting in, and wrote out a quick gameplan:
1) talk to girlfriend
2) talk to a doctor
3) quit drinking at all costs.
I had simply 100% had enough.
Woke up my girlfriend and told her I had a serious alcohol problem. She responded “no you don’t, you just drink coors light, they’re like water, you’re just hungover this morning”. So I said again, with more detail, “I have a serious drinking problem that makes me tremble in the mornings. I can’t sleep through a night, I get fevers for no reason. I occasionally black out, I forget names and events, I lie for no reason, I feel like shit. I’m getting help today, and is like you on my team.” She sat down and looked amazingly surprised, and agreed. I called kaiser (you have to call a general 800# for an appointment). I said “I need an appointment today to see a doctor. I drink too much and I’m having alcohol withdrawals and I’m sick of it”. Woman on the other end was not the best of help, so my lady and I hopped in the truck and headed to urgent care. When I got to the check in, I told the admin woman I was there to quit drinking and needed some physical help to start. She got me checked in and with a doc within 5 mins.
Just like that, id told 3 people the most honest thing I’d said in a long time…and that felt good. The dr checked vitals and gave me some meds to cut down the withdrawals, they worked better than morning beers, who knew! I stayed there with my lady until 2 and I felt stable. I was on meds a few more days from home, but felt very comfortable. The rush of energy that I got days 4-10 was unreal. My cells were thrilled to have nutrients and water, my brain was actually getting a chance to fire the right chemicals.::my intestines, we they hadn’t figured it out yet, but the energy was insane (I read other peoples enthusiasm during that stage on these blogs). I still had the occassional night terror, but after a week, sleep was beginning to become possible without a drug. Well, after a month or so, my new norm was much more level. Not so euphoric, but a pleasant calm, and productive. Months 2-3, my brain seemed to balance back out completely. You will be amazed at what doesn’t phase you when alcohol is gone. I don’t ever get a hot head anymore, used to get them all the time (and kept them to myself, drank some more). The problems were never really “the problem”. The problem was me and my relationship with coors light. I dont get cravings, haven’t had an aderol or other drug since it quit drinking. Just no urge. My “friends” turned out to be mostly drinking buddies with nothing solid to fall back on when the booze was removed. Life has definitely become much easier. My big battle continues to be sugar cravings, I do my best to stay healthy, but dr pepper gets me a few times a week, can’t win em all:). Turns out I’m severely hypoglycemic, I’ve been able to find that out trough this process. Turns out, most alcoholics are also. So the sugar drops were making the withdrawals that much worse. So that’s my story, not incredibly eventful, but it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I won’t have “a beer”, because I know my body has zero or 30, and the feeling I had last year, nearly every morning, is still a vivid, horrible memory. I don’t miss booze, don’t miss the wild, forgotten nights…am happy to now know what a “quality” relationship actually is (I have to be a part of it also apparently, who would’ve thought?). So that’s my story, and for all of those who are sick if being sick, help is all around you, just make the choice and don’t stop moving forward, you’ll love yourself for it.
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Tipper,
You’re a man I can be proud of. Coors light was my drug of choice too with a little something extra thrown in here and there, like you said. I am so happy for both of us. I do like the sweets and maybe for the reason you stated but I’ll tackle that down the road. In May I will be a year alcohol free. It’s amazing on so many levels.
You told a great story! Very similar to mine and probably many others. Way to go!!
SS
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You and I could be siblings. I love when someone tells you that you can’t be an alcoholic on beer. OH YES YOU CAN! We are living proof of that. As my friend has said “beer drinkers are hard working alocholics.” Keep up the good work.
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Thanks Susan, thanks Tim. Ya, I actually believed all of the barstool experts for a while. I mean, if I’m not drinking to get drunk, and don’t do anything stupid, I’m not an alcoholic, right? Ha, if only that were the case. I’m sure you both have the same experience with people asking “why don’t you just have a beer?”. I respond with “I’m an alcoholic, I can’t have a beer, I’ll have my beer, your beer and your girlfriend’s shot, then I’ll sneak out the back door with your girlfriend while you’re lining us up another round”:), that usually gets me a water, sometimes and o’doules.
I’m not sure what your experiences were with significant others after you sobered up, but mine has been a bit of a challenge. My girlfriend has two kids, I don’t have any myself, just a bulldog. Her ex takes her kids every other weekend…so we get two weekends alone a month. She starts Friday as normal… bottle of wine with dinner, then another bottle after dinner…then the change in the eyes (which I never noticed until I quit drinking….I call this person with the eye change, Cruella), typically followed by a sloppy attempt to have sex, a one-sided argument about nothing (usually involves an ex shes never met, her feeling like she isn’t loved and possibly the threat of driving home…drunk obviously), and then out cold snoring (I watch the clock, it’s 45 minutes from sex attempt to snoring, I just have to wait it out)…where my dog and I head out for walk. Saturday usually has a bloody mary followed by the ruitine from Friday night. I’ve never wanted to tell anyone else what/how to live their life, so I didn’t bring it up until about a month ago.
Being a young, single, mother of two, she didn’t get out a whole lot, and thus the circus of drinking and dancing was a “necessity” for her on her free weekends. Last month, I took her and her kids on a road trip 8 hours South into Baja, Mexico for Valentines Day. Brought my boat down, got a beach front hotel for $10/night. Took her and the kids clamming and fishing day one and loaded buckets and a cooler. She worked on a bottle of local tequila and her kids helped me clean fish. Cruella made a brief appearance around 9, but seemed to fade to a mostly pleasant, slightly slurry, girlfriend type. Until a few shots of tequila more…she blacked out, started puking, and after an hour of pouring water on her head to keep her awake, took her to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. Alcohol poisoning at it’s finest. So, her kids and I sitting in the hospital room, she wakes up and has no clue what happened. Her kids asked if she remembered who they were, which I thought might be a game changer. Next day, I told her that was it for me, couldn’t be around her drinking anymore. So now, it’s almost a bit awkard. She would still dust a couple of bottles on a Friday, but knows I’m gone if she does…and I almost feel like I’m acting as her parent. I was never a ‘drink to get drunk’ type, more of a steady buzz type, so her drinking is a bit foreign to me, but in the end, booze is booze.
Did either of you have this type of challenge after you quit drinking? I love her, but it almost seems that with booze removed, we’ve lost our biggest common interest.
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Well, my heavy drinking starting when my wife got pregnant in 2007. This was a planned pregnancy but I obviously couldn’t handle it. Back then I loved me some Jack Daniels and the occasional vodka. I stopped drinking liquor completely and concentrated on beer. I wasn’t drinking much of it at the beginning but I slowly progressed into at least 12 pack a night. My wife at times is a social drinker but has always had the ability to stop and not look back. I was drinking my anxiety away as well as being on anxiety medication. I needed to stop. My wife and I love each other a lot and we have an awesome 7 year old daughter to keep us occupied. I still take one day at a time and try to stay as busy as possible. Exercise is key. I still have problems sleeping which is what I miss the most.
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Well, Tipper, I broke up with my drinking buddy before I quit drinking. Definitely was a co-dependent relationship in which I drank way more than without him. I remember questioning the relationship at the time and even asking if he felt we were going to keep drinking like that forever. He thought there was no problem. So, I don’t have an experience with having someone else to cope with and I’m very glad that’s the case. I really want to concentrate on myself, as selfish as that may sound. However, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t deal with someone who isn’t on the same track as me. Good luck with that.
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TIPPER,
AWESOME STORY, ENCOURAGING. I HOPE TO GET TO THAT POINT. I WOULD LOVE THAT DR. PEPPER IS MY GO TO DRINK-ON OCCASION. I KNOW SUGAR DROPS WILL BE A PROBLEM. I HOPE TO LOVE MYSELF FOR IT.
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H
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Still struggling here. Every day I wake up, and I promise myself I won’t drink today. And every day I fail. Last night, I wasn’t going to drink. I went grocery shopping for dinner, and avoided the beer aisle. When I got home, I realized that I had left a bag of things at the store. I had to run back out to get it, and then, and the store, I bought a six pack. I drank the whole thing, and was hoping that my partner would bring some more beer home when he got off work. He did, so I had two more. I feel awful. My liver hurts. My head hurts. My stomach is sick. I keep passing out on the couch like a fool. Then my partner has to scoop me up, which I know is making him lose respect for me. I am terrified of losing a really beautiful person, but I wouldn’t blame him if he decided to take off. I’m a wreck. I am seeing a social worker for counseling. I have an appointment tonight at 7. I schedule them late with the hopes that I can avoid drinking after. Wish me luck. I just don’t know how to do this. I am so tired of feeling hung over, though. Something has to give, right?
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I’m right there with ya!!…same here …drank alot last night…hungover…feeling like crap..hoping I don’t loose my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 5 years… I Always say “no drinking tonight” and by the afternoon I’m ready for a beer…I also drink wine too….I wanna be in control of my life…but it feels as tho the alcohol is the one controlling me if that makes any science….thanks for listening
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bobbi!!!
i hear your pain. hungover in Tulsa and want control over this poison to my body. i do so many other things that are good for me, but – can’t seem to be disciplined with the wine. i think i am going to say – today is day ONE. i am ready, but frightened!!
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terri- im with you. today is day one. for years i have managed to have a successful career, a beautiful family and wife. most days i have a drink or two (sometimes three) which I don’t find excessive but it gets to be routine- every day i grab a beer after work. then, once a month or so I get together with a group of friends and drink far too much, like i just don’t know when to shut it off. often times I do something stupid (never drink and drive, just act embarrassing) and then fall into a depression for days after. for years I’ve tried to manage the beer, trying things like drinking only at my house, hanging out with only certain people, limiting how much I have at home. However I’m realizing I can’t manage it. it’s all or nothing for me, and its now time to switch to nothing.
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candy- i know, the depression that goes along with the love/hate relationship with alcohol. i think it is time for me to switch to nothing also.
thanks,
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Sending you both encouragement and strength. It’s hard at first so be patient and gentle with yourselves. You are doing an admirable thing so be proud and brave.
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Hey Terri..that was my day one also..im so tired of feeling tired and hung over!!!…this has been a nice change for me… So far so good trying to keep busy…it helps….hope you are doing well
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Nothing will change if you don’t start doing something differently. Alcoholism is progressive – left to run its course it will take us to our grave in short order (and do a boatload of damage to everyone around us). It will not take care of itself or go away on its own – but truly, truly, you are more powerful than the booze is – I promise. It is hard at first but it does get easier and life is SOOOO much better once you get free. Sending you strength and encouragement, Bobbi and Alysia. You deserve everything good that life has to offer, including a life without addiction.
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nomoregrapegirl… it may be underlying anxiety issues but using alcohol will make many people more anxious anyway. I have depression and same fits. I think my use is self harm and self sabotage. I am used to picking at myself negatively. I make the same mistakes after drinking. I may like the drama as I have a somewhat boring life. I wonder if I can ever break free. But I used to drink every day and do not now. I prayed though I am not a Christian lol. It doesn’t seem to be working now but who knows.
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And somthing else I need to add…going through my phone to see if I called someone or was drunk texting ..lots of embarrassing moments that you can’t ever take back….and mad over stupid stuff that really doesn’t amount to anything….thanks for listening 🙂
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Wow!!!….sounds so fermiler…I want to stop also….I no longer count the bottles…I buy it by the box….it’s affecting my home life..my job…it’s hard to tell my kids don’t drink as I’m pouring another glass of wine or cracking a beer… I’m tired of the hangovers …thinking of a good reason to call in sick cuz I’ve been up half the night after I go to sleep…always do that after I have slept for about 3 or 4 hours…then I’m up at 1 or 2 am and can’t get back to sleep…so tired of living like this….I really want a change in my life…..
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I know the feeling. The hangovers, anxiety, the craziness of it all. Why cant I stop this merry go round! But I did! 6 weeks ago. Its only early days but I feel 100% better in myself already. No hangovers, no wondering who I pissed off the night before. No humiliation. I was drinking about 6 bottles of wine per week. 3 nights a week. Sometimes I would roll a joint to really get me wasted. It wasnt fun. I have 2 precious children who I couldn’t bear to to see suffer because of me anymore. Please go and get some help. Call your local community health centre. Go to AA. I have done it on my own because I couldnt afford the rehab and I didnt like AA. Go find where you belong. You can do this. We are stronger than we think. Keep posting. Go on forums. Keep.busy. get counseĺing. Try not to drink tomorrow. Just for tomorrow! Good luck.
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Listen to Kylie – she has great suggestions for you Anonymous – get help, keep busy, don’t drink, yes yes yes – this is how it is done!
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I keep coming back to this site. I quit for about a week a few months ago. Then I said, “oh I am ok, I can manage it.” So I started drinking my wine again, instead of 7 days a week, Im at 5 or 6. I justify it that I am not drinking a bottle and a half, Im only drinking about half a bottle a night….Its been a long winter and I have been bored. It doesn’t help that my husband keeps bringing wine in the house. I asked him to stop. I have looked him in the eye and said I have a problem, but the wine appears. He drinks red, I drink white. I have asked him to stop, but he still picks up a couple of bottles of whites every week. Sigh. Last week I reconnected with a group of friends who I hadn’t seen in a few months. We had a great girls night dinner and then went to a fun painting and wine tasting class. Of course I ruined the night by picking a fight with my husband on the phone while he was on the way to pick me up and ended up in tears. I brought “drama” again. The funny thing is they probably dont even realize that its the alcohol that is effecting me. They are probably thinking I just want attention. I was humiliated and wanted to smooth it over. I was supposed to meet one of the girls today for coffee and I was going to tell her what was going on and she cancelled on me last minute. Instead I had a long chat on the phone with an old friend from home about her upcoming wedding. I didn’t mention my problem. We just talked about all her upcoming plans for the wedding, new house etc. I was really happy all day after our talk and started looking at dresses online. 7pm rolled around and I decided to pour a glass of wine while cooking. One went to 2 and maybe 3, but by the time I was doing dishes I was angry at my old friend for a comment she made basically not giving me credit for an idea I had come up with for her wedding. I had laughed about it after we hung up initially thinking she must have forgotten that it was my suggestion, no biggie. Once I started drinking I couldn’t stop thinking about it and got angrier and angrier. I poured the rest of my glass out and sat down to write this.
I am sorry for babbling. It probably sounds like nonsense. I just need to talk to someone and don’t have the guts to admit my problem to anyone else yet. I feel like everyone around me has bigger issues or events happening so why burden them. I also feel like no one will take me seriously. I approached the subject once with another friend who said, “Oh I have a glass of wine every night too, its no big deal.” So here I am. Please someone tell me its a big deal.
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Hey Just Me. It’s a big deal and you need to be heard. Walk into any recovery meeting and tell them all this and heads will nod…Yep yep. We recognize ourselves in each other’s stories. Let your husband know you are serious about quitting and need support. If he brings wine into the house for you march it right back to his car and lock it inside. Then kiss him on the forehead and say, “no more please”. Call a counsellor, go to your doctor, therapist or a recovery meeting. Not sure you’ll fit in with other alcoholics? Listen to The Bubble Hour and hear what people in recovery sound like. It may help you get your courage up. You deserve peace. You had the courage to dump out the last of that wine when you caught yourself going down the resentment/drama tunnel – that shows strength. Let’s harness and make this happen for you. Big hug.
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Thank you so much for your advice! I made it through the next night (Sunday) with out any alcohol. Coincidentally I had an appointment with my Dr yesterday. I didn’t tell her what was going on, but she prescribed a medication that I actually can’t drink while takeing. (2 weeks.) I have never been a person to “mix” even beer and wine or alcohol. I am too scared of bad effects. So I know I can make it through the next 2 weeks. I have an another appointment with her next Wednesday to do a full physical so I am going to speak to her about it. I want to be healthy. I want to be sober and I don’t want to be angry. Reading this blog is so helpful. I never realize there is so much support and that so many people are like me. I am praying for all of us to stay strong.
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I hope you are doing well, Just Me. I can relate to a lot of what you said about being afraid people won’t take you seriously when you talk about your problems with drinking. I believe I have lost a couple of friends already because they don’t want to hear it. They drink, they are able to moderate (well, not always!) and they seem annoyed and/or impatient with me for wanting to express difficulties with alcohol. It’s not “fun” so they don’t want to deal with hearing me talk about it. I had one ex-friend tell me repeatedly: “you need to relax and enjoy life”. For her, drinking is a big part of relaxing and enjoying life. I wish it were also for me, and perhaps at one time it was, but now it is affecting my health and making me sick, so I have no choice but to stop. We are no longer friends, for other valid reasons!
I am not drinking today, tomorrow or the next day. And I am VERY happy about that. 🙂
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I’ve been considering quitting drinking for probably over a year and have been making unsuccessful attempts for the past six months or so. The longest I made it sober in the past couple months is nine days.
I cannot seem to find a way to wrap my head around remembering and confirming that I cannot “have just one.” One ALWAYS turns into five or six. Always. Yet I will still say to myself that I’ll only have one.
I can think of a myriad of reason why of love to be sober, yet I keep coming back to alcohol.
I’ve been the usually weekend binge drinker since college, but the frequency and amount of my drinking has imcreased steadily for the past three years or so. I am nervous that it may get worse. I worry about the effects on my body and know that relationships would improve if I were to quit drinking.
How many times have you tried and tried again? What clicked with you when you succeeded?
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Hi CTeddy! I’m so glad you’re thinking about it. Let’s see..I quit for a year back in 2006, but started back up after a family crisis ( that was dumb). Then, drank myself silly for another 5 years!!! Sheesh.. I finally found myself in a very black hole. I really couldn’t function without it. It was affecting every part of my life. I was about to lose my job and in 2011 went into an OP rehab that taught me exactly how to live sober. I’ve been that way since and consider myself a non- drinker. Used to go to AA for the first year, but I love the online blogs now. It’s kept me paying it forward to help anyone else who is having a hard time. I read everything I could get my hands on & have kept a journal to see the progress. I still love reading the memoirs of other alcoholics.
I know exactly how you feel & just want you to know that it IS possible to stay this way. Things are so much more peaceful now.
I hope you can find the courage to get a little help on this. I know it’s what you want. 🙂
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I just hit the 10 month mark and for the 2nd time I did not go up to receive my coin. I’m not a rah-rah guy and would rather have my close friends congratulate me instead of a roomful of strangers. I too, like reading the on-line blogs much more than attending meetings where most of people play the pity game. I had quit in the past always from New Year’s Day until Opening Day. Then it went to the Opening of Spring Training, then when I even thought about baseball. 🙂 For me the best thing was detox, don’t know why but 6 days isolated from alcohol took away the desire to drink. I don’t feel qualified to give someone advice on how to quit, only my own method which was detox. I attend the occasional meeting once a week, but for me AA is not the answer.
Good luck to you!
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Exactly! Despite rationalizing and telling myself I’ll “just have one”, I seem to forget that I very rarely stop at ONE! The first glass is the problem! The longest period of sobriety for me in the last year has been 2 weeks. That was after I fell, my first real drunken fall. (I’m shaking my head as I still can’t believe it happened). I never thought I’d be a falling down drunk but, hey, it happened. It was a big wake up call though (my knee has never felt the same since). I took two weeks off but it was right around the holidays and well, you can guess what happened. Back to my old habits. Planned to drink in moderation but I have learned that I’m not very good at moderating!
So, I’m happy to have found this blog and many kindred spirits. I”m on day three with zero desire to drink because my stomach is still a mess. I’m looking forward to a cup of ginger tea, and laying around on this rainy day, looking forward to a life SANS wine. 😉
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I apologize in advance for the “Rant,” or lack of flow… but this reply is really for me.. and not for anyone else…I must of read this post at least 20 times for the past month before actually being able to (click post comment). I’ll save everyone all the back story/theatrics.. and give you a 30 second commercial. I’m of those people I would call a master manipulator.. to the elitist level.. mom died when I was a kid.. never knew my dad.. rest of the family is a bunch of fuck ups..
Fast forward until age 30.. managed to obtain a 4.0 in HS, and a 4.0 in college.. lied about my past ( said I grew up rich on the lake.. when I actually slept in a bathtub with a bag of cold peas for a pillow).. I’m getting to the alcohol part.. I ended up being #1 at my firm.. for Consulting/IT../SaSS Software Sales.. I make $120,000 a year.. I abuse the shit of the Addy, YAK / disco shit (go urban dictionary that one), and sadly for the past three months I’ve been drinking a 5th of ciroc a day religiously..only because I can drink it straight.. idc about the brand or the price. I only mentioned salary.. because I try to (justify) everything.. and saw I am what they call a FHA… Highly Functional Alcohol… I only do these things on my own, I don’t drink with others… (I’ll walk around with the same mixed drink for 5 hours and act drunk).
People ask how “I’m so damn good at work,” I never give anyone the real answer, but the truth is.. I take pride in having (10+ different) personalities, and being whoever I need to be to take advantage of people.. Everyone thinks I’m their best friend, everyone loves me, ( I take pride in making people that hate me… turn them into best friends.. then fuck them over secretly)… On the outside.. I’m the guy who is married.. with a 400k house at 30… (I swear what keeps me going is everyone in life expected me to fail, and I just refuse to fail).. I don’t have kids yet because I can admit to here ( but not anyone else) I’m so damn selfish.. I only care about myself… I guess I just chase “the extremes,” in life.. People would literally fall over dead to know I was posting this..
Over the past 3 months, I’ve honestly been trying my hardest to care about my wife, and no one else ( this is a start since I don’t care about anyone).. and it’s honestly the hardest thing I’ve done.. feelings don’t come natural to me, and I struggle about the concept of empathy.. (When I say care.. I mean care inside.. not do things) For example – I’ve done these for 5+ years.. I take pride in doing 100% of the bills, making all our meals, and send her out shopping with her friends, and be the best entertainer.. “husband,” that everyone loves.. I mean actually giving a damn about someone else if they live or die.. or have a bad day..
I guess I’m just ranting now.. but…I’m not looking for comments. ( get help, your an asshole, thanks for posting).. I’m just looking to say Thank You to the original creator of this post… when I am experiencing every single thing you posted, and worse.. I figured it’s at-least time to TRY to attempt.. to stop.
It’s been 24 hous for the first time in 12 years I haven’t had hard liquor (I dont like beer or wine).. Addy.. or yak in my system.. I’m sweating, and shaking as I post this.. but it’s a first step for me…. I don’t even know who I am anymore.. the saddest part is.. my wife asked if I was on (drugs today) cuz im acting so weird.. and the truth is.. today is the first day.. of me.. actually being me…
I’ll probably never visit this thread again.. and I’m tempted to just shut down my laptop.. but I needed to complete something for once..
-It Can’t Rain All The Time….
~The Crow~
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You sound interesting, honest at least. You seem to like a challenge so perhaps separating you from everything else might be a worrhwhile exercise. I dont know, im not good with most things. Hope you ok,
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I know you said you didn’t want a reply, but I really do think you should talk to your doctor. Like me, it sounds like you might be experiencing a concurrent disorder to which alcohol is your coping mechanism. I’m no one to judge, I just know what it feels like, how I felt about myself and the world. You clearly take great pride in your life accomplishments. Asking for help doesn’t diminish that. Get yourself a copy of “The Thinking Person’s Guide to Sobriety”, I think it will help contextualizing how you feel.
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I too am struggling. I have revisited this website continuously with something that will set me onto the path of recovery. Their are many, but your post really hit home. I wish you luck, and peace. God knows we all need it.
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I want to write on this awesome blog but just writing this to insure it posts before I type my thoughts
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I quit drinking is because I got a DUI and I had to stop drinking but after I stopped I started thinking about all all the other times I drunk and drove home.there was times I didn’t even remember getting home. for awhile there I was thinking about how I could have done things different . I was thinking I should have took the back roads like I always do . I was actually mad at the State Patrol that pulled me over . now I think it was a blessing He was doing his job . I can’t believe I was so selfish back then by putting other people’s life in danger because I decided to drink and drive .overall my life is getting better because every time I think about drinking I think about how my life was back then I never want to be that person again . and if you’re on this website you must be thinking about quitting drinking also . now that I quit drinking my life is so much better . I just think about how my life used to be with alcohol and how it made me the person I do not want to be ever again .it feels like I have a new start on life I can’t remember when the last time I felt this good
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FIrst off, Thanks for the great blog. Ive been looking for some counseling from people that have been there & done that, not someone who thinks they know my disease. I will be 51 in a couple of weeks & have been drinking heavily since my late teens, it has gotten worse in the later years. In the past I would get drunk then leave it alone for a while, now I will get up & get some “hair of the dog” to stop the shaking. I have been a disapointment to family, friends & anyone that knew me. I used to be popular but drinking ruined me. Im a Jekyll & Hyde drunk, not a mean one just one that when sober would help anybody out but when drunk I only want to make sure how I can get another drink. I know how it feels to see the hurt in my Daughters eyes, it makes me want to die. My wife left me last year after a week of being passed out drunk, she came home after about 10 days, her leaving didnt bother me it was my daughters leaving me that got me. I stayed sober for about two months, then like most figured a couple wouldnt hurt Beer is my demon but lately Ive been on a Brandy kick. Ive been sober for 3 days, no withdrawal symtoms but I know the irrability is coming. Thanks for everybody on this blog, we are all in this together even though at the same time it is a personal battle. Continue to stay open & post so we can all get better together. God Bless
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You have a lot of reasons to stick with this – don’t lose sight of your goals. Wishing you strength and peace as you keep going. Three days is great – put lots of effort into self-care, motivation, and finding support.
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The hardest thing like you say is your children, being a disappointment to them and being opted out of their lives.
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This was me! All of those warning signs. I was a secret drinker – seeming to keep it all together, getting the children to school on time, in the right kit, homework done. I kept the house tidy, cooked nutritious home cooked meals, had a good social life. I never got overtly drunk, threw up, fell over or slurred, BUT I was drinking 1-2 bottles of wine EVERY DAY. Unless I had a social event, in which case make that 3! I’m on day 7 now. Please follow my journey on http://www.mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com. It would really help me.
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Your blog looks great and you will find it a wonderful tool. Remember to go back and read your early posts if you should start to think it might be okay to drink again. It helps to remember where we came from.
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I got the call yesterday morning from my doctor that my liver enzymes are triple the level of normal. All these years knowing that I need to stop and kicking myself in the rear for not being able to stop are not culminating into this day. I stopped yesterday. Today is day #2. I’m terrified. Everything you say in your posts is exactly how I feel! All these years (24 to be exact) I have fought myself. I’m tired…..I’m done! I have no choice! I may be ill and have to explain to my children, family and friends why I am sick and possibly dying…..I drink heavily. I love vodka, it’s my BFF. It’s my secret. I’m hoping I can reverse this unhealthy situation I am in but am not sure if it can be reversed. Thanks for the blog. It’s going to help me with my journey.
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Too late
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It is never too late. I will stay sober with you tonight. Who is with us??!
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Dear UnPickled,
Reading your blog and everyone’s posts have been so inspiring and moving, thank you! I’m new to this and I’ve never said the following out loud, but I have a drinking problem. Like so many others, nothing catastrophic has happened to me to make me realize that I need to stop drinking. I just don’t like how it affects my body anymore. For some time I’ve tried to cut back on my alcohol intake, and figured as long as I wasn’t drinking anymore than 2 beers a night, I was ok. However, it is so hard for me to stop after only 2 beers. I’ll be out and having a good time, and I don’t want that feeling to end. Before I know it, I’ve drank way more than I should and end up throwing up, hung over, calling out of work, etc. What has scared me the most, is that lately when I binge drink, the next morning I wake up extremely anxious, and have what feels likes panic attacks throughout the day. I also beat myself up mentally and feel the guilt and shame of not being able to control how much I drink. My husband is a beer drinker and can control the amounts he drinks, and my biggest fear is that he will no longer love me if I stop drinking. So much of what we do involves alcohol. I’ve started going to yoga more as a means of something to distract my mind, and I love the calmness and peacefulness I get with yoga. I’ve decided that I don’t like the way I feel after I’ve been drinking and I am ready to change. Today is day one. Thank you for reading!
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Thank you for sharing this, NewMe – you are giving yourself a wonderful gift. How are you doing today? What can you share about the journey so far?
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If any of you need to quit remember that people will support u and look at u like a better person. Just talk about it because there is nothing to fear about it. Also u dont need to be an alcoholic to quit. Maybe you’re a regular or daily drinker and decide you had enough hangovers and over sleeping or maybe sleeping too little. That’s what happened to me. I was waking up with anxiety attacks after drinking and sometimes because i didnt drink. It was weird and hard to identify the cause of my anger and anxiety but the solution was in my
face the entire time. Remember that some of u can have the common sence and discipline to be very light drinkers and that is ok. But only if u drink lightly about twice a month its ok, remember that what u want to do is make your body and mind not depend on it. Its easy to depend on alcohol and not even know that you
are. Good wishes to all of you.
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Hi my friends. Today is day 23 for me and this is the best I have felt in a very long time. Now I don’t even glance at liquor stores on my way home from work. I have turned down multiple happy hours with coworkers. Those used to be the norm and I thought they were harmless fun. There is no beer in the fridge where I used to count them to make sure I had enough to get me through the night. I am sleeping sooooooo much better which to me is the best part. I know some of you are just starting out and that first week just sucks. I can’t beat around the bush about it. It is all about your will power. Just keep telling yourself you can do it. All that being said I am nowhere near out of the woods when it comes to my drinking but I am feeling more empowered everyday that I don’t drink. Keep up the great work and for those of you just starting out, just get past that first week. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and talk to those close to you.
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Congrats, Tim….I had to respond to your post because it made me smile. I used to count my beer supply too. Keep up the good work, it only gets easier. SS
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Thank you SS. I am liking the way I am starting to feel.
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Tim this is so encouraging & I can tell from your blog that you’re feeling more confident about being able to stay this way. I wish you lots of sober days ahead. You can do this!! 🙂
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i so hope to make it a week, and sleep better – thanks for the story. i have to find that will power.
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Thanks to all the people who have come before me on this thread and gave me the strength to try (at this point) and not drink the bottle of wine I bought on the way home from work today, despite telling myself this morning once again that today was the day I wouldn’t buy alcohol. At first, I thought I was slowly killing myself and I’d get it together tomorrow. Now, I wake up knowing I’m on the fast track to death. I’ve always been a binge drinker and knew I had problems from around 28 onward. I’m almost 36 now and have drank everyday for about the last six years, while taking medications for the most. Today, marks 14 months since I first thought about and actually said out loud that I would quit – to my boyfriend at the time, who didn’t speak to me for 2 days because I got so blackout drunk on New Years that I puked on his bathroom wall and then had the audacity to deny it was me (we were the only 2 there and he wasn’t drunk). Since then, I’ve had a slew of failed relationships, gained pound after pound, nearly lost my job, drove my car into the side my house, broke two teeth and my nose in a fall, told my dying mother to go f-herself on what will have been our last Christmas, and that’s just the worst of it. I say I’m done every single day, and yet the hangovers, the guilt and pain never seem to go away. In fact, it’s only gotten worse as my mother inches closer to death. She’s begged me to stop, but I can’t even fulfill her dying wish and the guilt from that and the memories I took from her at Christmas are overwhelming. I live alone in a strange city and my only real friend is wine. This isn’t the life I worked so hard for and I so desperately want to stop, but don’t know how or where to start. Alcohol is a terrible, terrible friend.
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My mom had a heart attack this year. I called her one evening to share sucess of my day. She said, I know you are drinking. I beg you to stop for the sake of your 3 children. She said she can recognize my drunken voice. This was the time I started to follow this site. I am not there yet, but wake up call is here. This was the first year I falled face streight. Not on the street, but missed my bed. I have some flexibility at work, so can hide behind work from home ( severe hang over days). A few weeks back had to train all day with a hangover after bindge drinking. Puked all over myself in the car ( coffee, since I don’t eat when I drink). I turned 40 and everyone says how fab my 40 is. Kids, career, looks, but I know how horrible it is, when I need to set up my alarm clock for 10 am to look decent on the weekend at 11 am to face call my mom, who leaves oversees. Let’s continue trying and hope we get there sooner, rather than later.
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Amber dear, you need to get some outside help. Is there anyway you could go to inpatient care and get the needed supervision over your detox from alcohol? Some cannot do it safely on their own.
It isn’t that you don’t WANT to, it’s that you can’t without help. Please get in touch with your GP and let him know exactly what’s going on. I had to. It was that or die. I wish you hope & strength Amber.
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Thank you both for your reply. I’ve spent the last few days looking into outpatient programs in my area, but cost and work are major factors. I work in a hospital (admin not patient care) and the free programs in my community are offered there – so I would need to access services in my employment setting.That just screams more trouble at work for me. I did seek help two weeks ago through my Employee Assistance Program. I was referred to a counselor that could only see me on Saturdays once a month. That didn’t help as it isn’t enough and also the I spend visiting my Mom back home. I have an appointment next week with my family doctor. She’s in a nearby city so maybe she can help with a referral or other options I haven’t considered. I really do appreciate your reply and concern, and maybe I’m just being too cautious with this and my work. You’re right though, it’s something else or die. This site and others are helping in the interim.
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Hey Amber! I just wanted to add one more thing. I work in a hospital too & I went through their outpatient program. They can’t fire you or use this against you in your workplace!! It’s probably your best bet as they will give you the needed time off you deserve to get well. I hated the whole stigma of it & wasn’t sure I could do it, but once I started it taught me soo much about how to stay sober & not be ashamed of it anymore! I know you’re afraid of relapse( my biggest fear) but I’ve been sober going on 4 yrs now & it’s very doable as I was truly a lost soul.
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Thank you again for your encouraging words. Took the leap, poured out the leftover wine from last night’s bottles and successfully made it through day 1. First night sober I can remember in a really long time 🙂
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Great job for pouring out that wine – take your power back. It can be hard at first but hang in there. Stick with it and reach out any time.
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Patti, I just want to recognize your wisdom and compassion. It means a lot to see people supporting one another, especially with the perspective of long term sobriety. Thank you thank you
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Amber, I am sending you strength and encouragement. Don’t let anything stand between you and your future – you deserve peace in recovery. You can do it and I would love to hear how you overcome these obstacles. You are inspiring others so don’t give up.
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I’m 30 Years old at to the naked Eye No one would know how much i truly drank . I go to work like normal people but cant wait until Friday to drink alone until Sunday night . I hide my alcohol everywhere .. linen closet, under the bathroom sink any and everywhere. I’ve been sober 3 Weeks now because my drinking is uncontrollable and i’m aware of it . I’ve called out 4 Mondays and its only feb. I am quitting alcohol because i don’t like who i am when i drink. The person i become when i drink is Nothing like me sober. i am better off without it .
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I am cheering for you Dee!
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Hi my name is Don and I am a recovering heroin addict and now believe I have turned to alcohol I have not used heroin since 2000, I got addicted in high school, got arrested dozens of times and got two felonies. I got on Suboxone and I have been off heroin since Sept. 2000. In 2011 I started drink 2 or 3 beers here and there with my roommate. Then it went to 3-4 beers per night. I was got into a great relationship and got engaged to an amazing woman. Due to my inappropriate actions, I caused our breakup 2 weeks before the wedding. It was the most difficult and embarrassing time of my life. I started drinking vodka and Monster everyday to deal with it. I would drink myself into a stupor and black out all the time. I then got a hold of a bunch of xanax and that made it worse. I was blacking out a work and they sent me home one day. The vodka and Xanax messed me up back. I got pulled over and charged with my 3rd DUI. Long story but I got it dropped to a reckless driving and didn’t lose my license but it cost me $5k. So now, a year later, I am still drinking everyday. I actually quit for about 5 weeks through January and part of February but I had a couple drinks with friends and I ended up buying a bottle. I basically pick up a pint everyday after work. I tell myself I’ll just get the pint so I won’t have left overs so I won’t drink tomorrow. Then I end up buying another pint. If I buy a 1/5, I’ll end up pouring out the rest in the morning, but by the evening after work, I’m buying another bottle.
So to sum it all up, I don’t want to drink anymore. I don’t get wasted anymore, but I’m tired of drinking everyday. It felt so good when I quit for the 5 weeks. I want to live a clean and healthy life. To top it off, I am diabetic and the drinking is affecting my blood sugar. I think I’m going to a meeting tomorrow. I’m having a hard time deciding to tell my family, because that means I can’t drink around them anymore. I guess I’m trying to hold onto the fact that I still think I can drink every once in awhile. This sucks. I don’t’ want to live like this. I’m starting to date again and I feel like a loser if I have to drink. No decent wants a guy that drink everyday. Hopefully I can get this under control.
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Keep trying..don’t ever give up!
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I have been drinking for 20 plus years. My mom used drinking to deal with her problems and I believe that I witnessing this allowed me to learn that drinking would solve my problems. I went to a treatment place for 2 weeks at a time twice in my life. Both incidents helped me to try and stay sober but neither one really did the permanent trick. As of late, I hate drinking but am only able to stay sober when I travel for work. I travel every 4th week so I drink for 3 weeks and stay sober for one. As soon as I board the plane to come home, my mind starts to think of drinking. I believe that my home life is my main trigger. Problem with that is I have 3 kids, the youngest is 9 and means the world to me. The other two are in high school so they are doing their own thing. My wife is a divorce attorney and is very aggressive and mentally is very abusive. I stay due to my 9 year old and my wife’s aggressiveness. I do not know what to do, but I drink a fifth a day and it is killing me. I need some help. Thanks all for listening.
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Jasson, I’m so sorry about your home life. I can sympathize after 22 years with a controlling narcissist. I gradually drank more and more over the years. Finally a divorce, then 4 years of heavy drinking. Today is day 48 for me after lots of day ones. For me it just got harder to keep having day ones. Do this for yourself and hopefully you will gain some clarity in your life. Alcohol makes bad situations even worse. When you wake up the next day, the problems are still there, but now you have a hangover, guilt, and self hatred. Good luck, I’m rooting for you.
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I think we all get to THAT point where we say ‘ enough is enough. Unfortunately, I found in my experience there was no more apologising to be done.you have to move on. You know ypursrlf you cant moderate so for today just try and not have a drink. If you make it sober free congrats!! Pat your self on the back my friend. The next day, try not to have a drink. Repeat, repeat, repeat!
I am nearly 4 weeks off drinking, after continued blacking out, hurting my self and embarrassing my children. My relationship is over but I am not. I kerp busy working, excersing, hanging with the kids, having bloody peppermint t with friends. If I can do it anyone can. I hope to last 10 years! Thats my hosl, but realistically its day by day. You will love yourself for it. Take care
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I’m 33. Had one DUI at age 23, wiggled out of one with the help of a lawyer at age 28. Last Thursday, I totalled my car jumping a high curb in some spirited driving when I lost traction. Fortunately their were no police and no injuries, but I am at risk of losing my love of almost 6 years. I can’t take seeing the disappointed look on her face any more when I tell her I messed up from being messed up. I know that I can’t moderate, because I’ve tried that. I let social situations spiral into getting drunk drunk, and I drink several beers every day to “unwind” during the week, although I don’t get very drunk then. Regardless, the whens and how much don’t matter. I have chosen to drink nothing at all, and have committed to those around me and asked for their support.
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How I knew it was time…I found myself here seeking support and a place to “come out” as it were. It’s time to admit that my problem is real and I could use some support even if it only consists of encouraging words and reading the stories of those who are in recovery.
As I write this on day one I sit here with a sense of sadness, self-loathing and guilt, not to mention how crappy I feel physically today after yet another night of heavy drinking to near blackout status. I’ve come to the realization that alcohol is steadily destroying everything in my life that is good – alcohol is the dark cloud stalking my every move.
My sadness stems from how I’ve treated family and friends while under the influence, self-loathing is from my lack of control and guilt is for all of the poor decisions I’ve made in the past two and one half years of heavy drinking after over three years of sobriety.
It was not some miraculous moment of clarity that brought me to this point but something my son told me today. After I promised him (oh yes, everyone sees the monkey) I was quitting twenty days ago I lapsed after four days sober. Following a nasty episode last night, I was texting him this morning to see “why are you so mad at me today?” (as if I didn’t already know) and during the course of our conversation, with me begging his forgiveness, he said “I do forgive you. I didn’t expect anything different dad”. I can’t stop rolling that through my head and am literally crushed by his candor. However, he did say he “loves me and is here to support me”. I trust that statement was the final blow to the façade I’ve been hiding behind. Call it what you want but the realization of letting him down is the impetus for this tome.
Yes, I arrive at my second attempt slaying this demon. This time I must kill it instead of just knocking it out. There is simply too much at stake and the rocky bottom is within sight and scaring the living (insert expletive) out of me. I’ve never been so scared in all my life.
But that’s OK. Fear can be very motivating. I know how the process works and that is encouraging. Also, I have total recall of how positive all aspects of my life were when I was completely sober. This is motivating as well and where I begin the journey forward. I’m not all that fond of identifying “triggers” and avoiding scenes of temptation per se, I just know I can’t drink anymore. I realize how high the stakes are now and it’s not too late to restore my alcohol-battered body and soul, not to mention the faith of a son in his father.
It’s a journey I’m embarking upon with many hazards and trials to overcome. My first trip to Soberland was great! This trip I’ll ask for a permanent gig…
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When you started thinking about what you have possibly done to others and not to mention your body then you are heading in the right direction. At least that is how I feel. Today is day 16 for me, by far the longest I have ever gone. Keep going, you will get there and I am sure you will feel way better than any intoxicated moment you have had the last few years.
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Your pain is palpable on the page! I remember these days so vividly. It helps me stay sober when I read this.
If you need to get outside help on your situation don’t be afraid to ask for it.
I lost so much with my drinking, but now, I’ve been sober for almost 4 years! I never, ever thought it could happen for me, but I went through an outpatient program that saved my soul.
You’ve been through a lot & have had some great sober time in. You can do this!!
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I sat and read this blog and the comments it contained, questioning if any of it was even relevant for me. After reading your comment, I realized that it all is… every last bitter word.
You’re response to this article made me realize I may have a problem. (you’d think a bottle of wine on a tuesday night googling “how to get help without admitting a problem” would have been the first indicator?)
This is the first time I’ve entered this online world of blogging and help. I’m new to all of this and unsure of how it all works. All I do know is that your story and the emotion I felt through your writing has left me wanting to reach out further.
Good luck in your Soberland, Anon. I am glad that you have experienced memorable sober points in your life. Let those be your motivation. I wish you nothing but the best.
Sincerly,
another anon in search of her Soberland
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Hey Anon – thanks for the reply and I hope the post is helpful. Don’t belittle yourself for “googling” for answers – you are simply seeking a solution to a problem and perhaps could use some support. That’s OK! At least you are seeking which I interpret as a form of contemplation (see opening text on this), a step in the direction you are gravitating towards e.g. sobriety.
I can tell you this though anon – since writing in this blog I have found a new inner strength and resolve which I attribute to exposing myself to a broader audience (even as an anonymous poster) – somehow the thought of other people knowing of my plight has given me a great deal of motivation. In other words, I’m exposed and out in the open for all to stare at kind of like that dream of being naked in front of an audience!
So keep reaching out, there is not only a solution but people to lean on along your journey to Soberland.
Take care!
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Unpickled,
So glad I found your blog… What you wrote is pretty much exactly what I’m going through. My fiancé and I both have a drinking problem – we both stopped drinking a while ago. I went cold turkey for about three months and felt fantastic, and thought I could go back to having a glass of wine or two here and there. WRONG. Now it seems like every time we do something that should be fun, I turn into a train wreck. This weekend we were at my friends jack and Jill having a really good time. Then I drank too much, started being a total jerk to him, and threw up all over myself in the bathroom for two hours. I’m sick of hurting him, and I don’t want our kids growing up and knowing me like that, although they’ve never seen it. I just don’t know why I can’t stop. I’m on day two now… Feeling symptomatically fine… Just still feeling like a total jerk.
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Be gentle with yourself and know that you never have to experience that humiliation courtesy of alcohol again! Thank you for reminding us that sober is better 🙂
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Reading these are giving me hope. I’m in my late 20’s and I’ve been drinking daily in large consumption for almost two years. Yesterday I was drinking from morning until night. Today I woke up dizzy, I’m still shaking and I have no energy. My breathing pattern is different and so is my heart rate. I feel so crappy. I can’t believe I feel stuck. And why don’t I just stop drinking? My depression started when my mom passed. Then I was in a violent relationship. So I feel all this anxiety I suffer with has caused me to drink so much. I want to quit. I’m counting today as day 1. I really don’t even want to see a drink. Which everyday I’m usually up early to get some beers. I just want to talk to people who are going through this transition alone. Because I’m alone in this and it’s hard.
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Luna – hope you are feeling better! If your body isn’t stable and you are trying to quit, you may need to get additional help. I am a respiratory student and do clinicals at the hospital – I have seen a few people that were drinking large amounts daily and tried to quit cold turkey come in with additional medical issues because their kidneys and liver are in shock! I never knew that could happen. Keep up with not drinking, but you can never be too careful. Listen to your body! Don’t decide to keep drinking because of the problems, but DO go see a doctor for some medical advice! Best of luck!
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Let me echo what Amy stated. I was physically addicted and without a supervised detox I would have been in trouble. I spoke to one gentleman in rehab that tried it and he ended up in the ER. Despite all the visions I had about detox clinics from The Lost Weekend and The Days of Wine and Roses, it turned out to be nothing like that. Sad to say, it was about the best week I spent in a long time. Consult your PCP.
Good Luck!!!
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Hi Luna, your not alone, thats what this blog is for. We are here for you facing the same problems you are. Please reach out to us, theres no secrets here. Not sure about you or others, but Ive told people I dont trust myself. What a crappy feeling that is. I dont want to drink but feel like theres a demon in me telling me a few wont hurt, we all know what that leads to. Ive said things on this blog that I have never told others because the people here can relate. If I told people Ive been at the store at 7am to get booze, I would be harshly & rightly so criticized but a lot of you understand & reach out. Stay strong & never quit quiting. God Bless
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Hi Luna, as both said below, it’s near impossible to quit cold turkey if you’ve been doing the morning to nights ruitine, I was there. Ed and I both did the same thing. If you’re still having trouble, call your doctor and schedule an appoint for 6am, before withdrawals set in. He/she will check your vitals and organs and will put on you on a benzo (diazapam is most common). Trust me when I say it will make you feel 100 times better. No more anxiety, no shaking, no panic attacks. And you will only need it for a few days! I was Also able to still talk normal, walk the dog, emails…so you’re not just laid out asleep. You will wean off after a few days and a week after you’ve started, your physical dependence is gone (sleep patterns take a bit longer). Then you can start working on the root of the problem, and exercise and read A LOT. Lots of vitamin b, lots if green tea. Don’t drink caffiene week one. But 100% go see a doctor if your having the withdrawal systems you described. Ed and I discussed this before, does wonders to go see a doc and frankly it’s very dangerous not to if you’re experiencing physical withdrawals.
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Ok, here goes..I am 53 years old. As a kid I was always the “party guy”. I was the one at the party making sure everyone’s glasses were full and shots were taken as often as possible. I am Irish and I did my best to live up to the stereotype. I was never an expert at anything but I know how to drink and everything there is to know about alcohol. That carried on through my 20’s and 30’s. In May of 1993 my wife gave birth to a beautiful daughter born with a congenital heart defect, I think that is when my drinking became more of a crutch than a good time. In April of 2007 we lost our daughter at the age of 13 to complications of her disease. That is when I started to use constantly. My wife is very understanding to the fact that this was my coping mechanism to such an unspeakable tragedy. But after a while it did start to affect our marriage and my relationship with our other daughter. Finally last year I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of blaming my situation on anything or anyone I could think of. I quit cold turkey for 7 months. Then one day I thought “I can drink like a normal person.” And began to slowly go back to where I was when I stopped the first time. Something inside me will not allow me to drink “occasionally”. I like it too much when it’s going down my throat and I hate myself more the following day. I am on day 7 of my new life. Feeling pretty good, I just hope those thoughts of being able to drink again will not creep in to my head. Thanks for this blog, we are not alone. Good luck to everyone struggling out there.
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Hi on day2 after 28 days sober and 2 weeks drinking. First 5 is the thoughest. . At least I have stopped. Called my sponsor, He didnt answer I am finding it difficult. This blod is helping
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Hi Jim – welcome back. It can be really hard at first but as you get going and build your networks of support it does get easier. I am glad to know that this blog and all the amazing comments here from thousands of others like you and me helped you get through a difficult evening. It is so important to know we are never alone in this. I am sober with you today my friend.
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If been drinking a mix of whisky gin and beer for 30yrs.say I’m going to quit money time but still keep drinking.lots of the stories I read here resemble me I just can’t get started .is there any hope?
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Hi Rob. Keep reading, keep searching for answers and feeding that part of you that wants to change. Know that it’s possible. Know that your life could be even better than you imagine. You are probably more ready than you realize, and when you decide you really want it, you will find the strength to do things differently. There’s lots of help out there. Lots of good people are happy to show you the way, but it starts with you wanting to change.
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UnPickled:
I want to thank you for your time spent doing this blog. Just responding to our comments is a great source of strength to us out here. Those of us that are not as strong get stronger everyday we dont drink. This sharing you provide gives me courage . I thought I was very bright but I have lived in a house of mirrors. While drinking the reflection we see… we think is true is but a distortion. Everyone else knows who the drunk in the room is except the drunk. How many times have I said …no that wasnt me or I dont so that or I am not that insensitive. Soberity shatters those mirrors.I posted last night and I am almost 3 days sober Cranky with the kids agitated but where I would yell while i was drinkiing, I know can control and be understanding. I wish Rob and others the strength to begin. I like many others thought after the clinical 30 days or so without a drink I could drink again. I dont want to believe I cant drink normally. I might not agree with Bill W in some things but I know for some us We can never drink again.
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Hang in there! Those early ten days are awful I recall i moped and mourned and was pissed off that everyone else could still drink but it definately passes. Kept telling myself that to get to a new life i had to go through those days. Changing old habits and patterns helped. We have grocery stores that don’t sell booze which helped. A quick walk took me from – if i dont drink now someone is gonna die – to – phew im through that craving and i dont need it – glad i didnt fold.
I gave myself stern talkings to – no, just no, we have discussed this, i am not drinking no further debate required, focus on something else.
The angst you feel passes, i promise. I go to weekly meetings, at a rehab centre, i am not in the day program and they think I’m a legend for doing this on my own. Best thing i took away last night is that i am my best support. I am my gatekeeper. I know me and what’s best for me. I will ensure that i support myself, not lead myself into temptation not entertain debates on slipping.
I’m two months dry. I feel honest, i am not a faker anymore, i am healthier, my family think im a star and I’m busy doing this! Me! I used to drink a bottle a day and more if i had perhaps hid a back up bottle in my car boot. Drunk, slurring, argumentative self righteous and knowing always knowing that I would end up alone divorced unhealthy with my kids dreading seeing their alcoholic mother four times a year.
You are busy doing it too! Well done! Day 4 becomes week 4 and week 4 becomes 4 years until you have unravelled the reason it went off the rails in the first place, enough to know emphatically that you will never go there again that you have evolved beyond such a life and that you would rather eat glass than drink alcohol. I know its possible i see that it is in my meetings.
Best of luck and love xxx
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Thank you so much! I cried when I read this! Day 5! Feeling good this morning.
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Day 3 for me.
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Hang in there Kim. You will get there.
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This conversation is giving me a lump in my throat – the exchange is beautiful and inspiring. Linking arms and helping each other along is how we get there, people!
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Day 5 for me, feels good. First two days were hard and had withdrawal sweats and slight headache. During day 3 I was depressed and thinking of drinking, but pulled through even though I knew that I had a bottle of wine hidden in my office. Day 4 I actually went for a run, and thoughts about drinking for hardly present. Today on my day 5 I woke up feeling
refreshed and with some energy finally. Also I was making juice at home with lots of green vegetables like celery kale also some carrots ginger and apples. Drinking lots of water from day 1 I believe helped me to stay positive. Today I’m going running again and later will look into starting a website for my business which is way overdue due to lack of energy and motivation caused by my binge drinking. I know it has been only 5 days since my last drop, but wow what a difference ‘a day makes’. Im looking forward to staying free of this poison alcohol. Does anyone have any tips to help not to relaps? Wish you stay positive and strong.
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Thank you. This makes me happy. I need to focus on what I will gain, not what I’m missing.
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I just found your website today. I am 40 years old and my drinking is getting out of hand. I come from a family of drinkers. No social occasion is complete without alcohol. My husband never used to be a big drinker but over the years he has started drinking more with me. He is still more of a weekend drinker though and can keep it at a couple drinks or stop with no issues. I remember the day when I was at home with my 3 kids (still on mat leave with my third) and I was bored and waiting for my husband to come home, going crazy. I though, hey I could just have a drink right now. What the hell. And I think that’s when it really started. I now come home from work and start drinking. I pour myself a healthy dose of rum. Then another. Then one more before my husband gets home from work. How can he not smell it on me? At first I was drinking the booze out of our liquor cabinet but it was becoming obvious that I was drinking it. For a while I was topping it up with water so he didn’t notice. Then that wasn’t enough so I just starting buying my own bottles and keeping them in my dresser. I’ll sneak them into the recycle bags one by one so it’s not noticeable. I rarely seem drunk. I can really keep it together. I just feel good. It’s like the only thing in my world right now that I look forward too. I hate my job, my marriage is not a good one, I feel pretty isolated from my friends (my husband is controlling and jealous). I love my kids more than anything though. I have been really depressed and I know that the drinking is making it that much worse. I am a runner, I eat healthy. Everyone sees me as being put together. They have no idea. I also pick at my skin which I read about on here – it’s gross isn’t it. I peel the skin off my shoulders. I know have these white scars all over them and i can’t wear a tank top anymore. I find it a bit of a relief to hear that someone else does this. Anyways, I’ve tried stopping before. I stopped for a week not long ago and felt so good. I thought I could just have a drink or two on the weekend. Apparently not. Next week I am going to see a counselor. I’m going to tell my doctor too. I can’t keep hiding this. It’s too easy for me to just go back to drinking otherwise. I don’t want my kids to grow up with a drunk. Or for them to become me. They deserve better from me.
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Hi Momof3, my heart aches for you sister. There are so many moms out there like you and me, who start using alcohol because it helps at first and then realize that it has become the bus that drags us through life. Please hear me: YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW. You can change this, and even though it is difficult at first, you can change and your life will be better for it. You may have doubts about your job and your marriage, but the first thing you need to look at is your relationship with alcohol. Give yourself freedom from the hold it has on you and get some clarity on everything else – see how that goes. Give it time, lots of time. Once you are solid and steady within yourself, facing the hurts you are currently numbing with alcohol, you will be amazed at the life you find within yourself. I giving you a standing ovation for talking to your doctor and therapist. Enlist good support – if you don’t get a positive response from them, switch professionals. This is your life, you are the CEO. Big strong hug.
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Hi Momof3, thank you so much for sharing. Reading your post really resonated with me because I find myself in a similar situation and I am considering that maybe it’s time I take alcohol out of the picture. I would love to talk to you! Would you be open to that? I’m 35, happily married, 4 kids, 2 business’s and really no reason to be drinking as much as I do 😒 Which is usually just on weekends but sometimes totally overindulge. I also come from a family of drinkers on both my mom and dads side. I feel like I am turning into my mom and I so don’t want to be that way. I want to break the cycle and continue being strong for my kids but I find myself slipping here and there. I admire your decision to take such great steps moving forward! Takes courage 🙂
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i dont know wat to write i have been drinking rum 12 pegs a day i dont know wat to do i have no help around i stay alone 40 and unmarried. i dont know at to do. i live in india.
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Hi Sam, I’m glad you are reaching out. It sounds like you could use some guidance and encouragement. How about an online meeting at http://www.smartrecovery.org, or one of the other pathways?
Sent from my iPhone
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SMART is really great, and they have many online meetings. They are very very helpful in changing your thought patterns about alcohol. If you need face to face support, AA also exists in India. I know people have various opinions about AA, but it’s good to meet other alcoholics, even if you don’t ascribe to the steps.
http://www.aagsoindia.org/
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After a few months of not drinking a drop, fighting through the temptations and just saying no to my own brain saying its ok to have a few, I am starting to see real changes. I struggle with depression and have for many years. My wife has been through some tough times with my drinking and depression. We had a great valentines dinner…she had a cocktail I made for her and I drank water. It is a change to be able to just enjoy what Im doing and not have the urge to smash down a few drinks to “take the edge off”. My edge must have been very jagged because a few was never enough. I went cold turkey and have used that will power to now eat better, sleep better, exercise, focus on work and my wife. I look in the rearview and an glad that I can leave that drunk guy by the side of the road and move forward with my life and business. There are so many reasons to put down the bottle and those reasons are different for all of us. Our stories are similar and our efforts to quit are as well. My reasons and method may differ but the results are the same….a clear head, a rejuvinated spirit, a body that can be healthy again and a lasting group of family and friends that supported us along the way. Im not religious or extra sensitive, but the direction my mind and body and spirit are going in has been 20 years delayed because of the lack of control I had with alcohol. I wish all of you the best and I will continue to read this blog to aid my current convictions to stay the patient and stay the sober course.
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Well, day three for me! I have no withdrawal symptons. I think I am just abusing alcohol too much and feel the need to stop after a big argument with my boyfriend while I was in a drunken rage for no reason. I do these things when I’m drunk. It’s not good and I treat him badly so I want to stop drinking altogether so this doesn’t ever happen again. I don’t know that person when i get drunk. i know the sober person would never act like that.
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Day 4 and Im feeling very depressed.
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I’m right there with you Kim. Day 5 for me today and yesterday was tough. After reading many sobriety blogs I actually excited to start my own on wordpress. It’s really helped to have someplace to journal, and yes, vent. It has also given me some sense of accountability as I haven’t discussed my decision with my family yet. Check it out if want to follow along. May help to see the thoughts of someone who is right where you are. Although, I warn you, they’re a bit jumbled right now. Sharp fork in the road.
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Sorry for typos. Replying from my phone….
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No problem, how do I follow your blog? I am really not feeling well tonight. How long until these withdrawal symptons go away? Stomach is so tight..my eyes feel crazy and I can’t concentrate. I just feel dizzy and strange.
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I think you should be able to search Sharp fork in the road on wordpress. I’m new to this – all of it…. I’m not really sure about the withdrawal symptoms – I haven’t had any physical symptoms. Others may be able to answer that better than me. You may need meds to help balance your symptoms for a few days?
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How are you doing today, Kim? Hang in there and reach out if you need support or want to share your successes. Others are learning from you and encouraged by your bravery.
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Day 10 and feeling fabulous! I’m over that hump. Still have thoughts of how I can continue life with never having a drink again but I’m sure that will fade also. Day by Day my friends!
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Kim – So glad to hear you’re doing well! I’m loving the positivity and support we are all giving each other on this blog! Today is my Day 4… I’m doing better than I expected to be, but I’ve been so busy… I know this weekend is going to be a lot more tough. But I can do it – where there’s a will, there’s a way – and it seems like everyone on this page has a will to do what’s best for them!
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Day 4/5 were the worst days for me..glad you are feeling good. The weekends are always the hardest for me. But we take it day by day. I’ve starting cooking again to occupy my downtime at night. My daughter loves it! It’s good you are staying busy. The first week is the worst.
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Omg! Only day 3. (Actually 2 1/2). I feel fatigued , unmotivated and sad. No one knows the frequent binges and almost daily drinking. Nor am I ready to tell anyone . Tomorrow starts the weekend . God help me! My mother will be over to “help” with the kids while my husband is out of town. Her “help” consists of me listening to her repeated stories. She’ll bring over a bottle of wine, which I already know will be SO tempting due to the fact that’s how I get by while she stays ! She means well, but it’s another stressor to hear her go on and on, an talk so loudly . Ugh. But being alone probably wouldn’t be any better, as I would want a bottle and catch up in DVR shows. This sucks! I’m so afraid I will give in sat night or after she leaves on Sunday. I already feel I need some now:( Is this going to work out?
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Hi All. I have been here before and I have been on a roller coaster since the beginning of the year determined to quit drinking. I am on day 9 and it is the 4th time I have stopped this year alone. I feel confident this time is for good. Since January 1st I have quite for 4, 4, 7 and now 9 days. I had the best sleep in a long time last night and I feel somewhat refreshed at work for once. Beer was my flavor of alcohol and I drank a lot of it for too long. I already exercise and eat right I just need to eliminate the excessive drinking or stop it altogether. To all of you struggling stay vigilant. Even though I have faltered multiple times this year alone I kept pushing myself to stop.
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How are you doing? Still alcohol free? If so, how do you feel?
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Today is day 11 and I am feeling better every day. Idle time is the enemy and I have been taking care of that with exercise and doing stuff with the family. Thank you for asking.
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That’s awesome. Just finishing day 4! Ugh!
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Keep it up. Day 12 today and it just seems like it is getting easier. I am in this for the long hall. I am a beer lover and I live in the land of micro breweries. The first week was very tough but this week has been good and I am sleeping which I welcome more than anything.
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Day 10 for me and feeling great!
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My withdrowel symptons for those who think you are safe. Day 1 was very familiar, as skipping one day was a norm after a bindge driking. 24 hours of absetence little shaking and little cold sweat. What hit me is the 48 hours ( didn’t do it much)…. Shaking not that much of an issue, but heart racing at night for a few seconds. Scary…. Never had that before. Energy….. Lower, than with moderate drinking. All I can tell 3 days of not drinking showed me how troubled I am, which I didn’t know before. I was not expecting withdrowel symptons. I alwyas thougth the next day after you skip drinking would be just normal, but to see the second night and day reminders are call for action. I am that! Alcoholic. Stage ” you need help!l ” I need help.
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I would never have made it without going into detox. Stopping cold turkey on your own could be fatal if not supervised. You should consult your physician. Good luck!
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Thank you! I made an appointment with my doctor for annual check up, but planning to address the big elephant for the most part. One step at the time. This week I made some change, not enough. Next week another step closer to a happy life.
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Without too much of a background which all of us share. Here is my good and bad for today. I was clean for 3 days and could with a greater effort claim 4. I fell of track, I am not fully commited to abstence, but on my way. I know that. 3 days were at least 1,5 years in making. I didn’t make a loud announcement to anyone, I am making it now, I guess. What I want you to know, which I find good and bad, how my husband would not question much my daily drinking, but when I went 3 days on my own, pulled some judgement ( very little) once I asked for wine, I asked him to hide on Monday. He has all the rigth to judge me tonight. He wouldn’t be judging me tomorrow, as he is a normie and drinks weekends only. I am still proud of my effort this week and I will try to be even better next week. 3 days, yes, not much…. But I didn’t crave physically a drink ob day 1,2,4. Good. Triger was set at work, if I left at that moment, I would hiy the gym, instead I let work “excuse” continue till my co worker said you had a stressful day, do you want to go out for a drink? I gave up( gave in)….
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I am you!
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You all have such amazing stories. Amazing because you are brave enough to tell them. I’m not threw yet. But I know I have to change. I did change but it made me so stressed I came to a point I know I have a problem. Yes to I his my last drink. But is it??? Will see
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If you are ready to embark on a great adventure back to your highest self, then jump in and start living again! I am cheering for you – I hope I hope you find the strength inside to start today. It is hard at first but then so so worth the effort!
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Iv not had A glass of wine for 12 days, iv told every one I’m having A dry February, deep down I know it’s all or nothing. I went to AA meeting about 8 years ago,I was not ready but it made me think. I drink A bottle of wine most nights and I’m tired of feeling so let down by my self! The company I keep are big drinkers so it all seems the norm to drink. I’m going to make to the end of the month because I need to know I can. Iv only ever stoped for 9 days 8 years ago. Was restless last night and thought today I would Have A wine, after reading your story’s I feel strong again and ready to face my day! So thank you and good luck every one ☺️
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Hello everyone, first of all I hope and pray to God that we all get well and sober.
I would like to share my story and hopefully it will make me feel better about my problem. My husband and i are both alcoholics, I have to admit it finally. We have been married for 6 years and we don’t have any living children, I have had 5 miscarriages in the past. In begging of our marriage we would drink only on weekends but nothing too bad, but the past 3 years we have been drinking every night and it is making me so unhappy. My husband is in the military and he is often gone, so the past 3 years he have been gone to deploy very often. I started drinking wine almost every night bc it made me feel better and not so lonely, but it started to get worse and worse. This past 6 months he has been home and we have been drinking so much, he would wake up in the morning and drink, and i would start in afternoon and drink whole bottle of wine and some of his vodka, we will pass to bed at night and i would not remember anything and wake up the next day feeling terrible for couple of hours and then we would start drinking again, so this has been going on for over 6 months. Last night was our first night that we went to bed with zero alcohol b/c we decided to stop drinking, it started to affect our marriage, we would fight and i would get emotional and depressed and so does he. My husband and I are best friends and we admit to each other of our problems but i am so worried that one of us will get weak and go to the store and get a bottle of something. So last night we didnt have any alcohol and we were both quiet and just watching the tv, when we went to bed we were both sweating and toss and turn and barely slept. I am so scared for the both of us, i just want to support him but I also need to support my self. I am praying to God that we both stay strong through this difficult time and support each other and just stop drinking. He is seeing therapist at his work, so that might help…his problem is worse then mine, he drink a lot more then I do, but I am bad as well. I use to think that drinking makes my worries go away, but i realized that is only making me feel worse and that is affecting our marriage. Please pray for my husband and I that we will stick to this plan and get sober together. ( I use to think that when we drink we had more fun together, but i know that i am wrong and i hope this would pass ).
Prayers to all of you!
Love, Kat
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Hi Kat, sending you love and strength. How are you doing today? The first few days can be the worst so don’t be frustrated if it takes a few times to get going. Once you free yourself of the alcohol trap you can move forward and start dealing with some of the heartaches and burdens that you have been trying to numb instead of face. You can both get back to your true selves and regain your partnership. You can pull each other higher. I am cheering for you. Consider going to meetings together or getting some support. You have had some serious trauma in your past and it is a heavy burden to carry alone. I will be thinking of you so please kep writing and let us know how you are managing.
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I hit rock bottom today. I always convinced myself I didn’t have a problem because I didn’t drink everyday, but I can no longer ignore this. I am a binge drinker who drinks until they black out and can’t remember anything. I wish that I would pass out or vomit, but it is scary that I will wake up in the morning and not remember half of the night. Alcohol has always been a problem in my relationships, because I get angry and aggressive for no reason. I am a very sweet, happy, friendly person when I am sober, but 1/10 times drinking I turn into a monster. Last night I drank so much and blacked out, and woke up to my fiance telling me he wants to leave me because this has happened one too many times. I am serious this time when I say that I am going to get help, but I think that he doesn’t believe me because I have said this before. It is terrible that I have basically cried wolf so many times, and the time I am actually serious about changing my life, he does not trust or believe me. I have been in many dangerous situations because of my drinking, and I am very lucky nothing bad has happened to me. I hope that I can pick up the pieces and rebuild my life, and that he does not think too much damage has been done to work it out. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How do you convince someone that you really mean it this time, even though I have said it several times before?
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Hi kelly. I have done this too many times to count. It got to the point I wouldnt even apologise anymore. It was like an unwriiten law. I stuffed up again but lets not talk about it as I dont remember it.
I have not had a drink in 10 days! Wow 10 whole days. I walked every night after work last week and am just about to go on one now.
My relationship with my kids dad is over even though we still live together. He wont leave until I can prove that I can live a sober life and he is right to do this. I feel soo good and I so hope I stay feeling like this because at the moment I feel invincible! I love me and my kids and I will do whatever it takes.
I am new to this site but was in tears last night reading everyones comments. Dont give up, you can do it! Think how good you will feel everyday. Good luck
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Hi Kylie,
Wow! 10 days is amazing! Good for you 🙂 I think the biggest challenge is getting through the first weekend and you have done that. I think my fiance will start believing I am serious when he sees I don’t drink this weekend. It’s scary to say I have only had one sober weekend in probably the past 8 years. You can do this! I think we will finally start to feel alive once the drinking fog is gone and we have more healthy things to do with our time. good luck 🙂
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I think the only way you can convince your fiancé that you are serious about quitting alcohol is by doing it. Actions speak louder than words. Time will tell. My mother wasn’t not very supportive when I told her I needed to quit. She even said that I probably couldn’t. After a few months she saw that I did what I said I was going to do. Now, after eight months, she has become proud of me, as I am of myself. You have to do it for yourself, no one else really matters. Good luck!
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Kelly, I kept telling my husband I was going to quit and he kept telling me I was fine. How would he know otherwise – I was hiding so much! Finally I quit secretly and didn’t tell him for the first week. Then I told him everything – the truth – and he finally knew I was serious. Whatever happens next, it will be better sober than it will be with alcohol. It might feel raw and scary, but you will be REALLY dealing with it all and that is the absolute best way.
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Sounds like me. He doesn’t know about the bottles hidden in my drawer and that I start drinking the minute I get home from work.
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This is exactly my story..he is giving me another chance after a drunken rage. This is the first time I am trying to quit completely. He even offered to stop drinking with me because he loves me and wants to support me. Hopefully your boyfriend will give you another chance. It’s so sad that we put our loved ones through this and don’t even realize the damage we are doing at that time. I hope he trusts you again and you are able to see it through. Im hoping the same for myself. I’m feeling really confident and almost can’t wait to start this new “clean” journey!
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Really heartbreaking to read everyone’s story here and to recognise myself in so many of these stories. Quitting is really a matter of mind over matter. The hardest is that first day and that is when you decide with all of your mind that it is time to quit. I did and I fell because I lost that strength of mind. Fortunately manage to make it pass day one again and reinforcing that same belief that it is all about mind over matter. I know and accept now that there will never be a day ever again where it is possible to have that one more drink or that one more smoke. It is game over and my brain knows it and because of that the cravings is tolerable.
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I am a mother of two young kids and my husband and I are going through some extremely difficult financial times right now due to a nearly failed business. The stress of this has caused me to drink daily and I am noticing that I am drinking more and more each night. I don’t feel any physical addiction, just mental at this point and I am terrified of it getting worse. My husband has no desire to quit and thinks I am ridiculous that I think I might have a problem. He never has a hangover and seems to cope fairly well. However, I have noticed that he is drinking a lot more lately. I feel like the person I was just six months ago is disappearing and I recognize that I am falling into a deep, dark hole. I have been in denial for a long time because I don’t drink a lot, or so I thought.
I am noticing my pattern and the fact that my drinking is increasing. The past six weeks have been the worst. I don’t blackout or do embarrassing things but I know this could get out of control very quickly. I will have anywhere from three to six drinks nightly and I can’t remember the last time I took even one night off.
My mother died of a drug overdose thirteen years ago and my dad drinks regularly but doesn’t seem to have issues with it. My brother is a raging alcoholic and is homeless. I don’t know where he is and never hear from him. He lost everything, including his kids several years ago.
I am no where near this point but I know that alcoholism starts somewhere and I know I need to quit before it gets out of control. I want more for myself, my health, and my kids.
I can’t say that I pick up alcohol at the store daily but I think about it daily. My husband keeps us stocked with wine and alcohol so I don’t have to worry about it. I feel like I can’t quit because he won’t. He reads me articles all the time about how alcohol is good for your heart and he justifies daily drinking by citing people in Europe. His consumption has increased a lot lately too due to stress.
I guess I am just looking for some support. I keep telling myself that I will quit when the stress gets better but I know I won’t if I don’t just stop now. I would love to connect with someone to help hold me accountable and I can hold them accountable. In the meantime I will visit this blog regularly for support.
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Hi! I would love to connect ☺️ I am also feeling like I am spiraling sometimes and entertaining just quitting! Would love to talk.
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I was on a different website today reading comments and this comment is worth sharing with all of you:
“Alcohol withdrawl symptoms is the monster inside you dying. He knows you’re killing him and he’s struggling to make you feed him. Don’t do it. Don’t let him win. Starve him of alcohol and he will die. Don’t let him trick you. Be strong. It won’t last forever and if you stay strong you will win.”
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That is very strengthening. I’m at 24 days now and reading this blog today is fortifying. Thank you and good luck to all of us. We can do this!
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It’s encouraging reading everyone’s comments on here. I’m 27 and I drink everyday, mostly beer in combination of smoking weed. For the past few months I’ve been trying to make that choice of just quitting. And like a lot of people’s stories here, I say I’m going to stop and just end up going to the store. It’s so weird, how did I end up like this? I went to AA for a year because of a dwi sentence and I never stopped drinking, I just kept to myself. It was good to hear everyone’s personal stories but I didn’t feel I was ready to quit drinking. So when is one ready? Till you hit “rock bottom”? I don’t want to get to that point, I’m lonely and miserable as it is. I always tell myself, “if only my circumstances were different”… Sometimes I don’t think I realize how bad this is, I’ve been pushing people away from my life. There’s a battle going on in my mind, constantly. I’m sure most of you can relate…..
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There is always an underlying “reason” for our drinking. Right now, I have entered the stage of realizing that quitting the actual act of drinking is great, but it doesn’t solve the real problem of why I wanted (needed) to be numb every night. So I went to my doctor and got a recommendation for a councelor. The doctor also prescribed a higher dose of the antidepressant I am taking and an anti anxiety medication to take when I am overwhelmed. It has been difficult for me to admit that I cannot “deal” with certain stresses. So the fight with my teenager, the reaction from my husband and the email from another employee equalled drinking when I got home each night.
Now, here’s the funny part – I am a Navy veteran and I was one of the only female EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) Technicians. I disarmed bombs. I was/still am a bit confused as to how I can handle that sort of stress and anxiety but cannot handle the “normal” daily stresses. (I’ll let the councelor figure that one out and get back to me…)
Regardless, this part is well worth the effort. Why? Aren’t you tired of feeling like crap every morning? Aren’t you tired of feeling guilty about stopping at the store again and getting more alcohol?
Instead of becoming a “Dry Drunk” I’ve have decided to face my demons.
Fabian – To answer your question – there is no exact “right time.” It is therefore the right thing to do.
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For years, I joked about being the most “functional” alcoholic I knew: I was always the first to work, I never received a DUI, my bills were paid on time… But I always knew there was going to be a point where I’d have to just admit to myself that I have a problem. Unfortunately, it took not one but TWO suicide attempts in less than a year before I realized that alcohol was destroying my life.
At first, alcohol seemed to “help” my depression… it gave me that little kick of life in social situations and I became a gregarious social butterfly, so much in contrast with my usual introverted self. But, like many of us here, it quickly went from social drinking to requisite drinking. For the last three years, I tried to figure out what the magic liquor was (gin made me black out, beer made me bloated, wine made me sleepy, tequila made me horny…) and what the magic number of drinks I thought I could handle was (I aimed for 5, but once I had 5, the damage was done and I kept on going…and there’s no point in having just one or two. What’s the purpose of that?)
My first suicide attempt ended up with me in a 5 day stay at the mental hospital. My told my then-husband who was overseas what my intentions were and he made a few phone calls and before you know it, the cops were at my house and blah blah blah. Lesson learned? Tell no one again. Well, last Monday as I found myself on the bathroom floor trying to force myself to puke up the bottle of prescription sleeping pills I ingested, I realized that this was it… If I lived through it, I would never drink again.
I’m on day 7 now. I’ve tried to quit before and failed. But this time I know it’s now over never. It brings me hope to read everyone’s story knowing that it’s not just me… and that we can all prevail.
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I am so glad you are here to share your story. My heart aches for your sadness – do you have some support around you? There are lots of good GOOD people in recovery who can really make this a lot easier for you. Also talking to your dr about your depression and addiction (they tend to go hand in hand) can really help – getting the right medication for your depression could help loosen alcohol’s grip and vice versa. You deserve a life of happiness – you are worth it, even if you can’t feel it or believe it right now it is absolutely the truth.
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I have a lot of reading to do to catch up. I just found your blog today. Right now I am finishing the last glass from my last bottle of wine. Finger crossed. I need to stop. I know I do. I am pretty scared but I think I can do it.
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I can relate to every thing on this list. I am 36, and I drink almost every single day. I have no interest in low alcohol drinks. I want IPA or liquor. I am not drinking tonight because I need to have some sober days or I will hate myself, but it is my first alcohol free night in about a week. Every morning I wake up and say to myself that I will not drink today, and every afternoon rolls around, and the craving kick in, and I break down. About two weeks ago I was in a bad car accident because I ran a red light while drunk. I could have been killed. In my defense, I hadn’t planned to drive, but I got separated from my ride, and made a poor choice in the moment. I black out regularly. I have a faint, dull pain under my right ribcage all of the time. I have two boys, 13 and 6. I used to snort cocaine with their dad 3 to 4 times a week. We would get so drunk while we were doing it. I wanted to die. I was able to leave him finally, and give up the drugs, but I have never been able to stop drinking. I know that I can quit because I did when I was pregnant. I felt great physically. I read all of the time, and did creative projects, but I was also lonely and bored. I really don’t know how to do this. I used to be fit and lovely. Now I just feel tired and bloated and depressed. I have been trying to quit smoking, and everyone tells me that I will be more successful if I quit drinking, too. It’s so frustrating, because I know I can’t “just quit” drinking for awhile. I wish I could imagine a sober life for myself. My partner drinks, too. I’m not sure our relationship is going to make it, which breaks my heart. He had 2 years sober at one point and I know he is worried about our behavior, and our bad influence on one another. What I wouldn’t give to be healthy, and not feel this shame and self-loathing. It’s truly awful.
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The fact that you are reaching out Alysia and looking for help and support is such a good thing. There is a way to do it- the steps are small and slow, but I think it’s great you’re being realistic with yourself and not in denial. There are so many people here that are going through similar things. I just found this blog too because I was desperate to save myself before I threw the rest of my life away. I was binge drinking and blacking out all the time, getting loud in public, embarrassing myself at work functions and wherever free alcohol was provided, and people were losing respect for me. And I was losing respect for me. I was so damn sick of hating myself that much. We are with you, and this is the perfect place to start your journey and build up the stamina to do so. I am on 24 days no alcohol, and this is the longest stretch I have had since I was 14 years old. I’m sick of running, and sick of not being the person I really want to be. I can tell the person you really are is also dying to come out. You can do it! 🙂 don’t give up, keep reading, keep trying, and keep getting back on each time you fall. You’ll begin to stumblw less and less. Thanks for wanting to do this for yourself. Sending you kindness, encouragement and strength 🙂
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Thank you. I am so ready to do this. I didn’t drink that night, but I did again every night since. I will not drink tonight. That is my goal. I have an appointment with my counselor at 7 pm, which should help, since I can’t drink before I go. I have been successfully cutting down my intake in the last week, so I don’t feel as awful as I normally do. My big problem is that I don’t know how to be alone with myself at night. I get very agitated. It’s hard.
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Alysia and Torpedomemories, You exchange here gives me a lump in my throat. Love and peace to you both. Learing to be alone with ourselves is a BIG piece of recovery for a lot of us. I drank to try and “skip over” the quiet moment of self-reflection when my head hit the pillow. Once I quit drinking I put my energy towards facing the guilt and shame that burdened my heart and learning to heal that brokenness inside. It happens, it gets better if you are willing to work on it. Better days ahead. xo
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Thank you Unpicked! Gosh you have been such an inspiration to me 🙂 I am now well past 90 days and learning more and more about the growth and challenges that come with this lifestyle change. I couldn’t have done it this long without repeatedly re-reading your blog posts in my weak moments. You are the best. I hope you’re having a great time on your alcohol free vacay! 🙂
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Hey Alysia, how’s it been going? Thinking of you and hope you’re doing well…
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I have been twice to rehab no luck, Quit by my self three times eight months was as long as I made it. Lost the love of my life to Cirrhosis of the liver and Pancreatitis And watched him daily kill he’s self. Me still drinking. Now I am trying again. Even though I was never jailed no DUI’s no job loss. Missing him is like rock bottom. I know I could not have saved him you have to be willing. But, I couldn’t even help my self. The smartest thing I done was to keep working long hours and lots of days straight. He had plenty of Money and no longer had to work. That killed him. Wish me luck as I know how hard it is.
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I wish you more than luck. I wish you peace and healing. Dig deep and change everything that needs to be moved out of the way – nothing else matters now except staying alive and staying well.
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I am 36 and have been an alcoholic for 15 years. I have been obsessively worrying about my alcoholism for the past several months as I have noticed that I am becoming severely depressed, I have diarrhea 3-4 days a week, heartburn up to my ears and lately the bruising feeling all over my entire body. I hate myself for what I have become. I have a 4 year old little boy that when I look at him I want to cry because he deserves so much more that what I am giving him. How did I get here? My dad was an alcoholic, his mother one too, so while it is genetic it is not an excuse. I want to detox at home by tapering off as I am deeply afraid of withdrawal getting out of hand and I refuse to get professional help as the shame in all of it would kill my family (they have no idea of my disease). This is actually the first time I have ever admitted to anything. I just want to say that I am ready to quit.
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Theresa,
For me going into a detox program was the best thing I’ve done. I had tried on my own in the past and after 2 days the shakes and anxiety pushed me back to the bottle. I would urge you to at the very least consult a Doctor or health care professional if you choose to go it alone. You might be surprised how supportive your friends and family would be if you “came out”.
Good Luck!!!
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Hi there Theresa I total no now you feel until last Saturday my life was just like yours I was going out of my mind hiding it from my family just how much I was drinking .so I attended Alan Carr stop drinking clinic and haven’t touch a drop since your there all day and around people who are total on the same road as yourself it was the best £260 pound I even spent catch it out online all the best x
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Theresa, don’t let your pride get in the way of asking for help. There is no shame in having a diesease. If you had diabetes, wouldn’t you want to consult a doctor and take her advice so that you can get healthy? Alcoholism is a disease too, though there is a social stigma attached to it. Here is one doctor’s opinion: http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_foreworddoctorsopinion.pdf I am new at this too – I haven’t had a drink in over six weeks. For the first time in years, I feel emotionally stable and have sharper mental focus. Physically, after the first 4-5 days, I have had the best sleep in 20+ years and my GI issues are much improved. Good luck with your recovery Theresa… there is a solution and this blog site is a good place to start.
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I feel exactly the way you do and do all the things you do.. And have a 1 yr old son that I look at and I drink the guilt away every day! I feel embarrassed if I cant stop on my own. I hide vodka and drink it in the evenings. Why can’t I love myself enough to stop?
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Hi Theresa, you’ve had some great insights from the comments here and I hope you are taking it to heart. I suspect your loving family cares more about you living than they do about being surprised by your news. Wouldn’t you feel the same way if your son came to you one day and said, “I need help”? Wouldn’t you move heaven and earth to get him well again? I have a friend who says, “Addiction is not our fault, but recovery is our responsibility.” I love that, it’s so true. Detoxing alone is dangerous and difficult – please consult your doctor at the very least. My banner on this page says, “Recovery is Leadership” because I believe that we must not be ashamed to stand up and fix what is wrong. It is a brave, wise, amazing thing to do and you deserve all the goodness it can bring into your life. You are embarking on something that you will one day be very proud of, even if you can’t feel that just yet. There is a hero inside of you, and she is ready to make herself known.
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I’m 28, 5ft 3 petite 104lb female who has never been able to tolerate alcohol. It makes me crazy, and over the top to say how I’m a rather quiet type person when I’m sober. I think I suffer from confidence issues in social situations which lead me to throw drinks down my neck to become the life & soul of the party. My partner of 5 years is an amazing person who i love deeply and I’m extremely lucky that he has stuck around, he tells me this is because he loves me so much, but we have nearly seen the end of our relationship due to my drinking a many times over the years. I don’t want to lose him, and I am sick and tired of alcohol. I look back and I can honestly say that I never really enjoy myself when I’m on it, it is just a waste of money and a waste of the following day due to horrendous hangovers. The final low point I thought came about 2 months ago, when I fought with my own mum on the kitchen floor (she isn’t brilliant on drink either). I said after that I would control it and only drink very low alcoholic drinks, this worked well for a few weeks, I went to my girlfriends houses and actually enjoyed myself more with less alcohol. Last night all my good intentions went out of the window and I got into a drunken state in town bars, today I feel so down and depressed, I have had my partner on the phone ranting on and shouting at me for over an hour. I feel so ashamed and now I realise that I HAVE to quit for good, I can’t and won’t EVER be able to control it because when I have 1 I just want more and more and more. We’re in the process of buying a house together and looking to start a family this year, I have to grow up and be a respectable woman. I am through with alcohol completely and it feels liberating to say it. It is a depressant and a poison that wrecks lives. If I lost my partner my world would literally end. I won’t let alcohol ruin my life. Thank you for all your inspiring stories, and this blog
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Sending you encouragement and strength as you move forward in this new direction. Your world won’t end if you lose your partner, but if you have to choose between love or booze I say choose love and life every time!
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thank you, you are so right 🙂 15 days and counting 🙂 your blog and others like yours are so inspirational thank you 🙂
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I have written on this blog a few times. I don’t leave my name. After 2 months of being sans booze, I feel better. I don’t care who else drinks around me, I mind my own business and don’t judge. This is my struggle and journey. The first few weeks are the hardest but most rewarding. You do feel better. Your mind doesn’t hurt and you can wake up without the guilt or feelings that your worthless and have to apologize to people for what you did or said. All great. I’ve noticed that I do have moments that I want a beer/cocktail but I try to think of why I stopped drinking. It works for me. My friends don’t hassle me about it which is great. Ok, that’s the start. I was driving home the other night from work. I live in the northeast so the roads were icy. I realized that while I’m driving, my mind still checks the roladex for how many beers are in me incase I get into an accident or it think I’ve only had a couple and I can make it home. I haven’t had an ounce of alcohol since November before thanksgiving. Either I drove drunk more times than I care to admit making the habit so ingrained or I’m just still really at the start of this effort to be alcohol free. I have another reminder to say no. I read all the posts that come to my email. I don’t comment but I read them all. It gives me strength knowing I’m not alone and it gives me a chance to feel compassion and caring for the people that are struggling with me. Men, women, young or old, beer wine or moonshine, doesn’t matter to me since I’ve been drunk on all of it. Best wishes to everyone.
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Amen! Thank you for sharing this. I am glad you are following with us and drawing strength. And thank you for sending strength back to all who read your words.
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I am 46 and have had a drinking problem for about 10 years. I never was a big drinker before my gastric bypass surgery 11 years ago. I was good for a while after then just binge drank occasionally. I went back to school and got my Master’s degree in my late 30’s and then I got a divorce. I was the one who wanted it. I started drinking more socially being single and dating. I started partying way too much and the next thing you know, I am drinking a bottle of wine of night. Now a bottle is just teaser. I can do 3 in one night easy. During this escalation, I met and married the love of my life. He knows. We play this game where I hide my empty bottles and he searches my things and throws them away. I have a good job and work from home. I can manage all day and never touch a drop. Once it is quitting time, I am looking for my first glass. I have had some physical issues and between that and drinking, have gained back about 50 pounds of my 150 pound weight loss. I can see the red veins in my cheeks that drinkers get and feel like I have aged 10 years in the last 5. No one really knows how bad it is. I really feel like I am going to drink myself to death. Every day I try to stop and every day I fail. I know I need help. I just keep hoping one day something will just click. I did spend most of 2012 sober and lost a bunch of weight and cared about my health. Stress gets me every time. I do every single one of the actions the author listed above. It is a vicious circle. I drink and am ashamed and then I drink because I am ashamed. I do not feel good from the night before so I drink to feel better. I can go 3 days before I start to lose my grip. I notice my moodiness has gotten bad and I can be a pretty mean drunk. I can also function to the degree that no one even notices. I know I am better than this and I fear my husband will have to watch me die if I do not get a grip. He never says a word but I know what he thinks. He does not drink at all so you think I would find it easier. We go out to dinner and he drinks soda while I pound them back. I am just disgusted with what I have allowed to happen.
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I could have written what you wrote. I am also 46 and started to drink heavily about 15 years ago when my husband became an even worse person. 4 years ago, he went through a mid-life crisis and dumped me. I started partying hard and drinking a lot. I, too, met someone amazing at that time. He drinks, but not like I do. He can take it or leave it. He has never said anything to me, but he knows some of what I don’t hide. We have only fought 5 or 6 times in the 3 1/2 years we have been together. They weren’t even fights just me yelling at him for some slight I made up while drunk. He doesn’t deserve that, he’s so good to me. Fringing because I feel bad, hungover, finishing the last of it so there isn’t an open bottle…done it all. Today is day 15 for me, and I feel better. I’m rooting for you!
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I have heard again and again from women who have become addicted to alcohol following gastric bypass. i don’t know what the statistics are or if it has been studied, but I see an anecdotal correlation. You sound absolutely wrecked by this rollercoaster you are on – you don’t have to live like this. You will feel so much better emotionally and physically once you take alcohol out of the equation and start healing your life. I strongly encourage you to speak to your doctor and ask for help – at least for medical supervision while you detox. That will just get the booze out of your system but it won’t change your behaviour – only you can make that happen and you might need the support of a program to ensure you have the support you need. I am cheering for you!
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still drunk from last night, but wanting to make this day one.
my drinking has gotten way out of control. it has already cost me my marriage (currently in the middle of a divorce) and it prevents me from seeing my son who i love so much.
as part of our current custody agreement i have to use a breathalyzer 3x daily, every day. i frequently skip the test because i’m drinking, and even try to drink just enough between the tests to be clear for the next one, sometimes i just keep drinking and write the day off.
it has to stick this time, i’m committed to making today day 1.
—
DC
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Dylan – you can do this. I’m a week in and it feels some much better. No more hangovers, no more guilt, it is worth it. Put yourself in a position to succeed.
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All the best to you, Dylan – sounds like it is time for a better way. Don’t be afraid to go to meetings or reach out for support. Once you make the shift things can be so much easier and the joy will start to shine in again.
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I’m going thru same thing you did.divorce and lost child. I canstop right
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Thank you for this amazing post. Reading your red flags were like looking at myself in the mirror. I have struggled with alcohol for years and decided to stop today when my husband cried to me last night and said it was him or wine. I have always thought I had it in control, I am not your typical alcoholic i would tell myself. I am 31, have a great job in marketing and a husband who loves me. I would drink at work a and thought it made me better at my job, helped me relax and sleep. I never looked or acted drunk even though I would drink 2-3 bottles of wine a day. I thought it’s just wine but same as you if I did not have enough I would go across the street and buy little bottles of liquor to get me through and it became a never ending issue. It’s only day one and I feel better, but afraid it won’t last. I’m worried if I can’t sleep or have stress at work how I can handle it. Alcohol is everywhere and so much a part of my job and lifestyle living in San Francisco but I am more determined as ever to save my marriage and health as I can tell it’s affecting my throat and stomach, but in one day I already feel better. I just wanted to thank you for your blog, it has really inspired and motivated me!
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There is FANTASTIC recovery community in SF – you would be amazed how many women are just like you that are living without alcohol. Getting hooked on booze seems to be a very common thing for women who work hard and use wine for a quick de-stress…it catches up to us. If you decide to go to a meeting, rest assured you will connect with others like yourself — because you (we) ARE typical. Be gentle with yourself and treat this early recovery time like the precious new life that it is. You are 100% worth anything it takes to turn this around.
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I have “surfed” many sites and finally found this one. Lauren, I own a bistro. So easy to drink….over drink daily. My goal is to not be a daily drinker.
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After almost 2 months of not drinking a drop of alcohol, I find my mind trying to convince me that I can have just a couple. I have resisted this urge and know that I can not start drinking again. My mind is more clear but work and depression still take some effort to deal with. I don’t wake up feeling like I need to apologize to anyone for “whatever I did or said last night.”
It isn’t easy and the reasons are my own. It turns out that I’m lucky to have the friends I have. I can still hang out and be involved. It goes without saying that I’m not to drink at events. Several of my buddies ask me how I’m doing and support my effort to stop.
I sincerely wish that all of you are blessed with support like I have. Best wishes
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Sounds like we have the same friends. Early on in my recovery I kept hearing the phrase; You have to change People, Places, and Things.(among about a million other clichés) Finally got into it with the Rehab counselor when he suggested for about the 5th time that I would probably have to end a lot of my friendships. KMA I just got a call tonight from one of my oldest (50 yrs) friend asking how I was doing. Can’t tell you how many bars we closed, seriously, I can’t remember! 🙂 As soon as he found out he was on my doorstep asking how he could help. All my friends have acted the same way.
Sounds like you already have a support group, Good Luck!
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Day six today and I’m great.
I’ve told my husband, my kids and my best friend. I was a bit disappointed with my girls reaction, but then again I deserved it after what I have done.
Still keep feeling better. Vic (husband) and I had a great weekend together doing things around the house and laughing. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive husband.
I still have a mild pain under my right ribcage that concerns me. I’ll give it some more sober time and see if it gets better, if not, I’ll go see the doctor.
Positives: I am up and sober when my 16 year comes home – much to her dismay. Clearly she was taking advantage of my drunkenness and probably not coming home when she was supposed to. Waking up in the morning is a whole new experience. No headache, no upset stomach, no worry about what I did that I don’t remember…it is truly wonderful. I sleep so much better. Granted, I have taken one melatonin before bed, but I think I’ll be able to eliminate this soon. But one of the best positives is that I have so many things I WANT to do. I want to clean out the junk drawers, take all the stuff we don’t use to Goodwill, redecorate the family room – we desperately need new furniture and it is a really nice room. And clean – I want to clean everything! Sort of a symbol of myself – I want to be clean and sober. Vic and I striped and sealed the grout in our kitchen yesterday. Good thing I have an OCD husband that goes right along with my new hobby.
My battle is not wanting a drink. My battle is emotional. I am embarrassed. I am angry with myself. I am so incredibly sorry for what I have done – especially to my girls. (I didn’t do anything but get drunk every night, but think about two young ladies and not being able to depend on their mother. And then when I was pissed – usually at myself, I yelled at them – wow, real nice.) I wish I could go back and erase it all. So much so, I’m surprised I haven’t googled “Time travel.” But I know I can’t. I fight to remind myself that I am sober now and I cannot change the past. I know that over the next years I will be able to be trusted with future grandchildren overnight (smile) and THIS makes their anger and hatred towards me now tolerable because the future is going to be so much better.
If you are struggling to start or stay sober, find someone who will be there for you 24/7. Utilize the people on this blog (me!) The grass is truly greener on this side and although you will encounter other devils at the different levels of sobriety, they are all well worth it. Bottles and boxes of wine were my shield from the world. Truth is, the world isn’t all that bad once you understand who you are and what you really want from your life.
Christine
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Thank you for this beautiful post, Christine. Keep being gentle with yourself. You are doing a wonderful thing for your daughters – they may not thank you for it right away but you are being a wonderful role model and that will in time overshadow some of the mistakes you made while drinking. All the best and please keep posting your experiences and insights.
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I am also on day 6 today. Just made it thru my first Friday night!! Feel good this am. That’s a change. Any advice? This is the longest I’ve gone but super proud today let me tell you!!.
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Congratulations Sam! Advise? One day at a time. One situation at a time. Last night my 16 year old daughter was full of drama and it stressed me out. I dealt with her the best I could, took a long bath and went to bed. It was about 830pm on a Friday night, but it was what I needed to do to get through it.
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I’m a 38 year old female and can totally relate to every single one of your points. I drink at least one bottle of wine every night plus a few shots of any hard alcohol that is in the cabinet. I have not taken an alcohol free day in at least 3 years. I drink until I pass out and normally cannot remember the night before or going to bed. The worst part is I am going to school to be a holistic nutritionist. I have this hidden secret with all my classmates. Other than this I lead a normal healthy life except that it is affecting my relationship with my hubby. I am ashamed to admit I have a problem to him although he totally knows it. Does anyone have advice on how to admit it and tell your other half you want to quit?
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Guilty – just sit down and talk with him. You will cry and cry and if your husband really loves you, he will support you. If not, if you have a good friend, family member to help. You always have us.
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One challenge that many people have (myself included) is that we hid our drinking so well that no one believed us when we tried to ask for help. If you experience this, I encourage you to reach out to someone who is in recovery themselves – generally this is where you will connect with someone who understands that if YOU think something is wrong, then something is wrong. People who don’t understand the experience of being addicted to alcohol will often say, “Just cut back! I’ll do it with you!” and think they are supporting you. It is not their fault – they simply don’t know better. If I may say so, you are drinking a dangerous amount and you should consider making a doctor’s appointment to discuss how to safely get off of alcohol. I know this is scary, but it is even scarier to continue drinking as you are. Don’t let that shame stop you – you should be proud of asking for help and reaching out to fix this. You are strong and brave, and you can do this. We are all right here cheering for you.
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How do I start I can relate to all of your comments
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Great question — how to start? It’s simple (don’t drink) but it is not easy. Do a bit of searching about safe alcohol withdrawal (here is a start http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/alcohol-withdrawal-symptoms-treatments) because depending on your intake you may need some medical supervision. If you know someone who is in a recovery program, you can ask them out for coffee and tell them you are considering recovery. Be honest. Ask for help. Having some connections for accountability will be a huge bonus. What is your situation? Do you live alone or have a partner and/or family? It has been a few days since you posted this – what has been happening since? Cheering for you – you have come to and important realization!
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Hi , I’m a 37 year old man with a successful career, I drink every night after work , I’ve recently started buying 3 bottle boxes rather than glass bottles because I didn’t want my wife to see how much I’m drinking . I keep saying ever morning that I’m going to stop , and every night im drinking again . Both my parents are dead from alchol related illnesses and I want more than anything to stop , I’ve been looking for help and this website is a huge inspiration, I hope I can do it !!
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Hi James – I too know the box-o-wine trick 😉 I’m a 43 year old man, and I was a daily/nightly drinker from about age 18 up to a couple of years ago. The first time I got 30 days of sobriety under my belt was amazing… I had quite literally not had more than a couple of days of not drinking in a row for 20+ years, so this was quite an acheivement. Hell, I was so messed up, I really never even considered the thought that I might be an alcoholic. I mean I knew I drank more than your average fish, but I never really had any problems in my life- had a good family life/friends, earned a couple graduate degrees, and was successful in my career… How could I possibly be an alcoholic I thought? Well the past two and half years have changed my mind — I most definitely am an alcoholic and an addict. The past couple years have been a struggle for me – been on and off the wagon 6 or 7 times… but when I am sober and my brain is functioning correctly, I feel pretty darn good. For me personally, I know that I cannot do this alone (which is very difficult for me to admit because I am an independent person) – I need the support of other alcoholics and addicts… and for that AA has been extremely useful for me. A little over a month ago, I picked up (another) white chip, and I haven’t had a drink since then… today I decided to let go of another vice (weed) that was keeping me from being sober and happy… I found that I was substituting it for alcohol (abusing it) and was just as bat-shit crazy. I wish you the best of luck in your sobriety.
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Hmm. I’m chosing this comment to reply on forgive me but it strikes me in my own recovery that we all have anger in common. We mind what we say and suck it up so to speak in our lives and then when we are drunk we lose our cool with those closest to us. And then they get the brunt of anger that was not necessarily directed at them. Maybe we should say no more when we are sober?
Think about it. If you feel you aren’t getting what you need and being bullied by a boss or co worker, or even your parents, regardless of your age, or your kids or spouse – you may be on the backfoot because you think you are a faker a drinker, an addict etc. So you don’t give yourself the benefit of the doubt, you can’t recall exactly what went down, you have no credibility in their or your mind and the elephant in the room becomes a vicious circle because you think you can handle that crap better drunk or on that high, that i like to call Satans foreplay.
Good news… Its not like that. Talk yourself down. Everytime. Deep breaths. Big ass glass of juice, look in your kids eyes or the mirror. Imagine THAT scene ten years from now when its too late. Its actually easier than you think. Master recognizing your triggers. Have a plan. Google celebtrities that dong drink, and why. They can for good reason. Become superior. Float in that. Yes you are there in the wine aisle but chose not to. Imagine and write down what goes down after you visit the wine aisle its not pretty and its illogical and it goes against why we are here which is to survive and be happy.
Listen if i can do it seriously you can. I’m worth it. This life is worth it.
Love snd best wishes always
Ricky
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Oh the wine in a box! I seriously wonder if this was just invented for us rather than those who save it for (whatever amount of time it supposibly saves it for!)
Not that I have this grand experience of being sober – I’m on day 3 – BUT, suddenly knowing that there are many of us, and many of us quitting and getting out this toxic behavior, I have done this. I am sober and staying this way.
James I cannot wait for you to feel better! OMG it feels so good. And the lack of guilt? Even better feeling.
You can do this! We are all cheering you on,
And if you slip – we will cheer you back to your feet.
Christine
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Ah yes. The box. I would buy two and hide one, so that no one knew how much was in the box, and no one realized when i drained one and started another. This is a pretty good sign that you are in deep. Daily drinking, hiding booze (by virtue of the box), and trying to stop without success. Red flags, my friend. You will feel so much better when you eliminate this from your life and start working out some positive changes. Keep me posted!
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Hi everyone,
I came across this site whilst searching on the net for help with my alcohol problem.
Its 11:45am Friday here in Australia, I’m sitting on my bed trying to get myself together. I drank two bottles of wine last night, now the onset of sadness is setting in…it happens every time.
I have struggled with alcohol since I was a teenager.I binged in my teens, 20s, 30s and now 40s!
I have been able to control my binges in the past by giving up for weeks, months even 5 years in my 30s, but now I’m struggling big time!. About 18months ago I went through a difficult time in my life and I turned to alcohol. It started off with one bottle once a week, the before I knew it I was drinking 2 to 3 nights a week. Now I’m drinking 2 bottles every second night and most times blackout. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I’m finding it very difficult to cope with everyday tasks. I haven’t worked for 12 months which hasn’t helped. Once upon a time i was motivated to keep fit, wake up early, eat well and run a household smoothly, now i can hardly function. After a binge I wake up and throw the wine bottles in the bin and hide the wine glass in the cupboard because I can’t stand to look at them. I then promise myself as of today I will never drink again, then day 2 or 3 comes around and i find myself walking into the bottle shop, but I only ever buy 1 bottle as I tell myself I will only need 1…yeah right! Once I drink that I’m back down there for number 2, feeling then very ashamed of myself.
I so badly want to stop drinking. I know it’s destroying me and my family. I know if I don’t stop my husband will eventually leave me and I don’t blame him. I can be a mean drunk and he always copes it. I cry and apologie to him every time and promise not to do it ever againn but i do! I am so sick of waking up with bruises, grazes and not remembering how I got into bed!
I can relate to so many people here and I’m thankful that I’m not alone. I just want my life back:( I don’t want to go to AA because I feel it won’t help. I remember in my 30s going to AA for children of alcoholics and found it very depressing so I stopped going after 9months.
How can I start to get back on track again…any suggestion to what anyone has tried that keeps then away from the liquor cupboard????
And does anyone have a partner that’s drinks? I know how hard it’s going to be to watch him drink. How do you cope with that?
AS OF TODAY FRIDAY THE 16th OF JANUARY I DECLARE I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BECOME CLEAN AND SOBBER!
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Hello Im in australia too and I am finding HSM (Hello Sunday Morning) incredibly helpful as I change my relationship with alcohol https://www.hellosundaymorning.org/ . All the best with this big exciting change in your life.
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Anonymous: You said you gave up drinking for 5 years at one point. What caused you to relapse? I gave up drinking 6 months ago and feel great, but I want to do everything I can to avoid relapsing, so do you have any advice? Thanks.
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I very much relate to your story, although i am a beer dinker but will go with wine if its there. I would drink on weekends and started buying a few extra singles so i could drink those privately then appear to have aXnormalX 2 or 3 beers openly. I am currently able to moderate but with very careful criteria. I do not buy any alcohol. If i go out to dinner i allow myself 1 beer. I only drink openly and not by myself. Im not out of the woods and not fooling myself . The desire is still there, especially when i am feeling overwhelmed or emotionally distressed wgich is often lately. Open bottles of wine or booze are not an option. I cant trust that i will stop at 1 drink, its way too easy to go back for a little nore. If we have a bottle at home that is open i ask my housemate to hide it or toss it. While this is manageable right now, i know i have to work on the issues that fuel the urge to drink. And i plan to move toward complete sobriety because i can feel the rebound anxiety from even moderate drinking. Plus whatever other damage is being inflicted on my physical body. Being open about what im doing helps. Having good alternate beverages helps. I need more people to talk to about this because that helps. Through the unpickled blog i’ve learned that i really do have anxiety and not just “stress”. My mind does not shut up. So i’m working to avoi d secrecy, enlist more support and go back to my therapist to address the anxiety. If you can ask your husband for help you may feel much better and supported. And i dont mean to ask him to be the booze police, but simple things like not buying wine to bring home, or keep it out of sight or whatever will help you. You of course have to take the first step. Always have an alternate on hand for when your hubby has adrink. I like calistoga plus grapefgruit or lemon calistoga. In a nice glass! You can do this and so can i. So many helpful posts here _glad to find this site!
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How are you doing today? Quitting can be very difficult at first – be gentle with yourself and don’t give up. There are links to difference programs at the sidebar – if you are looking for support or reference materials there are tons of options and other programs. It does not matter what road you take, as long as you start moving away from where you are at and towards a better life. Eventually you will be strong enough to start examining “why” you needed to numb out, but for now just focus on self care and abstinence. Discuss your needs with your partner – many people in recovery live with “normal” drinkers and find a system that works for them. Speak your truth, state your needs, be honest, vulnerable and brave. Hang in there! It gets much better with time.
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Wow. I honestly read this and thought I must of written this post while I was drunk. It is me all over!! I was drinking every 2nd night and binging. If my partner had a glass of my wine, well thats not on and I would go back to the bottle shop( different one) and buy more. I would never remember getting to bed. On christmas eve I had a bottle of wine, wrapped presents and went to a friends house??? Her hubbie gave me a lift home ( not that I remember!) and I proceded to drink all of the alcohol in my house. Woke partner and kids up. I was still.passed out christmas morning. Kids were so upset. The worst part was I did it again a few nights later. 3 bottles of wine. I stayed up till 5 am. Kids said I was talking to my self!!
They will not let me drink again and I finally stopped ( forever??) 8,days ago. I have already changed my life. I went to a recovery group but they wanted $10,000-$30, 000. No way! I have walked and done some sort of class each night last week and am starting up my own womens support group on anything that effects us women. I feel better already, clearer, happier. We can all do this for us, our kids and whoever else we love.
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Wow. I just clicked this link and I went from feeling like the only one to realizing I have a VERY common problem. My red flags are exactly the same. I am a very boring drinker as well. You will read from me starting today and I’ll let you know how I do this. I cannot wait to feel better. To not worry about this. To wonder “who knows?” Has anyone else thought to themselves, “Why am I so concerned about what it will be like not to drink?” Seriously, isn’t it so rediculous.
My plan is simple:
1. One night at a time.
2. Keep busy – I love to knit and to do home imporvement.
3. If I feel weak, to talk with someone to get through it.
I went to Adult Children of aloholics meetings a long time ago and instead of supporting I found it depressing. So, I am electing not to go the AA route, I will however, utilize my doctor – who I have lied to for years about my drinking. It was refreshing reading about some of you that went to your doctor and you didn’t regret it.
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Good for you! Sounds like you have a great plan.
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Thanks Susan! First day went fine. I already feel much better. I cannot wait to feel even better.
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Glad to hear you’re doing well. I lied to my Doctor as well, even went to one physical drunk. Avoided taking the blood tests since I knew my liver enzymes were high. After my stretch in detox I had a follow up with her, she’s my biggest supporter now.
Good luck going it on your own. I feel the same about AA after 8 months. I have a great support team with my family and friends, I am so lucky. I have a deal with a lifelong friend, if I ever feel like drinking, I call him up and he says: Don’t drink. Saves me from going to a meeting. 🙂
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Am quitting alcohol am so encouraged n determined
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Good luck, George! Wishing you the best!
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Well I am on day four and staying sober was fine, it was the drama from my daughters that wasn’t. I realize I have cause considerable damage over the years while sitting and drinking wine every evening, but I did think they’d be happy I had stopped. On the other hand, my husband is VERY supportive. I am grateful.
Christine
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I just hit the 8 month mark of not drinking, however, I did not go to an AA meeting to pick up my chip. I have grown disillusioned with that organization. Between the Christmas holidays and a 10 day vacation in Florida I went for 3 weeks without attending a meeting. Too many times I would be in a great mood only to go to a meeting and walk away depressed. At a couple meetings I watched two people drunk and in tears asking for help only to be told We can’t help you now, come back when you’re sober. Another guy extolling the virtues of AA stating that he has 4 DUIs and 6 rehabs but the program is working. For whom? Just Sunday a woman told another woman that she could tell by looking in her eyes that she was weak and ready to start drinking again. All these so-called experts dispensing advice. If it works for some people, have at it. But instead of meetings I go to the gym. Not drinking sure frees up a lot of time!
The best thing that happened to me was detox for 6 days. I walked out of there with a clear head for the first time in years. Have not had an urge to drink since then. To those of you that quit totally on your own, you have my respect. I tried a few times and the shakes and anxiety drove me back to the bottle. I was lucky, I have a great wife that drove me to the hospital and I came out a different man.
Good luck to all!
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I’m a beer drinker. On average I consume a 6 pack or more after work. Trying to quit for the new year. The hardest part so far is the drive home. All day I say I won’t stop for beer, but around 530 I say oh well and have gotten beer every day. This stops today! Everyone’s stories are eerily similar to mine, and I find strength in our comradery. Thanks
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Wow, man this really resonated with me. I have the exact sam problem. I’m 11 days sober now. After about a week or so that voice telling you to drink after 5 gets quieter and quieter. Good luck man.
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How are you doing, Dave? Give us an update and tell us what you’ve learned so far.
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Hello, As many have said in the comments, you have addressed my behaviour to a tee. Like you my drink of choice was wine and I have to admit my drinking had escalated to at least 2 bottles of wine a night. Like you, I was a boring drinker and had developed strategies to hide my shame – all similar to yours. I especially appreciated that sense of panic that there wouldn’t be enough wine on hand and that drinking became an event or a reward for getting through a tough day. Fortunately, I haven’t had to hit rock bottom. I had a fun New Year’s Eve, enjoyed wine with my dinner and afterwards, then that was it. After years of daily drinking I decided to stop – for now. My withdrawal symptoms have been surprisingly mild and I feel so much better. I am sleeping better; I don’t have acid indigestion; my morning mouth is a lot less sour and my head is clearer. I am substituting water with lemon and herbal tea at night in order to assist my body in the process of detoxing. I have shared my intention to go dry for at least the month of January with both my partner and one other friend. I have told them I feel shame so my sharing is a one way street and they are respecting that I don’t want then to comment or give advise but just to listen. I have also taken this journey prayerfully to God and I have a very real sense of His willingness to help me. thank you for this opportunity to share.
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Thank you for sharing your story! All the best as you continue.
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Hello there. Your red flags are exactly the same as mine. My drink of choice is beer and never could have enough of it on hand. I would come home from work and immediately pop open a beer thinking it was harmless, but it wasn’t. My 7 year old daughter started commenting on how I always seemed to have a beer in my hand. That was a complete wake up call. I was a very functional drinker (alcoholic). Early to everything and doing very well at work. I never neglected my family and we are very close. That being said I don’t think we were close enough and it was time for me to start my transition to a normal life without drinking. Today is day 7 and probably is the clearest my mind has been in 10 years. I know I am still a long way off but I am determined to keep it going. Sleep has been my problem but I know it will come in time. I really haven’t experience any of the major withdrawal symptoms with the exception of lack of sleep. One thing I had going for me before quitting was my exercise. I have always been into hiking and walking on a daily basis. Now those hikes and walks have so much more meaning. Thank you for your blog and I will be lurking around.
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Hi Tim, glad you’re here and bravo for seven glorious sober days!
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Well, a few days after posting this I fell off the wagon again but I am once trying to quit. This is day 3. I need to overcome my weak moments.
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Don’t give up! Those weak moments give evidence to the power of the addiction and show you that it is even more important to persevere!
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Going strong on day 5. I am tired today but that is ok. Thank you for the encouragement!
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Day 6 and I am tired. Sleeping is my biggest problem but it will soon come. I actually made it through a happy hour last night for a colleague that was leaving. I only stayed for about 20 minutes so I could get away from the beer. The weather is supposed to be nice so I will get out and go on a hike. Good luck everyone! Stay strong!
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Reblogged this on recoveryserendipity.
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Hello there. Your red flags are exactly the same as mine. My drink of choice is beer and never could have enough of it on hand. I would come home from work and immediately pop open a beer thinking it was harmless, but it wasn’t. My 7 year old daughter started commenting on how I always seemed to have a beer in my hand. That was a complete wake up call. I was a very functional drinker (alcoholic). Early to everything and doing very well at work. I never neglected my family and we are very close. That being said I don’t think we were close enough and it was time for me to start my transition to a normal life without drinking. Today is day 7 and probably is the clearest my mind has been in 10 years. I know I am still a long way off but I am determined to keep it going. Sleep has been my problem but I know it will come in time. I really haven’t experience any of the major withdrawal symptoms with the exception of lack of sleep. One thing I had going for me before quitting was my exercise. I have always been into hiking and walking on a daily basis. Now those hikes and walks have so much more meaning. Thank you for your blog and I will be lurking around.
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Hello: I’m an alcoholic and I’ve just passed 48 hours with-out a drink…I can’t tell you how many months since I’ve been able to say that. I went into work today not hung over or drunk; but I know I’m tainted, that everyone knows I ‘have a problem’. It was weird walking around with a relatively clear head, and for the second day in a row, instead of hitting the beer store, and then hiding behind Bulk Barn for a quick one, I went to McDonalds and had a hot chocolate to go. I need to go to AA and I will tomorrow night.
I’m tired of the negative emotions, the hang-overs, wasted week-ends, Heavens knows how much I spend a week; How much have I spent last year. Obviously why I have no money, am in debt and don’t have a social life. Not even when drinking did I have one; I drank alone, you understand.
I’ve tried to quit before a few years ago. Why I din’t follow through I don’t know. I’m certainly not in any better shape, quite the opposite. I’ve lost good employment opportunities, relationship opportunities, my drivers licence. Pretty much all my friends,
I’m employed now and I like my job. The plant manager called me into the office a few months ago and said people can smell alcohol on my breathe. They just fired someone who went to rehab, got clean and then got back into the old lifestyle…I don’t want to be next…but that’s not the only reason I’m quitting either.
A little voice inside my head says that ‘you don’t have anything more to lose, so you might as well keep drinking’ I lost Darlene 18 years ago because of my behaviour and drinking, and I haven’t dated since. I broke my collarbone while drunk and can only sleep on one side now. I fell off my bicycle while riding home because I was too drunk to drive; too drunk to call a taxi as well,. obviously. I din’t realize there were that many bones in the human head that can be broken! Kills tooth roots as well. I’ve had my house for 14 years, and after the first month, haven’t slapped a coat of paint on any wall since.
Perhaps that’s why I decided to quit this time; I’m afraid of what else I might lose. (might?…more like WILL!) And I’m serious this time. I want to be a better person. Today was difficult, tomorrow will be more so, and I don’t even want to think about Saturday, because that’s when I wake up and reach for a beer. So I’m NOT going to think about it. I’m just concentrating on this minute, this hour, this night, And when I wake up I;’m just going to think about each hour ahead of me.
Wish me luck…I’m going to need it.
Paul.
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Paul, I feel your pain. Beer was my drug of choice too. I didn’t do much to my house either, I was too busy drinking; even though I drank at home. When I quit, I started painting my house. It may sound strange but it really gave me focus. After eight months, the place looks great now and I’ve put it on the market to sell. I have changed a lot and I am really looking forward to changing locations as well. By the way, after three days I went to my doctor and starting taking acamprostate. I think it helped me not to relapse. Keep up the good work, it will all be worth it. Let us know how it goes at AA. I never tried that route but everyone’s journey is different. Best of luck.
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Hi Paul, did you make it to that AA meeting tonight? I am cheering for you – you sound really burdened and the weight of your addiction is dragging you down. Life is so much better without the anchor or booze! Guess what? When you start taking your life back, painting your house is actually FUN! Going to work and accomplishing something feels GOOD. Waking up on a Saturday and going for a walk to a coffee shop is much more appealing than a beer. Better days ahead, my friend!
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You described my behaviors precisely. It’s shocking that in a world with such diversity, I randomly select a page on a night of binge drinking, and contemplation that reflects my personal struggles, and makes me feel a little less alone. I wish I knew you. Thank you.
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It all started with a photo where the same drunk, puffy and overweight cheeks of a friend of mine were looking back at me, only this time, it was me in the picture. And this friend is no longer functional. He threw the towel in, quit treatment and will probably only live a couple more years. My gateway from being a guy who drank a 12 pack on the weekend to a guy who now drinks a handle of vodka and 1-2 cases a week, was Red Bull Vodka. And I jam it into 5-6 days since taking a day or 2 off every week gave me the false impression that I wasn’t that bad. There’s always someone worse. “Hey, I’m not drinking during the day at work, so it can’t be that bad.” A very functional businessman and father who never is late for anything in my life or misses any commitment. But during that commitment or little league game, it’s a fuzzy experience from the night before. And most days, doing so without need for so much as an advil, which is a scary thing. Watching the pounds pour on, having a doctor mention early onset fatty liver. It’s a low moment over here, because my story isn’t very different than many of yours. It was last year when he mentioned the fatty liver, and it hasn’t slowed me. Tried quitting hard alcohol and got to the point where if there’s no RB vodka and just beer, it wasn’t worth drinking to me. I’d crossed that line. I just need to find a way to get past those triggers. That ball game with a buddy and an NFL Sunday or day on the lake dry. And of course explaining to loved ones why I’m not having a beer. When you’re surrounded by fellow functional alcoholics, they all think it’s a big waste of time and that there’s not reason to quit. Wish me luck.
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You sound like all of us, you are not alone. Good luck!
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I, like you, do not have one huge incident that has made me quit, but looking back at the past 14 years (that’s how long I’ve been drinking) I can say that at least 85% of the bad things that have happened in my life have hadsomething to with me or someone very close boozing. I’ve known for awhile that I have a toxic relationship with alcohol, but always told myself that since I didn’t always drink everyday, rarely alone, and because I look pretty good on paper, that it must not be a real problem. I’ve tried to moderate and have quit for awhile to prove to myself that I could, but I can’t always moderate and I don’t know when I wont be able to. There have been far too many nights that I have drank to blackout and spent the next day puking up bile. I’m so lucky that nothing really bad has happened considering the situations I have put myself in. I’m worried about what my alcohol abuse has done to my body and I am sick of feeling ashamed and anxious. I quit for good 6 days ago, I didn’t plan on it being a New Years thing, but it just kind of worked out that way. Good luck to all of you who have decided to put down the bottle once and for all.
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I decided to stop drinking today.it is too much on me.I can barely get my day started.its not worth it
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i have too but i feel sick real sick! i lied and said i have food posing i dont know how to fell better but i am done!! any advice?
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I am an alcoholic. And I hate it. I’m out of control and dream of quitting. Yet every day I’m chugging vodka like water. I planned for nearly 2 months that today would be the day I qquit. But there is a bit of vodka left in the freezer. I should dump it out and commit to quitting but I’m scared. What if I don’t enjoy sobriety? What if I fail? But I hate worrying about answering the phone at night, for fear someone will hear me slurring. My spouse is just like me. And I fear we will continue to support each others drunkenness rather than supporting each others sobriety. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I know the risks. Et I just want to drink. I haven’t went a day without drinking in months. I also contemplate suicide often, but my kids are young and they need me. I hate this. Writing this makes me cry. And that makes me want to drink. Vicious cycle. Vicious.
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You are not alone… Believe me
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My friend hang in there. All is not lost. You can beat this. I want you to know that you are not alone. I will pray for you tonight. Your spouse and kids need you hang in there.
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We’re in the same boat, you and I; I’ve just one 24 hours with-out a drink, the hang-over from last night is finally gone, and I’m meeting someone I just spoke to on the phone from AA. Please God; I want to stop, but there’s a beer store between the factory and the bus stop…I don’t even have enough energy to cry any more.
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I have read most of the posts here today, and all of it sounds so very familiar!! I drink beer every day, but good beer, which is typically higher in alcohol content, and lately (as in the last 2 YEARs or so) it’s at least 6, but not uncommon for me to drink 8 or 10 in an evening, EVERY evening, sometimes supplementing with wine or hard alcohol if it’s there- if it is, it’s because I bought it… My live -in boyfriend doesn’t drink except on occasion. I’m a small woman, and 6 blue moons or similar would put a “normal” girl on the floor, but not me! I work as a landscaper/ gardener in new England and a cold beer (or a few)at the end of the day has always seemed a great and acceptable reward for all of my hard work. I show up for work every day, I get my work done, I’m great at my job, and I’m honestly the most efficient and hardworking person I know in this business!
However, every morning I wake up exhausted, shameful, confused, trying to remember what happened the night before- did I cook dinner? did I eat? did I see Billy (my SO)? are the ferrets in their cages? why do i do this? I’m not going to drink tonight… Or, maybe I should just jump off a bridge!! But on my way home, I find myself stopping at the liquor store, strategizing because I can’t go to the same one I went to yesterday, although No matter which one I choose of the 5 or 6 I frequent, they all seem to know me! . I feel all of the embarrassment and shame others spoke of- bottles in my recycling bin, not being able to participate in last minute dinners because I’m already too drunk to drive (and not even wanting to, rather drink at home alone)
I know things need to change because contemplating suicide every morning is not normal. I have been getting drunk every night for far too long, I have no memories! and it’s starting to take a toll on my body. I worry about how to deal with this, as all social events in my life seem to revolve around alcohol. I’m not sure I remember ever having fun without alcohol being involved, I started drinking at a very young age and alcoholism definitely runs in my family.
I have many more tales to tell, it gets worse, but I really do want to make a change in the new year! I don’t have health insurance, and I fear that quitting cold turkey after so many years of abuse I may need medical intervention at some point! I also know that there are underlying isuues and things like depression to deal with. I’m both scared to make the leap, and to make the leap of asking for help from my SO.
My thought was that I could have him (I’m unemployed in winter) take my debit cards with him to work so I can’t go out and buy alcohol, maybe even my car keys, and maybe just bring me one beer for the first day or two so I don’t die?????
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Hi there, I couldn’t of said it better, I just want you to know you’re not alone, There’s someone right here in Albany, New York going through the same things and thoughts…I think the best thing and most powerful we can do at the moment is just want to change….I’ll keep you posted…Have a great day and I’m rooting for us! -J
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Just want to thank you for sharing. I too am struggling you are definitely not alone.I wish you well.
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My dad was a dedicated to working long 12 hour days and supporting his family. He woke at 5:30 each morning and was asleep at 8 p.m. each evening AFTER drinking a 6 pack. I am the same hard worker. But a female. I drink a 6 pack after long days and it does not give me buzz any more. It makes me very argumentative. I did not drink alcohol from age 23-33. Then I started and kept going hard since we moved to a new state. I am a very good athletic runner and lately my performance has dropped to the bottom of the barrel. Running has saved me from being “out of control” with drinking. I want to return to excellent running performance so badly that I decided 2015 is my year.
I could always stop drinking for 3 days but then drink on the 4th day and that sets me off for a while. NOT anymore! I stopped DEC. 26, 2014. I will WIN! 2015 is my year!
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So nice to find a place with current comments.
I had been planing my Holiday drinking…figured I would need a 2 gallon box to get me through Christmas day and Boxing Day. Then I realized that I really didn’t want to stay drunk for 4 days straight(again), so I decided not to drink.
I am 8 days sober today and not really feeling like drinking…not to mention that I am probably $100 richer that I would be if I had been drinking the last 8 days.
Not sure how long I will go, but it sure feels good today.
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You’re doing great jo….I hoping myself to be to that point soon myself…. Peace from New York -J
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Congrats on your breakthrough! That’s awesome. I have been wanting to quit my two bottles of wine a day habit for quite sometime, but I feel more ready today than ever before. Hence, finding this site and all of the posts that I have read so far, gives me hope that I can do it to.
You mentioned the money…it is staggering to think how much I have spent over the last 5 years, since a divorce, on wine. It is no wonder that I have significant credit card debt, and owe the IRS as much as I do and now worry about monthly bills, something I have never had to do before.
I really am tired of waking up in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning, and lying in bed ruminating for hours about the issues I have due to alcohol; i.e. debt, loss of job production (I am self-employed), isolation, lack of self-esteem and the inability to pursue a relationship due to it, and let’s not forget the the15 pounds I have gained because of drinking.
I have two bottles of wine in the house today and I am choosing to drink both and start my recovery tomorrow.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, as I try to make this very difficult and much needed change.
My brother is just over 3 years sober and is a wonderful support, so I am going to call him right now and let him know my plan. He is the only person, in my close circle, that I feel comfortable sharing with in regards to this, but I know it is important to have someone close to help support and be accountable to.
I can’t wait to be a week sober and feel clear headed like so many of you talk about. What a blessing that would be and a true answer to my prayers. It would be a true “miracle”.
Thank you, to all that are on this blog for your sharing. I feel very blessed to have found you and l look forward to sharing my successes, as well as struggles, and if need be my failures.
Here’s to a healthier and happier 2015!
Gail
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Yeah I already feel the hot and cold. I sweat for no reason at all during the day. I figure it’s the alcohol
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Awesome blog! Thought I’d chime in as I know this type of communication helped me a ton and I remember countless Holiday benders. I owned my own small biz, booze was at first a celebratory part of weekends, then a coping mechanism (I was good at my biz, but a poor manager, so lots of stress). Then acceptable at lunch, then I discovered “hair of the dog”…still was “functioning”…or so I thought. My girlfriends were always alcoholics, I bought cases of beer instead of a 6 pack…then it started to get hard to operate my biz…and I started to experience withdrawals in the morning. Panic attacks, shaky hands, anxiety, horrible sleep, bad mood. That is “non functioning”, regardless if what gets accomplished. So I called my doc and told him what was going on and said I needed an immediate appointment. I was so embarrassed…turned out it’s very common and was no big deal for him. I went in, he checked vitals, gave me a diazapam to stop the anxiety and trembles. After 3 hours, I felt good enough to head home (my pulse was 130 when I went in, so that had to come down). I got a prescription for diazapam for 4 days worth to fend off any other withdrawals and get some good sleep. Worked awesome. Spent two weeks with my dad and took that time away from work. Lots of runs, lots of reading. After two weeks, was time to work on my root problem- I didn’t like my biz, so I made a 3 month exit plan to sell it. Sold it (was way easier to do than I ever thought). I felt “unstuck”. That was a little under a year ago. No urge to drink a drop. Best health in a decade, clear headed. So just encouragement:)
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Anthony thank you for that story! Hits so close to home with me. I have my own business also and the stress at times is bad and causes me to drink more as well. I really do need help, waking up in the middle of the night shaky and heart racing, so I feel like I have to drink to calm down, it’s not how I want to live. I’m embarrassed of myself what I’ve become, not sure where to go from here. But I have two sons and need to make a change somehow. I appreciate any advice or encouragement.
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Today is my day 1. Wish me luck and prayers please.
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Hi again Graphix, monitor your pulse. If it gets over 120, or you jus, you need to go to a doc. No shame in it all, you’ll feel much better a few hours later. Keep me updated, wishing the best!
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Hi Graphix. First and foremost, you’re already headed in the right direction by recognizing it doesn’t work for you anymore. There were times when I would have a 7 o’clock meeting and I’d have to slam a few beers at 6, add baily’s to my coffee and soak on mouthwash in the truck on the way…so trust me, you’re not alone. First, you need to see a doctor. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed, they deal with alcohol related issues more than anything else. Be very honest about how much you drink (I could drink 30 coors lights and be buzzed, and he’d heard a lot worse than that). Doc will check out your internals and give you a bill of health to start with. From there, depends on your withdrawals. I made a plan to go see him at 6am..and I packed a beer in the truck just in case. I needed a diazapan drip. It’s mild, and it’s knocks out the horrible anxiety, palpating heart and trembles. It also will make you very groggy (partner comes in here). You will need a partner (a son, a friend, person from aa…), I’m happy to help you find someone. The doc from there will most likely release you with some meds (you must request the bare minimum as benzos are addictive just like booze and you don’t want that in the house after you’re fully detoxed). Once you’re detoxed and have slept and ate and hydrated (about 4-7 days), you can make work decisions. I had to ask myself if it was worth it anymore and frankly, it wasn’t, so I rather than sit and crack a beer (as would’ve happened), was time for a gameplan. If you do like your biz and you decide it’s worth it, then your gameplan is to remove the serious stressors. Mine was managing employees, so I would’ve had to hire a manager or release my employees had I kept the biz. Your decisions here won’t be easy but you can’t make them drunk, it’s not possible. I can assure tho that as you make them, sober, you will begin to feel a calm confidence that makes it all worth while. For me, once I got there, staying sober was easy. I never want to wake up shaking again, won’t miss any more meetings or family functions. The best part is the new people you’ll meet to do biz with. Savvy biz folks recognize an alcoholic and just simply steer clear. Long and short, the path to physically feeling better is short (a couple days), that’s your start before lining up your biz plan. Stay in touch with me.
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Anthony, did your heart calm down during the day? Im pretty bad in the mornings but as the day goes on I settle down for the most part. My heart is still a little fast, around 90-100 but I’ve had two EKGs recently and nothing wrong but fast heart rate. I Know I need to see my dr but I’m scared to death of them now. Last Christmas they diagnosed me with either sarc or lymphoma. Not a fun day. They monitored me for a few months and turned out to be sarc and I don’t have to go back unless breathing issues or uncontrollable coughing starts. Ever since then I just get bad anxiety about going back.
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@graphix: how much were you drinking on average and how frequently? And what? If you’ve gone nonstop for a good period, you need meds for cold turkey. You can go see an urgent care doc, bring a partner to drive and…as bad as it is, bring a small amount of alcohol with you in case the pulse goes up too much getting there. It’s really dangerous to detox cold turkey. So I don’t have a clear answer for you, but for 3-4 days, you’ll have waves and it’s not worth the risk.
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What do you mean by waves?
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And why does alcohol keep my heart rate down? That’s why I drink when I wake up because I’m shaking and pulse is bad
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See my reply above @graphix, in a new thread. gives me a tiny window to type in reply
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On your question about heart rate; two things. 1) booze attaches to your GABA receptors, those are your brains relaxers. After a long period of having the receptors plugged, brain makes more adrenalin and other chemicals to balance out the over calm. When the booze disappears, yours receptors are open and you still have the other chemicals flowing as tho you were a bottle of wine in, and that’s what causes trembles and anxiety and some of the heart racing. 2) booze thins the blood. So after a long period of drinking, your heart is used to the thin blood and expects it. When you stop, and blood gets to “normal”, your heart can’t figure out what to do. Last, your body is used to booze as a part of your bloodstream, and expects it. So the combined cause the high pulse, the panic attacks, the trembles…if you get a GABA receptor (diazapan), your brain is tricked into believing it is still getting what it needs, meanwhile your blood and heart get back to normal. The gain of seeing a doctor heavily outweighs the risk of not
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Thank you for this anthony. I have never been a daily drinker – binge drink every weekend. While i have not experienced the far end of the spectrum on alcohol i now believe i have been experiencing a wekly roller coaster of anxiety, gi symptoms etc. Due to alcohol. Equally destructive and symptoms fly under the radar (i’m not that bad, no withdrawal – ha!) The gaba part helped me understand why i chose to drink when alone, with an unstructured day and many “t o dos” but felt overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start.
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Farther end of the spectrum of alcohol withdrawal is what I meant. My drinking
behavior has been on the far end many times.
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By “waves”, I mean that you won’t detox overnight. As your body flushes toxins, you’ll feel good for a while, then feel anxious again as it realizes the changes. The brain is a system of function, it’s not all that bright in figuring out changes to your body/or itself. So you’ll get good and bad for a few days. Get some meds, see a doc. Next up without meds is the horrible reacurring dream of relapsing in front of your loved ones, and those will keep you up for a week. There is no reason to do it alone when so much medical help is out there. And it’s dangerous. You’re not alone, millions of people have been there before.
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Thank you.
I appreciate you talking to me. I am alone here as I can not tell anyone but I will see my dr soon. Day 1 didnt work but I will try again
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You’ll also feel very hot and cold. Once again, normal. This is your hypothalamus readjusting (regulates temp). Just letting you know all of what to expect. And then a few days later, oxygen in the cells, fluids in the system, heart back to normal, and you’re independent again! Please see a doc today, will change your life forever.
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Glad to hear it!!! You were smart to go to your Doctor, going cold turkey can be fatal. I went to a detox center and felt the same way you did when I got out. And after 6months clean I had a physical that showed a liver in good shape, had to ask them twice about that one. 🙂 AA keeps telling me that I have some dark reason to drink, nah, I just plain loved the taste and feeling that came with it, then got physically hooked. Never want to go back to the shakes, anxiety, and rotten feelings again.
Good luck!
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Ed, great story! Ya, I never wanted to drink to get drunk, same way, just loved beer. Once I was physically hooked tho, the anxiety in the morning was way worse than anything life could throw at me sober, so that was my turning point…not to mention how much of a better fisherman and hunter I’ve become 😜 (or so the stories go). Glad to hear about your clean bill of health!
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Test
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This sounds very similar to my situations a lot of little things for MANY years I’m ready for a change.
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I just want to say this is the best site that I’ve ever came across in the way I can relate to all you people here….I want to be sober so bad….Thanks for listening
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Only 6 years ago I was fit , and a pretty 47 yr old woman . I met a violent man who subjected me to unspeakable beatings . At the same time my son split up with his australian partner . She went back to australia and took my grandchildren . I’m at a loss if identity . Unspeakable trauma has left me drinking daily . I’m over wait and ugly and scared of the future . Have tried rehab aa but nothing works . At my total lowest ebb this Christmas eve
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Jackie wow your story makes my heart ache. No one should put up with any kind of abuse. I feel for you and pray things get better for you. I’m still dealing with my own problems. Trying to quit drinking and figure out what I need in life. Work from home, just think I need a little more
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Jackie, dear one, you are not alone. The strength to change is within you, and you comment here proves that you wish for things to be different. Sending you love and prayers. I am here if you need me, and the many readers of this page have amazing insights, encouragement, and support to offer you. The alcohol is nothing but a band-aid over a bullet hole. It is not really helping anything, only weakening your ability to heal. I am so sorry for your pain, and hopeful for your future. Be gentle and kind to yourself, and know that we are here to help.
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A band aid over a bullet home… WOW. That is powerful and so true. I have been reading the replies on this site for almost 2 hours and can relate to many! Thank you! I am 40 today. I’m a single mom to a 15 and 4 year old. I am a master deceptive drinker. I drink alone at night after my kids have fallen asleep and then until I pass out. Wine (white) is my poison because I drank too much red one night and was super hung over. I get up feeling fine (scary like someone else said), never drive drunk, but always worry about how much wine I have in the house for the upcoming evening. I guess some people can enjoy a drink in occasion. I forget the days when I had a glass of wine at dinner and was not thinking about having the rest of that bottle and more. Thanks for all who have shared and been so honest.
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Going on my day 3 of detox. I havnt left the house except to pick up my kids from school. Truck is still full of beer cans but no fresh ones. In the past my third day is the day I decide that I can handle manage my drinking by moderation but this never works. Today is also my birthday. Last night I had dreams of drinking so vivid I felt a buzz, until I woke up. I am confident I can make it past this day and into day 4 however the thought of never enjoying a drink again haunts me. I am trying to tell myself I am not quitting, rather starting. Starting to clear my head, spend better time with family. Starting or beginning all of the things that my drinking has held me back from. Excited to do so but weary Ill go back. I like this blog and its nice to hear everyone’s stories that I can identify with. Also nice to get things off my chest. Thanks
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I am happy you are here with us all. Stick around and keep posting!
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Alright I’ve never posted on a blog/forum thing before but I’m taking a step into the 21st century.
Ok ok here this goes. So I’m 24 in good shape married don’t have kids just have to many horses. Own my own business work hard and am a very likeable guy. BIG problem I love beer. I am pretty sure Coors light stays in business because of me and people like me which is not a good thing. Anyways my business isn’t failing but I know my body is telling me to stop or slow down. I have a lot of lower back pain that makes me nauseous. My wife absolutely hates alcohol and hates me drinking. So like every good alcoholic what do I do? You guessed it I try and hide it. Oh and I have to admit it I’m good at it. But my beautiful wife is getting better and better at finding beer cans. So every time she finds one she destroys it which pisses me off to no end! Which starts a big argument and honestly I can’t stand fighting with the person I’m supposed to love and provide for. She has said in the past that I love beer more than her which I feel is not true but she does have a point. I’ve been drinking for at least a solid year now and today is day one of sobriety. I’ve read so many posts of people older than me now deciding to quit and I pray that you will fight against alcohol as I will fight too. I know one thing that I miss about being sober is going out anywhere at night. But I can’t do that anymore because I have to start drinking at night and I really don’t want to drive and get a dui or potentially kill someone from driving.
I’m sorry this is going on and on. One last thing is the benefits of stopping far outweigh drinking. I know we all on this site can stop this addiction. What ever the reason you want or need to stop just do it.
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You sound ready to embark on positive change and that’s great. I want you to know that my dad quit drinking when he was 26 and has had a rich, full, successful life free of booze. It is possible! Your life will be greatly enhanced!
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Dear JD,
Wow, I thought I was the one keeping Coors Light in business! My drug of choice by the cases. One other thing we have in common is the going out at night. Never did it for your same reason. My first venture out was in June. It was fantastic!! Now I can leave the house anytime and the freedom is amazing. Good luck to you. You’ll be happier and so much more cool.
Susan
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I almost made it 5 days. yesterday on my day 5 I purchased a pint of vodka. Almost like a robot I walked into gas station and asked for it. About 4 hours later it was gone which is a good pace for me. I didnt feel drunk or even the buzz I was looking for. It did help me sleep though. Funny thing is my wife hadnt asked me if I had slipped the entire time I was sober until I finally did have a drink. I lied to her and said I hadnt. She said its nice to have me back and she enjoyes talking to me and spending time with sober me. I dont want to disapoint her. Even now my thoughts are geared towards what and how much I will drink today. In my mind I tell myself I can manage my drinking and keep it undercover but recent trials with this have failed.
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◾Rotating stores because I was embarrassed of buying wine every day, but never buying more too much at once because I was planning to quit “tomorrow”.
Hey, I thought I was the only one that did that. Hell, I even had a Google map that had 9 liquor store sites and I would check them off as I went. I’ve now replaced them with ice cream stores.
Just completed 7 months and growing weary of the AA dogma. Feel like I’m at an Amway meeting. It’s just not working for me. I think we all have to do this on our own, or in my case, after detox. The best 5 days of relaxation I’ve had in a long time. I seemed to have lost the urge after that stay and haven’t picked up since.
Great site, glad I found it.
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Hey, Ed, seven months for me too! I rotated stores too but I pretty sure they still knew I was a regular. I’m so happy for us both. Best of luck in the new year. Susan
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I’m pretty sure they did with me as well. One time I followed my pattern and the woman at the other store had been transferred and waited on me 2 days in a row. I’m sure they couldn’t care less. I met a guy in detox that went to the same store everyday, usually when it opened up. They all knew him by name and brand.
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I have been reading these blogs all morning and see so many familiarity’s with what I am going through as well. I am in such a position I am seeing little hope. My entire life is becoming unraveled by my constant drinking. My business is on the brink of disaster and more importantly my family. My wife is fed up with my behavior and children have witnessed numerous drunkin episodes of me losing control. Guilt, depression, suicidal thoughts, extreme anxiety, sleeplessness (unless I pass out).. all me. For years I kept my usage swept under a rug but it is now out in the open like a wild animal out of its cage. I am not an AA guy.. My mother drug me to those meetings when I was a kid and I couldnt stand them. She is still a drunk so what the hell. I have been checked into detox once but checked myself out the same day with only soon to be broken promises to myself and my wife. It seems like all forces are fighting against me. I am committed to being sober but cant seem to break away. I dont want to be away from my family so I keep telling myself I can do this on my own. Might go 2-3 days without drinking but by day 3-4 I start slowly sliping back to old ways and every time I get more and more depressed. I am here once again, day 1. I have told myself I am done and will hide away from the world for however long it takes until I can drive down the street without stopping for a beer. The past few months I dont even eat until I am atleast 12-18 beers in and that is being conservative. But Ill try again, with doubts, but with hope I can fix this before I loose everything.
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Thanks for publishing this blog. I hope for this to be a resource for me in my recovery. I check every single box above. Sorry this is long, but I have to admit this to the world. Like most days, I woke up hungover this morning. It’s only in the past three weeks have I really been honest with myself about my drinking and drug use. This was spurred by a sit down with my boss who questioned my commitment to my position and team. It all came as a huge shock to me. I hadn’t noticed anything during this down slide: the moodiness, the frowning, missing deadlines, lethargy, dropping the ball in meetings, appearing disengaged, and slight personal conflicts with co-workers. The veil had been lifted from my eyes and I could see a person sitting in that room that I didn’t recognize at all.
I hadn’t thought about it but almost every man in my family has alcohol problems. My 25 year old brother drinks from the moment he wakes up until he gets kicked of the pub at night. My grandmother was a severe alcoholic and died at 53 as a result. I started drinking when I was about 12-13 years old out of curiosity and kept it going for the next 15 years as a way to curb social anxiety primarily. In university it accelerated to daily drinking as a reward. Studying 14 hours a day, 7 days a week became excruciating without a night cap. Now it’s a way to escape my crappy financial situation, dislike for my job, heightened anxiety, and generally low-self esteem. I suspect these are all a direct or secondary result of my drinking and drug use. I drink about 5 days a week. The 2 that I don’t are usually because I’m too tired or hungover. In the past two year while drinking I’ve been introducing drugs on the weekends, now sometimes weekdays – pot, cocaine, ecstasy, molly, Adderall. If it’s around I’ll definitely take painkillers, Valium, acid, mushrooms, whatever. I don’t smoke or even think about cigarettes when I’m not drinking. If I’m on a bender I’ll blow through pack after pack until I’m coughing blood. My teeth are starting to show it and my heart palpitations have become stronger. Any extended holidays involve day after day of hard drinking, occasionally until I’m vomiting blood. I’ve been able to keep the charade up because despite this I’m in great shape (avid cycling, mountain hiking, great diet) and have a pleasant demeanor most of the time and can get the whole room laughing. But lately my mind has been flooded with anxiety because of incessant binge drinking and hard drug use. To cope I groan and mumble to drowned out the evil thoughts. I invent social conflicts that don’t exist and spend my weekends stewing in guilt and worry. If I don’t drink alcohol I would probably be drinking tea and reading a novel. After that first beer though, the next thing I know I’m 15 drinks deep, blowing coke to keep from blacking out, spouting somebody’s secrets to a group, sleeping with a girl that I wouldn’t even consider talking to if I was sober, and finally taking bong rips until I pass out. I wake up and think about all the awful things I did the night before and fight the suicidal thoughts until the next session. I will not be this person anymore.
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Dear “AndSuch”,
I am moved by your confessions. I thought I was a functioning alcoholic until I quit, then I realized how wrong I was and how dysfunctional I behaved. I would like to suggest that you might like to talk with your doctor. It helped me and now I have been clean for six months. My heart goes out to you. You sound like you are truly suffering. Best of luck.
Susan
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Hi Susan,
Thanks for the encouragement. The preparation phase last week went poorly. Everyday my drinking escalated. Friday my co-worker said I looked like a shell of a person. I dropped the ball in front of my boss too. The action phase started yesterday with this post. On day 2 right now and I know will have to face those voices when I get home but I can do it.
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I was just trying to explain to someone that by the time someone develops a problem with drugs and/or alcohol, it isn’t really fun anymore. It stopped being fun a long time ago right? All of this you were putting yourself through (or putting through yourself) was to numb, detach, maybe to feel normal — and even then it doesn’t really work very well from the sounds of it. What we hear again and again in recovery is that putting it all down brings a freedom and peace that is so elusive when we use. I wish this for you, my friend. Freedom and peace. And Susan is so right, an honest chat with your doctor could do wonders for your success. Thank you for sharing your story, and please keep posting to teach us what you learn along the way.
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*AndSuch switching username*
Thanks for the encouragement and advice on seeing a doctor. Your blog has been helping me a lot. I’ve had some conversations with my brother recently, who I mentioned previously. He is very much in the state of arrest that you’ve described above. I told him about my commitment and he was proud. He referred to those later stages as “when the fun stops”. He also said that through his AA classes he’s seen that when continuing on that self-destructive path, things only get worse. Perhaps I can convince him to join me in this new life – for the sake of ourselves and our family. In terms of “fun” I would say that this lifestyle still had glimmers of enjoyment, but in retrospect, I was just lying to myself. What I was attracted to was the euphoria and relief from inhibitions that the booze and drugs brought on, not the people I was around or the experience I was engaging in. Chasing that feeling required more and more consumption. Then the resultant days spent mired in guilt, depression, and anxiety made it nearly unbearable to be around myself anymore. I’m on Day 4 and that alluring freedom and peace has begun to shine through, fortifying my resolve with a sense of bravery that I didn’t think I had just days before.
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Just recently I stayed sober for about 28 days and was thrilled with the result. I am also bipolar without a good psychiatrist. My gp doctor continues to refill my psychiatric drugs but would not refill my antabuse???? Said I needed to see a psychiatrist for that?? So I said the hell with that and went back to drinking??
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All of the above red flags, all of the stories that you have all told, and all of the angst, guilt, shame, remorse, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. are all me as well. I have abstained before, but always slid back. I have tried moderation, sometimes successfully, but it doesn’t work for me. My friends all drink and many of them to excess like I do. I managed to quit smoking over a year ago, but found that my drinking increased. I am 54 years old and have always had a way of getting high in my life. I had an emotionally frustrating childhood and believe this is where it all started. I wasn’t always into alcohol – I smoked pot in my 20s, but gave that up (yay!) in my late 20s. I also quit smoking at that time and my early 30s were probably the healthiest time of my life. I really didn’t start consistent alcohol use until I was in the last half of 30s. Circumstances in my life at that time triggered a long-term depressive episode and during that time I started drinking more and consistently. I have worked in the stock market for decades, and drinking excessively and other bad behaviors were rampant, and often times, encouraged. I have had periods of time where I quit (not with the intention of stopping forever), but at some point have always started drinking again in either moderation or binge drinking. I too have fallen down, had mysterious injuries, made an ass out of myself, ruined friendships and had many friendships where we enabled each other to drink excessively, or convinced ourselves through mutual behavior that there wasn’t a problem. I am on day 4 of not drinking. That is the longest period of time in several years. I cannot believe that I am at this stage of my life and I am still getting drunk, sometimes without any control whatsoever. My good friend from high school is also an alcoholic. We went on a trip together this past fall, and I witnessed her excessive drinking. We had conversations about, and she really doesn’t want to quit. I realize that I am not far behind her, if I am not there already. I love the buzz I get from alcohol, but it more often than not gets out of hand. I hate hangovers. I hate how I have become lethargic. I hate the excuses I tell myself for sitting at home drinking. Boredom is a trigger for me. If there is one good thing about all this, I no longer try to kid myself about addictions and have removed the denial ‘voice’ that I often use and that many, many friends use.
I am in the preparation phase, and am trying to get to a ‘sincere’ action phase. I find it hard to imagine my life without a mechanism for getting high. But, I got rid of pot, and I got rid of cigarettes, so I know I can change. I want to be a healthy, productive person as I get older. I love this blog. What great stories and a commitment to honesty. Reading these stories has given me hope. I will be following a lot of these recommendation and may sign up for the 100 day challenge. Good luck to you all. I’ll stay in touch.
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Thank you for sharing this and yes, please keep us all posted on your progress! Together we learn and grown and share our successes. Once you shake off some of the old ways, you will be amazed at how much time and energy you will have to take on the world. I am very excited for you!
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Thank you for creating and contributing to this blog. So many experiences and thoughts match mine. Gives me hope that I can heal the bullet hole without the bandaid of alcohol, in my case wine. I have been drinking unhealthily for almost forty years. At age sixty seven now, I have made thousands of commitments, promises, tear-filled, heart-felt goal-setting meetings mainly with myself, at times with my husband or daughter, to stop “over-drinking”. In other words, getting drunk, saying things I don’t mean or remember, ruining so many possibly beautiful occasions, slurring, forgetting if I ate dinner or who did the dishes, and so many more embarrassing and shameful behaviors over these many years. I have employed many of the tactics described by the brave open people on this blog: hidden wine bottles to supplement what we serve at dinner and parties, drinking small bottles in the car on the way home to “pre-lube”, lying to my husbands and daughter and friends and doctors about how much I drink. I had a high level successful responsible stressful job for many years, retired now. We love to cook, bike, hike, entertain, and drink good wine. We travel extensively and enjoy “tasting” wines, in other words drinking a lot of wine. Problem drinking began in my late 20’s at parties and social events, gradually increased over years of an unhappy first marriage, increasingly stressful work. Many social events and friend groups revolve around wine. I have quit drinking periodically to “lose weight”, was able to maintain this for up to 4 years, then went back to “social” drinking, then every day, then hidden alone drinking, and on and on. I have fooled myself into thinking I am hiding this all behind a facade of respectableness, but realize that everyone probably knows I have this problem. My daughter informed me yesterday that she does not want me caring for my new beautiful granddaughter I’d I have had more than 1 glass of wine. I said okay! I love her more than life itself. But immediate thought was “Really?” And felt like downing a large glass of champagne. I did not do.
Sorry for the outpouring, now quitting for the new year and new life. Know I can and need help opening up.
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Today was day two and I was tempted to break but I didn’t . Pretty proud of myself. Temptation was on the way home from dropping my 93 yr old mother home after taking her to the doctor for X-ray of her arm she broke on NY Eve. I am worried about her. She is getting very frail. Fourth fall in two years. In past I would’ve stopped at the gas station “on the way home” for a couple small bottles of bad Chardonnay for the way home to de-stress. Yes, there is stress in this situation and in my life, but honestly it is not everyday, not unbearable, so not sure of this long held quid pro quo. Not really a match. I am going to learn about this as I go and gain insight. May be just an excuse. May be my own internal need to please, perfectly and totally, knowing I am not being genuine, trying too hard. Drank to not deal.
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Ive been on several stop drinking sights. Ive been a binge drinker for more years than I care to admit. My best friend quit drinking (AA) several years ago. I would tell myself that he was busy doing other things until I realized I was the “drinking buddy” he let go. Anyway, my wife gets mad at me when I come in smashed. There is no other way for me. Im the classic “can’t stop once I start” drunk. I struggle with depression and the booze doesn’t help. Ive masked the symptoms for so long that Im good at it. I own my own business and envision my plans for the next day,week, month and it doesn’t get done because Im drunk or hungover and don’t put my plans in action. I have scaled down my drinking in the past 3 weeks. My wife didn’t talk to me for 16 days last month because I didn’t make it home from my hockey game 3 times because I made it to my office and slept on the couch there. I justified that as being safe because I live 30 minutes from the city. I was avoiding a DUI. In reality, I was too drunk to talk but decided hours before that I would get drunk and sleep at my shop. I was a real ass 3 weeks ago to the point that friends told me what I did and said the next day and I was depressed and guilty about my actions. Ashamed is a better word. Its not the first time but the latest. My wife deserves better. I decided that I would slow down drinking that day. My work suffers and my wife suffers. I run several events that all have a built in beer drinking aspect to them. Ive been doing these for almost a decade now and I can’t remember some of the events because I got so drunk that I blacked out. Friends knew I had a “few in me” but didn’t know I was 20 beers/10 shots deep MC-ing a charity event. Ive lost weekends because I couldn’t function. Im the guy that runs the events!
Ive decided that enough is enough. My health is important to me now, I’m 40 and over weight. Sleep apnea and memory lose. I want to be a better husband, run a better business and be a true leader, not just the guy who puts in the time to get stuff done. All the jobs and relationships that I have lost or ruined runs into the double digits and I can trace every single one back to booze. Thank you to all the other folks that have put something on this site. This is the first time I have written on a board like this. I feel that I can continue on this road since Ive decided to quit for me. I just don’t want to get drunk anymore.
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Your post is really moving. You are clearly a person of great ability and your relationship with alcohol sounds like it is dragging you down. I hope you have been able to get of to a thundering start with making this change, but if not don’t be discouraged. Just keep getting back up and moving forward. Better days ahead. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Please keep posting!
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I took a big step over the weekend. I went public with my desire to stop drinking with the 14 friends that I drink with most. The hockey team I play for the BIGGEST trigger i have. When we go to the bar that sponsors our team after the games, there is plenty of beer and shots, laughter and jokes. I have found that the bar stool there has become a black hole for me. My teammates read the text and all responded positively. My wife has been giddy as a school girl since Im not hung over or in a bad mood. I began writing a journal at my office and I read the posts of other people every morning and sometimes in the afternoon. I know this is still the beginning phase and I have the will power now. I will keep building on the success of yesterday to stay sober today. Thank you again to everyone on this site. Your successes help lead to mine. Best wishes
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I can relate to you as a business owner. I have a small construction business that I have pry run into the ground due to my drinking. My biggest fear is running my name through the muck by leaving a couple incomplete jobs and sobering up. I cant function anymore at work and have dug such a financial and emotional whole I cant get out. I am inspired by your newly found will power. I also have a wife who is on her last leg with me and i feel horrible for putting her through this time after time. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing.
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Stay with it. Business will always be there. Even if one job gets messed up, you can always come back. I was worried about the same thing, an unsatisfies customer. The truth is, the only time I lost a customer that I cared about, I was late to deliver and must have still smelled like the shots and beers I drank the night before. That was 2 1/2 years ago. I moved forward, but still drank knowing damn well why I didn’t get more business from this client. I’ve lied about that since it happened. Keep up the motivation to stay sober. I’m also taking up a new hobbies I’ve talked about for years. The money saved should finance of quite nicely.
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The drive to sobriety continues. After several weeks of not drinking, my mind and body are feeling better. Not prime but I’m feeling the desire to continue the effort and expand to exercising and eating better. If realized a few things about my business as well. I’m scared to take the next step to grow. The booze was to mask my fear of failure. I’m moving forward to take that challenge.
The drinking is on my mind and I have vivid dreams of drinking. My mouth watered Friday night when I thought about having a “couple” beers. I fought it off and drank some lemonade. It’s not easy yet but the direction is a positive one.
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Wow no kidding about the dreams. I am now on day three and pondering giving up my business and going to the union. My problem is working for myself allows me the freedom to drink whenever I want and I am pretty sure I dont have that willpower at least yet. I feel pathetic saying day 3! Several weeks of sobriety seems so far away. Keep it up friend and good work!
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i feel so identified about the day after shame and guilt… i want to quit forever, i don’t want to drink a single drop of alcohol again. I don’t drink very often, but i never know when the disaster is gonna hit. So my problem is not that i can’t stop drinking but that i can’t trust my self once I’ve had the first glass of alcohol. So my goal is to not drink again in my life. So how is your sobriety goals going, are you making it? I hope you are, so i can trust that its posible to get rid of this poison called alcohol!
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So I’m really pissed with myself, I had a drink after 2 weeks off. My husband said maybe you just need to have a never to be questioned rule that you don’t go over 2 drinks and if you do, you know you have to stop. I used what he said as an excuse to have a drink on Thanksgiving. Now I am scared that I’m going to start back up. I truly don’t want to drink anymore, don’t want the ongoing dialogue in my head telling myself to only have 2 drinks and the constant fear that I could fail. Maybe that one drink was so I can realize that I am truly done.
I’m Done. I like this better version of myself and how happy I am in the mornings now. No guilt. Yup I get frustrated but that’s better than hungover, guilty and embarrassed.
Just wanted to say how great I think this site is…….. Very encouraging.
It helps to get it out in writing.
Thank you.
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I am here because I want today to be my day one. I have realized that my addiction is really taking over. I seem to have lost all desire to do anything except drink. I look and feel horrible. I have been a “functioning” alcoholic for years now, but even I can’t deny that I’m not functioning very well anymore. I have a family, and my children are growing up with an alcoholic mother, and I am so ashamed of that.
I feel like such a hypocrite.
I know that I will not join AA or any other group. I need to do this on my own terms, but I also know that I need help, so perhaps a community like this can help me.
All of the red flags are my red flags. I could have written those words myself. My fear now is that if I stop drinking, everyone will know that I’m an alcoholic (my husband, my children, my parents, my close friends) because they will wonder why I’m not drinking. I realize that my health and my pride are more important than my embarrassment and shame, but that’s where I am right now.
I know that if I don’t stop now, something terrible will happen. I will get a disease, or get in a car accident, or one of my children will become an addict and I will know it is my fault. I don’t know how I possible got here, but I know I need to stop.
So, today will be my day one. I will just start with today. I’m afraid that when 4 or 5 comes around I will once again be having a drink, but I still have to try.
Thanks to anyone who reads this, or responds….
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I hope you will get the book by Allen Carr, Easyway to control your Drinking. It really changed everything for me and how I view alcohol. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem or maybe you could just tell your friends and family that you stopped drinking bc it was draining your energy and you want to get healthy…… You don’t owe anymore an explanation, it is your life and you only get one. Don’t go thru it miserable. There is another way. Or tell people you are taking prescription mess and can’t mix. Anything to buy you some time, then you can say you loved how you felt without alcohol! Don’t waste another day with your children.
I went to my shrink and we talked through so many reasons why I cannot drink anymore and it feels good to close the door on ” should I or shouldn’t i”. Do something else at 4 or 5, read or take a hot bath. Distract yourself. It does get easier.
Good luck and have faith in yourself.
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Thank you Ilyse. I appreciated your post yesterday, and it did actually help feeling like I had “talked” to someone.
I successfully stayed sober last night and feel better this morning. It was not that difficult (I’ve certainly done it before) but it will be weekends or social times with friends that will be my biggest challenge. But I really feel like I’ve reached the point of being “fed up” and need to just do this one day at a time.
I’ve been thinking through some of your suggestions as “excuses” I can share with people about why I’m not drinking. I know it will be more of a big deal to me than anyone else so I need to remember that. Right now, I think I’ll just use the excuse of saving money for the holidays by not buying wine/liquor, and I know my husband will support that too. After the new year, I’ll do a “cleanse” and that can by my excuse. I also have been talking about wanting to lose a little weight, and no doubt not having the excess calories from wine should help that.
So anyway, thanks again and I’ll look into the book you mentioned.
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That is so great that you didn’t drink yesterday! I will never get tired of waking up feeling good and not mad at myself. Try not to worry about weekends and social events. Focus on today. What I’ve found helps, when we are out on the weekends with friends etc. , is that if I can just get through the first 30 minutes ( cocktail time ) that eventually it’s no big deal. Like if we are at a dinner party…. Once the food comes out I try to enjoy the meal then I am fine. Don’t feel bad if you leave a little early from these occasions or get there late so you miss the cocktail time. Have a drink that you really like…. I find that cranberry and pelligrino with lemon helps me and I put it in a wine glass. It looks pretty so I feel like I’m drinking something special. I used to feel like I’d never be able to enjoy social occasions without booze or wine but it is possible. Focus on the conversation, sometimes you start to see that the people drinking become very uninteresting….. Lol. It’s nice to be in control of what you say and do and not worry about how you embarrassed yourself etc. I’ve also noticed that I can tell which friends are jealous that I stopped drinking ( like they would love to as well). Just remember that feeling good all day ( or most of it) is so much better than feeling great for an hour or so during cocktail time. I love my days now.
I hope this helps. These are just things that have helped me and little mantras that I try to repeat to myself.
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This exchange between you two is so beautiful – the connection and interaction between people in recovery is an amazing thing to observe and absorb. xoxo to you both.
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You really hit a note with worrying about what others will think when you quit. I now realize why that hit a note with me. It’s because the people around me already suspect my problem, and this will validate it. They’re simply fearful of confronting me in fear of my response. I quit drinking to get healthier, and that’s really all they need to know.
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Stay tough if u miss the gym one day you start back the next never give up gr eat job
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I quit drinking 2 weeks ago after a night out where most people were not drinking much but I had 2 drinks two many. This seems to be a common theme the past two years and it’s on my mind constantly. I usually drink 2-3 a night and I wake mad at myself. It’s the nights out that I despise myself when I can’t stick to my 2-3 drink rule. It’s like the minute I take a sip I forgo all restraint ( most of the time). My friends tell me I don’t have a problem and that it’s just a habit but I despise hangoves and hate that I’m too tired to be with my kids. I feel like I need to stop so I don’t really do damage, like car accident or embarrass myself more than I probably have. I read the book by Allen Carr, “Easyway to control your drinking”…… He means to stop. It blew my mind and has helped. Puts things into a diff perspective. Alcohol is a poison and we don’t need it. Just sometimes I still feel like I need something to take the edge off.
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Two weeks is a huge accomplishment – I am really happy you are making this change. Sounds like you have made the right decision!
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I quit 6 weeks ago. I felt guilty about driving after a day of drinking with friends. I realized that once I start drink I continue to drink and I am obsessed with alcohol. The problem I have is hereditary. My grandfather was an alcoholic my uncle died from alcohol and drug dependency. I don’t want to be with people that drink because I don’t have the will power to stay away from the urge I have to drink. I think I will get stronger and my impulse to drink will diminish as I create new habits and develop new friends and relationships without alcohol. The key is will power and the love of yourself and family. If I can’t do it for me I have to do it for them. One day at a time.
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Dear unpickled
I need to stop drinking. I found your blog and your red flags, each and everyone of them, are also mine. The problem is I have non one to talk to about any of this. My family are abroad and think I am the healthiest person on the planet. They are old and knowing how much I drink would shock them. I also live alone, having recently moved to a foreign country.
Today I vow to stop. Your blog is great. Now I declare this publicly
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Robin – how’s it going? Keep at it!
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It is going OK actually. Went to AA and also keep myself busy in the evenings doing whatever I can, gym, and swimming for example. The weekends are the toughest times, and a random phone call from an ex was not the best evening I had!
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11 days today. I am very proud of myself. Ever single one of the red flags were my red flags. I have been drinking pretty heavily for 28 years and I knew it was time to let go of the wine. I am already sleeping better at night, am not in constant panic mode about making it to store before they close so I don’t run out any longer. It took me a long time to realize that I had a problem. I guess because in my eyes, it was only wine right? Socially so acceptable! But as a “functioning”alcoholic, I realize now that alcohol is alcohol. Wish me luck friends, as I continue sobriety!
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Thank you for sharing this – you are an inspiration!
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I have been drinking since college; about 25 years now. I have always equated a good time with alcohol. And yes, there have been some good times with alcohol. Sitting by beach with a full cooler box of ice cold beer, the relaxation filling my body, serotonin release, has been great. But it only lasts for half an hour or so I guess. Then it’s the pursuit of that feeling, drink after drink after drink. And we all know that it does not return. I have had many alcohol related lows over the years: talking nonsense at pubs, missing work by calling in sick, some aggressive displays, been punched flat once, low self-esteem, deep regret after a drunken episode, lots of drunken driving (without incident), complete blanks of how I got home, puking, fallen off my motorbike, once I felt I was being attacked by a demon (I quit drinking for a few weeks after that), and rock bottom – had a head-on car collision. Both of us were drunk I excuse myself.
I have not had a drink for four weeks. Was busy overseas helping dad who was in hospital for cancer. (That was two weeks). Then I decided to go on a diet for a month, which includes not drinking (another two weeks have gone by). I am overweight because of binge drinking, followed by binge eating and sleeping.
Still sober. I have not taken a decision to quit drinking. But deep down in my being, I know that I don’t want to pass through my whole adult life as a drinker. Alcohol will definitely keep me from achieving anything meaningful in my life. And yeah, being in my mid fourties, I am suddenly faced with the spectre of a failed and utterly meaningless life.
I googled and found this blog site. It is encouraging. Thank you.
I pray for us all.
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Don’t give in, you are on the right path! As someone who quit for 6 months after a similar drinking history let me tell you that going back is not worth it. About a month and a half ago (can’t believe it’s been that long) I started back drinking again because I thought I was in control and could have ‘just one’. Where as the amounts I am currently consuming aren’t like before, I am constantly trying to control the amount and the buzz and feel like I’m back on that slippery slope……just a little higher up but still pointing down hill. By visiting this site, we all know that the right thing to do is to never drink alcohol again. I am now on my first day sober (again)….thanks for the reminder.
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You are an inspiration. Please see yourself that way. We do. 🙂
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I’ve been contemplating quitting drinking for a long time….what started as an occasional glass of wine 8 years ago escalated to a bottle a night about 2 years ago and finally it got to be normal to have two bottles every few nights. I started drinking throughout the day as well.
In August, I fell off my bicycle at 11 at night after going to get my second bottle of wine….no big deal, I thought….though, soon after, I did end up on bed rest for two weeks due to an injury relating to the “small” fall. After being heavily medicated for the symptoms following the fall, I drank two bottles of wine one night and fell head (eye) first into a heavy wooden chair and I had a massive black eye for 4 weeks. Soon after, I ended up being very depressed for a period of about about 6 weeks (drinking every night) and decided to go for counselling after having completely planned my own suicide without yet having chosen the date. The counselling went well, I had cut back a bit on drinking and had addressed the suicidal deamons.
So, this weekend, I consumed about the equivalent of 2 bottles of wine and some hard liquor. I fell in my yard, hit my head very hard on sharp concrete and apparently blacked out long enough to leave a large pool of blood on the spot where I had fallen (which I only discovered the day after). I went straight to bed….too hammered to either appreciate or care about the resulting wound. I woke a few hours later with a massive gash on my forehead. Short story….16 stitches, eye is swollen closed and the other is starting to close.Three days have passed and I have not had a drink. But I feel shame constantly. My counselor had told me once I stopped or reduced drinking I would have to face many emotions….but the shame is persistent. My learning here is that maybe it was the shame I had been drinking to avoid for so long.
I don’t want to drink. All of my social experiences involve alcohol. I won’t even have my mom come over to help me through the concussion symptoms because I just know I will have a drink with her – we have become drinking buddies. So, for now, it’s three days sober….wish I didn’t have these concussion symptoms so I could actually appreciate sobriety! haha. Trying to keep my sense of humor. I like this blog and will read the stories. I need just a little something more than my own conscious and repeated injuries and shame to keep me from just having that one glass of wine at night (which has not been just one for me for so long).
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Wow, scarface, my heart goes out to you. I have fallen down so many times over my years of drinking I started to think it was “normal”. I hope you recover soon, in more ways than just your injuries. I fell in snow, I fell on car hoods, I fell into walls, I fell into furniture, I fell on sidewalks, I fell going up stairs, I fell into houses, I fell into bed….I don’t want to fall anymore. I haven’t fallen in months and I sure like walking “normal” Best of luck to you.
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Thanks Susan! I’m glad you haven’t fallen for months. Keep going – strong, sober and steady.
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Hi scarface,
I am so glad that you are making a move to take charge of this because falling down drunk is seriously dangerous stuff. A colleague of mine died from exactly that a few years ago – fell at home and hit her head. Please do a bit of reading on PAWs and learn about alcohol withdrawal. Now would be a great time for you to go for a full physical and benchmark your current level of health, confide in your doctor so you can be monitored. You would really benefit from some real life support (from another person in recovery). I am going to follow up this comment with an email to you so we can see if I can connect you with someone you could talk to in person. Meanwhile, as my friend Catherine often says on the Bubble Hour, “Treat yourself like a newborn baby” – be as gentle and protective and pampering with this new life you are treating as you would with an infant, because right now you are just as fragile and vulnerable…and precious!
On Tue, Nov 11, 2014 at 5:59 PM, UnPickled wrote:
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Hi Unpickled,
Thank you for your kind reply. I like the advice toward the end of your post,”treat yourself like a newborn baby”. What I’m doing here is life altering and I equate it, in some small measure, when I gave up items from the other food groups (haha) that not only caused me physical pain, but psychological and emotional pain as well. I don’t know what I’ll do this weekend when the drinking events occur, but I know that for today, I am still not drinking. I would really like to get to know that person I am when I am not drinking, sobering up or wondering when I can have the next drink. I might even have to change my name from scarface to surfaced. Scarface is not a bad reminder of what lead me to the most serious reconsideration I have ever had in relation to my drinking. We’ll be in touch via email. Thanks again for the hand up. I really like your blog.
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Like other commenters, I can relate a great deal with your post. I had no dramatic rock bottom moment. Instead I have been gradually falling under alcohol’s control. In the meantime, my health has slowly slipped as I have gained weight. lost energy and simply feel terrible far too often. During the past few weeks I have been fighting to make positive changes in my life. However as many of us know, it is extremely difficult, All I know is that over the past few years I have managed to become a different person because of my addiction. The person I am now simply exists while life passes by- this is a person I do not want to be anymore.
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Hi David, you sound so burdened my friend. You can be living a very different life – it is hard at first but worth the effort. I promise you have it in you to make this change. Do you have some support around you to lean on, or someone to confide in? Would you consider joining a program for support?
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Hello! Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I do indeed have a great deal of support. I am seeing a counselor and my wife has been with me every step of the way. I also recently told a close friend about my addition – it feels good to unburden oneself. I am determined to make the changes that must be made. I am very optimistic, yet anxious! But I agree with you that I can do this and it will be well worth it!
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I am cheering for you David!
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I’m on my 61st day, and I really enjoyed reading this post. I relate to it on so many levels. I especially relate to what you said about the “contemplation” phase, watching Celebrity Rehab while drinking. My train-wreck show of choice was Intervention, which I always watched with a glass of wine in my hand. I used to joke about that with my partner…”is it bad that I’m watching Intervention while I’m drinking?” I guess in some way, I was justifying my habits. I could say “at least I’m not a disaster like these people.” I didn’t know that I was contemplating anything, but I realize now that I went through the pre-quitting phases, questioning whether my drinking habits made me an alcoholic or not, and what it all meant. I joked with my good friend after I told her of my decision to quit drinking, “If you’re taking quizzes online to find out if you’re an alcoholic, you probably are one.”
It was no big watershed moment for me, no catastrophic event that made me quit. I just knew my drinking had escalated in the last several years, and that I was starting to have trouble moderating. I don’t know when I crossed this line, but I no longer wanted one drink, I wanted the buzz. For me, I was up to 2 or 3 glasses of wine to get that buzz, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but I had started doing that every night, and more on weekends. When I added up how much I was really drinking, it was a reality check. My parents were both alcoholics, and I was headed down the same path. I decided to quit, at first just for 2 months. But once I got a week in, I realized the severity of my problem. I felt so much better physically and emotionally that it was startling. What had I been doing to myself all this time? And I had cravings that made me realize, if this wasn’t a problem for me, it shouldn’t be this hard to quit. I knew I had to make this permanent. I could not be a “normal” drinker ever again.
After 60 days, the cravings are much less, but that sneaky voice in my head still messes with me. It says things like, “See, you can quit. You don’t need to be so extreme and martyr-y about it. You could probably go back to having just a glass of wine now and then, eventually.” Just yesterday, I had to laugh…I caught that sneaky voice saying this to me, “you know, if you screw up once and have a slip, no one would think the worse of you. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you could allow yourself one ‘slip day’ where you drink a few.” No lie, this actually went through my head. It’s like that voice is a persistent 5 year old, trying to reason me into having a drink. Funny how the drinking mind works. I have learned to listen for it, and head it off.
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I am so glad you have awareness that the voice is really your addiction talking. It is a hard thing for many people to believe because it just sounds so logical and calm. “You can drink now, everything is fine.” You (and I) have the genetics for addiction, and evidence of its toehold in our lives. In our cases, alcohol free is the best direction – no questions asked!
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Why I feel I need to drink. .. it lightens my mood … as well as undoing the good my lifting does for me mentally. Any who. I am glad I found this blog and I hope it helps and I wish all of you luck on you journeys. .
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I drink a couple of beers a couple times a week and about every couple weeks I will get drunk. I lift weights about 6 days a week and the drinking is definitely hindering some if my fitness goals. As well as hurting my emotional health. I wasn’t going to have a beer tonight but was craving one horribly so here I am with a beer. I also feel like my drinking increases some of my depression which I struggle with. .. which is probably also
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Okay, this is the kind of peer pressure I need! Today is my day one. That’s all. I just needed to declare if somewhere safe. So, I managed to not talk myself out of it. One step made. THANK YOU.
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How’s is going, GiGi?
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Hi, Unpickled! I’ve recently stumbled (no pun intended) across your blog. I’m really enjoying searching for groups that are going through the same thing I am. I realized I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol since I started drinking regularly in my early 20s. I knew I needed to quit since day one. Here I am a decade later, and I’m finally making the move. I’m so tired of going round and round in my head about it. I know life will be better without drinking! Especially my relationships. I’ve entered too many toxic relationships that have poisoned me because of mine and my SO’s alcohol use.
I quit smoking a year ago and I’m really looking at it the same way. I usually like to do things on my own, without a substitution vice, etc. This is just how I personally succeed at these types of changes. I cut back from drinking every day, now to MOSTLY the weekends. This will be my first weekend without. At first I was anxious, but now I’m looking forward to the accomplishment. It was EXTREMELY difficult to switch to weekends only, but I don’t really notice it now. I’m excited to have productive weekends, fond memories that I can recall on my own, and experiencing life! I know how my friends will respond (they, too, are daily drinkers) and I’m a little concerned about the future of our relationships.
A year ago I decided to make similar changes with the quitting smoking, eating a mostly clean diet, exercising more and making my own bath a beauty products in order to reduce the amount of carcinogens I allowed into my body. I’d be a hypocrite if I did not also eliminate alcohol. I’m pretty stubborn and determined, so I know I can do this. And I’m glad I found this swell group of people to share the experience with.
I like your discussion on change. It made me think of a book I read earlier this year. It discusses the same topics and is a great read. It really opened my eyes to how we integrate change…
“Change: What Really Leads to Lasting Personal Transformation” by Jeffrey A. Kottler
I apologize for the long post, and I look forward to catching up with the others. Good luck to all of us and TGIF!
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Thank you for sharing – I love your health perspective. Once you feel ready, consider some introspection as to “why” you needed to drink. You may be surprised what you have hidden inside and how great it feels to address it and let it go!
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So I’ve made it to day three — I feel better and really want to keep this going. Tomorrow I have a work retreat where the alcohol is always flowing and everyone has a great time and a couple of drinks or more. I know me and I know if I have one drink I’ll have seven…and I don’t want that to happen, for once I don’t want to be the fun drunk girl :(. Any suggestions on how I can stay strong? I’d really appreciate the advice. Not going is not an option, it is required, Thanks in advance…this blog is really helping me.
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Djrungirl,
Good for you for being pro-active and making a plan, instead of just relying on hope. It’s gonna be hard, no doubt. In addition to having things that will help you ease the angst, frustration and cravings (eg pack your fav candy, tea, books, etc) it would be really great if you could have some external accountability. If u don’t have anyone close at work who I feel comfortable sharing this with (and sounds like u don’t) then maybe tell some people right away that you are on antibiotics/ meds and can’t drink that weekend. I don’t know if lying like that is kosher recovery practices or not, but IMO anything that can help support you not taking that first drink is fair game at this point. Also have a plan/excuse for ducking out to your room soon after cocktail hour starts… Headache, stomache ache, whatever excuse u need to use, just don’t try to participate exactly how you used to when u were drinking…give yourself permission to take little mental health breaks over the weekend. Good luck and let us know how it goes!!!
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Thank you for replying. There is no one at work that I feel like I can talk to about this right now, maybe in the future. The medicine idea is a good idea, I’m not a fan of lying but right now it is better than the alternative and I think that once I put it out there, I would hesitate going against it — I also offered to go on a run early Friday morning which would not be possible if I drank. Thank you and I’ll post an update.
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Thank you for this blog! Seriously, those red flags all sound like me. I have 3 different liquor stores I go to because I felt weird buying a handle of vodka every 3 days from the same place. I would throw bottle away instead of recycling in fear of what my neighbors might think. My next door neighbor would have an empty six pack over the course of two weeks (bi-monthly recycle pickups) and here I would have a few handles, a couple bottles of wine and the bin filled with beer.
So I’ve had a few embarrassing experiences this past month and decided it was enough. This is literally the first day (so-far) I can remember not having anything to drink and it is terrifying me. But it’s got to get done. I’m 36 this month and on a collision course. It’s either lay down the bottle or my life.
Thank you for writing this. I will continue to read and I’ve enjoyed making this far into your blog this morning.
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today is my day 1 too, here’s to our first night without the vodka crutch.
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Good Luck..I am only on day three but, I think day one was pretty tough. You can do it! Reading these posts have helped me. So long on if you feel like slipping :)!
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Hang in there! I am on day 3 and I can tell you I actually feel better. Change some routines. Distract yourself. (I keep taking the dogs out.) Take a tylenol PM to help you sleep tonight. If you get the shakes and feel anxiety like I am, just take a few deep breaths. They will pass. Look for signs. I almost caved last night (there is red wine in my fridge -hubbys, i drink white but I thought, hey just 1 glass,) and all of a sudden the new case on Judge Judy was about a “sober living facility.” I shut the fridge and walked the dog. (To me that was a sign.) I was terrified on Sunday, but I found this blog and knew I wasnt alone and that I could do this. You can, keep reading.
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well, i survived the night, and i am feeling pretty good this morning. just wanted to say thank you for your words. i read and re read them last night while munching on gummy bears. 🙂 scotty, how are you doing?
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Feeling good! Thanks for asking. Refrained last night. Went for a long walk to take my mind of it at first and then had dinner at a sub shop (which I never do) to disassociate the dinner with the alcohol. May continue this approach for a little while worked well. Had major insomnia last night and was getting hot flashes, but feeling better. Still only on 3 hours of sleep. Hopefully that will change sooner rather than later!
Keep it up peoples!
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Good for you Scotty and everyone! I have found my change in routines very helpful. I have started doing a load of laundry every night around the “trigger” time. I keep myself busy with the folding and sometimes even ironing. I hate ironing but I feel a sense of accomplishment after I am finished. I also now watch most of my nightly shows in my bedroom instead of on the couch where I spent so many hours getting “pickled.”
I actually have had hot flashes at night, more like waking up with night sweats…(Not sure if Im detoxing or its just because Im pushing 44….lol)
Good luck to all this weekend! Keep hanging in there and reach out if you need to.
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I had a great weekend. Was successfully able to avoid mimosas at brunch yesterday and wine at my mother in law’s last night. It really wasn’t even that hard. (I know, I can’t get cocky so early on.) No questions asked. I gave no information. No one really knows what I am up to, just that I am turning down the glass of whatever.
Keeping busy/changing up routine is key. I keep wanting to go over to my neighbor’s house and ask if I can take their puppy for a walk (or 10) !!!
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Great ideas & suggestions w/ changing up your triggers! Exactly what I’m looking for.
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Hi all. I’m trying (and trying and trying some more ) to get myself to the Action phase. I’ve no doubt that I have a serious problem with alcohol and can’t consistently drink like normal people do. I have basically every red flag there is. I drink 1-2 bottles wine/night almost every night. I can “be good” for stretches of weeks where I only drink a glass or two. But every flipping time, ill slide back into my old routine. I need to stop. My life looks great on paper, but inside I’m crushing my spirit, glass by glass. I’m glad I found this site.
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This is day one for me. I’ve never made it longer than a week, but it has to stop. I have been to AA and like one particular meeting and a few women I’ve met. My husband has been sober for over 25 years and he is disgusted with me. On top of the negative self talk I give myself each morning (and panic attacks) it makes it doubly hard, but I have no choice. Thanks so much for this blog!
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I have done all of this. My favorite wine is Chardonney. At this moment my recycle bin is full of empty bottles and once again I will cart them off to the recycle station and dispose of my “shame” as I refer to it every other week. I am always hopeful with each load I empty I tell myself I won’t fill the glass bin again with wine bottles.
Today is day two. I’ve gained 20 pounds since last year ( I quit for 26 days) and my belly is huge! I am frustrated and self esteem is low. My body is ultra sensitive right now and I can’t express enough how difficult it is to be here at work, helping other people when I can’t even help myself. What a joke!
I’ve been reading this blog for two weeks. It has given me hope. I can identify with everyone here.
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Sober Belly,
I hear you!! So glad you posted. This is my first post as well. I have been aware of my problem with alcohol for a while now, and have gone through periods of sobriety, my longest 3 1/2 months…At the time that I first admitted it, in 2010, I was also abusing the prescription meds prescribed for my back pain. I have been abstinent from those meds for amost 4 years, but last year I tried drinking “moderately” and while it started out well, it’s now progressed to a bottle or two a night ritual. It produced a 35+ lb weight gain mostly in my belly, I feel shame, regret, lack of motivation, and generally unmanageable in my day to day life, although on the outside I appear to have my shit together (good job, great kids, semi-ok husband, etc) LOL.!!! I am a therapist for Godsakes, I help people everyday put their lives back together. The saddest part is that I feel like the biggest fake in the world! I have tried AA in the past but had some negative experiences. I’m hoping to find some support online to help me make the choice of letting go of alcohol and taking on the life of a sober gal. Thanks so much for this forum!
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How are you today, my friend? We are all so much the same and your words take me right back to how I felt right before I quit. Take heart. It is a difficult change tomake at first but once you get past the initial changes it just gets soooo much better. It is late Friday afternoon and I am sipping tea, about to zip out for some shopping, then I will go visit my grandson for some snuggles, followed by a bowl of ice cream and a chick flick in my pjs (hubby is away). Doesn’t this sound much more interesting than what I was doing every night during my wine days: drinking alone and hoping no one would interrupt me?! I used to wonder what people did at night if they didn’t drink and now I know: they LIVE!
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I am just so thrilled to have found your blog. It is absolutely just what I needed. I am on day 6 today and have almost given in every evening (I start the arguing with myself about half an hour before I finish work – will I or won’t I – just tonight!) Was very close the night before last and found your blog and it got me right back on track. I have known I have had a problem for about twenty years and have managed to stay away from the wine for a few months here and there and actually managed 6 months last year. Have been drinking steadily since September and have played around with trying moderation, but I am only fooling myself. My 43 yo son hugged me and told me he was so very very worried about me on Monday morning after a whole weekend wasted on wine and that switched on a light in my brain. I’m not kidding anyone! – I most definitely have a problem! – I need to accept it! – I need to be true to myself! This has sort of lifted a weight off me and I feel thrilled to be not drinking each morning when I wake up – but the desire for a drink starts again at 4pm each arvo and finding your site is my lifeline. Had all sorts of plans on the way home last evening to just finish of the cask in the fridge and then start afresh. My granddaughters were here when I got home and having their usual Friday evening couple – tempting – but I had a big drink of ice cold water and got straight onto your site. (My granddaughters 18 & 20, live with me and they know I want to stop) – and it did wonders. I had the most wonderful night. They played their music and sang their hearts out and I joined in when I knew the words -and in between I explored your site and did heaps of reading!! Thank you. I’ll be seeing you daily!!
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You will be my inspiration to keep it going this month 🙂 I want to encourage you to keep walking this pathway because honestly, our lives now are all about those kids and grandkids and we need to stay healthy and present for them. You can live out your live now as a strong matriarch (I love that word!) and an amazing role model for those granddaughters of yours – truly showing them how to take charge of a problem and be an authentic woman who stands in her power.
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I have all the “red flags”. When I was determined to quit my daily (brunch thru bedtime) wine habit, I found this blog. Thank you! Today is my Day 4 and right now, right this moment, I don’t want a glass (bottle..box) of Cab. And a big part of me is angry that I can’t drink anymore. It was my crutch. But it’s time to throw my crutches away and stand up on my own!
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I’ve suspected that I have a drinking problem for a long time. I am a relatively reserved person when I am sober but when I drink, I am funny, confident, sexy and outgoing. Very outgoing. My girlfriends encourage me to “loosen up” with a few drinks because nobody wants to be around my usual uptight sober self, least of all me. Over the years (20ish) I have periodically cut back or taken breaks; usually after a particularly bad hangover (the kind that lasts more than one day) or after I do something really embarrassing at a party or hurt myself while drinking (mystery bruises? Hell, I’ve had mystery gashes). But I always returned to it. My job is stressful so I told myself that I drank to relax. It was a fast way to just “shut everything off” at the end of the day. The first thing I would do when I got home from work was hit the fridge and pour a huge glass of wine. I would slam the first half to get down it to a normal glass level and then change out of work clothes and start dinner, sipping the whole time. I had converted from bottle to box wine (cheaper and easier to hide how much I was drinking from my husband). This seems to have removed the single remaining governor I had on my drinking. It just kept getting worse – I knew should cut back but there was always some excuse: I’ll cut back after this big project is completed, after vacation, after Christmas. I sometimes even suspected that I didn’t need to cut back: I needed to quit. That was even worse. Quit? I don’t want to quit! Forever? AA meetings? Higher power? I’m an atheist that is so not going to happen. I’ll cut back.
Three events occurred relatively close together and, as they say, the dots finally formed a straight line to what my future would hold if I didn’t do something.
First, my husband I went on a river rafting vacation down the Grand Canyon. I joked that it was going to be like going to rehab for me as I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage to bring enough wine to get me through. I obsessed: how much was too much? I didn’t want to look like an alcoholic to the other passengers but I wanted to enjoy my vacation. You have no idea how much energy I put into this conundrum. I considered switching to hard liquor just so I could pack more punch in less space. I settled on two boxes of wine: one for me and one “for my husband”. Seven nights and the equivalent of 8 bottles of wine and I was still worried! My husband drank three glasses of wine on that trip and I begrudged him every single one.
Second, my sister and her family came to visit for a long weekend. After drinking wine with me all day (and not NEARLY keeping up with what I was really drinking: an extra one at the fridge while refilling our glasses, pouring another one and slurping off the top to get it back to half full when I was “at the bathroom”… you all know the drill) she was so hung over she couldn’t get out of bed the next day. I felt fine. It was a just another day of drinking for me.
Third and final straw. After the two incidents above, I decided that it was time to really get serious about cutting back. The first week I made it three days. The second week I made it two days. Labor day weekend I promised myself I would not drink every day. Instead, I drank the equivalent of 7 bottles of wine in three days. I was still drunk on Tuesday morning and had to “work from home”. I was scared. What the hell had happened? This wasn’t a slippery slope anymore; it was a fucking luge ride that was picking up speed! I turned to the internet and took the test (in my head of course, not going to record that sordid shit anyplace – then again, the test results were pretty easy to keep track of as all of my answers were “yes”). I sat back stunned. It was so clear that I have had a drinking problem for a very long time. I researched further (Google knows everything!) and downloaded Gabrielle Glaser’s Her Best-Kept Secret. I read it in one sitting. “What? I’m not alone? There are alternatives to AA?!” You cannot believe how relieved I am to find that I am not unique, that there are thousands of women just like me who are / were privately drinking their lives away. And they’re all helping one another on the internet. Now what? I still can’t bring myself to say “forever” but every morning since September 2nd, I have made the choice to not drink today. When I look at my favorite wine glass, I hate it. I want to throw it at the wall, “you were never my friend; I’ve wasted so much of my life with you!” I’ve not shared with anyone yet. I have grave reservations about my chances for success but I feel better after this sober week than I have in years. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Day by day, sometimes it is minute by minute. One day you will look back at packing wine boxes on a rafting trip and shake your head, I promise. You are definitely not the only one, and making this life-saving change is infinitely easier with the joyful support of others. ps – my friend tells a hilarious story of smashing all her wine glasses with a baseball bat as a an outlet. Perhaps you might enjoy this activity, although she warns the cleanup was rather nasty (albeit worth it in the end).
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Awesome post. Thank you!
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Enjoyed reading your sincere post. Wishing you all the best.
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I wrote this letter to my husband. I’m sure some of you can relate. X
Hi love
I’ve quit drinking because alcoholism is like gravity what goes up must come down. I dont want to hit rock bottom because thats illogical. Thats like saying im only going to start dieting when I’m so obese i can’t leave my bed anymore.
I was getting to the point where i dont know what my actual personality is anymore, alcohol causes major stress and i was starting to get panic attacks.
When one realises all this, although one always knows it, but when you get a fright its like a wave you have to catch out from the sea back to the beach because there aren’t many of these waves and if you don’t catch it you will drown. If you don’t catch this one, the next one will need to bring you in from even further out to sea, and if you don’t catch that wave you could be lost forever like my dad.
This week has been tough. Lots of head debates. Yes i could go to shop now and buy a bottle and drink it from a cupboard and not fulfil my duties and not be in the moment and have a hangover and feel guilt and shame tomorrow or i can choose not to and have a sprite and feel proud the next day.
I am on the raggity edge. And i dont have a choice but to quit now. I can’t drink like normal people and I’m pissed off about that but its my problem.
I’m excited to see what comes next. I’m determined. Today is day 7.
I love you. I’m doing this for me but because we are worth it. You deserve better and my kids will not grow up to be ashamed of their wine guzzling embarrasing mother that they see as little as possible.
If I’m grumpy please hug me. If I’m sad please make me a cup of coffee. You are the best thing i have and won’t lose you.
Me
Xxxx
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Tell us more. How did it go from there?
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Hi there!
Its going! Life is the agony, the ecstasy and they forgot this one – the monotony.
I drank because i was anxious and it took the edge off, but i realise it was also to negate the boredom the monotony of life. Not that you would think i have a gap to be bored if you see my daily schedule, but even doing the laundry and making dinner whilst helping kids with school work felt more fun with a wine buzz.
I’m ok now during the week, into a new routine, lime and soda. Ugh. My kids still check if its safe before taking a sip hehehe don’t blame them since its in a wine glass.
Positives; no hangover no guilt and shame, feel in the moment, don’t feel like a faker. I have more energy and i felt like i am contributing to society to life! I had a isolated feeling before as if i was an onlooker with a secret no one would understand.
We won a big contract at work yesterday i had to ring the bell and we all gathered for champagne. It took every ounce of strength to not take a sip. When i asked for a lime and soda instead i got some interesting looks. I’m that girl you realise the one that dances on tables and drives home with a bottle of wine for later. Legend. Not.
So i thought fuck you and announced i have quit drinking for nine days so far. Everyone laughed and said they all drink every day what’s the big deal. So i said the difference is that you all finish cooking and drinking and have coffee and know when to stop. My ‘i have had enough gland’ is defunct and it doesn’t recover so i can’t even start.
I drove home sulking. Considered buying wine on the way. Light white no one will know. I could hide it in the cupboard and be sober by the time hubby gets home.
But i had a lime and soda shared it with my kid 🙂 worked on the children’s book im writing, hubby came home hugged me so hard i wanted to cry.
So for today i am really a legend. The good kind! X
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I can totally relate. Love your comment on monotony, I know that is exactly why I pour that glass of wine. Wish I didn’t need that extra buzz and was high on life. How do you get that feeling?
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I have drank beer almost everyday for years. Now i’m introducing whiskey as well. It’s bad, wake up in the middle of the night with tremors, racing heart, anxiety, ect… so I drink a couple to go back to sleep and wake up later feeling the same way. I know I need help but have no idea who to talk to or go to.
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Graphix,
I would consider checking into a detox center. I had the same symptoms as you did when I switched from beer to rum. Shaking hands, sweats, anxiety, you name it. I tried quitting on my own a couple times and after 2 days it got so bad I had to drink to stop the shakes. Scared the crap out of me. My wife made the move and took me to a detox center. After 5 days there I felt great, no shakes, no anxiety and no desire to drink. That place literally saved my life.
Good luck!
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Thanks for replying. Not sure where to go or what to do. I work for myself so I really can’t leave for days. Does insurance cover a detox center?
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Mine did, most do. It was a 5 day stay that really worked for me. I work for myself as well but was able to have a good friend cover for me. Went in on a Friday morning and got out Tuesday evening. Best thing I ever did, rather, best thing my wife MADE me do. 🙂
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I need help I drink every night just enough to feel it without others smelling it in the morning or me feeling the after I do not eat unless I’ve drank I am OCD about caloric intake but I never count my calories from alcohol but I also have an ed I’m a mess I can’t come clean but in my head I feel like everyone knows and if they don’t they’re super ignorant or bad friends or really good ones idk anymore
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My friend, it is possible to be free from all this. Many of us find that our anxiety, eating behaviors, addictions, and more are symptoms of underlying problems – usually trauma related. When we stop drinking/drugging and turn our efforts towards understanding our inner pain and finding ways to heal it, we find that it is possible to address the many ways our pain shows up in what we do, how we feel, what we say, how we act, what we allow. Is therapy a possibility for you? It could be a good start, if you are ready.
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Thank you for this site. I have never commented on a post before, but felt compelled after reading so many replies that describe my life. Drank a lot during an abusive 20 year marriage to an alcoholic, but kicked it into overdrive when the loser dumped me as he was going through a mid-life crisis. The loneliness was unbearable. That was 4 years ago. I met an amazing man 3 1/2 years ago, who drinks frequently, but not excessively. I’ve been telling myself that I’m living my 20’s now because I was married and raising kids then. It is so embarrassing to be 45 years old acting like a total idiot because I get so drunk. My boyfriend and I have only argued 5 times in the years we have been together. Every one was caused by me when I was trashed. He didn’t deserve it and I need to make sure it never happens again. I have quit for 12 days at a time before, but then think I can handle it. Tomorrow is day 1 for me.
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Do you think we could help eachother… Idk exactly how I found this site I typed in a full sentence of how I felt at this exact moment and this site of which I’ve never seen and I’m sure I’ve typed that exact phrase many times has popped up
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Not sure if this was directed to me…again, never posted on a site like this, but absolutely. I have read Allen Carr’s book many times, but always go back to it. I, too, don’t know how I found this site tonight.
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It has been 143 days without drinking for me–and I can relate to a lot of what is written in this entry, I definitely took action because I in fact did hit bottom–and now i’m living my life taking it each day at a time. The health benefits have been amazing–lost 30/lbs, depleted anxiety, a lot of clarity and i’m really starting to love myself more. I am in the maintenance phase–and AA meetings have really helped. I am sort of turned off by getting a sponsor and working the steps–but I do see the value in being around other supportive alcoholics. I am not against the steps–but I personally believe that with time I will no longer need to attend weekly meetings. I have periodic cravings for alcohol–but the shame and health ramifications from heavy drinking for years really scared me. Alcohol effected me in ways I didn’t think possible–and denial is a terrible place I never want to be again. I am a father and held it together for my baby girl–but now realize that I have to love myself, put down the bottle and going back to it would mean risking it all.
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Well, I have hit my ‘soft’ rock bottom. I had a difficult day yesterday coping with my anxieties and didn’t want to feel…..again…..so I had a bottle and a half of wine, and no dinner. Very typical behaviour. I let down myself, my husband and my children and feel such shame…..again. I have said over and over that I am going to stop, but this time I must. I fear I will destroy my life and the lives of my family if I don’t let this go.
I feel incredibly alone and am a little panicky….which I am sure is partly due to the fact that I woke up at 2:30 and didn’t manage to get back to sleep. Mind was racing and the negative self talk was abundant.
I am scared to death right now. I can’t stop looking at how big of a change this is going to be and I am daunted. I have binge drank most of my adult life, and at two weeks shy of my 45th birthday, it has to stop.
Any support I could get from this blog would be greatly appreciated.
I have not decided whether or not I will give AA a try. I feel as though I need to talk with others who have chosen to live their lives sober. I need to tap into their strength and courage.
I am an entrepreneur, a creative, a runner, a reader, a teacher and so many other things that make others admire me. If only they knew my dirty little secret.
(perhaps I didn’t hide it as well as I thought though.)
The ‘party girl’ persona I have portrayed for the last 25 years has gotten old and frankly just bloody embarrassing. I am only kidding myself. The joke is over.
I
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I glad I found this blog. Even more so Iim glad its current as its hard to find. To make a long story short, I decided recently that I think ive finally decided I WANT to quit for good. After all the humiliation ive brought on myself over the years its the panic attacks I get in the early morning hours after drinking that have done me in. Its not the first time but now that I have my son I just cant tolerate it anymore. Its so not worth it.
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Hey Jessica. I get those exact same panic attacks! It is what has made me decide to stop as well. Funny, but alcohol used to put me to sleep…..not the best sleep, but sleep nevertheless. Now I can be sure that if I consume too much I will wake up sometime between 2 and 3 and the panic starts. Simply not worth it anymore is it?
Congrats on the birth of your son.
And good luck. Time to start feeling good about ourselves I’d say.
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Hey Jessie and Grapegirl- my doctor says you wake at that time and feel anxious because your brain has woken you looking for the next drink and is already in withdrawal. I’ve been taking some herbal sleepers and drinking camomile tea and I’m now sleeping longer
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Hi, You sound exactly like me….my last night like that was Sept 1…….I am going to AA…..just closed women’s grps for now…..great support and strength in those rooms…you should give it a try! Good luck and if you ever want to chat……just reach out…I ‘d love it. xx
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I found that a few weeks after putting down the bottle that my anxiety was cut down by like 90 percent. I didn’t realize that after years of drinking that the booze was creating the anxiety–I always thought it was helping it. Crazy how I was rationalizing drinking so much–how many alcoholics do. I also went to a pretty negative place while in my heaviest drinking days–people closest to me could see a big change. Now, five months off the booze–my thought process, energy and overall satisfaction with life and myself is quite elevated. If you keep drinking it will only get worse–if you stop, it will only get better. Check out my blog–from the first entry to the last you can see a shift.
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I am in tears. I could have written this post myself. I identify with *everything* you have written. Every. Single. Thing. I recognise that quitting is the only sensible thing I can do but I’m so scared. I’ve woken up without a hangover for the first time in 12 days. Doesn’t sound very long but it’s the 4th time I’ve ‘sworn off’ after daily heavy drinking since last November. I need to make this stick. I know the drinking is a symptom or byproduct of some deeper issue(s) and that I have a thinking problem first and foremost, but squinting through the day with a pounding headache and nausea and fighting the urge to eat leftover pizza for breakfast isn’t the most conducive condition for self discovery.
Thank you for your blog and thank you for your openness. I will be following closely.
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There is tons of support available – you don’t have to do this alone. Check out the resource links at the side of the page – most recovery programs have online options and lots of resource material. Is there someone in your life you could open up to who can help you hold yourself accountable and encourage you to stick with it? That made the difference for me. It’s a scary time, I feel for you, and it can also be the birth of a wonderful new direction that changes the course of your life. Sending you lots of love, compassion and strength.
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I really want to quit I run to it when I can’t handle things relizing it destroying my life around me how do I stop running to when things get bad
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Sounds like your gearing up for a major change, just by researching and reaching out. Are you ready? Is it time? You are not alone, there are many of us here to help encourage you!
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nice artikel i still drinking i can’t stop it
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I think I can, I know I can, I think I can, I know I can…..Let’s change your inner dialogue.
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Lonely Dad
I don’t have the energy or will right to tell my story but hope to soon. But 2 days before Thanksgiving last year my wife took out kids and moved in with her parents. I have never felt loneliness like and had no idea it even existed.
Been reading this blog and getting a lot from it. But what I really want to say is that I just failed again. Today was my day one and I made it until 1:20 am (normally start at 4 pm). I have been getting more and more nervous since about 10 pm because everywhere stops selling at 2 am. Why is this addiction so powerful? I didn’t think I would be able to sleep or I should say that’s the excuse I used today. I want to live sober so badly. I am a Christian man and will find a celebrate recovery program in my area but they only meet once a week so I will most likely have to mix some AA with it because right now I don’t think one day a week is enough.
Before my wife left I had stopped drinking for 45 days. She never stopped and just tried to hide it from me. She only drinks 2-3 glasses of wine and then takes a sleeping pill and thinks she has no problems.
For the last 8 months alcohol has been my only friend and relief to the pain. I’m not from here and don’t have a lot of friends and no family so unless I go to a bar I have no social contact with people.
Loneliness sucks!!!! But now I guess I have my friend again for tonight. I’ll have to try again to have a day 1 tomorrow. Weak, weak, weak.
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You’re not weak! Knowing you need to stop and wanting to stop are way easier than actually doing it. I’ve stopped before too, for 3 months. I then decided that I had proved I wasn’t an alcoholic, and could allow myself to drink “just a little” or “just at parties” or drink just beer. It was so easy to slip right back into that old habit. I’ve had the thoughts I’m sure youve had too, like “I’ve already screwed up so much, why bother trying” or “I’d rather be drunk right now than think about all the damage I’ve done”. I’m currently on day 2 of not drinking. This time I’m reaching out to the internet. Your words really moved me because I feel the same way. But let me tell you, you’re not weak. It’s ok to be scared. This is the hardest thing to do, but it’s so worth the effort. You know, you were sober for 45 days. Remember how good you felt? I want that feeling back too. Forever. When you feel like you’re losing control, know that you have someone out there cheering you on. We’ll both get there. Stay strong my friend!
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We share red flags. I want to stop too.
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We share red flags! I want to stop.
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Hi everyone !
i am new to blogging so i ll be brief .
after 7 years drinking 20 plus units a day , i am down to 9 and its a struggle to stop altogther as the withdrawal symptoms are shocking .
any ideas on how to withdraw safetly ?
much appreciated
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Hi Chester,
What ‘shocking’ withdrawal symptoms are you experiencing, and have you sought medical guidance?
Lee
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hi lee ,
with regards to the withdrawal symptoms .
shaking , dry vomiting , trembling ,
sometimes shaky vision , 1 -2 hours sleep per nite , nite sweats ( big time )
not much energy .
( this is if I go 24 hours without alcohol)
I have been to therapy , but relapsed several times. at what point do they physically detox you ?
thanks
chester
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Hi Chester,
I am not sure at what put you are physically detoxed, but with symptoms that severe you need to seek advice from your Doctor before attempting a total withdrawal.
Lee
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Hi, thank you for this post. You are an inspiration and I see us as very similar. I’m very new to sobriety, a month in, and have had a couple of really really hard days this week. When you speak of the stages, I find myself in the action stage bc I’m sober right now, have started a blog to get more support, and read blogs and books to help me. But, I still feel Im in some sort of sober contemplation stage ( I just added a stage…smile)….I feel like I’m tottering and I hate it. I want to make some sort of firm decision to not drink again, and just have it off the table forever. I hate that it’s a choice I feel I still have. I want that back door to be shut and locked. And I’m so so very much hoping that is possible for me. This is the start to developing my new life, and embrace this new community. Someday, I would more than love to meet some new sober friends- connection in that way may be something that is needed in my journey. I don’t want to do it through AA, but I’m hopeful that it will happen in my future. Thank you Unpickled, you are brave and spectacular. Xo
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Hi, I also tottered on the edge for YEARS, I am now over 6 months sober and never EVER thought I would live to see the day.I wish I hadn’t waited so long now. “But screw your courage to the sticking place, And we’ll not fail” from Lady Macbeth, Macbeth 1:7:61
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She should have died hereafter.
There would have been a time for such a word.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing. – Macbeth.
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Unpickled, I just recently started following your blog and I wanted to let you know you have already inspired me. I have much more to read, but your story is so similar to mine it makes me feel better that someone else was able to do it. You not only inspired me to actually take the plunge and ACTUALLY start my journey to sobriety, but I found that I can really connect with this online blogging world and support system. I decided to start blogging as well and am only starting my day 3 today, but I hope my story and thoughts can help others at the beginning stages, just like yours is helping me. I can’t wait to read more of your story, thank you for sharing!
http://www.running-sober.com
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Well that’s me completely! Today is quit day for me! I always wanted to quit but this is the first time I’m serious about it. My brother died from alcoholism and I’m not going to die from the same fate!
I don’t want to go to aa but I’ll see how it goes. I’m sick of hiding bottles in the laundry only to have my daughter ask why it was in there or buying wine in the box because you really can’t tell how much drink! I’m sick of hangovers and acting like everything is ok I’m sick of dreading having to pick up the kids at night because I won’t drive if I drink do how about the early movie! Stupid I know it’s exhausting being an alcoholic! I pray I can do this.
Schelly
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Schelly I feel the same way
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This is where I need to be. Thank you.
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Thank you for this! The day I decided to quit drinking I started reading blogs. I had read different blogs before, but yours was the first one I found on this particular day. I am at the end of day 16 now. My previous attempts with quitting usually ended with me drinking by the end of the day. My story is so similar to yours! As I read blogs, I see that there are a lot of people that have this in common with me.
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Hi justme, looks like we started our journey at similar times. I hope you are still doing ok. I’m still sober, but have had ups and downs for sure. I started a blog (same name as my screen name), stay in touch if you can. Take care.
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At 9 months sober, my mind is finally clearing enough to figure out some of the things you listed so succinctly. Two things have been stuck in my mind recently, probably because they each tell so much. First, during the last three years of drinking my first thoughts upon waking each morning were: 1) do I have alcohol hidden in the house or will I need to get some secretly this morning? and 2) what did I cook for dinner last night (The Test to see if I could talk with my family that morning without embarrassing myself). When my health provider had a nurse call for a phone triage interview, she asked how many years it has been since I’ve gone 2 consecutive days without a drink. 19 was my answer. At the time, I truly believed that I needed to alcohol in order to continue living as my normal self. Now I realize just how ill I was. Thank goodness for professional help, AA, online communities, and my loving family and friends for holding me up in recovery!
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Just had a drink because I was suffering from the shakes. This is as public as I can go to say ‘I have a drinking problem’ and I’m DONE with it. Done and determined. Thank you for this blog – it’s nice to not feel alone 🙂
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Hang in there
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You can do this, if I can.
Peace.
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Debs me too
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I just discovered your blog and love it… I very much relate to your journey. I too consider myself a perfectionist and am trying to quit secretly. I just started a blog and would love a follow. It is cecelovesjack.wordpress.com. I am on Day 5, so early action stage for me!
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Hi am on day 5 too. So glad I discovered this blog. So much resonates with me – the red flags. I am/was binge drinker and wow could I binge. I hid alcohol – filled vodka bottles up with water, hid a spare in the garage, took empties to work to hide them.from.my husband, stayed up drinking till the early hours alone, working hungover and waiting for th e day to end so I could crawl home to bed, lying about how much I drank to everyone, need I go on? I haven’t shared with anyone yet that I am not drinking although am amazed my husband hasn’t noticed!!!!
Thank you to everyone on here for sharing and supporting I have a feeling I am going to need you xxxxxxx
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It was two weeks before I told my husband in a sobbing confession that I thought I needed to stop. At first, he didn’t really think I had a “problem”, but agreed that I always wanted to stay for one (or three) more long after he found his limit at social events. He also recognized that problem drinking/ alcoholism was prominent in my family. I told him he just needed to trust me on this one.
Since that time he often reiterates how he likes the “new me”. He drinks much less now. He was always a normal drinker, but apparently drank daily with me.
I’m close to 6 months sober. It’s the deep sleep, sans hangover mornings, and husband support that keeps me going.
Stay strong Gillybean. It’s tough but better this way.
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In addition to everything on your list (some of it I was not even aware of until reading g this. Thank you for that), I was constantly obsessed with alcohol, either negotiating with myself how I was going to cut back (3 a week? No, 1 a day, no Thursday, Fri,Sat. Sunday only, etc) or with when I would get my next drink and how I would maintain my buzz. Oh and I was always rushing around running out of time. I had to get everything done faster so I could start drinking before husband and kid got home. I am so much more relaxed now. It’s been about 6 weeks for me and I am going strong. Thank you for this blog!
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Hello everyone
I’ve been binge drinking for years and years. I’ve known I have a problem for a very very long time and I constantly tell myself I need to stop drinking. All those red flags are me, and more. I know that my life will be so much better sober but I still go back to the wine. I get resentful that I can’t drink ‘normally’ and won’t be able to enjoy things because I can’t have a drink, stupid on so many levels. I am determined the day after but feelings fade and I convince myself its OK. I’ve gone up and down in terms of how much I drink but its always binge drinking and its more often and more now, linked to stress, I will probably be able to cut down a bit again but I am kidding myself, I am a binge drinker and an alcoholic. I deserve better and my lovely hubby certainly does. Feel so sad after a big binge yesterday. Why can’t I just give it up, I really really need to. Time for sorry is way past I now need to show it. No more, I’ve had enough. I’m scared because I’ve been here so many times. I feel for everyone here.
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newstart,
I have been where you are, and it is such a horrible place to be. Knowing you need to stop – and convincing yourself that you can’t, but you CAN. The shame and guilt and stress it causes is a vicious cycle that only sends you right back to the booze. You CAN break the cycle – I had been binge drinking through stress and social awkwardness for 20 years: to the point of blackouts, losing control of bodily functions, being carried out of places by friends, even my husband!!! Today I am 349 days sober, you CAN get here. You should look up Belle at Tired of Thinking About Drinking and attempt the 100 day challange. It helped me tremendously, and there is support everywhere. You owe it to yourself to try – a better life TRULY is out there.
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Newstart, you can do this. I have been there. I am six weeks sober. It was difficult the first two weeks (I had physical and emotional withdrawals) but I am going strong and getting stronger. Two realizations made me finally stop 1. Moderate drinking is an illusion and is not possible 2. Life is fun and even better without alcohol. It took me Some time to really believe the last point but with all the social outings I’ve had without drinking now has made me realize how possible it is. I also read two great books: Allen Carr- The easy way to control your drinking, and Jamie McCall – Living the high life without the champagne. If you need help quitting in the early stages, call your doctor and discuss options. Not everyone.e needs inpatient rehab. Some people get valium prescribed, which worked for me the first week. I am off it now. Support groups like AA or Smart Recovery have great online resources even if you don’t go in person. Good luck!
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Thank you so much for your replies. I know I must get the ACTION stage up and running. It helps so much to know others have been in the same place and are succeeding, and loving, a sober life.
Yes I too have experienced the shameful episodes on many many occasions …. Ive stopped for awhile because of a few but never for longer than 7 weeks. I cringe to think what my reputation must have been…is…at different points in my life.
I’ve read many books including Allan Carr. I relate but still didn’t stop. I will however get the other book and look at the blog. Inspiration and determination needed.
I am 50 in July and I don’t want to be that sad middle aged woman who’s loud, drunk or worse. Or waste anymore days drinking or recovering. Yet I kind of believe I can’t celebrate this milestone sober…..grrrrr!!
How did you guys deal with the cravings and the voice saying its ok for you to drink. Its no fun not to……lies of course, fun easily flies out the window after a few and a few is never enough.
I don’t think…as yet.. That i have physical withdrawal symptoms. Emotional ones I am not sure as I have depressive and anxiety bouts anyway. Pmt etc. Also had a lot of hair loss…can you relate?
Think you are amazing for what you have achieved!
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I know how you feel. I wrote my hangover this poem. Good luck x
The last hangover
Are you it?
Shame. Guilt.
Fuzzy head,
263 boxes of red wine away from being
Dead
I saved a life today
My own
I chose my life over dying
Alone
God help me through the HOURS
Through the moments of weakness
Through the stress times, party times, sad times, happy times, all the times
That I would normally drink
Make me strong, make me think
Are you my last hang over?
I am determined that you be
I won’t miss you and you won’t miss me.
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Hi,
I to binge on the weekend then spend almost two days depressed unable to leave the house, full of regret. I’ve list friendships and read on here my skin picking is also linked to this anxiety. I have wanted to quit for a few years but this year the feelings to quit are serious, serious enough I’ve spent these past two days reading blogs and stories on how to stop. You sound similar to me and I wish everyone on here the best to stop, be sober and happy x
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I couldn’t write longhand anymore. I couldn’t drive anymore. My motor skills were completely shot. Everything was confusing, my brain stopped working. I still drank. Then my daughter begged me to stop drinking. That was it. Sober since that day, January 6, 2014
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I just found this blog. I have all of the red flags. I am so scared.
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Reblogged this on Raising Healthy Children in an Alcoholic Home and commented:
This is a very interesting, well-written and extremely enlightening post that makes it very easy to see that recovery is, indeed, a process, and not an event. The author uses The Transtheoretical Model developed by Prochaska & DiClemente (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983; Prochaska, DiClemente, & Norcross, 1992) to explain and explore her state of mind at different points throughout her recovery process. TTM holds that people always move through a series of stages when they are trying to change behaviors. The earlier stages are characterized by more thought and less ( explicitly behavioral) action, but they are necessary for the change to take place. The Transtheoretical Model is very popular among recovery professionals because it helps them to select treatment strategies that are congruent with a particular client’s readiness for change. As the authors of the model state, “Guidance based on the TTM results in increased participation in the change process because it appeals to the whole population rather than the minority ready to take action.” Unpickled’s post makes it clear that that thinking about change (contemplation) is, of course an action, and an extremely important one in the process of recovery. This is so helpful for people in recovery (and family members) to realize. Internal shifts of perspective are not the ultimate prize, but they set the stage for other changes that move a person closer to the goal of abstinence and sobriety, and people in recovery deserve recognition, support and encouragement when they are working at these interior changes. Too often, they are berating themselves, and feeling a lot of heat, for not doing enough, when the self examination they are undertaking requires a great deal of energy in and of itself. I think Unpickled’s post makes this abundantly clear.
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I quit Memorial Day 2014. I’m not sure how many days that is because I’m trying not to count them. I’ve heard that’s not a good thing, like you are counting down till the next drink. I guess it’s been around three weeks. I know I’ve drank since I was 15, now I’m 54. How many days was that?
I’ve never tried to quit before. I just got tired of it. My habit of drinking every night, more on weekends and holidays, just seemed to be all I was doing. Obsessing about when I would get to drink and if I would have enough on hand to cop a buzz with the amount I had purchased, and on and on. I just don’t want to do it anymore.
So I stopped…after drinking the last two beers in the fridge, of course. Two days later, I went to see my doctor. I must have been in the planning phase because I had made the appointment two weeks earlier. I told her I had read about acamprostate and I wanted to try it. You have to be alcohol free and committed to sobriety.
I feel good. I don’t know how much is the drug and how much is my desire to change but I am hopeful I have had my fill of drinking and won’t relapse. I have switched to a lot of water with ice, tea with ice, lemonade with ice. I guess I really like ice. And I started reading Mrs D’s blog which led me to “Unpickled” which led me to make my first cyber admission that: My name is Susan and I am an alcoholic.
Thank you for your support.
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That was incredibly moving Susan. I want you to know that I am supporting your recovery. You go girl.
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I can’t tell you how much your response means to me. I have never commented on line before and certainly didn’t expect a reply to my message. From your kind words, I feel less alone in my journey. Thank you so much!
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Susan, how brave you are. I really wish you the best and hope that you find the right way forward for you. I recognise a lot of myself in your account and I too have a problem and a lot of work to do.
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Thank you for saying I am brave. I haven’t thought of it that way, but, hey, why not? I feel more like it’s self-preservation. I couldn’t continue on the path I was on and expect to accomplish anything except self-destruction. I really like myself too much and I’m liking myself even more sober.
I’m seeing my doctor next week for a follow up. I will have been taking acamprostate for a month by then. I feel really strong and I am going to ask her if she’s thinks it’s been long enough. It is suppose to calm receptors in your brain that have been over-activated by long term alcohol consumption.
Well, I feel calm (most of the time) and happy with my new habit of being sober, so maybe I continue on without the drug. I might ask for something just in case anxiety arises. Anything to keep me on the right track. Most importantly, I never want to go back.
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Thanks for sharing your story, how do you like the campral? I’ve been thinking about asking my doctor for it but didn’t have a solid plan to quit. Today is day one. I feel I’m ready. I’m not telling myself it’s forever, but it is for now. I have a big camping event in a month, how could I possibly stay sober there;) However by then I will be just over three weeks sober so maybe I can just watch everyone else binge drink and look like idiots rather than be the idiot. I don’t know. It’s a scary journey, but those who have done reiterate to me that life is better without it.
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When I started taking Campral I was on day three being alcohol free, so apparently you don’t need to be super sober (whatever that means:) but you do need to be committed to sobriety and not drinking. The first day I only took one dose because it was late in the day and I did get a little dizzy. The second day I took the entire dosage which is two tablets three times a day and I felt fine.
Since then I haven’t really noticed any physical changes except gas. I know that sounds gross but it is mentioned in the literature regarding side effects and, I guess for me, it’s true. (After you tell the world you’re an alcoholic I guess you can share just about anything)
I can say I haven’t thought about having a drink in all this time, although I have spent a lot of time reading about not drinking. (Very helpful) In two days it will be a month, but who’s counting? I only know because that was the supply of Campral I have on hand. My doctor has already phoned in a refill but I am still going to speak with her regarding if I need to continue to take it.
I am in awe of the fact that I haven’t drank, I don’t feel like drinking and I can see myself never going back to drinking. My grown kids think I am awesome! Wow, what a motivator. I never really had a plan either, Anonymous. I just did it. Couldn’t hurt to try. Best of Luck!
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Susan, I just recently quit also, 19 days I think. It is hard to go it alone so I am trying to reach out for help. I am feeling somewhat isolated. I started the sober jumpstart class (tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking blog,) This has been very helpful for me. I wish you the best.
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I will check out the class you mentioned. I have been checking out all the sober blogs and it does help to make you feel less isolated. I drank alone most of the time, though, so getting sober alone seems somewhat appropriate. I have lost four pounds and my blood pressure has gone down 15 points! I wish for everyone, including myself, strength and perseverance in succeeding with this new lifestyle. Rock on, Karen Suzy
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Good luck Susan
Remember we’re all in it together on here, this is my first time at writing on here also x
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Thanks so much! Over 2 months now and feeling great! It’s wonderful to have support especially when you don’t expect it. What a nice surprise:)
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I find this extremely well-written, thoughtful and informative. Do you mind if I either re-blog it on my site or post a linke to it?
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I’d be honoured, Dr. Wood. Thank you!
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Thank you so much…just posted it.
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I have been up and down the ladder from contemplation to action and back several times over the last (gulp) 4 years. Today, I’m in action, and find the day at a time approach to be really useful. I’ve heard it a zillion times before, but something about it is clicking now. It helps to not have to think about what I’ll do even tomorrow night, just what I’ll do (not do) tonight. Whatever I “am” or am not, I know that what I was doing was no longer working, and it has to change. But it’s been taking a long time and a lot of back-and-forth, up-and-down. I’d say 2 years of moving back and forth between preparation to action, with a some dips down into contemplation (or even just willful denial, not quite pre-contemplation but willfully not contemplating for periods of time). I’d like to think that I’ll be staying in action and moving forward/up, but past experience suggests otherwise. This is where the day at a time thing helps though. I don’t have to guess about tomorrow, right? What Miracle says above about remembering the memory but not the feeling of wanting the drink seems impossible!
Let me just say that The Bubble Hour has helped keep me in contemplation and preparation even when I didn’t feel like being in those stages! I love the shows so much that even when I don’t want to hear the truth, I end up listening on my commute. Thanks for all of your work on it!
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Thank you for this!
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I’m in the action stage after decades of hiding how much I drank each night. I was married to an addict/alcoholic for 10 years. In the midst of all the chaos we managed to have 3 children. I believed him every single time he told me he was done drinking until we lost everything, the house, his job, etc. My little drinking habit in the confines of my home in the dark of night was nothing compared to his addictions, that’s what I told myself.
So here I am now, 3 years later, a divorced single mom raising 3 young children, starting my “day 3” again. I went the longest I have in 7 years (my youngest is just shy of that, I never drank while pregnant) just this last month, my most successful “day 1” started on May 5. I went until June 4th. Then it happened out of nowhere, I decided we’d go out to eat, next thing I knew, I was ordering the 9oz glass of wine at Applebees for my meal while the kids dined on grilled cheese and fries. They had dessert so I could have another glass, then we drove the liquor store so I could get more wine before going home. This “relapse” lasted until June 13th.
Now here I sit at my computer, approaching day three of not drinking (as it’s well past midnight) back to not being able to sleep, or afraid to go to sleep because of the awful nightmares I was had the last time I stopped drinking. That is how I found this blog.
I’ve been to AA, I supported my ex through several trips to treatment, family counseling sessions, etc. I was even going to AA when this recently happened. The problem is, my life wasn’t much better in the 29 days I didn’t drink. I had grandiose ideas to take my 3 kids on family road trip for a weekend camping, going to movies with the money I wasn’t spending at the liquor store, making big family meals and sitting around the table discussing our fabulous day, etc. That’s not how it went. I’d wake up each morning not hung over, but the kids were still arguing about whatever, there was still food all over the kitchen floor, the toilet was plugged, no one fed the cat, etc. It was the same old shit. but now I get to be present and lucid for every moment of it. I felt cheated. My ex was busy building his new sober (fingers crossed, he’s on 2.5 years now) life with his new girlfriend and her 3 kids while I raised ours. Alone.
I actually found myself envious of his time in treatment. What a luxury!! to spent an entire 30 days focused on just you and your problems!!! My initial and still somewhat lingering resentment toward AA also stems from my experience while working on his recovery, it all felt so self-indulgent. This man has never been present now he needed more time to fix himself. Depression sounded like an exotic vacation that I definitely could not afford. So I drank and I felt like I earned every drop of it and those feelings of reward and entitlement came crashing back down on me. I never drank to be social, I’m outgoing and make friends easily. I drank because it felt like it was all I had to look forward to at the end of a long day, my one vice that I earned through all the thankless hours I spent doing it all on my own. It was my companion coming home to relieve me after a long day and I couldn’t wait to get in my pj’s and celebrate.
Tonight, while reading these posts, I realized my “bottom” doesn’t have to be one tragic event, just like my victories don’t need to be world cup status. My 3 sleeping children will still fight each day and my toilet will still get plugged (and my washer will stop working and my dryer will start to leak gas…yes, this all happened this week) but if I don’t drink that is a triumph in itself. That is what I need to celebrate each night (the old AA adage, one day at a time). Eventually we will take those family trips and I will go to Applebees and eat a meal instead of drinking one. but today I will celebrate another day of not drinking and that is enough.
Thank you for this blog and all these posts that let me know I’m not alone in this struggle.
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I have to tell you how inspired I am by your post and your honesty. I can relate to your thoughts completely, especially about “Looking forward to a drink at the end of a long day”.
My life is pretty damn good and I have no excuses. I just like to celebrate or relax at the end of the day and it has become a habit.
I just want you to know that your post really hit home to me. I have not gotten past day three. Wish I could!
You are a good Mom!
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This is a really honest, gut-wrenching post – thank you for sharing your story.This is some hard stuff – you are right, it is unfair that you don’t have the same luxury to check out and focus on nothing but self-care and recovery. Then again, missing the clogged toilets also means missing the night-time cuddles and little moments with the kids, which surely must be awful to be away from. Thank you for reminding us all of the importance of one day at a time, and that each day without alcohol is a triumph. So beautiful!
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thanks for you response, and all the responses here on my post. unfortunately I could not get past 3 days. I recently read your most recent post, about being dry drunk and it hit me. the times I did stop drinking I wasn’t working on anything other than not having the drink. I didn’t try to change any behaviors beyond that. so I went to an evaluation at a treatment center, was recommended I was impatient for 30 days. I opted for out patient 6 week program that meets several hours a day. I start tomorrow. i’m excited about the prospects it may bring. thanks again for this blog. I will keep checking back!
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*inpatient! though impatient works too 😉
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Perfectly stated
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My heart was heavy after reading your comment. I wanted to cry all over again- for you. I think maybe because day 1-30 were so tough. The sobbing and feeling of loss was a validation that it was probably my time to make a change. I needle to dih deep and muster the courage. Eventually, the skies cleared and I began to feel hope and relief.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. My Dad has died. My Mom was a co dependent problem drinker. Still is but has proven herself to moderate. I just didn’t want life to be the same for my kids. As an Adult daughter it’s normal (from what I read) for children to grow up resenting their mothers more for their alcoholic ways. I know I did. My Mom wasn’t strong enough to change. To leave before it was too late. (Not that this is your situation- I’m mostly thinking about myself and stopping now so I can really be there for my kids, as you are doing).
Please Know that I will be thinking and pulling for you in the coming weeks. You have inspired me to stay on my path. (145 days) I’ve been tempted lately to try out my new perspective and attempt moderating- to see if I can. But I won’t.
It’s not always easy at all…but it does ease up because it’s better this way. In the long run, it’s just better this way!!
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That is an amazing realization for you to have. The reality is that life will still be full of arguments and mechanical failures, but you will be clear and available to deal with them.
It is really hard in the beginning to believe this. When you are anxious and paranoid and feel just not yourself. When a glass of wine seems like a cure to the problems.
But it is. Because you deserve to have a life full of joy and contentment. And it is available to you if you leave the booze behind.
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Thank you for your honesty in your post. I, also, am a single mom of two children trying to keep alcohol out of my life. I, also, drank alone in secret mostly. Right now my on,y support are these sober blogs and just started my own- I’m diving in and knowing that support from those who understand is how Im going to make it! We have a lot in common, I think with the added stresses of raising children alone (been extremely lonely at times), please stop by my blog and I’m hoping to have an email connect button started soon so maybe I can start having more personalized pen pal conversations with some people in the future. Thanks for your story, big hugs to 🙂
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Am I in the Action phase? I’m not sure. But here I am on DAY 50!! And Day 1 (not my first Day 1, but perhaps my most determined) began when I came across this blog online. Thank you, thank you for being here. Now I just need to keep going… Annie x
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Day 50! Congrats Annie! Day 35 here! One day at a time!
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Sigh… I just took the Johns Hopkins test and it freaked me out… I’ve apparently descended to the “Middle Stage” and nobody knows it but me (and now you all). How can I change this crappy downward spiral I’m on before it takes over? Advice? Help? Anyone?
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Are you ready to make a change? Take action. Look at your drinking pattern and change things around to help yourself do things differently. If you drink while cooking dinner, order a pizza and do yoga while you wait for it. If you drink while watching tv, cancel your cable and go grocery shopping. Reach out for support – a local recovery group, someone you know who is sober (most people in recovery are GREAT about supporting others when asked), a friend, doctor. There are tons of resources – books, podcasts (including The Bubble Hour, which I co-host!), workbooks, worksheets. Dig into learning all you can and if you’re ready, when you’re ready, write “Today is Day 1” on a piece of paper and keep it in your pocket and start living your new life without alcohol. You have the awareness. Now it is time for action – and you are worth every ounce of effort! Keep us close and keep posting – I am cheering for you!
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Small victory in my path to moderation…
A couple nights ago I attended a charity beer tasting event for which my spouse and I had purchased tickets months ago, and I wasn’t going to NOT go. I was a little worried because beer has always been my downfall – if i have one, I have six. I told myself before and during the event, “You are in control and you will drink like you are in control.” It worked! I sipped my little beers, ate food, drank water, had a great time, had a bunch of drink tickets left over, and woke up without the shame of a hangover or “what did I do/say last night.”
I know there are folks who disapprove of moderation and say it’s just a pit stop on a slippery slope, but for now, I’m proud of myself for the first time in a long time.
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It is great that you are making this effort and moderation IS possible for those whose drinking has not yet crossed fully into addiction. If you caught your spiral early enough, then moderation should not be a problem. Time will tell, right? Know this, if you find that you just cannot stick with moderating then you will have to consider abstinence. Will you keep an awareness of that, and stay in touch with your progress? And if moderation does continue to work for you, you can celebrate the good fortune of changing the course.
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Three weeks of normal! When I’ve drank, it was moderate and healthy – no drinking to stop social anxiety, no drinking to wipe out a bad day, just… normal social drinking.
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On the money as always Jean 🙂 The steps you describe are also known as the stages of change model and I hit pretty much every one of your red flags before I stopped too. 265 days now! xx
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I’ve started lurking on sober blogs because just by reading them I feel support. I can see myself in almost all of the “Red Flags” you posted. A few years ago, I started working really stressful, draining jobs and I used alcohol to relax after work, to dull my frustrations and anxieties, and it slowly crept up on me. Over the course of a couple years, I went from a couple drinks on a Friday night to drinks every night, and a bunch more on the weekends. Tried to quit but couldn’t or wouldn’t, and felt so much shame about it that I would just say “F” it and drink more – you know, “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” type of thing. Looking back, telling myself to quit during that time was like telling an obese person to go on a diet in the middle of the holiday season – setting up to fail. But now for my health and sanity I’ve decided to switch careers and am slowly “retraining” myself to drink like a normal person again. I’ve had two weeks now of “normal” and it feels great!
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Anonymous,
What you said is what I’ve lived with for the past 30 years, if I can’t stop it then join them. Congrats on changing careers for your own sanity but do you think that will stop the drinking? I hope you can drink “normal” because I’ve tried and tried and I’ve cut back to the few drinks but when life happens then mine becomes “unnormal” again. This is my first post here but have been reading for a few weeks and I’m ready to walk away from normal and unnormal drinking and I wish you well on your journey.
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Hi Jean,
Great choice of topic.
I would pitch myself in the termination phase. I have been there before and relapsed, so I guess you could say I thought I was at the termination phase, when in fact I was in the maintenance stage, but I choose to see things differently.
The first time I quit I had nothing to work on. I had no fears, no withdrawal symptoms and no cravings. I found it very easy to quit and life was great.
Then I got divorced.
I didn’t start drinking again because I was sad (I was incredibly sad), it was a kind of f*&k it notion because I gave up drinking to try and save my marriage.
That relapse lasting a few months and I haven’t touched as much as a chocolate liquor in the past four years.
I can empathize will a lot of the things on your list, but one that isn’t there, and was critical for me was arguments. I was arguing incessantly with those I loved the most, and this was the biggest trigger to quit for me.
Keep up the good work Jean.
Lee
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Preparation stage was about a year of feeling I lost my tolerance. High school- college years I loved being able to drink people under the table. I’d love to stay up late and have “intelligent conversations”. I began to feel like that was slipping and I’d become more and more sloppy. One night, my husband tried to keep me from staggering wildly so the kids didn’t notice. Sometimes I’d puke. I was violently ill on my 36th birthday. I remember thinking- am I going to be doing this when I’m 40? 50? Often times, I just wanted MORE. Feeling disappointed when social gatherings weren’t kicked up with more serious drinking. There were mornings I’d wake up and say to myself “I think I really need to stop drinking!”. I’d text apologies to my drinking friends and they often told me to not be so hard on myself. Then a day or two of shame and depression would kick in.
I loved when I felt good enough to drink again (mind you I also drank to take the edge off those hangovers. These were the binge drinking episodes.
My daily 1-3 glasses of wine was my reward and motivation to cook. I loved to cook and drink. I’d google problem drinking/ alcoholic behavioral stuff and would stop searching when I’d find an article that validated my drinking. I’m part French!
I grew up with parents who loved to party. Their friends partied. Our family vacations always entailed partying. When the bars closed, we’d bring the party back to my house, because there was often a party happening there. For many years, I was just a party girl, binge drinking. Wine in the evening was a “mature” way to drink. I loved it and felt the old party girl days were long gone. I felt sorry for people who couldn’t drink. Bewildered by people who chose not to. In my heart of hearts, I thought there might be a day I’d stop drinking. But I never wanted that day to come.
It was the day before my son’s 10th birthday. We were at a Blackhawks game. The kids were gone for the night. I was FREE! My Mom had surgery earlier that week. I was definitely looking forward to a night OUT. I woke up the next morning, fully clothed on my chase lounge. I completely missed the second half of the game. I had no idea who won.
My Dad died put himself in the grave. I watched the abyss of progressive drinking go from fun guy to bum. It was devastating and traumatic. It took a span of about 20 years.
My son was 10. It went by so quickly. I needed to stop. I’ve worked hard but am not where I want to be in my career. It was so clear. I owed it to myself and my family to NOT go down that path. Even though our circumstances are different. I know alcoholism doesn’t discriminate. It was so clear. I quietly stopped and finally told my husband two weeks later.
I sobbed and sobbed. Mourning a dear friend. I haven’t had a drink for 143 days. I still can’t get over how well I sleep. Waking up with a hangover never gets old.
But, I’m obsessing about having a drink and starting again. The light switch that went off actually made me lose a taste for alcohol. I don’t crave the taste. I crave the relax. So far, I can’t bring myself to have the one glass. I’ve actually really liked living without drinking. WAY more than I ever imagined. I did not expect to write this novella. I just thought it was a good night to read some sober blogs.
Oh, by the way…A couple weeks into sobriety I took up smoking again. I’d smoke when I drank and beat myself up for it. I always thought I’d need to quit drinking in order to quit smoking. But, I’m fully smoking 1-3 cigs a day.
Smoking, and wanting to drink again, but not drinking is where I’m at today.
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“I don’t crave the taste. I crave the relax.” Wow. That is something I totally relate to – the feeling of the tension/stress/whatever leaving my body after a drink is something I think of weekly. Slowly I’ve been learning how to deal with all of those things in different ways – and NOT drinking. One thing that keeps me from taking even one drink is thinking about how my brain has changed so much over the last almost year and I just don’t want to start all over in that aspect. I like this new wiring!!
Congratulations on your 143 days – that is awesome!!
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would it be considered irony that I’m drinking wine that I promised myself I wouldn’t buy while I took the tests you linked to? or is that just pathetic?
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My dear, you wouldn’t be the first or last to do that. But let it confirm that action is necessary. Be good to yourself. You’re not pathetic – you’re gearing up for a beautiful change. You’re not alone.
>
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thanks, sweetie. I just felt really … well, hypocritical — reading your blog about your recovery and here I am still lavishing in the spoils.
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You are not alone. We drink to “bolster” ourselves. Contemplating a drinking problem is a very scary endeavor. The knowledge that others have had the same fears and failures let’s me know that I can share in the same successes when I make the decision to quit. I’m on day 6 of sobriety. I haven’t yet decided to quit. That would have me back in a box of wine so fast (for one last party) it would make your head spin. One day at a time.
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Not pathetic at all….at lease you are being honest with yourself. I hope you are well.
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It came down to one thought and one question for me;
You only have one life.
Who do you want to be?
Sending you strength and best wishes!
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I am on day 6. I started drinking in college and am now 38, and I have always, always worried that I will become an alcoholic like so many in my family. I did plenty of binge drinking in my twenties and was able to curb it in my early thirties when I became a mom. I rarely have more than two drinks in a day. Most people who know me, even close friends, would be unlikely to say that I have a drinking problem. Still, I have continued to worry that things will get out of hand.
Why have I worried?
– Every single drink I have ever had was in pursuit of getting buzzed or drunk. I have to drink until that happens.
– I can stop at one or two drinks, but I never want to. It’s always an exercise in extreme self-control.
– There are many events that I have attended purely because they provided an opportunity to drink. If those same events had no offered alcohol, I know for sure that I would have skipped them.
– In the same vein, I have looked forward to certain events for months, such as a class reunion or a wedding, mainly because I know I’ll be able to binge drink. The people I’ll see or the experiences that I’ll have always feel very secondary to alcohol.
– Over the past year or so, I got in the habit of drinking wine before dinner on an empty stomach to provide maximum buzz with the minimum amount of alcohol.
– I would routinely act as if the glass of wine I was having with dinner was my first so that it didn’t raise red flags with my husband.
– I lied about my drinking to my doctor.
– As I get older, my negative reactions to alcohol have gotten more severe. The hung over feeling sometimes starts right after I have my last drink and continues well into the next day. I recently started experiencing night sweats, which freaked me out. Overall, I feel that my body becomes fragile when I drink.
– I know for a fact that I drink to self-medicate. So many times, I have wanted to block out stress or unwanted thoughts and have found a couple of drinks the easiest, fastest way to do this.
I lied to myself about all of this for years. What really brought all of these issues to the forefront for me was recently taking a medication that required me to limit my alcohol intake to one drink per week. I was mostly successful although there were a few times that I had two or three drinks in a week. I never had a problem stopping drinking when I was pregnant or reducing my drinking while breastfeeding, but cutting down drinking just for me was so hard. I was aware of it, too. I thought, “Why was it so easy for me to give up drinking for the health and safety of my babies, and why is it so hard for me to give my own health and safety the same consideration?” I didn’t have a clear answer. I counted the days until I was off the medication and could start drinking more frequently again.
And did I ever. I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t be drinking every day, shouldn’t have more than one drink, but I wasn’t sticking to it. In my head, I thought about rules I should have for myself, something I’ve done before. Like no more than four drinks per week. I was struggling. I had felt deprived, and now I was making up for lost time.
I have been dealing with some other issues lately in therapy and doing The Work of Byron Katie, which is a method of inquiry for questioning thoughts and beliefs that cause suffering. I think the combination of struggling with not drinking for a few months and doing a lot of introspection just made the issue so clear: I have a problem with alcohol, and I always have. I thought about how much freer I would feel without the worries about alcohol. I wouldn’t have anything to hide, nor would I have to continually try to create a set of rules for myself to keep from getting out of control. It all makes so much sense now. I have been devouring sobriety blogs these last few days, and I am amazed at how many stories sound so much like my own. I am excited about this new chapter of my life and also a bit scared about what life will be like without alcohol.
I just listened to the Bubble Hour’s podcast on perfectionism, and that really hit home!
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That freedom does come when you quit. And it’s amazing.
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Thank you, Anne. I am starting to feel it! Day 12 here.
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All of the above. I would also be astonished at the drinking habits of normal people. How do you have just one or two, then call it a night? I suppose I used to be this way, too, once upon a time. In fact, I know that there was a time when this was my reality, though I have no idea when or where I crossed that line. I began finishing my friend’s drinks, if we were out at a bar or being quite aware that I would have 2 in the time that it took them to drink 1. Very common occurrence. I was also defensive about my drinking because I so skillfully compartmentalized my life. I never missed a mortgage payment nor a day of work. I rarely drove drunk or received a DUI. I planned my drinking schedule carefully, which really ought to have been a sign, but instead I thought I was being responsible and that I deserved every drop of the bottle I drank every night. Those games are exhausting and I am so glad they are over. Though I miss drinking, I know that I am unable to moderate. Understanding this has made my early sobriety (29 days today) somewhat easier. Great post.
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Oh, I hear ya! They all said I had a problem, but Nope! I did not drink and drive, I did not drink while “out” — only at home or where I was staying for the night. I did not miss work. I may have gone to work feeling like crap, but I went and did a great — okay, good — job. I did not drink upon waking up in the morning or anything else on the regular check list of things that constituted an alcoholic. Then I mowed the lawn. After drinking so much I didn’t remember mowing the lawn. It was high time to stop. Keep up the good work. I am on Day 3.
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I love your blog! I can really relate to so much of it. My problem is a bit different though and I am having a hard time locating any information. I most definitely feel I have a problem but I do not drink every day…just weekends and holidays when I know I do not have to be productive the next day. My problem is that once I start drinking I do not stop until I’m hammered. Definitely a binge drinker. If I’m drinking I’m planning to get drunk. So many of your red flags ring true to me especially obsessing about alcohol, but just on certain days. Anyone, is it possible to be an alcoholic or have a problem even if you don’t feel the need to drink everyday? My husband does not understand this and wants me to control it but I kind of have the feeling that I’m either all on in on a Friday night or I have to not drink all together.
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Great question. The pattern you describe is still considered alcoholic behavior and problematic. Many people find they don’t drink everyday but once they start they can’t predict what will happen, can’t stop once they’ve started, drink to blackout stage or lose chunks of memory, and so on. It’s really a matter of whether the pleasure/reward circuitry of the brain functions normally or if has been altered by addiction.
Try searching “binge drinking and alcohol addiction” for a variety of perspectives and spend some quiet time asking yourself the hard questions.
Generally, I hear this: normal people have no problem taking a break from alcohol or cutting back. Someone who shakes at the thought, or continually tries and fails to quit or moderate probably has some serious issues with alcohol.
Please keep posting and share your insights and perspectives. It’s healthy for you and helpful to others!
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Hi anonymous,
You have just described how I was. I loved Fridays so much. I couldn’t wait to pick the children up from school and start preparing for my Friday night drinking session. Saturdays were even better because the food and booze would already be in and because it was the weekend I could start drinking earlier. Holidays, yay! push the boat out and then Monday to Thursday I wouldn’t touch a drop. But, yes, I did/do have a problem. Once I started I couldn’t stop and would feel so rough the next day I could barely drag myself through it. I tried to talk to my husband and he just suggested that I stopped drinking after I’d had a couple or after we’d shared a bottle of wine. I tried but it was impossible. I couldn’t wait for him to go to bed so that I could sneak more out of the garage and he wouldn’t know exactly how much I’d had. I think the fact that you’re questioning your habits means that you’re not happy with your situation. I signed up for Belle’s 100 day challenge and carried on reading all these fantastic blogs. I’m now at 176 days without a drink and other than a few moments where i miss having a glass of wine on a sunny evening, I don’t regret it for one minute. Feel free to e-mail me if you want a chat.
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wait, what’s this “Belle’s 100 day challenge” thing you mentioned?
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Check out this blog, you will find the 100 day challenge here: http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/ It has worked for so many of us.
Good Luck
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Believe it or not that was my argument. I did not have the red flags you normally associate with alcoholics. But I, too, drank to the point of blackouts or injury, both physically or verbally towards others. The inability to stop drinking once you start is actually part of the addiction. Stay on the blogs. Keep researching. Go to the AA site and read the questionnaire that rates your drinking. Then weigh your options. Good Luck.
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I was a total binge drinker – basically whooped it up fri & sat nites. Then I’d feel so guilty & bad for about three days after – and make plans to not do that again…guess what I was doing the next Friday? Then I’d make the “deals,” telling myself I’d only have a couple and stop – that didn’t work either. Everyone I hung around did the same, so of course nobody thought I had a problem. I never had a horrible rock bottom but I hated the shame, the guilt, and it kept getting worse every time. To this day some of my close friends don’t “get” it – and I’m close to a year being sober!! I am working on remembering it’s not their journey – it’s mine and that’s all that matters.
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I was in the preparation stage for a long, long time. I knew there was a problem, but I kept trying to find the right way to fix myself. The right diet, the right drink, the right book.
I tried to analyze and understand my actions, but my anxiety was so high I couldn’t put my plan in place. Every Monday I planned a booze free week. By Thursday I had thrown the plan away.
When the opportunity presented itself to make a change I grasped it with both hands. I knew I had to stop drinking before it killed me.
All my planning has come in handy. Those years of wanting to quit and not being able to help build my resolve that I am into this sober thing for the long haul. After 6 months I have come to realize that I had a wonderful and fulfilling life all along. I was just dulling it so much with alcohol that I couldn’t see it.
I feel like I am in action/maintenance now. Maybe I will stay here forever. Every day is an opportunity to learn more about myself. I still need support in my life. Thinking I could do this alone got me through the first few weeks, but I was well on my way to a nervous breakdown.
Termination sounds a little final for me.
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Hi Anne, you talk about opportunity presenting itself. What was the opportunity if you don’t mind me asking? I also am searching for ways to break free but seem to have very little willpower. This may be wrong, but I don’t think I am ready to attend a support group.
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Someone had an intervention with my husband, asking him to get his drinking under control.
It shocked me into realizing that maybe I wasn’t so “hidden” and that drinking was really impacting our lives.
This realization shook me deeply. And that fear got the sober car rolling.
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Thank you for sharing that with me. My husband also enjoys wine every night, however he seems to be able to stop ( but still has more than I think he should or it doesn’ t make him feel as bad as me). Our kids went off to University and it was like the gates opened and we told ourselves we deserved to relax and enjoy wine as we had gotten our children this far. In the past we would have alcohol on the weekends, but now it is a nightly event.The problem is, we do little else now. I joined a gym which I rarely go to.
I wasn’t meaning to pry, but there are many times I tell myself, as well as my husband, that I have to remove myself from this Empty Nest ” new normal” in order to break free. Thats why I sent the first post discussing my dilemma with the evening, when I tell myself every morning that I want to quit.
I tell myself Im going to go to a detox retreat to get away from any bad influences. However:
#1 I don’t have that kind of money.
#2 I can relate to Jean, when she states she doesn’t think she is an alcoholic. However, I do think that wine has become a problem.
#3 If I ever had the opportunity to go, I would come home to the same scenario and would I just revert back to our over indulgence.
Anyway thank you for sharing with me.
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You should have an honest talk with your husband. Maybe he feels the same way. Or at the very least, maybe he would join you in a sober spell.
I never, ever thought mine would embrace recovery as he has. Our marriage and family life has improved drastically.
We thought we were relaxing together drinking side by side. But we might as well have each been alone.
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Thank you both. I appreciate the encouragement. I’m hoping by coming around and sharing will help me quit once and for all.
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I think it is a great start. Once you realize you are not alone, and that there are many others who share your struggles, the potential to change becomes more real.
Because life is BEUTIFUL sober.
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I am finally in the action stage (again) and feel really confident that this is the time. I’ve known for years and years that I am alcoholic but chose to do it anyway for lack of self worth. Hiding bottles, drinking in secret, all those behaviours that are true for most alcoholics… But I had so many “bottoms” that should have been the last time and weren’t. Just kept getting progressively worse and each time I tried to quit it became harder and I think those few days that I recently was able to quit for made the withdrawal worse each time. Just this year I was drinking vodka on the way to work (desk job no doubt), at work and then finally passed out drunk on my desk. As I write this it’s so unbelievable for me. Insane. I also got a drunk in public, busted out my own window with a boulder, fell asleep driving on the highway and rear ended someone going 65 mph…and that is just this year. And after all that I continued to drink. This is a horrible, horrible disease/affliction that makes me a completely different person when drinking/drunk. I started reading blogs and this time it’s clicked. I feel it in my heart. I feel confident about my decision and excited about starting over and living a life that I was intended to. Day 5. These blogs have been very helpful for me, as well. I found “the Sober Journalist’s” blog and through that found yours. Keep writing because in a way you are helping save lives.
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I’m glad you feel excited about starting again. Unpicked is the first blog I found and I also felt excited. Join up with a few fellow bloggers, become involved and you’ll find it’s a great place to be. I’m enjoying day 176 and I know I wouldn’t have been able to keep going without these guys.
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Listen to the bubblehour too.
It’s really usefully information.
Addiction is incomprehensible.
Good for you on day 5!
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Great post,love the red flags.I can relate to the not having enough,I live in a rural area so if I start I cannot buy anymore past 7 pm.So when I start there has to be at least a bottle and if not 3to 4 beers to follow.Nuts to starting.
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Wow-So many of these were also my red flags! Two of the big ones I would add are 1) drinking when sick (cold, flu, etc) and lying to “my Fitness pal” about how many glasses of wine I had in a day. It’s funny how lying to an App can make you realize how long you have been lying to yourself and those around you. Thank you for this blog that has really saved me, guided me and put me back on track to a sober life. I am truly thankful for your posts and all of the comments that follow. 211 days and continuing on the long term “maintenance phase” of my recovery.
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I relate to so many of your red flags and so grateful not to be obssessing anymore…
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I have the exact same red flags you had. How do you get from “preparation” stage to “action” stage? Every morning I plan to be in the “action” stage and then end up back in the “preparation” stage. I’m talking months…
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That is normal so don’t get frustrated. At the same time…don’t get complacent and stop trying! What makes a different is action – you have to make some changes. you can’t do everything the same and then expect to not drink. That’s why going out to recovery meetings is so effective for many people. I found other ways to take action. How you choose to make changes is up to you, but promise me this – reach out for help one way or another. Keep us close!
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I posted above. I was in the preparation stage for years. Years.
You need to do something concrete. Go to AA. Call a therapist. Come out honestly to your spouse and ask for help. Go to inpatient treatment (this sounds drastic, but I wish I had done it. My hubby did and it was life changing).
Planning to go to the gym doesn’t get you fit.
Planning to get sober doesn’t stop the drinking.
Action!!!! You can do it!!!!!
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Your “How I knew it was time” post describes exactly the same process I went through
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One friend did say to me (laughingly, not unpleasantly), “I would just love to know what happened, what you did to bring this about!” But it wasn’t a particular incident for me, it was the way it crept up on me. I had a bit of an “aha” moment reading a blog post about moderation and it was like reading about myself. I realised in a moment the thing I’d been trying to avoid for so long, that I had tried all the moderation tricks, and some might work for days or even weeks, but they didn’t last. Most of your red flags are there for me, too. I remember having to take extra care when my husband was away, to make sure I had “enough” wine in, as I couldn’t nip out the shops after the children were in bed. Not having to worry about all of that stuff, all those things on that list, is one of the biggest benefits of living AF. That and the sleep and the lack of hangovers and the feeling better physically and the better skin….
(To S: I can feel the pain in the your words posted above, but you haven’t lost yourself. You’re here reading unpickled and you’re reaching out. That is a massive step. I read loads of Mrs D’s old posts with a glass of wine in one hand. It is possible. You can do this. xxx)
Thanks for the post, Jean 🙂 MTM. xxx
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Thank you.
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all of those red flag stages were true for me too. how telling to see them all enumerated so clearly. in what in hindsight was preparation I also had about three months of trying to moderate my alcohol consumption, keeping daily tallies of the number of units I consumed and notes on why/where I exceeded my goals. which I always did. when I started that process of trying to moderate I told myself that if I couldn’t do it, I would have to stop completely. I look at those journals now if I ever think moderation is an option.
it was only by seeing for myself that moderation didn’t work for me that I came really to know that complete abstinence was my only choice. and when I started looking for support online I found your blog, then many others. 7 months sober now – and very glad to be so! thanks so much for all the inspiration!
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Every single red flag bullet point resonated with me. After one particularly bad hangover, I began searching for sober blogs. Your blog was the first one I found and read from beginning to end. Thank you for equipping me to begin this journey, prepare for certain situations and continue this course. I am grateful to benefit from what you have learned and deeply appreciate what you share. Your blog has been a lifeline for which I am grateful.
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Your red flags pretty much sum up my situation. I recognised that I was no longer in control of the situation and was getting gradually worse. I always told myself I wasn’t an alcoholic because I didn’t get the shakes and didn’t need a drink in the morning. Then when I found myself slopping whiskey into my coffee one Sunday morning, to help me feel better, I knew that I’d couldn’t let myself sink any lower. That’s when I started furiously started searching on-line for help/advice and found this wonderful, supportive community. It has been my life line and helps keep me on track.
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Yes, I told myself today, I would not drink. Lasted until about 6:00 pm which is late for me on a Sunday. I am going through everything you pointed out.
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Every single bullet point was dead on with me. Every single one. I would just add one more…promising myself every morning that that was going to be the day I would stop. But I wouldn’t. Thank goodness I found your blog. One year ago tomorrow, June 9th, I finally kept that promise.
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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! pop pop zingggg ((**fireworks this is*)) Brilliant!! So happy for you!! Bravo!!
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This is a really interesting way to look at the process. I can see myself in there but I’m not sure where I am now. I have got to the action stage, stopped for 4 months last year, then gone back to drinking. Nothing too radical, but slowly built back to the point where I just wanted to be back in my sober space again, stopped for 5 months this year and have just started drinking again. Nothing catastrophic, but I wonder if I will get back to that point again and eventually just decide to stay there….I wonder if it is a process and there is some kind of tipping point that I will reach and just be done. Knowing I CAN stop means I don’t feel that desperation and fear that I did when I quit smoking – I was just too scared to start again.
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My decision followed many years of blackouts and being lightheaded at work and waking up with injuries I didn’t remember receiving. The latest blackout included the lawnmower. O have contemplated this for a long time but finally reached out for support today.
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Yeah, I definately see myself in all that you have said. Your blog has been incredibly helpful in allowing me to search what I know in the privacy of my home, and for that I am grateful. Unfortunately, every time I say this will be the last night of wine, it never is. Why cant I feel the same way every morning that I do at the end of the day? All those feelings of regret don’t even phase me come 5 o’clock! I have followed Mrs D and I also love her blog, read Jason Vales book and it makes perfect sense, however I make it through two, maybe three days and I’m back to who I don’t want to be. I hope something clicks with me soon, I feel I’ve lost myself.
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I am so with you. I couldn’t have said it better.
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S, I am right there with you!
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So tell me, S…when you look at those stages of decision making and change, where would you say you are now?
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Hi, I am in the preparation stage for sure. I also have taken some action by telling a few close loved ones that I feel I should quit. I’ve been reading your blog for about two months now, but this is my first post to anyone regarding the problem and I must admit, it scares me. Scared that I’m sharing too much personal information. However, I need to do something because nothing is changing. I want to be healthy.
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If I can comment (as I had many of the similar startup issues of motivation) but one thing that helped in the beginning for me a lot was giving myself something GOOD for me to have as a sort of nightcap. I am a coffee lover, and I really look forward to a nice hot cup of decaf with Hazelnut creamer! It’s like a dessert…if you use the amount of creamer I do :). Eventually you will look forward to that, instead of alcohol hopefully. I am 10 months sober, my downfall was finding “me time” at the end of a day of being a stay at home mom with young ones. The hardest part is to NOT give yourself the option of alcohol, get rid of it in your house, keep driving past the grocery store or liquor store and DO NOT STOP, then get home and make your treat (or your coffee in my case). Hope this helps a little! Also I have found MUCH support going to AA and hearing other stories or triggers that people have. I go to an all women’s group and it is FABULOUS. Definitely worth a try if you haven’t yet. You will be shocked at how welcoming these women are and how it’s a place where I have truly felt not judged and immediately accepted. Good Luck and stay strong! Failure is God’s way of redirecting.
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Hi S, hope you don’t mind if I jump in here as well. First, I would not worry one bit that you’re sharing too much, that is the absolute beauty of the sober blogging community… we don’t ask, we don’t tell!
Second, you just brought me right back. I would wake up around 3 am, nauseous, anxious, filled with remorse… how much, exactly did I drink? Did I make any stupid phone calls, tip anyone off, etc? The sleeping portion of the night was pretty much shot. Then, the next morning, still slightly nauseous, and exhausted to boot, I was completely and totally resolved, in fact, it made me feel better, the resolution: I would not drink like that anymore. The day would go on, and I would not think too much about it either way. Then, 4:00 hit, which for whatever reason was my personal witching hour, and it was as if the entire night before had ever happened! All I could remember was how good that glass of chardonnay would taste, how sophisticated I would feel drinking it, and how much I deserved that kind of relaxation. Shampoo, rinse, repeat, for longer than I would care to admit.
The good news: you are not alone. The better news: while difficult at first, the cravings lessen over time, ultimately becoming not even a distant memory. While I can recite the memory above, I truly can’t remember that feeling of “needing” a drink. It’s such a miracle to be over that obsession! The best news of all: once over the hump, sober life is, really and truly, beyond your wildest dreams. Sounds so hokey, I know, but hokey or not, it’s the truth.
I am thinking the best possible thoughts for you, and wish you all the best in this endeavor. Keep coming around, you will be amazed by this awesome community!
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Miracle, you got it exactly! The “sophisticated” thought really hit home for me – I obviously have something going on around “this is how mature adults enjoy themselves”. Hmm.
Ah yes, the quick slip at the end of the day (I call it the Weasel) that finds you on your way to the liquor store in your mind, even while your conscious thoughts are directed at what you will do today with your non-drinking time. The Weasel is always telling me that it’s only fair that I get to relax, that it’s only a problem when you are buying magnums of cheap wine, that it won’t make any difference to anyone if I have a drink. I am still in Preparation phase, but now that I recognise the Weasel I feel I am really getting ready to make changes.
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You sound light years ahead in terms of your recognition process than I ever was, a skill that will serve you well in this journey. Best of luck, feel free to comment/email anytime for support!
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Your post could have been written by me. I am once again in the morning swearing that I won’t drink again. I have been doing this for years:). I just hope today I can make it from the after work hours to bed time without drinking a bottle or more of wine. On the odd occassion that I make it through until 7:00 PM then I am good for the night. I just need to figure out how to get through those 2 hours every day.
But here I go again for another try.
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Is there a private reply and an open reply? Not sure how the process works?
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I am not sure about the private reply, although you can always ask to email off-blog… not sure who you are looking to reply, and sorry if I’m not the one to whom you are directing the question 🙂
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I think thats the real mind **** we are all so familiar with. Why after countless horrendous hangovers, blackouts and humiliations do we do it over and over again? I liken it to being in a bad relationship that you keep going back to because there is that one intoxicating thing about that person you just can’t resist no matter how abusive and toxic the relationship is. I dont know why but for some reason for me my last binge and its negetive effects HAS stuck with me. I can still feel the anxiety and panick and racing mind I felt…only a few days ago. It by far wasnt the worst or first time I felt this way the next morning but as I layed in bed trying to calm myself down for several hours while my 5 month old son lays in his basenett sleeping I just couldnt deal anymore. This is after only, yeah “ONLY” one bottle of wine the night before. I think my body and mind just can’t do it anymore. Since my son has been born I havent exceeded a one bottle limit when I drink but I just cant handle even that anymore.
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Sometimes I wonder if the underlying issue to over drinking to self medicate is in fact anxiety for many of us. I have committed to stop drinking this time and I am going to meet with an addiction counsellor to keep me accountable and work on some mindfulness techniques, but I do wonder if it the anxiety that I should be treating….perhaps with medication. Any opinions on this?
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Jessica – you are in my thoughts and prayers. I recall drinking too much as well as a young mother. I know how stressful it can be but if I could redo those years – I wish I could just cherish every single moment. Now that I am fifty years old, I oftentimes cry when I look at baby pictures of my children. Cant’ quite put my finger on it but I think it relates to knowing that I could have been a better mother. My kids are great and all young adults now but I still feel pain when I look back. I hope you can create warm and loving memories without alcohol as you love upon your little bundle of joy.
God speed, Joyce
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